Petty crap

[Ten Foot Bunny]

About a month and a half ago, one member of the gaming group I played with on XBL unfriended me because I took a month and a half off from gaming after my grandmother died, and I needed time to grieve. I told the entire group what was going on and this individual still dropped me for being inactive.

I wouldn't have cared one iota about that if it wasn't for what came next. Exactly a week before my birthday (September 24) he told one member of the group not to invite me into party chat, but this individual did it anyway. The mature group member invited me in again two days later. That's when the person who unfriended me put me on mute, convinced the other "lead" member to unfriend me, and told everyone else to do likewise and not let me into anything the group did. These two told everyone else that they needed to choose between me and the group, the penalty being that they would be booted out as well.

Mind you, this wasn't some MMO raiding guild or anything like that. It was just a group of us who would play together if two or more of us were on at the same time. There were no "rules" of any sort - we were just a casual group of gamers - so this whole ordeal has left me very confused and kind of hurt. I never imagined such a thing would happen just because I needed some time off from gaming due to a trauma in my life. I thought they were above doing something so petty.

So now everyone is strong-armed into forcing me out of all of their gaming circles and not being in any parties with me. This has left me with absolutely no-one to game with now.

It doesn't help that the two times I grouped with unknown people prior to that (well, not entirely unknown - I knew the decent guy from my gaming group) they all told him to kick me from the party because I was a girl and they didn't want me, calling me "Ten Foot Boner" and shit like that.

I just don't know anymore. I desperately want people to game with but I'm so nervous about the possibility of dealing with situations like these again.

Have any of you dealt with this kind of thing in your gaming lives? How did you handle it?

 

[TheRiddler]

That really stinks. That guy sounds like a complete jerk. I've never had this problem in gaming (mostly single-player stuff for me) but it's happened to me once or twice with people I used to think of as friends, and it's just sucked each time.

Do you know anyone IRL who games (or who you could get into gaming)? If not, I'm sure there are gaming groups on the Escapist you could join.

Spoiler: I stink at emotional support, so I'll just leave a cheerful video here.

 

[Foolery]

Ouch. Nothing as immature as that. Except that time I was harassed in Left4Dead, by a fellow I had initially thought was alright. But I do have a friend who has a tendency to drop people off his steam friend-list if he doesn't hear from you in a couple months. He always says it's nothing personal, just keeping his steam tidy. Gamers can be a fickle bunch. I tend to take online friendships a bit more deeply than others, if you're on my friends-list and I enjoy your company, I won't remove you, ever. Even if I don't hear from you in a month, year, etc. People have lives and priorities to take care of in the real world. My fundamental gaming/internet belief is that behind every screen-name, there is a flesh and blood person with feelings, issues, and so on. Respect and empathy goes a long way. Sorry he acted like a shit-bag.

Edit: Oh and there was that time a group I had been playing with for about a year shunned me from their Minecraft sessions. Simply because I wandered off from the group and got stuck in a cave while trying to get some resources. People suck sometimes. My response is usually just bugger off and hopefully find new peeps to play with. I have no patience for petty shenanigans.

 

[sneakypenguin]

I'm usually the kicker for petty reasons. Been on the other end to. Usually if your getting kicked sometimes its just a personality clash or you get under peoples skin for no reason.

For me I have room for about 3 or 4 people per game even if we're bff's in public sometimes in game I just wanna run with a certain group to the exclusion of others. I've been playing with some people then the "A" team pops up online and I gotta kick to make room for the ones I have even more fun with. People who are away for a while also kinda get shoved to the bottom of the pile. Sometimes you just gotta let people go, maybe your skills dropped off maybe you no longer entertain them, who cares theres probably another 100,000 out there playing the same game, be fun, or good and you'll be drowning in group or friend request.

 

[MirenBainesUSMC]

Cheer up.

I wouldn't spend too much emotional interest in such petty behavior. It really has to deal with maturity levels and what type of personality you may be dealing with --- its easy for someone to pretend on the internet, its faceless and it doesn't cost an a----hole to be rude, obnoxious, or in this case, making a tantrum with threats of kicking people off in order to sway things his way. Sounds to me this person probably gets kicked around a lot IRL or perhaps in a position to where he/she is on the receiving end of matters both physical/mental in their daily lives....and internet anonymity gives them a sense of being Rex.

