Plots That Made You Say, "No, Just Stop!"

[Haunted Serenity]

'Avatar' (the James Cameron one, not the Last Airbender) when they declare: "look! The planet is fighting back!".

I get that the whole thing is supposed to be a message movie about the environment and evil corporations and blah blah blah, but Christ could you whack us over the head with it any more? That and 'unobtainium' were probably the two biggest scenes where I just put my head in my hands and said "no, stop, please'.

This and...

I think I was the only one in the theatre when this was released cheering for the humans and sad when they got crushed. They have an advanced military force and ORBITAL capabilities with satellite imagery but they have to drop the bomb from a few hundred meters up?

Plus they used about as much tactical and strategic planning as a Japanese banzai attack circa 1944. Did anyone raise there hand and say or we could do...

 

[dyre]

snip

I know the British military is has fallen several steps down from its glorious empire days, but these are the guys that fought off the entire Luftwaffe seventy years ago. I think they wouldn't have much trouble taking out two or three zeppelins...hell, I think the air defense system of Zimbabwe could probably handle that.

And, by the way, London's a pretty big place. It shook off hundreds of Luftwaffe bombers in 1940...one night of 1000 super-Nazis and two zeppelins (even with V-2s) wouldn't even destroy a tenth of the city.

 

[Happiness Assassin]

I watched Neon Genesis Evangelion on a recommendation from a friend a few years ago... I really wish I hadn't. This was like 10 years ago so I may not remember everything, so it may have gotten better with age, but as I was watching it I remember thinking, "Please just stop." I watched the first half hoping that it would get better. It had such a good premise and I found the first few episodes to be not awful. But then the later episodes really shit the bed in terms of plot. Every time I complained, my friend kept saying "It'll grow on you." Well, it didn't. I finally just said "fuck it" and powered through the last few episodes and that fucking movie, just to get him to shut the fuck up about it.

 

[rosac]

Heroes season 3. Bringing back a character to destroy him immediately, daddy issues everywhere, just... stop.

 

[Ratty]

Helsing OVA: A crazy Nazi major with a single battalion of Nazi vampires attacks modern day London via zeppelin. I almost want to say it must be trying to be some crazy commentary on the decreasing funding and power projection ability of the British military, but it's just too stupid to even be that.

The entire British military is apparently absent with no explanation, so a bunch of Nazis with Kar98s and MP40s, supported by some zeppelins with V2 rockets, manage to level the city completely unopposed. Seriously, they don't even bother trying to explain it, so 1000ish Nazis apparently managed to simultaneously hit every military installation in the region at the same time. That is, until of course the Catholic Church arrives with knights dressed in full plate armor and KKK hats carrying swords, shields, and .50 caliber sniper rifles. Also, I think they might have had some old Huey gunships.

Oh, and why does the Nazi commander want to do it? No particular reason; he just likes seeing shit blow up (and takes a half episode making a tl;dr speech about it).

Kind of a nitpick, but not really. It's not Modern Day London, Hellsing is set in 1999 as I recall. So security and stuff was more lax 15 years ago.

Even disregarding that, you're probably bringing too much logic into a story with all these supernatural elements but... the military isn't absent, they're just hopelessly outclassed by the vampires. Who are not only super human but have also been planning this complete surprise attack for over half a decade. We do see the British police and the military put up a valiant but ultimately futile fight. Sir Integra stops her car to avenge some overrun officers, who she admires for doing their duty to the bitter end. And Sir Penwood (a Vice-Admiral in the British Navy) stays at his post to keep issuing orders to any troops that might need direction, then sacrifices himself to take the Nazis with him when his command station is breached.

The Catholic Church was especially prepared to fight the vampires and ghouls on what they styled as a "crusade", thus the silly crusader costumes everyone but the 300 members of Section XIII wore. The assault was really a power play by Enrico Maxwell. An attempt to "retake" London from the the heretics in the Church of England under the guise of aid during the attack. It didn't work out too well for him.

Lastly the Major's motives are a little muddled, and I don't think he's completely forthright with his troops. But it's pretty clear by the end of the story that Millennium does what it does in an attempt to die fighting as they're sick of existing as forgotten relics without a purpose. And in the process they want to destroy the only adversary whom they see as worthy of them, Alucard.

snip

I know the British military is has fallen several steps down from its glorious empire days, but these are the guys that fought off the entire Luftwaffe seventy years ago. I think they wouldn't have much trouble taking out two or three zeppelins...hell, I think the air defense system of Zimbabwe could probably handle that.

