People asking me to be more open vs keep things to myself
- Thread starter FakeSympathy
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On a serious note. My "solution" to this was to tell myself, "I am just an advisor, I will give potential ideas for solutions but if anyone presses me on them then I will immediately give way." Find your "king" and dedicate yourself to them when it comes to decision making. They have final say on everything, never stand your ground, always defer to their judgement.
I've never liked funerals. I'll probably end up skipping mine.
Finally another reason to quote one of my favorite lines from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia!
See what I do is ask someone what their opinion of something is, and then offer mine as a way of reciprocating. In class someone will ask me to taste the onion soup they just made, and I'll ask what Im tasting for, and what they think of it, and listen to them while I taste, and then offer my thoughts, even if all they asked is for me to taste it.
I have a lot of opinions. So much so I often check myself, asking why I noticed X, and why I formed an opinion about it when its 100,000% no my business in the least.
So to avoid just being some asshole, I stay quiet and watch and learn and observe and when asked, I have a ready to-go thought out opinion.
Also when it comes to people sharing too much, if its the first time we've met and I ask to you tell me about yourself, Im not asking about your sexuality. I don't care where you put your penis or what you put in your vagina. I was asking about work, hobbies, education, TV shows you like. The boring shit we go through to decide if you're interesting enough to ask further questions.
I have a lot of opinions. So much so I often check myself, asking why I noticed X, and why I formed an opinion about it when its 100,000% no my business in the least.
So to avoid just being some asshole, I stay quiet and watch and learn and observe and when asked, I have a ready to-go thought out opinion.
Also when it comes to people sharing too much, if its the first time we've met and I ask to you tell me about yourself, Im not asking about your sexuality. I don't care where you put your penis or what you put in your vagina. I was asking about work, hobbies, education, TV shows you like. The boring shit we go through to decide if you're interesting enough to ask further questions.
I don't tend to care what people think. I am who I am, and if that bothers you, that's a "you" problem. I'm honest, and I keep to myself what I wish. As an introvert, I've rarely had the problem of oversharing, talking to much, or being over opinionated. If I think my opinion matters, I'll offer it. If I don't think it adds value to someone else or the conversation, I keep it. Being open doesn't mean telling everyone you meet everything about yourself or everything you think. If someone solicits my thoughts, I'll tell them being cognizant of my choice of words, keeping it direct, concise, honest, but never mean or harsh. My opinions may not reflect someone else's, but neither does it invalidate them; to each their own.
I've found that people who actively ask for openness are curious, and there's better ways to elicit it, i.e.: ask the questions they want answered instead of simply offering you should change and dump your entire brain on the table to appease their curiosity as the rifle through you inner-most self. If someone suggest you share too much, well, that's a "you" problem too. Read the room. Figure out if what you choose to say needs to be said. The best way to figure that out? Say nothing until specifically asked, and a lie is always more detailed than the truth.
I've found that people who actively ask for openness are curious, and there's better ways to elicit it, i.e.: ask the questions they want answered instead of simply offering you should change and dump your entire brain on the table to appease their curiosity as the rifle through you inner-most self. If someone suggest you share too much, well, that's a "you" problem too. Read the room. Figure out if what you choose to say needs to be said. The best way to figure that out? Say nothing until specifically asked, and a lie is always more detailed than the truth.
For me it's not so much caring what people think about me but that what they think about me will lead to them trying to disrupt me or what I'm doing. Judgement is fine, they can judge me all they want, it's when that turns to wanting to get involved that it becomes a problem for me.
And that's a thing I don't allow to happen. I am who I am; if I need anything from anyone I'll ask, but I'm not accepting volunteers, particularly if they grate against my current flow.
In a work situation it's better to be a yes man. Just agree with everything the boss or the group says.
That's massively horrible advice for anyone. That's the exact thinking that has allowed the corporate world that everyone hates to propagate as long as it has. A leader who refuses to be questioned is a dictator. A follower who refuses to question is a slave. A leader who doesn't realize they're not being questioned because the culture they've cultivated has led their employees to believe "yes man-ing" is the key to success under their leadership is an idiot.
Well, yes, but a follower that questions only gets anywhere if the boss wants, or allows, questioning. If they don't, then being the yes-man isn't a bad idea.
Hell, how many people actually care if their company does well or does poorly, so long as they get paid? Maybe include being good at their own job, but they are likely not going to care about or approve of a lot of what their company does.
If being a yes man is vital to your position, that only portends it's a bad job and you should find another one. The irony of the corporate culture is that it often pretends it encourages independent thinking and innovation from its employees, but yes men still tend to make up a significant portion of the employee base, so there's inherent lying going in both directions, and the reason everyone knows it sucks. If you just want the money, that's fine; sew your lips to the ass of the person above you. But if want a position with any dignity, I'd advise seeking one out.
I don't like pain.
Also, if this were a question of some king of moral issue then I would 100% not stand for that and quit, but as far as my company being inneficient goes, Its not catastrophically and I've gotten very tired of trying to do things only to get shut down, plenty of times that were correct too, so I'd rather just give way and move on.
It's realistic advice. Better to be a well paid idiot at the top of the career ladder than a broke idealist at the bottom.
That assumes an idealist is going to be broke. A defeatist's attitude, and a huge part of the larger problem. Let us not forget, idealists are those who created corporate culture, those with big ideas that interested the rest that no one wants to question for fear of being hung out to dry.
I'm not saying I'm pulling down a 7-figure salary or anything, but I've survived at my company for almost 13 years with a comfortable salary, and never once have I been the yes man. I've asked a lot of questions, suggested a lot of changes, been depended upon for a lot of information, and never once have I felt my dignity infringed upon. The second I do feel that way, I'm out. I've no loyalty to the entity, but I'd like to think I'm good at my job, and the second that's taken for granted, I'll take my skill set elsewhere, maybe even somewhere with less emphasis on "do as you're told, and your boss is never wrong." I've watched it happen around me, and I've seen those same people burn out or get called out and released; at least go out on your own terms.
The yes man culture has to end. Does no one recognize that true changes happens when someone bucks the system? Complacency is going to be the death of the corporate world, and I'm glad for it. The corporate world needs to change, and if it takes the top dogs stepping on their own feet while everyone beneath them pats them on the back, then so be it.
You don't have to reinvent the wheel with every job you hold, but at least have the dignity to suggest change or a differing opinion if the position you hold actually matters to you. But as I offered, if you're content to collect the paycheck, then don't complain; be a happy slave and hold no ideas of your own quietly. I say that as kindly as possible though it sounds rather harsh.
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For my part, I am well aware of the dangers of an attitude of "Just keep your head down". There are numerous examples one can look at throughout history to see where that has ended badly, my own birthday is on the same date as the Chernobyl disaster which largely occurred because of this attitude. But I've also seen what often happens to those that try to buck the system through reading and my own experiences and it's often not gone anywhere other than making me tired at best. Or perhaps I'm just like a German during WWII I read about railing against all the horrible things they were doing to his friend who asked him why he didn't do something if he felt that way to which he said something to the effect of, "Because I'm a coward! You hear me!? I'm a bloody coward."