Parenting

[jim_doki]

I've started dating a girl, a long time friend of mine incidentally, and she has a four year old daughter.
Now I've been around this kid a lot, like since she was born. She's an adorable little girl and seems to get on quite well with me, (although that could just be because i'm fairly good at the "fun uncle" side of things.) so, now that i've started dating the girl, for the first time in my life i'm dating someone with a kid. This, while interesting and exciting, scares the living hell out of me.
I dont know how to act like a father figure, being that i'm not the father i'm not sure i should be anyway, I'm pretty certain that I eventually will have to start acting like some kind of authority figure, but at this point all I'm doing is entertaining her.

can anyone tell me what the ettiquette in this situation is? i mean i dont want to lose the girl, and it's important to her that I get on with the kid. I dont want to come across as the kids best friend when one day i might have to act like a dad.

 

[Larenxis]

You can pretty much maintain being the 'best friend' most of the time, but if you're in a situation like when the kid doesn't want to go to bed and the mother is stressing out, it's a good time to man up and gently exercise authority. I may recommend talking to the little girl about her friends so as she grows she'll know she can talk to you about her relationships with other people and stuff.

I'm not a parent or anything, I just do child care for 4 year olds a lot, and I keep a fair balance of friend and maternal figure, I think. They like me a lot, and listen when I say "No".

 

[joswie]

For the record, never use the phrase fun uncle, it has an awful connotation. Beyond that, all I can say is that the length of the time dating has a lot to do with the situation. If you go out for an extended period of time, then gradually take a more parental role. If not, then try and be the kid's buddy.

 

[AnGeL.SLayer]

The mother will never let you into her heart until you let the child into yours. That is the best advice I can give you. If you want this to be serious, have an honest shot, you need to work toward loving her child - Your child. That is what it will need to evolve into after enough time. That you love the child as your own and when you look at her you don't see 'my girlfriends child' but my child. When you start to think like that, the parental role kinda just comes into play on its own. Best of luck and you know what, goof for you for going out with a girl who has a child. Many guys wont even take the time.


^_^

 

[Anarchemitis]

That was pretty insightful, Angel.

I plan on being a father within the next ten years, so, I think I'll be glancing at this thread from time to time; it could be very helpful.

 

[cleverlymadeup]

ok first off, don't be her dad and especially if she seems him and don't try to replace him, this is a VERY bad thing for the kid, it confuses them really and can make them misbehave more

best thing to do, is be the kid's friend, however when the mom is having an issue, deal with it but don't do anything unless the mom says it's ok. like if the kid is grounded, enforce the rules, don't do the punishing unless you move in with the mom and it's been a while

now there are a few caveats to it but general, don't be the dad, continue to be the "fun uncle" as you put it until you and her mom get more serious