And, by the way, London's a pretty big place. It shook off hundreds of Luftwaffe bombers in 1940...one night of 1000 super-Nazis and two zeppelins (even with V-2s) wouldn't even destroy a tenth of the city.

It wasn't just the 1000 Nazi-vampires, they effectively unleashed a zombie plague on the city. All of the initial victims turned into ghouls, who in turn wreaked havoc and created more ghouls. The Last Battalion's soldiers were designed to maximize the creation of ghouls. As is noted early in the series even virgin victims, who would normally turn into vampires themselves, turned into ghouls when attacked by such artificially created vampires.

 

[dyre]

snip

Hey, I appreciate your spirited defense of the show, but at this point you'll have to forgive me for not wanting to get involved in any more of these arguments. Let's just say that the British military in 1999 consisted of more than a single aircraft carrier, two jet fighters, a dozen military police. Not to mention the loss of an aircraft carrier would have put the military on high alert. The zeppelins wouldn't have made it 10 miles inland before getting blown out of the sky by Tornado ADVs.

Also, crusaders didn't look like that, and using swords and shields because the crusaders did is...yeah. Not to mention thinking they could take London with a few thousand people, and withstand the British counterattack?

 

[Ratty]

snip

Hey, I appreciate your spirited defense of the show, but at this point you'll have to forgive me for not wanting to get involved in any more of these arguments. Let's just say that the British military in 1999 consisted of more than a single aircraft carrier, two jet fighters, a dozen military police. Not to mention the loss of an aircraft carrier would have put the military on high alert. The zeppelins wouldn't have made it 10 miles inland before getting blown out of the sky by Tornado ADVs.

I'm sure one could make excuses about Millennium infiltrating security at multiple levels (like we see them do on the Adler)[footnote]

Spoiler

They do have Walter sitting in on the round table conferences and gathering intel for them after all.

[/footnote] And now that I think about it I seem to recall there might have been a throwaway line indicating this did happen. But I don't think we're honestly meant to think about it too hard.

I mean, it is at it's core just a silly "Who would win between Dracula and Nazi Vampires?[footnote]"Oh and let's offended as many Catholics and Anglicans as possible hehe."[/footnote]" story. And I love it mostly as a kind of awe-ing achievement in the art of exploitation. But it does have cool layers of subtext and plot that a lot of people, even fans, seem to miss.

Goofy premise aside I don't think most people give Hellsing credit by recognizing that, usually, when the story is dumb it's because of a conscious decision to go with the rule of cool. Rather than because Hirano is pulling a Micheal Bay or Paul Anderson and assuming the audience is incredibly stupid and won't notice.

PS- Yeah the armor is ultimately just an over-the-top visual touch, it's one of those things I don't think you're meant to take too seriously. I mean, Maxwell is flown over London in a helicopter-carried Popemobile. It's intentional camp and satire. Contrasting the Church's supposed message with its history of violence and conflating it with the KKK. Story-wise the ill-conceived plan was to let Millennium wipe out almost everyone, then come in and mop up the mess and declare victory.

 

[dyre]

I'm sure one could make excuses about Millennium infiltrating security at multiple levels (like we see them do on the Adler) but I don't think we're honestly meant to think about it that hard.
I mean, it is at it's core just a silly "Who would win between Dracula and Nazi Vampires?[footnote]"Oh and let's offended as many Catholics and Anglicans as possible hehe."[/footnote]" story. And I love it mostly as a kind of awe-ing achievement in the art of exploitation. But it does have cool layers of subtext and even plot that a lot of people, even fans, seem to miss.

Goofy premise aside I don't think most people give Hellsing credit by recognizing that, usually, when the story is dumb it's because of a conscious decision to go with the rule of cool. Rather than because Hirano is pulling a Micheal Bay or Paul Anderson and assuming the audience is incredibly stupid and won't notice.

PS- Yeah the armor is just an over-the-top visual touch, it's one of those things I don't think you're meant to take too seriously. I mean, Maxwell is flown over London in a helicopter-carried Popemobile. Presumably the ill-conceived plan was to have Millennium wipe out almost everyone, then come in and mop up the mess and declare victory.

