Poll: Cheating in relationships

[Fetzenfisch]

I dont know if one of my exes cheated on me, there are 2 of them where it could be possible, but i dont really care for our relationships werent that serious. When i was single it happened that i made someone cheat on her boyfriend, which was ok for me as long as i didnt knew/ or liked the guy. Then one time i had 2 gfs simultanously. Not for long though. I broke up with the old one a week after i got the new.
Yeah i had a wild time in my teen- and early twenyears.
when it comes to my relationship at the time, the first that lasts that long, 3 years till now (thats 2 years and 9 month more than usual) i never even thought about it really and i trust her completely, we often dont see each other for a few days, sometimes a year for 2 weeks when we are around for work, with friends, on vacation. We both probably would have masses of opportunities, but i just got the feeling that this works, so i dont worry at all. for if you do not trust your partner, you have no reason to be in a relationship.

 

[DAPLR]

Cheating is one of the ultimate forms of showing your partner,

'I care more about myself than you. So much so, I won't even break up with you before sleeping witth someone else, so when I do, you will be both heartbroken AND humiliated'

Faithful people deserve better...

 

[artanis_neravar]

You are not alone there, I have never been cheated on (nor have I cheated) but I always have that nagging doubt, although I'm pretty sure mine stems from my low self-esteem.

Also have you ever considered telling her fiance? Not trying to tell you what to do, just curious if you have thought about it.

Absolutely, but it isn't my place. She isn't exactly doing her best to hide anything, and he isn't naive.

He's trapped, and I've discussed his predicament many times with her, because I've been there with her myself.

He loves her, and that's obvious. But he's in this hard spot where if he doesn't say anything, it looks like he doesn't care, so she'll continue doing what she's doing. But if he says something, then she'll play the "you can't control me" card and continue doing what she wants anyway. It's lose-lose for him, and she knows it.

I think he's too afraid of change to say anything to her. They just bought a house(in his name), and I think he'd rather share her than not be with her at all.

Interesting, I never actually considered that as an option when being cheated on, now I'm not sure what I would do.

 

[artanis_neravar]

Cheating is one of the ultimate forms of showing your partner,

'I care more about myself than you. So much so, I won't even break up with you before sleeping witth someone else, so when I do, you will be both heartbroken AND humiliated'

Faithful people deserve better...

The only more ultimate form of showing that is breaking up with your partner right after finding out they have a life threatening illness that will kill them soon

 

[NinjaDeathSlap]

I was cheated on, and have never cheated. I dated my best friend and she cheated. We broke up, but we're still extremely close. And shes currently cheating on her fiance.

I'd say that her reason for cheating is simply boredom. She gets bored when the relationship has moved past that "new" stage where you're still learning about each other. I think that she's also afraid of the things and people she could be missing. And she's never satisfied. She'll never find some one absolutely perfect, so when she finds something about the person she's with that she just can't stand, she finds someone else that doesn't have that trait.

Then there's stability. She's out having her fling. She's enjoying life with no strings attached, but still has that stable relationship to return to(for now).

And yes, I do expect my partner to be faithful. I need to be able to trust them. What do we have if we don't have trust?

She effectively ruined my chances of having a healthy relationship. I haven't dated since(it's been about 5-6 years) and I likely never will, because I'll always have that nagging suspicion and never be able to fully trust my partner, and trust is required for a relationship to work properly. The thought of having to deal with that puts me off relationships. It's a shame, because I miss the closeness.

I'm going to suggest something you may not like, so feel free to tell me to mind my own business if the idea doesn't appeal to you...

Cut your ex out of your life. She may be your best friend, but I think it's having her around that is causing your problem. Her being so constantly in your life is a constant reminder of what she did to you, especially if she's now continuing to cheat on other people and letting you know about it. IMO you're never going to be able to trust a girl again while she's around persistently reminding you why you don't. It may hurt her, it may hurt you, but is staying friends with her worth you spending the rest of your life alone, and having to watch her cheat on every man she involves herself with? At the end of the day, you've got to do what's best for you.

 

[DelphiSantano]

I've neither cheated or been cheated on, but in my last relationship it would have been less painful if she had cheated, the amount of shit she put me through in the 6 months or so before we broke up.

