Pimpin Reviews: Dominos Pizza Turnaround >A so stupid its funny review<

Pimppeter2 · May 14, 2010

[h4]Pimpin Reviews: Domino's Pizza Turnaround[/h4]

Tid Bits
-Thanks to Labyrinth for the Pimpin Banner
-It seems like I haven written a funny review for Pimpin Reviews in ages. So take this light hearted. And if I offend you.... 'Tuff

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Dominos' Pizza
Platform: Carboard Box
Genre: Pizza
Modes: Single Eater/Multi Eaters
Developer: Dominos

Long Long ago in a Galazy far far away

Domino's Pizza is a corporation, and therefore is obliged by some surreptitious tacit code to be less than truthful in their methods of advertisement. Therefore, when Domino?s launched their ambitious new ad campaign to inform us of their revamped product, I was less than ecstatic. To my cynical consumer mentality, I couldn?t get over the fact that they were now slamming the same product they had been praising mere months ago. Despite my valid logic, Domino's ?turnaround? campaign has quickly boosted their sales to record highs. They must be doing something right, and it?s up to a lone hungry Pimp to find out what.

The Order

Like with any means of obtaining food, the first step was ordering. You see, humanity still hasn?t developed a way to read my mind and satisfy me via delicious goodness even before this unnatural craving for ~~souls~~ food begins. This is just another reason that humanity will fall when the aliens come to make us their collective *****, but I digress. I took a venture into a series of interconnecting network tubes and obtained my local shops
information.

While there, I played with the idea of ordering online. But despite the tempting bonus offer, I decided against it. I mean really, ordering online is akin to helping the ?Borgs take over humanity, and seriously, being The Chosen One would really effect my free time. But then again I would totally bang Trinity.

What was I talking about? Ah yes, after waiting for the obnoxiously long dial tone, which obviously has no respect for the burning pain in my ~~heart~~ stomach, I was connected to what I?ll assume was a busty strawberry blond. And thus my quest began with a one liner of epic proportions; ?Yea Domino's? I?d like a large pepperoni pizza with a side of cheesy bread and a coke.?

That?s right, didn?t even say please.

The Delivery

So there I sat, in anguish; Thirty minuets, thirty whole minuets. I couldn?t think about anything but the molten cheese and zesty tomato that had been promised to be bestowed upon my taste buds. I tried to distract myself from my torment so I trolled on this site called The Escapist, but not nearly enough people were wrong for me to justify bunching my panties. So I decided to watch video games reviews by this amusing British-born, currently Australian-based writer and gamer with a sweet hat and a chip on his shoulder, maybe you?ve heard of him. I hear he?s quite famous on the internet.

We the people of Domino's, solemnly swear not to stick out dicks in your pizza anymore.

Despite the quickly escalating pain in my innards, the police refused to take me to the nearest hospital, and Poison Control wasn?t much help either. Bunch of goddamn commies. After lingering in unimaginable hunger for a couple more of what seemed like hours, I heard a heavy knock on my door. It was here, the moment of truth. I went to the door cash in hand, like little Charlie on his way home with the golden ticket. To my surprise, the delivery boy was not a boy, but a full grown foreigner. EWWWWWWWWWWWW. It didn?t matter, I paid him the reasonable price of $19.99 and even gave him a $2 tip. I wouldn?t want to make Thomas Malthus mad.

This meal was going to be like a Forrest Fire

[HEADING=1]IN TENTS.[/HEADING]

The Pizza

As with all the hyped up products I have ever bought, I pleaded with Godzilla to bring me good fortune, in his preferred way of a lightly choreographed song and dance. Sing it with me

But don't tell my heart, my achy breaky heart
I just don't think it'd understand
And if you tell my heart, my achy breaky heart
He might blow up and kill this man

After sacrificing Huergo, my Pilipino gardener, it seemed like Godzilla had been satisfied. I proceeded to open the boxes. Initial response: it looks the fuckin? same, what gives? I decided to take it slow, incidentally the opposite of what I do in bed, and start with the cheesy bread. What soon because clear was that when Domino's said that they made their pizza better, they meant only their pizza, the cheesy bread hasn?t changed a bit. Which I guess is fine, it was always delicious.

Kinky

After playing with the sticks and consequentially spilling marinara sauce all over my shirt like a child, I decided to move on to the big boy; My Pepperoni Pizza. Yeah, capitalized, that?s how you know its hard core. Ohh it was glorious, not the pizza mind you, the way I attacked the things like a vicious cantaloupe. Yes a cantaloupe, got a problem with that?

Where where we? Ohh yea, the Pizza, it wasn?t really all that great. It was definitely slightly better than the last one, and the crust was much more garlicy. But all in all I wasn?t too impressed. Pizza is pizza, and for a cheap price it was quite the deal. But I feel like I could have spent my 1800 calories else where.

So Domino?s didn?t live up to its commercials, and left me, an American, disappointed.

I smell a lawsuit.

Le Morning After

After passing out next to the empty box of pizza, and about 8 grams of heroin, the stench of garlic that still lingered on my breath reminded me that I had the hindsight to save a couple of slices for the morning.

What can I say? Morning pizza is delicious, regardless of quality. And if you disagree then you can go tear down this wall, Mr. Gorbachev!

And you people said he wasn't a terrorist. REAGAN! REAGAN! REAGAN!