Man, spoiler tags inside footnote tags...that's some complicated shit! >_>

Err, anyway, I understand the rule of cool...it's what fuels most Tarantino movies. But Tarantino movies also make a moderate degree of sense, and more importantly employ charm and wit to add to the "coolness." Helsing...not so much. It certainly has a lot of over the top violence, but in terms of stupidity:coolness ratio, it's a pretty inferior example of the exploitation genre. Obviously your mileage may vary, but at least personally I would've gotten more mileage out of a Hummer H2. With even a mediocre writer, it would have been easy to elevate the story from "utter stupidity" to "passable" without sacrificing "coolness." As it stands, I've seen better stories in porn than in Helsing.

I don't know why they even involved the Catholic Church or Britain, because whatever it was I saw on screen, it had nothing to do with the Catholic Church or Britain. Heck, even the Bible quotes were made up. Not to mention the Catholics are on relatively good terms with the Anglicans, compared to their relationship with other Protestant groups...the Anglicans are pretty much Catholics under a Protestant banner, after all.

Honestly, I would put Hirano in the same category of Michael Bay, though that sounds harsher than I actually mean it to be because I think people give Michael Bay more shit than he deserves. Both Helsing and Transformers have terrible, ridiculous plots, with the attempt to make up for it with lots of shit blowing up. Though I will say Helsing had some more interesting characters.

 

[Ratty]

Man, spoiler tags inside footnote tags...that's some complicated shit! >_>

Err, anyway, I understand the rule of cool...it's what fuels most Tarantino movies. But Tarantino movies also make a moderate degree of sense, and more importantly employ charm and wit to add to the "coolness." Helsing...not so much. It certainly has a lot of over the top violence, but in terms of stupidity:coolness ratio, it's a pretty inferior example of the exploitation genre. Obviously your mileage may vary, but at least personally I would've gotten more mileage out of a Hummer H2. With even a mediocre writer, it would have been easy to elevate the story from "utter stupidity" to "passable" without sacrificing "coolness." As it stands, I've seen better stories in porn than in Helsing.

I don't know why they even involved the Catholic Church or Britain, because whatever it was I saw on screen, it had nothing to do with the Catholic Church or Britain. Heck, even the Bible quotes were made up. Not to mention the Catholics are on relatively good terms with the Anglicans, compared to their relationship with other Protestant groups...the Anglicans are pretty much Catholics under a Protestant banner, after all.

Honestly, I would put Hirano in the same category of Michael Bay, though that sounds harsher than I actually mean it to be because I think people give Michael Bay more shit than he deserves. Both Helsing and Transformers have terrible, ridiculous plots, with the attempt to make up for it with lots of shit blowing up. Though I will say Helsing had some more interesting characters.

Like I said I think the story, character motivations and sometimes even symbolism is more well thought-out than most people give it credit for. In a very cheesy, over-the-top way the series comments on evils of various institutions, both religious and governmental. When it's not just being goofy that is.

But I respect your opinion. It's definitely not a series for everyone and the "coolness factor" is as always a matter of opinion and taste.[footnote]For example the "coolness" in Tarantino films doesn't actually gel with me usually, just coming off as a copy of stuff I've seen done from the 70s. So I don't enjoy his work as much as most of my peers seem to.[/footnote] Just something you either "get" or you don't. A lot of my enjoyment is derived from the portrayal of Dracula, it's a very refreshing take on the character imo. Since the history of the character in adaptations has been a long slow process of turning him into Lord Ruthven, then into a sympathetic anti-hero. It's nice to see a Dracula who is just unapologetically and enthusiastically evil. And who's primary motive in un-life is apparently seeking a relief from his eternal boredom.

 

[Isra]

Diablo 3, Deckard Cain dying to a butterfly demon. After that point I really gave up on the D3 story. Then killing off the other new main story character at the end. That ensured me they did not care.

This and the constant video messages from the bosses. Ah I'm so puny and weak and you're going to kill me and I have no hope of winning. Yeah, yeah, OK. But where the fuck did you get Skype from? Why are you revealing your evil plans to me? I thought you were supposed to be the masterminds of the forces of hell. Why the fuck are you talking to me at all?

Just. Fucking. Stop.

The plot is SO bad. I mean Diablo never had a very complex plot but at least it wasn't blatantly awful and corny. I felt like I was up against a Saturday morning cartoon villian.

 

[sageoftruth]

/deleted/

 

[sageoftruth]

Persona 2.

Spoiler: This is pretty spoilery, but honestly, I've only pieced this together from the two or three things that make sense in the plot.