Who knows --- you could go in either direction.

Fact of the matter is, I wouldn't allow yourself to get too upset. You just need to find good players that mesh well with you.

I don't play online myself, I don't have the patience to deal with some young kid saying words he probably doesn't even understand from the get go... and it is waaaaaay to easy to get under someone's skin. Too many racist and sexist comments too for my liking, I've never seen so many people use the N word as if it was a casual thing to throw around. I hope to god they don't act that way in the street for their safety.

Sorry you have dealt with this and it has touched you in such a way.

 

[JaceArveduin]

Well that sucks, I would have called for a coup at that point to overthrow those idiots. Seriously, that guy was powertripping pretty hard... Something similar to that actually did happen at one point: It was back when LotRO had just went live and I was second in command to a kinship there, but eventually the leader just went full-dumbass so I left. Funny how after I left the kinship died within the month. Also, I'm sure there's a few decent people from these parts that would play with you if we knew the game.

But I do have a friend who has a tendency to drop people off his steam friend-list if he doesn't hear from you in a couple months. He always says it's nothing personal, just keeping his steam tidy. Gamers can be a fickle bunch.

I'm guilty of that, though my filter is "do I remember who the hell you are?" If the answer is no, I delete and move on with life.

 

[Shamanic Rhythm]

That all sounds pretty immature. I shouldn't be surprised though, plenty of gamers have always behaved like that in my experience.

I have found that talking to someone in PM can be a good circuit breaker. If you just send them a "Hey (wo)man, can we put this stuff behind us?" kind of message they sometimes feel compelled to respond gracefully. That happened to me once in my old WC3 guild, I got into a pissing match with someone over a poorly worded forum post and after about a week of stirring crap up between our respective supporters (we were both deputy clan leaders or whatever it was called), he spoke to me in PM and we did the online equivalent of having a beer and laughing it off.

 

[Foolery]

Well that sucks, I would have called for a coup at that point to overthrow those idiots. Seriously, that guy was powertripping pretty hard... Something similar to that actually did happen at one point: It was back when LotRO had just went live and I was second in command to a kinship there, but eventually the leader just went full-dumbass so I left. Funny how after I left the kinship died within the month. Also, I'm sure there's a few decent people from these parts that would play with you if we knew the game.

But I do have a friend who has a tendency to drop people off his steam friend-list if he doesn't hear from you in a couple months. He always says it's nothing personal, just keeping his steam tidy. Gamers can be a fickle bunch.

I'm guilty of that, though my filter is "do I remember who the hell you are?" If the answer is no, I delete and move on with life.

He's pretty chill about it, and I've re-added him plenty of times, with no issues. Very easy to clear the air and catch up with.

Some people have friend-lists that go into the hundreds, so I get why people do it.

 

[Ten Foot Bunny]

Thanks, you all... it's good to hear such things. I know I'm taking this way too hard, but I don't deal well with emotional situations because I have bipolar disorder and my moods get fucked up far too easily.

My condition even cost me my last job, which was complete bullshit because my boss and the HR department knew I have bipolar (which is legally classified as a disability) and yet they did nothing about a coworker who was putting me through the wringer on a daily basis. She started withholding things I needed for my job to the point that I had to ask other coworker to get things from her for me. They eventually got sick of me even though they knew the other person was the agitator, and right before I got fired, I was crying three to four hours a day while I worked. My boss said it was disturbing my other coworkers (understandable) and so I started crying while sitting under my desk. In the end, I got fired four hours before my interview for a permanent position, which I thought I'd get because I had glowing reviews and had been there for a year and a half. I bought a nice jacket for the interview and wound up wearing it to my firing.

My coworkers wouldn't respond to me after I lost my job and so I have a year and a half worth of work with no references to show for it.

They're not the only ones who stopped talking to me though. After my job went down the drain, I saw one friend in August, another in November, and I haven't seen any of my friends since. They kept blowing me off to the point that, in April, I stopped making an effort, stopped updating Facebook, stopped sending texts, and stopped calling. You know what happened? Nothing. Nobody reached out to me. Nice to know I can drop off the face of the Earth and nobody I considered a friend would know or care.

