Poetry

[Levitas1234]

I was wondering what the escapist thinks about this poem

Burning fire without desire
This life I live has no meaning
where do our lives lead
Why must money go to the geed rather than those in need

Bitter hatred for society
Granting it's own notoriety
Silly ideals are such a pity
Hatred engulfs city after city

what keeps us living for corporations
is it love that gives us motivation
We live and die just for one?
Ignorant to how there's none

 

[Crowser]

Sounds a bit forced but still much better than anything I could do; love English but poetry is really not my thing.

Best poem I've ever read was by Robinson Jeffers - Fire on the Hills

The deer were bounding like blown leaves
Under the smoke in front the roaring wave of the brush-fire;
I thought of the smaller lives that were caught.
Beauty is not always lovely; the fire was beautiful, the terror
Of the deer was beautiful; and when I returned
Down the back slopes after the fire had gone by, an eagle
Was perched on the jag of a burnt pine,
Insolent and gorged, cloaked in the folded storms of his shoulders
He had come from far off for the good hunting
With fire for his beater to drive the game; the sky was merciless
Blue, and the hills merciless black,
The sombre-feathered great bird sleepily merciless between them.
I thought, painfully, but the whole mind,
The destruction that brings an eagle from heaven is better than men.

 

[Verex]

The meaning is clear, but the wording feels choppy.

 

[iLikeHippos]

Poems are meant to make you think about the meaning. If it is about society, don't go out and say it directly.

You have to work around it. For example you speak of how the poor, defenseless flower gets pounded into the dirt by the unmovable giant who wouldn't give a rats ass where he steps, as long as he moves forward.
And that no one can stop him, since there are only flowers in the field.

That's how you do it.

Other than that, you might have something going on there. I just found trouble in how obvious it was. It's not meant to be.

 

[Ensiferum]

Right. The key thing to remember is "show don't tell."

 

[YouCallMeNighthawk]

They tried to teach me poetry in english, never really grasped the idea of it.

But was pretty good even with my lack of knowledge of poetry.

 

[insaneHoshi]

bit emo says i and cliché says i. and your rhyming scheme is a bit poor

 

[yamitami]

Have you read it out loud to yourself a few times? That's the easiest way to figure out where the awkward wording is. I'm also a little distracted by that one longer line since all of the other lines are pretty much the same length. You have to go all the way: either they're all the same length or they're all different lengths. Also it rhymes. You can have different lengths when the poem doesn't rhyme but when it does rhythm is expected.

However these are not glaring faults, it reads clunkily but that's just a matter of practice. Much better than most internet poetry I've seen in which little hope can be seen for anything decent ever emerging from that author.

As for the subject I have to agree with Hoshi on cliche, though there's nothing specifically wrong with a cliche in the same way there's nothing wrong with any single cookie in a box of Thin Mints. It's not necessarily bad; it's just not unique. And a tad emo. Writing what is basically a complaining poem without coming off as emo is another thing that takes practice. You just need a little less melodrama.

 

[Omikron009]

It isn't great. It's....trying too hard. In every way.

 

[Stranger of Sorts]

I've never written poetry before so I can't really comment, allthough (guess what!) I just patched one together in 30 seconds


Drifting, seeing, disbelieving,
Take your eyes off of the floor.
Tell everyone how you hate it,
But you?ll still come back for more.

Why are we expected
To drink coffee and converse.
It doesn?t prepare us for anything
Least for that ride in the hearse.

Drifting, seeing, disbelieving,
Go and walk outside.
Show yourself to all
It?s only from death you hide.

What do you think? It's rubbish isn't it.

 

[Kimarous]

I've written various poems in the past, but I want to save of them for later publication (one of which is actually a multi-part ballad that ties into my book series in progress). Sorry, but I don't have any samples to provide as a result.