Passing disabilities to children

[Darkwhite]

(I'm unsure this is the right section, sorry if I'm wrong.) Earlier today I was having a discussion with my flatmate (who has a enlarged vestibular aqueduct leaving her profoundly deaf.) Anyway the subject of children came up and she said she wanted children who also shared her condition. Personally I think that sounds a rather selfish thing to wish for as it restricts the child's options. (I'm physically "normal" so I can't fully understand her condition, sorry if it offends i just can't think of a better way of putting it. If you can tell me one that would be much appreciated.) Her reasoning is it would give her a deeper connection with the child.

I was just curious about other people's feelings on this, and other people with disabilities, would you wish the same thing and what is your reasoning?

 

[Wuffykins]

Looking at it from your flatmate's view, I can see two reasons for why she might say that (within her reasoning as well):

1) I'd have the fear of perhaps mildly resenting my child for being 'normal' (do note: having a fear and actually resenting are two seperate things).
2) I'd be afraid that my 'normal' child would look down on me as time went by.

Please do understand that I'm not trying to put words in her mouth here, but that's the understanding I'm getting at the moment given what you've mentioned in your post. Though it does still come off as selfish, I do see these as something that can negatively affect one's childhood.On the other hand having a child that shares her condition means that she can more effectively teach them to come to grips with it and show them how to live as full a life as possible. It does make a little sense in that light.

 

[Amarok]

Did you ask her why she wanted a child with the same condition as hers?

Maybe it wasn't so much wanting specifically inflict deafness upon a child, but rather going on the reasoning that if her disability was hereditary, she'd want to have a child anyway, and take her own experiences in dealing with the disability in hoping her child had a good quality of life. Perhaps she also feels that if the child shared her disability they could connect and bond on a deeper level - they would both have a similar perspective on the world that the fully-abled wouldn't get.

I have Asperger's Syndrome (properly diagnosed, not DIY) and as I understand it it's not fully known whether or not its genetic, but if it were I'd quite like to have an AS child for similar reasons - helping the child with what I've learned, and being able to share thoughts with an understand the child in ways neurotypicals can't.

(My dad has AS too and I very much value being able to talk about the world with him)

 

[emeraldrafael]

Why do I feel like I saw this thread before in almost its exactness?

Anyway, I wouldnt wish my child to have any kinda disability, thats just bad parenting. you odnt need your child to be disabled to have a "deeper" bond then other parents appearantly have (which isnt necessarily true, and sounds like your friend needs to hop off that high horse), especially if you're the primary parent/guardian. If you're an actual GOOD parent, you should be able to bond with your child deeply with nothing else.

So no, as a parent, you should hope that your child never has to suffer from something like this, especially if its preventable. I'm not saying she shouldnt have a child, but saying that you want to have one and hope it ends up like you instead of hoping against it is just poor parenting.

 

[Darkwhite]

(She's reading this as well and says that she doesn't think that, she doesn't wish to be hearing even if she was given the choice so i doubt its to do with resentment) But you make a good point.

 

[Darkwhite]

*****

At least try to make a good point. Being offensive isn't helping anybody.

 

[BlueGlowstick]

I'd think it would be because in case a cure came up when she had children, she can get them cured.

But I'd never wish that for my future children. I have nonepileptic seizures & we don't know what cause them. We think stress, but I still take medicine. I have been tested for brain cancer & epilepsy. If I have children I will most likely pass on my condition not by choice, but because I have 3 family members with diagnosed epilepsy. If I do pass on my condition, I will blame myself for the entirety of the child's lifetime even though I haven't had seizures in three years (*knock on wood*). I also have other medical conditions that run in my family. I am one of the illest in my family but also one of the healthiest.

 

[robb4rock6]

ill put it this way love is selfish and i understand her pov and i would resopnd the same way in her place

 

[Darkwhite]

ill put it this way love is selfish and i understand her pov and i would resopnd the same way in her place

I do understand where you are coming from but i'm just curious, what would your reasons be for that choice, her reasons are vague and i'm not sure she fully understands them herself but she knows her mind and what she wants.