I always tend to have some major shakeup with friends (as in, losing them) right before my birthday and I hoped this year would be different. So when my gaming group booted me five days before my birthday, I was shell-shocked. I also hoped that, unlike last year when not a single person celebrated my birthday with me, that wouldn't happen this year. Again, I was wrong. Nobody called, nobody offered to hang out.

So I feel like I've lost all of my real life friends and social contacts in the last year. Literally everyone. I'm an extrovert and so this is killing me. Except for one night, I've been alone for 11 months now (as of this week). It's a living hell.

Because of all that, I had some severe bipolar depression symptoms and checked into a hospital two days after my birthday when I felt suicidal. I had to go back a couple days ago for the same.

I feel like such an idiot too, like I should be able to control these moods and I DEFINITELY shouldn't be this upset. But I am, and it's because of a biological illness that doesn't always stay under control with meds, which I'm good about taking regularly. So I'm sorry if this whole topic seems stupid. But thank you all so much for your replies. They mean a whole lot to me.

---------------

EDIT - BTW, the two people responsible for what happened to me in my gaming group weren't young kids. One (the instigator) is 25 and the other is 34. Pathetic, in'nt it?

 

[Evonisia]

I'm afraid I've not seen anything as immature as that in my day. The closest I could come to that (in the online sense anyway) was about four or five years ago when some friends were just pretty much evacuating and playing amongst themselves. Because I'm not above pulling petty shit I essentially just forced myself into speaking to one person (well, two, but the first one more so) and pulling them away from the group.

Sure I had other friends on the list, but they're the ones I won't let go but also don't talk to because those Halo 3 memories man.

 

[The_Blue_Rider]

I havent really come across that in any games, mainly because the only online games I play these days is Street Fighter and other fighting games.
Come to think of it, there was one guy who just loved rubbing how good he was in my face. I put up with it since it was just trash talk, and then it started to become actual insults, like calling me a fag and saying how much I sucked at life. Presumably because I wasnt as good as him at Street Fighter. Kinda sucked the joy out of the game since I got matched up with him all the time

 

[ghalleon0915]

Something similar happened to me with my WoW guild. We had friended ourselves in battlenet, and in Xbox/PSN because we liked playing with each other ( man, those 8 player FFA's in Starcraft 2 were so much fun) . It helped that we all were over 25 and mostly professionals ( just putting that in there to show that even mature and professional adults aren't exempt) so things went smoothly for the most part. Then I had to go to OZ for an extended length of time and their internet there is nowhere near what I get here in Canada
( well at least the ones provided by Optusnet weren't fast or reliable) so I was absent for a while ( although they knew I was visiting my girl). At the same time another guildee had to move from Arizona to Seattle so he was also gone for an extended period of time. When we both got back we found ourselves unfriended from our gaming lists except for battlenet. Turned out one of them had buddies whom he wanted to play with and they took our place, as it were. The others bowed down to the pressure to " keep the peace" and not rock the boat. They didn't really explain why we had to be unfriended, but whatever I guess. I suppose it was no coincidence that shortly afterwards a lot of the old-time guild members left/quit the game and were replaced by that same person's buddies.

This was pretty disheartening since we had been together since 2005 ( yes, Vanilla WoW player and 40 man raider here...) so goes to show that anything can, and will, happen when you least expect it. I can sympathize with your trepidation; I myself rarely play online nowadays because I've become so very cynical of gaming. Or rather, of those who play games online. I play games to relax and relieve some stress, and since my job entails dealing with irate people ( mostly accountants and people in charge of budgets/expenses) I would love not to deal with additional asshats online.

I hope you do find some new gaming buddies online; despite the stigma it has attached to it, online gaming can be quite fun and rewarding if played with the right people, as you prolly already know. Try to keep your chin up, and work through it somehow.