 

[pirate64]

I haven't cheated (and never will) or been cheated on (touch wood)
but something you forgot to add an option for is having someone cheat on their partner with you.
I once had a rather drunken one night stand (not one of my proudest moments) with a girl that I at the time believed to have been single. It was only two days later that I found out that she in fact had been in a relationship.
I don't know why she cheated on him, it could have simply been the booze.
If I had known I wouldn't have done anything with her and she didn't say anything before or afterwards.

I don't really understand why people cheat if I'm honest, if your not happy in a relationship then end it, don't keep it going whilst sleeping around behind their backs. And if you are still happy in your relationship then cheating is simply a betrayal of your partner's trust in you and if you find yourself able to do it then you don't deserve them as it's clear to see that you don't care about their feelings and are simply not mature enough to have a relationship.

 

[-Samurai-]

I was cheated on, and have never cheated. I dated my best friend and she cheated. We broke up, but we're still extremely close. And shes currently cheating on her fiance.

I'd say that her reason for cheating is simply boredom. She gets bored when the relationship has moved past that "new" stage where you're still learning about each other. I think that she's also afraid of the things and people she could be missing. And she's never satisfied. She'll never find some one absolutely perfect, so when she finds something about the person she's with that she just can't stand, she finds someone else that doesn't have that trait.

Then there's stability. She's out having her fling. She's enjoying life with no strings attached, but still has that stable relationship to return to(for now).

And yes, I do expect my partner to be faithful. I need to be able to trust them. What do we have if we don't have trust?

She effectively ruined my chances of having a healthy relationship. I haven't dated since(it's been about 5-6 years) and I likely never will, because I'll always have that nagging suspicion and never be able to fully trust my partner, and trust is required for a relationship to work properly. The thought of having to deal with that puts me off relationships. It's a shame, because I miss the closeness.

I'm going to suggest something you may not like, so feel free to tell me to mind my own business if the idea doesn't appeal to you...

Cut your ex out of your life. She may be your best friend, but I think it's having her around that is causing your problem. Her being so constantly in your life is a constant reminder of what she did to you, especially if she's now continuing to cheat on other people and letting you know about it. IMO you're never going to be able to trust a girl again while she's around persistently reminding you why you don't. It may hurt her, it may hurt you, but is staying friends with her worth you spending the rest of your life alone, and having to watch her cheat on every man she involves herself with? At the end of the day, you've got to do what's best for you.

Definitely thought about it. After our breakup, we didn't speak for a little over a year, and it was indeed a pretty horrible year. She's been my best friend for over 10 years now. It's hard to cut ties with someone so deeply rooted into your life. It'd be like losing one of my brothers.

It's hard to explain, but I know that shes not the problem. I know that not everyone will cheat, and I think it's only human nature to be suspicious. But sometimes the fear of the suspicion is enough to make you think twice about becoming emotionally invested in another person.

It's very hard for me to articulate my feelings and thoughts on the subject of relationships because my stance varies and contradicts itself so many different ways. Some days I love being single, and I can't wait to get home to my empty apartment and do my own thing. Some days I want to come home to someone and just be around someone.

I honestly think that what I need to do is make some new friends. Hell, I haven't done that since freshman year 10 years ago.

 

[Avatar Roku]

snip

That's a very interesting relationship/set of relationships you have there. I would never want that for myself, but so long as all 3 participants are aware, I see no harm, and power to you for making a non-traditional structure work.

Personally, I am in a monogamous relationship, where I am not cheating and I am 99.999% sure she isn't either (never can be 100% sure, I suppose, but I am as close as humanly possible), and I am loving it. I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

[Ickorus]

I've been cheated on by two different girls.

The first girl cheated on me with a guy I thought was my friend, me and her broke up, I haven't seen the guy since though i'd break his face if I did. It took me four years before I could forgive her and before we spoke again, we are now friends and if she were ever single again i'd probably ask her out*, we've both changed a lot. (No, im not that wierd guy that's only friends with her in the hopes she'll ask me out)

The second girl was sort of a rebound thing from the first, she said she loved me and I couldn't help but reciprocate, I was like a lost lamb. She was always the sort who couldn't stick to just one guy and she was extremely damaged goods when we first began dating, cutting herself, drinking, and taking drugs; it took a while but I did eventually help her stop all of that.