In a modern Japanese town, a group of teenagers learn that all rumours and coming true, and people are slowly beginning to disapear - not die, or even go missing - but slowly start becoming invisible, unnoticeable, simply being forgotten, ceasing their very existence, or the fact they ever existed. Good premise, right? Then it quickly cuts to a LETS POSITIVE THINKING DESU and pulls an Indigo Prophecy.

It turns out what's causing the whole malarky is a set of mystical skulls made by the Mayans, said discovery being made by a teacher at the main character's school who learned this from a psychic child who is now a serial killer and has the same name as you except there's a "Do" in there instead of a "Tsu" or something, and Nyarlaphotep is actually behind it, except he's not, the whole thing manifested from the fact that all of the main character's (except, like, one, and the only bearable one. Y'know, the girl who wears pants?) daddy issues, and the final boss in Animu Hitler weilding the Spear of Lognisus, the spear that was stabbed into Jesus's hip, thus killing a main character, and a big damn Deus Ex Machine happening and resetting everything.

And they all lived happily ever deux ex machina.

I hope it's not too jarring. I just got the game on PSN. Don't worry. I didn't read the spoiler.

 

[soren7550]

I can think of two from some crap books.

Eona - Ok, so the book for the most part was fine I suppose, but it got ass-tarted when it introduced one of, if not *the* dumbest love triangles ever. The two 'beaus' our heroine gets to choose from? The exiled new emperor who's pretty psychotic and loses his shit at the drop of a hat, and the guy from her order that killed her mentor, killed everyone in her order, drove her friend/his pupil to madness (and possible possession), enabled the overthrow and murder of the previous ruler and most of his family, and was going to take over her mind & keep her as a sex slave.

The End - The plot sounded promising enough (an EMP attack cripples the continental United States, survival ensues), but it made me throw the book across the room several times due to the high number of times it feels the need to explain what an EMP is, how unlikeable all the protagonists are, and how utterly inconceivable these people's actions are (the Marines all up and defect, kill the few that don't, and decide to take over a chunk of the U.S. to create [I shit you not] their own warrior's country; the new president decides to nuke every country the U.S. doesn't like because hey, one of them was bound to be responsible for the EMP attack; the main guy just ups and shoots most everyone that inconveniences him; everyone that aren't the main protagonists are portrayed as utterly incompetent, as they spend days after the EMP attack, standing around waiting for the power to come back on even though most nothing works and they've seen planes fall out of the sky).

 

[cojo965]

I can think of two from some crap books.

Eona - Ok, so the book for the most part was fine I suppose, but it got ass-tarted when it introduced one of, if not *the* dumbest love triangles ever. The two 'beaus' our heroine gets to choose from? The exiled new emperor who's pretty psychotic and loses his shit at the drop of a hat, and the guy from her order that killed her mentor, killed everyone in her order, drove her friend/his pupil to madness (and possible possession), enabled the overthrow and murder of the previous ruler and most of his family, and was going to take over her mind & keep her as a sex slave.

The End - The plot sounded promising enough (an EMP attack cripples the continental United States, survival ensues), but it made me throw the book across the room several times due to the high number of times it feels the need to explain what an EMP is, how unlikeable all the protagonists are, and how utterly inconceivable these people's actions are (the Marines all up and defect, kill the few that don't, and decide to take over a chunk of the U.S. to create [I shit you not] their own warrior's country; the new president decides to nuke every country the U.S. doesn't like because hey, one of them was bound to be responsible for the EMP attack; the main guy just ups and shoots most everyone that inconveniences him; everyone that aren't the main protagonists are portrayed as utterly incompetent, as they spend days after the EMP attack, standing around waiting for the power to come back on even though most nothing works and they've seen planes fall out of the sky).

That first one, WHAT! THAT TRIANGLE DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE! What reasons did the writer give to feebly try to justify, "no really this is a totally believable love triangle."

New example from me. Any time a plot claims "anyone can die"
Right, gonna hafta stop you there, what reason is there to care about anyone then? Attack on Titan proved that to me in episode 5 when like six named characters are killed in the span of three minutes. I'm not a writer (save for that time in high school) but wouldn't it be better to stagger it out a bit to make the deaths carry more weight? I haven't watched Game of Thrones in a long time but that's how you do it properly. When Sean Bean died, (OH THIS ISN'T A SPOILER IT'S SEAN BEAN! How often he seems to play characters who die is a running joke) it carried a lot of weight because it was at the end of a season. Okay I don't mean stagger it out that much all the time, just gradually kill characters with some pacing.

