Please help, really need some advice (relationship issues warning)

SilverKyo

New member
Apr 15, 2009
211
0
0
I have no idea if this is the proper thread to post something like this, but... ugh, I just really need advice or to talk or something. (warning: there will probably be cursing)


So, to give a quick synopsis of the situation: I meet this girl recently. If not obvious yet, we really hit it off and became really close really fast. I mean I meet her almost a month ago and since then we've been talking nearly every day. We have similar humor, tastes, interests, and we have really good banter together. We both enjoy pushing each other's buttons and getting the other riled up, it's mutually fun. We have already admitted that we both like each other a lot and how we are both interested in being more then friends. Everything is great, the world is made of god damn fucking rainbows.

If it also isn't evident yet, this story has a lovely little snag.

The major issue here is that she's going to start at a college in two weeks that is about 4 hours away. It's just far enough to qualify as a "long distance" thing because of how much it would cost gas and time wise to visit and how rare those would consequently have to be. I'm already invested in the degree program at my college and have a lease for at least the next year. I kind of knew in the back of my mind the whole time that we were talking that this was there, lurking as the unspoken issue, but neither of us really wanted to talk about it. So we went with the flow, let the feelings grow, became exceptionally close, all without acknowledging the metaphorical elephant in the room.

Now her parents kind of freaked her out about going to college and forced the issue in more ways then one.

So tonight (about 3 hours ago) she opens up and tells me the truth: that she doesn't think she'd be able to do a long distance relationship and she's afraid she'd fuck it up for both of us and emotionally scar me in someway. She effectively capped wherever this relationship might have been building to.

To give a little perspective, it has been years since I've felt this crushed or broken up about a relationship in anyway, and I'm more conflicted then I've ever been in my entire fucking life.

On the one hand, I know that doing this in general has already been really hard on her. She really wishes things didn't have to end this way and feels horrible already. I tried my best to calm her down and tell her I get it and understand what she's saying, but considering the information that was dropped on me I was less then effective at that endeavor. I basically threw out a few platitudes and then bailed out the conversation because I couldn't respond to it, my hands refused to type and I had no idea what to say; my mind was on fucking lock down. There is that small rational voice in my head telling me she's right and that this whole thing will be a hassle and probably not end well. She'll be happier this way, blah blah blah. I fucking hate that particular voice but I can't really deny the logic. I've rarely heard of a long distance relationship working out, even if it is only 4 hours. In the long run this will probably be better for all parties involved and I don't want to come across as selfish or an asshole or needy or anything like that and yet...

There is a part of me that is literally screaming at me wondering what the fuck I'm doing right now. How fucking stupid do I have to be to think that letting her go like this is a good fucking idea. I think ninja doctors just came in during the night and gave me a god damn lobotomy to actually reach the conclusion that this is an acceptable outcome. It has been a really long time if ever since I've liked someone as much as I like this girl, we just clicked. Everything meshed together perfectly and everything until now has been fucking perfect and I must be psychotic to think letting her leave like this is the best course of action. I just really don't want this thing that we have between to end like this.

And it hurts. God damn it's been a long time since I've been this fucking depressed and upset about anything. I quit smoking two years ago and I've already went out to get a pack of cigarettes and smoked half of it just trying to stave off a panic attack. I thankfully had enough sense of mind to stop drinking whiskey straight from the bottle before I got anything more then buzzed, but this shit is still fucking painful and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm slipping down a hole and every second I waste is a second lost in trying to do something about this whole mess but I'm not even sure what I should do and.... UGH!

I'm trying to numb myself and my own feelings and working as hard as I can to move past it, but it just isn't working. Maybe it's because it's so fresh or something, but I kind of doubt it. I seriously have no fucking clue what to do with this and I'm trying my hardest not to panic or absolutely lose my shit. If anyone can give me any advice or perspective, it'd be really appreciated because I'm almost at my wit's end.
 

MasochisticAvenger

New member
Nov 7, 2011
331
0
0
Alright, four hours is not that long a time. Sure it's not "see each other every day" distance, but it's hardly "we'll never see each other again" distance. The reason most long distance relationships fail is because of the lack of physical connection, but you two already have that. You might be able to save up enough money to see each other once a fortnight, or something like that. It would be an effort, but if you are into each other as much as you claim, it would be worth it. Remember, this doesn't have to be a permanent arrangement.