Edit - just saw the rest of the OP's post, yeah....people can be asshats in real life ( shocking, I know). Something similar happened to me a few years ago, when I lost all my so-called friends after I went through a divorce. It's funny how people can just stop talking to you at the drop of a hat, people you've known a long time. I basically had to reboot my life and start from scratch. Now I have a bare minimum of friends, but I'm happier for it. I don't really do social media except FB and that is more to stay in touch with friends who have moved on to other countries and such and even then I don't log on too often.

So I know how it feels OP, to be utterly alone; I went through that not too long ago. Although I a not bi-polar, I did go through some mild depression and melancholia. I managed to get through that sans meds, so here's hoping you'll feel better soon and at the very least you'll ind some new and better gaming buddies. Good luck!

 

[BloatedGuppy]

I just don't know anymore. I desperately want people to game with but I'm so nervous about the possibility of dealing with situations like these again.

Have any of you dealt with this kind of thing in your gaming lives? How did you handle it?

Wow. No.

I mean once my girlfriend, days into her first ever MMO experience, took the first guild invite she got and then had to leave when someone kept making loud racist jokes in guild chat. That's about the extent of it.

And I guess I'm forced to deal with idiots in DOTA daily but it's not like we chose one another.

What you are describing sounds like the work of malignant children. Unless you are a child yourself, you are likely better off without their company in every respect. And if you are a child you should totally go kick over their tricycle or whatever else it is children do for revenge, because that shit isn't cool.

TEN FOOT BONER ISN'T EVEN A CLEVER NICKNAME WTF GUYS.

Thanks, you all... it's good to hear such things. I know I'm taking this way too hard, but I don't deal well with emotional situations because I have bipolar disorder and my moods get fucked up far too easily.

My girlfriend was diagnosed as bi-polar in her teens. She's since come to doubt her diagnosis (it's more depression/anxiety than depression/mania) but her father presents as classic bi-polar and has for his entire adult life. As I'm sure you don't need me to tell you, it's tough.

Other than the obvious advice of making sure you've got good therapeutic support and that you find medication that works for you (that shit is not one size fits all), the one thing I'd really recommend is to seek out and befriend "low drama" people. My girlfriend works in the mental health industry, and she meets a lot of people with mental illnesses, whom she often feels compelled to befriend. The sad reality is they tend not to make the best of friends for each other, as there's seldom room for both of their issues in a budding friendship. Her oldest and best friends are laid back, caring, and infinitely patient. Those are good qualities in a regular friend...they are exemplary qualities in a friend for someone who has to battle a mental illness.

It's very easy to be sympathetic to the concept of mental illness...it's quite another shepherd a loved one through an extended depression or mania. It can require a strong bond, and it can be very difficult to forge relationships like that online, especially with people we only know casually through the games we play. Online "friends" can turn on you for standing in the fire too long or losing your match up at mid or failing to turn up on raid night, let alone stick with you through genuine emotional upheaval.

TLDR...I wouldn't put any effort into or shed any tears over losing "friendships" like the ones described in your OP. If you do find people who are patient, kind, understanding, etc...those are the friendships to cultivate.

 

[CannibalCorpses]

Just throwing out a random though i had when i read your post...

Did the guy who caused all the fuss fancy you or something? Seems like the sort of thing someone who thinks there is a more to a situation than there really is might do. Blokes are just as fragile as women when it comes to emotion and rejection, especially when it's assumed or imagined likes or loves.

As for myself i've never had anything like that happen to me in gaming...but i'm usually too hard to replace and generally i only group with my friends. I'm the last person to want to kick people out because i'm the first person to take responsibility for training the worst players. Kicking people out is like admitting that i'm not good enough to teach them and well...my...ego...wont...allow...it. When i sort another home internet connection out maybe we can team up on something

 

[Idsertian]

Sounds like a bunch of asshats you're better off without, OP. The worst level of immaturity I've come across is the usual kids trying out the brand new naughty words they've learned. Or the tryhard dudebro who has to prove how "l33t" he is by calling everyone else crap and making accusations with regards to their purported homosexuality, whilst also insinuating he sleeps with their mothers. The kind of person that rages and calls hacks when someone with real skill comes in and utterly destroys them. That's always funny to watch.