In Conclusion

Yeah, I started my conclusion with ?In conclusion?; that?s right Mrs. Brown. Ahem, so yeah Dominos continues its proud tradition of producing affordable average quality Pizza. See you in Hell Mr. Doyle

Disclosures: This game was obtained via [Delivery] and reviewed on the [Digestive Track]. Approximately [45 minuets] of play was devoted to single-player modes completed [1 time].

HIGH: The Coke

LOW: Billy Ray Cyrus not using a condom

WTF: It been two days... I've taken 4 showers... why do I still smell garlic

In no particular order

~~Dragon Age DLC~~
11th hour vs. NCIS/ NCIS plain
Fallout 3
Modern Warfare 2 vs Battle Field Bad Company 2
~~Mass Effect 2~~
~~Dragon Age:Origins Vs Rise of The Argonauts~~
Adventure Quest (Flash)
Napoleon: Total War
Diplomacy
Supernatural (possibly capsule only)
Jak and Daxter: The Last Frontier vs Jak X (soon I promise!)
Oblivion vs Dragon Age: Origins
Condemned 1 (Request by Furburt)
Okami (Will be a gentlemen review)
Metroid Prime Trilogy (Request by NuclearPenguin)
Infinite Space (Request by Souplex)

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BlumiereBleck · May 14, 2010

I LOVE IT!!! I'm sorry i didnt deliver it thou!

Plurralbles · May 14, 2010

hahaha. I loved the, "in conclusion" reference to... a grade school teacher? So much of that kind of thing was done back in the day.

ANyway, I love the new dominoes pizza.

"What can I say? Morning pizza is delicious, regardless of quality. And if you disagree then you can go tear down this wall, Mr. Gorbachev!"

... that... that was the cherry on top. Epic win, a fine review.

TheNumber1Zero · May 14, 2010

Outside of a mistake or two, and what may be either a mistake or difference in spelling, very well done.

Nice to see the "Review anything" part the site mentions getting some use.

All in all, pretty good Review as usual.
Enjoyed the part about the bread having more Garlic, it's good for the memory, unlike Ginger.
Evil cursed Ginger... Where was I? Oh yes

I felt the need to get some use out of this thing

Armored Prayer · May 14, 2010

So Dominos have finally managed to make an average pizza? Its about damn time.

Fun Fact: Dominos thin crust pizzas have least amount of calories than any other pizza.

Were was I... oh yeah the review. It was quite hilarious to read and I say to you bravo Pimpeter!

SnootyEnglishman · May 14, 2010

That's why i like going with the lesser known pizza places like Donato's and Inky's

quiet_samurai · May 14, 2010

Their new pizza is pretty tasty, but it's just so god damn greasy now.

Sassafrass · May 14, 2010

...I am now hungry.
I really must stop reading things about food at 2am.

Anyway, a good review, apart from a few spelling mistakes here and there.
And it was good to see a goofy review. It's been a while since I've seen one, well done sir.

BehattedWanderer · May 14, 2010

Lovin' it like the pizza on my stove currently makes me relate. Though, if you think Domino's has a great price, you should hope for a Little Ceasar's. $5, hot and ready, large pizza, comes in several standard flavors. Not the best, but for 5 bucks, you can't complain that it's really that awesome.

Souplex · May 14, 2010

How can you only tip 10% you dirty commie!?
Also you mispelt Reagan.

UnusualStranger · May 14, 2010

That...was beautiful.

I read it twice, just to get the full effect.

Pimppeter2 · May 14, 2010

Souplex said:
How can you only tip 10% you dirty commie!?
Also you mispelt Reagan.

Also, no I didn't. Originally it was supposed to be a joke about stupid republicans, but I guess people didn't catch on.

So now I changed it.

TheFacelessOne · May 14, 2010

Domino's, ew.

Pizza Hut's where it's at, baby!

Irridium · May 14, 2010

Great, now I'm hungry and want to try this "new" Domino's Pizza for myself, and there is no Domino's around.

DAMN YOU PIMP!

And good review.

A random person · May 14, 2010

Good review there, Pimp. Keep it up!

Of course, I won't try it myself as I'm a Papa John's fanboy for life.

Generator · May 14, 2010

Well, apparently Domino's either didn't change their smaller pizzas, or my school simply serves 3-month-old pizzas, because as far as I can tell, Domino's pizza is still only edible. Granted, it is the only edible thing served at my school, so that's a plus...

I've been meaning to get around to trying this pizza to see if it really did get any better, but thanks to your stupendously in-depth review (which, oddly enough, barely contained any mention of the actual pizza), I've no need. Thanks!

Cherry Cola · May 14, 2010

I've always wondered about why my mother bought that strange apple-shaped lamp sitting in the window. Why did she buy that?

I don't know what this "Dominos" business of yours is. There seems to be a lot of white people making the Pizzas. Ha! In Sweden we just have immigrants doing it.

It's fucking strange to walk downtown, checking out an Italian restaurant (Or dare I say... Greek restaurant?) only to find out that there's only arabs in there. WHERE ARE MY EUROPEAN CHEFS!?

Now you made me hungry for plastic love. I need to blow up my doll again.

Brad Shepard · May 14, 2010

Sad to say... i work there, hate me if you must ><

Pimpin Reviews: Dominos Pizza Turnaround >A so stupid its funny review<

Pimppeter2

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BlumiereBleck

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Plurralbles

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TheNumber1Zero

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Armored Prayer

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quiet_samurai

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Sassafrass

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BehattedWanderer

Fell off the Alligator.

Souplex

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UnusualStranger

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Pimppeter2

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Irridium

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Generator

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Cherry Cola

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Brad Shepard

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