 

[soren7550]

I can think of two from some crap books.

Eona - Ok, so the book for the most part was fine I suppose, but it got ass-tarted when it introduced one of, if not *the* dumbest love triangles ever. The two 'beaus' our heroine gets to choose from? The exiled new emperor who's pretty psychotic and loses his shit at the drop of a hat, and the guy from her order that killed her mentor, killed everyone in her order, drove her friend/his pupil to madness (and possible possession), enabled the overthrow and murder of the previous ruler and most of his family, and was going to take over her mind & keep her as a sex slave.

That first one, WHAT! THAT TRIANGLE DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE! What reasons did the writer give to feebly try to justify, "no really this is a totally believable love triangle."

From what I can remember? It's because the exiled new emperor is handsome and when he's not psychotic he's kinda OK (even appoints the titular character as an adviser of sorts), and it turns out the other guy is handsome too! That's about it.

 

[cojo965]

I can think of two from some crap books.

Eona - Ok, so the book for the most part was fine I suppose, but it got ass-tarted when it introduced one of, if not *the* dumbest love triangles ever. The two 'beaus' our heroine gets to choose from? The exiled new emperor who's pretty psychotic and loses his shit at the drop of a hat, and the guy from her order that killed her mentor, killed everyone in her order, drove her friend/his pupil to madness (and possible possession), enabled the overthrow and murder of the previous ruler and most of his family, and was going to take over her mind & keep her as a sex slave.

That first one, WHAT! THAT TRIANGLE DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE! What reasons did the writer give to feebly try to justify, "no really this is a totally believable love triangle."

From what I can remember? It's because the exiled new emperor is handsome and when he's not psychotic he's kinda OK (even appoints the titular character as an adviser of sorts), and it turns out the other guy is handsome too! That's about it.

Oh, so in other words he didn't even try.

captcha: I love deadlines, no, no I do not captcha.

 

[soren7550]

I can think of two from some crap books.

Eona - Ok, so the book for the most part was fine I suppose, but it got ass-tarted when it introduced one of, if not *the* dumbest love triangles ever. The two 'beaus' our heroine gets to choose from? The exiled new emperor who's pretty psychotic and loses his shit at the drop of a hat, and the guy from her order that killed her mentor, killed everyone in her order, drove her friend/his pupil to madness (and possible possession), enabled the overthrow and murder of the previous ruler and most of his family, and was going to take over her mind & keep her as a sex slave.

That first one, WHAT! THAT TRIANGLE DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE! What reasons did the writer give to feebly try to justify, "no really this is a totally believable love triangle."

From what I can remember? It's because the exiled new emperor is handsome and when he's not psychotic he's kinda OK (even appoints the titular character as an adviser of sorts), and it turns out the other guy is handsome too! That's about it.

Oh, so in other words he didn't even try.

captcha: I love deadlines, no, no I do not captcha.

Well, he did 'justify' himself (for killing the members of their order anyway) by saying some bullcrap about how it was for the greater good or some shit.

 

[Fredvdp]

Spoiler

That is supposed to be a baby cradled in a womb?

A fetus. Might be a little controversial for the player to be shooting a giant fetus, but the design they eventually went with was a bit too silly.

 

[CrazyGirl17]

Lost, which never got me interested, because it's too... out there. I always preferred Heroes (the first season anyway, before the Writer's Strike went and messed everything up. Thanks for fucking nothing, Writer's Guild of America).

Also, Twilight for being absolutely stupid), Avatar for being preachy and cliche, and the ending of Mass Effect 3 - for obvious reasons (if that counts).

Finally, Rebuild of Evengelion 3.33, while having some interesting ideas, just didn't explain much of what was going on... and the deplorable treatment of poor Shinji by the other characters really didn't help.

 

[spartandude]

Stories involving "Evolutionary levels" in any sense due to how thoroughly they bastardize the very concept they're based upon. I let Pokémon slide due to 'evolving' clearly being a poor choice of wording more than anything else (The more accurate term being metamorphosis, a conspicuous and rather abrupt change in an organism as a part of their life cycle), but other than that...*shudder*. To my memory, the single worst offender was likely the Star Trek: Voyager episode "Threshold"...which really has more problems in it than I'd care to go into and which have been noted probably a thousand times before me.

I was also going to say this. Another example of it would be Halo 4, felt actual pain when the Librarian talked about the next stage of human evolution.