Sucks that it hit you so hard, though. While I don't suffer with bipolar myself, I know at least one other person who does and seeing her in one of her mood swings isn't a pleasant sight or affair for anyone involved, poor girl. Losing people you thought were friends always sucks ass, though, and I can commiserate on that front. Shit hurts. I'd offer to fill out that friends list on XBL, but I neither have Gold anymore, nor do I really use the 360 that much atm. Steam, on the other hand...

Also, probably way too long after the fact, but do you not have any sort of recourse against your former employer? Sounds pretty shady, the way they booted you. If you didn't report your co-worker being an ass, then they should have at least attempted to find out what was bothering you so much that you were spending large portions of your shift bawling your eyes out. I smell corporate bullshit, and it does not smell nice.

 

[Barbas]

Things like this can be particularly unpleasant when they occur, because you'd like to think that people would know better, especially when it's people you through were your friends. It's not that hard to move on from, though. Here I think people much more commonly see real friends in one-another as opposed to just someone you play a few games with and forget about.

There's actually at least one gaming group of regulars in the R&P forum, as well as people from all sorts of time zones in the EUNOPF and IL. A few people have asked me about what the community here is really like and if it's that much different from others they've come across during their time on the internet. I say come and see for yourselves. A few friends and me set up semi-regular Google+ Hangouts where people can get to know one-another better and talk about what's going on. I'd say there are quite a few people in your boat, Ten.

EDIT: Ouch. Sorry to hear about what happened at your job. That was disgraceful of them and I don't think people would blame you for wanting to take the insensitive clowns to court over it. There's actually probably somebody you might get further help from on Twitter. I'll see if I can find him and PM you contact info.

That really stinks. That guy sounds like a complete jerk. I've never had this problem in gaming (mostly single-player stuff for me) but it's happened to me once or twice with people I used to think of as friends, and it's just sucked each time.

Do you know anyone IRL who games (or who you could get into gaming)? If not, I'm sure there are gaming groups on the Escapist you could join.

Spoiler: I stink at emotional support, so I'll just leave a cheerful video here.

He just puts the whole burrito in his tiny little cheeks and it makes him look all fat. Heh. Truly, hamsters are a wonder. Please accept this as payment for services rendered:

Spoiler: JonTron's voice dubbed over a bird.

 

[Lieju]

Not in gaming circles, but a family member just turned on me very suddenly.
Just out of nowhere she cut all communication and told us her side of the family won't talk to us now.

It was such a petty thing and so utterly ridiculous I can only conclude she never wanted to deal with me and this was an excuse out. I just wish she would have been honest about it, now I don't know why she did it...

 

[Grouchy Imp_v1legacy]

Ouch, that sucks. I don't really have experience of anything like that in gaming circles, but there have been times in the past when my real life social circle has - for whatever reason - become polarised over a certain issue and I have been given the ultimatum of 'you're either with us or with them'. The thing with these kinds of situations is that if someone is willing to fall out with you over a petty issue then chances are they not worth the emotional investment that the term 'friend' implies. In your particular case, the one who you refer to as the "mature one" sounds like a genuine friend, the rest would appear to have little or no regard for your feelings and therefore deserve equally little or none of your time or concern.

Aaannnddd the above paragraph highlights exactly why I suck at emotional support.

 

[Phasmal]

Wow, that's really shallow and horrible. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I've been through my fair share of petty things in gaming circles.

One of the ones that confuses me the most was when a member of a guild I was in took a dislike to me all of a sudden. We'd been nothing but friendly and polite before on the voice server, and then it seemed he just completely soured towards me. He'd go sullen, negative and silent when I was talking and ignore things I had said. He eventually snapped and told me `You know I actually play games to AVOID female voices`. That comment still confuses me. If it makes any sense, he was going through a divorce at the time.

Oh and a guy I know also crashed one of the guilds I was running with his brother because his brother hadn't been hanging out with him. Totally ignoring the work I had put into it.

And of course there's the usual petty things of hunting around for a safe server if you want to play a game with voice chat.

 

[-Dragmire-]

Ouch, harsh dealings with a douche. I tend to not play online as I feel the need to please others at the detriment of my own enjoyment so I've found it best to stay to single player stuff.

I hope things work out well for you.