Out of practise...

[SckizoBoy]

With the number of 'how do I get me the girl I like' threads on here, I thought I may as well. (Note: names changed to protect the innocent.)

So, back in March, I posted a thread regarding me and my ex-girlfriend, or rather, just my ex-girlfriend, as she was all I was thinking about at the time. She's currently getting psychotherapy, and yesterday, her brother (our agreed go-between) contacted me saying that she was doing OK, but it was still early days yet, and the rusty cogs in my head finally started to clank. Thus, the centre of attention has shifted from her to... well, me.

To put things into context, a synopsis of my (debatably fucked up) love life:

With Annie, we were together for the last three years of her life, and in that time, we had our ups and downs, and in hindsight, were it not for her death, I'd probably still be with her, fights and all (racist family notwithstanding).

Subsequent therapy I went through brought me into contact with Cassie, and it started as a relationship of convenience, as we became each other's confidante. Over a period of a few months, we came to care for and trust each other implicitly, suddenly decided together that we were an item, and dated for six years. We broke up under some of the worst circumstances that left us in a genuinely fucked up state, and the growing realisation that we weren't good for each other.

Finally, Helene (with whom I got blind drunk as a prelude to the relationship) liked me a lot more than I liked her, and I was still hung up on Cassie, and it doesn't take a genius to see how wrong that could go. I broke it off when I realised just how much of a jerk I was.

That was when I was 23. And it has only just occurred to me: I haven't the faintest idea how to go about getting a girlfriend the 'normal' way. Seeing as how I've always 'fallen into' relationships, starting one in the traditional manner is a strangely alien concept to me. So when I was single for a while, it hit me: I'm going into town... without a girl... this feels strange. After a while, it seemed rather liberating, but thinking of the months that Cassie was living with me made me realise how much I've come to crave intimacy.

Much as I'd like to call myself 'otherwise normal', I have avoidant personality disorder, depression (it's better now, but not quite gone, and I don't think it'll ever be), a capricious temper and a severe inferiority complex. All in all, I'd call this a terrible personality (though, once you've read this... d'uh, of course I would).

So, uh, help... I guess?

 

[artanis_neravar]

Oh wow, ok lets see...the best I can do for you is just keep doing what your doing, and then when you find a girl you like just ask her out. Sorry if that's not helpful

 

[Zantos]

I've been searching for this answer, I found the best way to be for you to not go after girls. Just put relationships and sex right out of your mind. Then you don't worry so much and just enjoy yourself rather than getting all over-analytic and nervous, giving you an instant apparent confidence boost which puts you in the right line for attracting girls to you. Try and get a wingwoman in on this to pick out the girls being less obvious about it and you're gold. It also gets rid of the "liking her a lot less than she likes you" problem because you're not thinking about relationships so are less likely to get nervous and settle for something quick and easy to attain.

Not saying its the only way, and definitely not the easiest, but I've found it works.

 

[ddrfr33k]

You know, I've essentially "fallen into" all of my relationships, too. I don't think real life plays out the way it does in romantic comedies or Sex and the City.

I'd say getting out and meeting new people would help increase your exposure to potential significant others. The one thing you'd have to be really conscious of is your personality. If you look like you're about to lash out at someone, they're not gonna want to talk to you. I'd highly recommend talking to a psychiatrist or a behavioral therapist if you suspect your personality is getting in the way of living your life.

That's about the best advice I can give. Best of luck to you, either way.

 

[SiskoBlue]

So if you were recently 23 does that mean you're still under 25?

Couple of things to think about;
1. Most people, especially us Western culture people, really focus a lot on identity, and struggle with "who am I?" well into our late 20s, sometimes longer. Get rid of all those labels of avoidant personality disorder, depression, temper and low self-esteem. You're a kid. That doesn't mean you're not intelligent, wise, mature, etc. But really, up until the age of 21 most people's hormone's swing back and forth. Plus, you're entire peer group is filled with people going through the same things.

You also have little choice about where you go and what you do. Your world is pretty much determined by where you live and where you choose to go to school. All this makes it very difficult feel consistent about who you are and what you want. There's still so many things you've never experienced or only just begun to experience.

So you are who you are but don't over-estimate the importance of all the things that have happened in your life so far. No one I know is the same person they were when they were under 25. We all change. So don't go thinking you're destined to any particular relationship type or always going to behave the same in relationships. You're still learning. Also, as you get older you realise "being in a relationship" is not as important as you once though. Finding someone is not the be-all and end-all of life.

Remember despite all those self-help books, religions, and philosophers out there, no one has definitively found the meaning of life. This means there's no rules as to what you SHOULD do, or how you're SUPPOSED to behave. Ignore all that training about having to be Mr. Superman, funny-guy, Don Juan. Just ask yourself what YOU think about things and how YOU feel about them. If you aim to make yourself happy and work to make your life better you can't go far wrong.

2. There is no normal way to meet people. This is easy to prove. Just ask people you know who are in a relationship a) how did you meet them, and b) how did you end up with them. 90% of the time location and convenience play a large part. Not romantic I know but we humans aren't that complicated when it comes to dating. Just do stuff you like, go where you want, talk to whoever you find interesting and the rest will sort itself out normally.

Good luck.

 

[SckizoBoy]

snip

Thanks... but I'm not sure how I'm (wrt my peer group) supposed to 'be'.

I sort of grew up long before I should have, but suddenly stopped when I was (physically) 16. Mentally, my intellect shot through the roof before my maturity had a chance to start (A-Levels at 12-13 which sort of led to mild ostracism). And at 22, I was an emotional wreck (as a result of what would result in me and Cassie's break up, which I will only refer to as 'the event'), even though I knew I had stopped 'developing' years before. She had a mental breakdown at that point which almost ruined me as well and that was the 'direct' cause of our separation.

Almost two years on, and I like to think I'm better (even if just superficially), but I get the feeling that my body is 24, my mentality is 50, my mind is 16 and my heart is long broken and scattered.

(I deleted something that was spoilered, but even then, I think it too personal to divulge... laughable as that sounds.)