 

[rex922]

i think its a little unfair to an unborn child to wish such a thing upon them

 

[robb4rock6]

with so few people in the world knowing and undersanding her condition having someone so close to know exactly were shes coming from could make a world of differance

 

[Verlander]

I think she wants it because she's formed a character through this experience. She feels that she has become a better person because of her condition.

I would disagree though. No one shares the same life, no one has identical experiences. There are plenty of healthy people who are great people nonetheless. There are people with disabilities who are right cunts.

So in short, I get where she's coming from, but wishing a disability on anyone is just a little selfish and, well, mean. I'm sure if she could choose to have the condition changed, she probably would.

 

[Darkwhite]

I think she wants it because she's formed a character through this experience. She feels that she has become a better person because of her condition.

I would disagree though. No one shares the same life, no one has identical experiences. There are plenty of healthy people who are great people nonetheless. There are people with disabilities who are right cunts.

So in short, I get where she's coming from, but wishing a disability on anyone is just a little selfish and, well, mean. I'm sure if she could choose to have the condition changed, she probably would.

I was discussing this with her just and given the option she would remain deaf, simply because to her it is normal, hearing to her is like deafness to us in a sense.

 

[Verlander]

I think she wants it because she's formed a character through this experience. She feels that she has become a better person because of her condition.

I would disagree though. No one shares the same life, no one has identical experiences. There are plenty of healthy people who are great people nonetheless. There are people with disabilities who are right cunts.

So in short, I get where she's coming from, but wishing a disability on anyone is just a little selfish and, well, mean. I'm sure if she could choose to have the condition changed, she probably would.

I was discussing this with her just and given the option she would remain deaf, simply because to her it is normal, hearing to her is like deafness to us in a sense.

That's fine, but if it were to all start again, would she feel the same? I mean, from a child, she could hear, and not have all of the hospital visits, and tests, and bullying (if that ever happened)? She could very well be the same person she is now, but have the ability to appreciate sound.

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing "wrong" with being deaf, or partially deaf, but it is referred to as a disability for a reason-she is less able than the standard person.

I think there is a difference between wanting your child to have a disability, and not minding if they do. One is malicious, and the other is accepting. Perhaps we've all got the wrong end of the stick?

 

[Rylot]

I think she wants it because she's formed a character through this experience. She feels that she has become a better person because of her condition.

I would disagree though. No one shares the same life, no one has identical experiences. There are plenty of healthy people who are great people nonetheless. There are people with disabilities who are right cunts.

So in short, I get where she's coming from, but wishing a disability on anyone is just a little selfish and, well, mean. I'm sure if she could choose to have the condition changed, she probably would.

I was discussing this with her just and given the option she would remain deaf, simply because to her it is normal, hearing to her is like deafness to us in a sense.

I can understand her opinion on not wanting to be "normal" even if given the choice. I was born with spina bifada and can walk some but use a chair for most out door day to day things. I agree with her, if given the choice I wouldn't give up being me.

 

[ZtH]

While she is uniquely qualified to determine whether her condition has adversely affected her life, I still don't think its a good thing to wish anything like that upon your child. When you have children you get what you get and you love them regardless.

 

[FamoFunk]

Wanting her child to be disabled?

Hmm, I don't know; it's a grey area as we're not in that position.
It's what She knows and to her is "normal" to her is would should be "normal" if it was born with the condition, it's something only she'll have with that child if you see what I mean?

Personally I do think it's wrong to wish disability on a child, or anyone, regardless of how minor the disability is or how it affects anyone.

 

[Wuffykins]

(She's reading this as well and says that she doesn't think that, she doesn't wish to be hearing even if she was given the choice so i doubt its to do with resentment) But you make a good point.

(I'm going to take this as a response to my earlier comment since I'm the only one who mentioned resentment)

Wow. That is a very cool thing on her part, as I'm sure not everyone would say the same in that situation. That said, I'll just step back as I mentioned what came to mind concerning your flatmate as I'm quite frankly in the wrong shoes to say any more on her possible motivations and reasoning.

... damn, it really feels odd to be writing 'her' when I know that she's.... err, you're reading this.

Edit: Quick re-read after post showed that tone may be misintrepreted, deciding to take out completely.