She cheated on me several times over the span of our relationship and each time I would forgive her because I just didn't want to be alone again. We still talk occationally but we aren't really good friends any more.

From just the first experience I know I would never put another person through that sort of pain.

[small]* She's dating another guy at the moment, not the asshole that broke us up initially, oh and this guy seems nice, quite like me funnily enough.[/small]

 

[The Unworthy Gentleman]

I have been cheated on, I think I have anyway. Apparently my girlfriend was with someone else when she was with me but she said she had already ended it but the other girl didn't want to end it and I really didn't care so I never really listened.

I don't like to have my options closed though, so I prefer to be in a relationship where I can cheat and not be punished for it. However, by other principles that I hold I wouldn't cheat, or so I think.

 

[FFHAuthor]

I've seen a lot of mentions on the internet of people being cheated on in relationships, to the point where it seems more the rule than the exception. So I wanted to find out if it really is so, or if maybe it's just that the cheated ones are more vocal about it, especially on the internet where anonymity provides a nice shield.

In my personal experience, including those of my own friends and family, cheating is not very common at all. But I come from a culture where premarital sex itself is pretty taboo still, so that could account for the lack of cheating or the lack of anecdotal evidence at any rate.

Regardless, I'm curious to find out if cheating really is all so common in the western (or maybe the more sexually open?) world which seems to be pretty well represented in this forum. So here's a poll for you all to answer, anonymous, of course.

If cheating is common, I'm curious to know why this is so. Is it as simple as people having a lack of self control? That explanation couldn't account for all cases or even most cases, could it?

I know there's a school of thought that assumes/asserts that human beings as a species are not meant to be monogamous and that the forced monogamy prevalent in society forces people into cheating. To those who agree with this view, are you or have you at any time been in a monogamous relationship? Do/Did you then expect your partner to be faithful to you?

And to those of you who have been cheated on, were you able to forgive and forget and carry on a relationship with that person again? How did you bring yourself to do it?

Personally, I cannot imagine being able to sustain a relationship when once trust has been broken. But maybe I'm just a particularly unforgiving person. Plus I've never been cheated on or cheated on someone, so I'm really just speculating about this.

I would like to know other people's take on this though, and hence this thread. Feel free to share, speculate, discuss, whatever.

Question, are we talking about strictly physical cheating or is emotionally cheating on your partner included as well?

 

[SovietSecrets]

Never cheated, been cheated on. Forgave her but the relationship ended.

 

[NinjaDeathSlap]

I was cheated on, and have never cheated. I dated my best friend and she cheated. We broke up, but we're still extremely close. And shes currently cheating on her fiance.

I'd say that her reason for cheating is simply boredom. She gets bored when the relationship has moved past that "new" stage where you're still learning about each other. I think that she's also afraid of the things and people she could be missing. And she's never satisfied. She'll never find some one absolutely perfect, so when she finds something about the person she's with that she just can't stand, she finds someone else that doesn't have that trait.

Then there's stability. She's out having her fling. She's enjoying life with no strings attached, but still has that stable relationship to return to(for now).

And yes, I do expect my partner to be faithful. I need to be able to trust them. What do we have if we don't have trust?

She effectively ruined my chances of having a healthy relationship. I haven't dated since(it's been about 5-6 years) and I likely never will, because I'll always have that nagging suspicion and never be able to fully trust my partner, and trust is required for a relationship to work properly. The thought of having to deal with that puts me off relationships. It's a shame, because I miss the closeness.

I'm going to suggest something you may not like, so feel free to tell me to mind my own business if the idea doesn't appeal to you...

Cut your ex out of your life. She may be your best friend, but I think it's having her around that is causing your problem. Her being so constantly in your life is a constant reminder of what she did to you, especially if she's now continuing to cheat on other people and letting you know about it. IMO you're never going to be able to trust a girl again while she's around persistently reminding you why you don't. It may hurt her, it may hurt you, but is staying friends with her worth you spending the rest of your life alone, and having to watch her cheat on every man she involves herself with? At the end of the day, you've got to do what's best for you.

Definitely thought about it. After our breakup, we didn't speak for a little over a year, and it was indeed a pretty horrible year. She's been my best friend for over 10 years now. It's hard to cut ties with someone so deeply rooted into your life. It'd be like losing one of my brothers.