However, you need to really ask yourself whether the relationship was mutual. It sounds like she was looking for a way out, and is using the first minor problem that arose as an excuse. I could be wrong, but it is suspicious to me she didn't talk to you about it first. She simply decided that was it for you two. If you're really into someone, you'll do whatever you can to be with them. It really does sound like she was looking for a reason to break up with you. Honestly, "I don't want to hurt you" is just a load of crap. In every relationship you have the potential to hurt the other person.

Ultimately though, you need to talk to her. Tell her how you feel, and tell her you aren't alright with the decision she has made. See what she says, because she might not realize she has already hurt you. However, if she still insists of breaking if off I'm afraid you'll simply have to move on. I know it sucks, but that is about all you can do.
 

manic_depressive13

New member
Dec 28, 2008
2,617
0
0
Look, I'm sorry but you did say you met her "almost a month ago". You haven't even known her for a month. Also, she has basically admitted that she believes she will cheat on you if you guys try for a long distance relationship. She apparently doesn't think you're worth the hassle.

I think you need to calm down and try to think clearly. My brother was in a similar situation to you a few months ago. He met a girl and they both clicked immediately. They had a lot in common and just got along really well. A few months later, their relationship disintegrated just as suddenly as it began. Like with most relationships, the little things that they barely noticed or happily ignored in the introductory period of the relationship started grating on their nerves and it fell apart. They ended it on good terms, but end it they did. I'm not saying that you and this girl will definitely lose interest in each other if you give it another month. All I'm saying is that in reality you don't know each other that well, and just because you seem to be getting along famously at the moment doesn't mean she's your soul mate or your only chance to ever be happy. The last thing either of you want to do is something drastic that may jeopardise your futures only to discover that you don't like each other that much after all.

So please take some deep breaths. I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year and while I love him and can see myself happily spending my future with him, I wouldn't freak out to the extent that you have if he were to leave me. Such things happen. It's not the end of the world.
 

Olas

Hello!
Dec 24, 2011
3,226
0
0
Scorpion's advice.



But seriously, there are other fish... like in the ocean. That's a metaphor btw.
 

MasochisticAvenger

New member
Nov 7, 2011
331
0
0
manic_depressive13 said:
Look, I'm sorry but you did say you met her "almost a month ago". You haven't even known her for a month. Also, she has basically admitted that she believes she will cheat on you if you guys try for a long distance relationship. She apparently doesn't think you're worth the hassle.

I think you need to calm down and try to think clearly. My brother was in a similar situation to you a few months ago. He met a girl and they both clicked immediately. They had a lot in common and just got along really well. A few months later, their relationship disintegrated just as suddenly as it began. Like with most relationships, the little things that they barely noticed or happily ignored in the introductory period of the relationship started grating on their nerves and it fell apart. They ended it on good terms, but end it they did. I'm not saying that you and this girl will definitely lose interest in each other if you give it another month. All I'm saying is that in reality you don't know each other that well, and just because you seem to be getting along famously at the moment doesn't mean she's your soul mate or your only chance to ever be happy. The last thing either of you want to do is something drastic that may jeopardise your futures only to discover that you don't like each other that much after all.

So please take some deep breaths. I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year and while I love him and can see myself happily spending my future with him, I wouldn't freak out to the extent that you have if he were to leave me. Such things happen. It's not the end of the world.
I totally missed the fact they'd only known each other about a month. I completely agree with everything you said, but I will add if someone is looking for a way out (like she seems to be doing) it probably means they want out.
 

Galletea

Inexplicably Awesome
Sep 27, 2008
2,877
0
0
I would suggest you talk to her, and see how she is feeling about the whole thing. You don't know if she is missing you horribly or not at this point. You could suggest giving the long distance thing a go, and see how she responds. Then you would know if you have a chance at this working or not. If nothing else you should really keep in touch. If you truly love each other then you will make it work. I know it is difficult, but it can work, and I know from experience.