Please help me...

[GenericUsername]

I didn't think I'd turn to the help of people online because I always try power through my problems but here I am.

Spoiler: Big depressing wall of text

Anyway, to put it bluntly: I want to kill myself. It's all I think about and recently I've been thinking which way I should do it, which will guarantee most success. I've been googling it and thinking of a way so I can be alone for a few hours to do it. Can't really do it during the day as my mum isn't back at work until next month (I did live away, but circumstances made me move back in with my mum for a it :/) so she'll most likely disturb me at one point. I've been thinking about doing it at about 10pmish then I can just go to sleep and not wake up.

I've been suffering from depression recently and I've been taking anti-depressants for it which did help quite a bit. That, teamed with the support from my boyfriend at the time, I thought I'd get through it.
We're not together any more now and it's my own stupid fucking fault. I was paranoid and clingy and thought he was going to do what everyone else has done in my life and walk out on me. I didn't want to leave him but I knew having a worthless, ugly ***** of a girlfriend like me was just awful for him and I was gonna drag him down to my level with my stupid ways eventually.

People walk out on me all the time. I get close to them and they leave without a word or a good-bye and it really fucking hurts. I understand that's why I'm the way I am now, I need attention and I need to be reassured that they love me which will drive anyone insane.
I know he can do so much better than me, he deserves someone attractive and nice who isn't a psychotic ***** and won't start arguments all the time.

But it hurts. It really fucking hurts. I've had enough failed relationships to know how bad it is and how you'll move on but it's never hurt like this. I've never wanted to kill myself after a relationship ended before.
I happily lost everything I had for him and would have left everything behind here to live with him if he asked because there is something different about him, I knew he was special and all I could think about was a future with him. That's how much I love him, I've moved away before and I know how hard it is and I'd do it again for him.

Aside from that, the quality of my life is just piss-poor. I try to believe in the "life will get better!" approach, but it just doesn't. Every day is worse than the last, within about 30 minutes of leaving my house about 3 bad things will likely happen to me and it'll just go from there.
I'm 20 and of those years I've been old enough to realise, about 85% of my life has just been shit. From being bullied to being raped to being beaten and being looked down on, then everyone I grow close to eventually leaves me. I don't have much going for me now. My boyfriend was the one who helped me keep it together and now I don't have him I don't know what I have.

I have a job that is hard to live on at a place where the customers treat you like sub-human scum and a lot of the managers have problems with you.
I don't have any friends. I have possibly two that I see occasionally who are usually too busy for me.
I never have enough money, constantly in debt.
I don't leave the house unless it's for work or to go to the shops. My day is pretty much Get up > work > home > maybe go to shops if I have to > watch TV/xbox > sleep and repeat.
I've been getting so stressed and depressed, I managed to miss a period and it looks like I'm gonna miss this months as well, I know I've gotten bad when my body makes me miss a period due to stress.

I know the fact I'm reaching out to people tells me I'm not as ready to go as I hoped. I do have people here who will be distraught if I killed myself and I know it's selfish, and i know people have it worse off than me but I just don't know what to do any more. I see nothing in my future.

TL;DR - Shitty life just keeps getting shitter.
I think life is just testing me to see if I'm strong enough to live in this world and I think I'm just failing.
I can't be strong any more. I've tried to be strong and I can't keep it up now. It's gotten so bad I see murder stories in the newspaper and I feel jealous of the victim and wish it had happened to me instead of them, that their family was being spared the pain and that I don't exactly contribute to society so I may as well be dead instead of them.

As for speaking to the doctors... I don't see much point. I asked them to help me with my physical problems like when my joints seize up and make it impossible to walk and my constant back pain. They just pretty much said "Meh... you'll be reet. You'll grow out of it."
I'm at a different doctors now so they might be better, but I can't deal with them telling me everything is fine.

Thank you for reading if you did. I'm sorry for the wall of text, this has been years worth of built up frustrations. Any help will be appreciated.

 

[ohnoitsabear]

Man, that is more shit than any one person should have to deal with. I think it's safe to say that anybody would crack under that kind of a burden. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the problem isn't you.

My main piece of advice would be to find somebody to talk to. Therapists are good, because they won't walk out on you or judge you or do anything other than try to help you, but they're not for everybody, and some are much, much better than others. If you have a good relationship with you're mom (and if you don't, I'm really, really sorry for suggesting this), try talking to her. Hell, even talking to people on the internet is far, far better than nothing.

On the subject of doctors, they are people just like everybody else. They don't know everything, and they certainly don't always know the right thing to do in every situation. That said, a lot of people are intimidated by doctors (and by a lot, I mean a vast majority) and are afraid to question what they say. Don't be one of these people. I've found that, when a doctor is saying that everything is fine, when it clearly isn't, saying something along the lines of "no, it's not fine, I cannot live like this, and if you can't help me than send me to somebody who can" usually does the trick.

Aside from that, hang in there. Not everybody in this world is a complete shitbag, and there are people that sincerely care. I really hope I was able to help, because I would hate for you to kill yourself (and I do, honestly mean that).

 

[Savo]

My main piece of advice would be to find somebody to talk to.

There's a lot of truth in that. Even if you can't tell somebody everything, just being able to talk some about the issues you're having can have a big impact.

I'd also recommend reducing your stress levels somehow. I don't know your individual situation, but would it be possible for you to get a new job? Preferably somewhere that you are treated a bit better. Also, taking up an outdoor activity, say running (or biking, which is my favorite) can be incredibly therapeutic.

As for suicide, I'd strongly recommend against it. I'm not going to be cliche and say "it gets better", but what if it would? You can't ever tell for sure what life is going to bring, good or bad, why not see it through to the end?

 

[Galletea]

Persist with your doctors. They have a few minutes to figure out if something is wrong and they get it wrong or put it down to nothing quite often. You have to keep going back and telling them that you're in pain and eventually they will either give you something or refer you for something. Again, talk to them about your depression. If you would rather not have more drugs, tell them that. Make sure they know what is going on, or they can't make a reasonable decision. You can ask them about counselling or alternatives. If nothing else they might have somewhere for you to start.

Finding someone to talk to might also be a big help. You are not the only one to have been in a similar situation and you won't be the last.

Your relationship issue will improve with time. You need to remember that not everyone is going to be a shit to you. Some people will, but that is the risk you have to take. You can't have love by being paranoid. Relationships thrive on trust, and that is something that will come to you with time, and for now I would suggest finding a few people with similar interests that you can talk to, hang out with and distract your mind for a few hours with.

Many jobs are just like yours. The managers have a load of stress on them from higher up and shit rolls downhill. The customers don't know what you're going through, if you're miserable at work, then they'll be miserable to you. It's nobody's fault, its just how people are. You need to remember that no one there has a particular problem with you. If you can, look for a new job. I think a change of environment could be good for you.
Keep at it, things will get better.