It's hard to explain, but I know that shes not the problem. I know that not everyone will cheat, and I think it's only human nature to be suspicious. But sometimes the fear of the suspicion is enough to make you think twice about becoming emotionally invested in another person.

It's very hard for me to articulate my feelings and thoughts on the subject of relationships because my stance varies and contradicts itself so many different ways. Some days I love being single, and I can't wait to get home to my empty apartment and do my own thing. Some days I want to come home to someone and just be around someone.

I honestly think that what I need to do is make some new friends. Hell, I haven't done that since freshman year 10 years ago.

I know it's not everyone's thing but if I were you I'd probably be looking to go down the path of 'casual sex' rather than a committed relationship. Even if you only find it fulfilling on a short term level it could be useful. It could work as a confidence builder and help you towards getting back in the game without all the fear and insecurity. It could also help clear your head of all the emotional stress that must have been building up inside you for the past few years and help you to realise what you really want.

Trust me, I know how hard it is to get back up again after you've fallen so hard. But you HAVE to find a way to stop it from getting in the way of future relationship prospects, otherwise you become your own self fulfilling prophecy. You need to make a change to your current state, whether it's a new relationship, just a casual thing to serve as a confidence booster, or just SOMETHING to help you figure out what on earth it is that you really want.

The relationship I had after my most serious one to date ended was an open one, where we were both clear from the start that sex with other people was acceptable. I had never thought I could be comfortable in that kind of arrangement but y'know what, at that time in my life it suited me just fine. It was fun to experience something new and there was no paranoia as a new exactly where I stood.

 

[Trololo Punk]

I've only been in one relationship, and did not cheat on her nor was was I cheated on, ended when i moved away...

 

[artanis_neravar]

Actually no that I think of it I might have been cheated on> My gf at the time was very into to texting when we were apart we talked a lot through texting. At one point I sent her a message asking something along the lines of what's up, and she told me she was at her (guy) friends house. I was fine with it and just said oh ok I don't want to take you away from your friends, I'll talk to you later, have fun. She immediately accused me of being jealous and how I have to trust her and stop being jealous, despite my telling her that i was indeed not jealous. It didn't really occur to me until recently that it could have been her guilty conscience projecting on to me

 

[Sniper Team 4]

I've never been cheated on, and I've only had one girlfriend my entire life. I was so thrilled with her that the thought of cheating on her never crossed my mind. Then she broke up with me--but that's not the point of this thread, is it?

Anyway, I really don't think I'd be able to stay with a girl that cheated on me. I would not be able to trust her again. Every time she was late, or canceled a date, or said she had plans, the thought would creep up in my mind, "Is she doing it again?" That is no way to run a relationship, and would only end up destroying it in the end.

 

[iphonerose]

49.2% 'have neither cheated nor been cheated on'??? The option should be rephrased 'I have neither cheated nor been cheated on, that I am aware'. That figure couldn't be accurate, could it?

 

[minnull]

I've seen a lot of mentions on the internet of people being cheated on in relationships, to the point where it seems more the rule than the exception. So I wanted to find out if it really is so, or if maybe it's just that the cheated ones are more vocal about it, especially on the internet where anonymity provides a nice shield.

In my personal experience, including those of my own friends and family, cheating is not very common at all. But I come from a culture where premarital sex itself is pretty taboo still, so that could account for the lack of cheating or the lack of anecdotal evidence at any rate.

Regardless, I'm curious to find out if cheating really is all so common in the western (or maybe the more sexually open?) world which seems to be pretty well represented in this forum. So here's a poll for you all to answer, anonymous, of course.

If cheating is common, I'm curious to know why this is so. Is it as simple as people having a lack of self control? That explanation couldn't account for all cases or even most cases, could it?

I know there's a school of thought that assumes/asserts that human beings as a species are not meant to be monogamous and that the forced monogamy prevalent in society forces people into cheating. To those who agree with this view, are you or have you at any time been in a monogamous relationship? Do/Did you then expect your partner to be faithful to you?

And to those of you who have been cheated on, were you able to forgive and forget and carry on a relationship with that person again? How did you bring yourself to do it?

Personally, I cannot imagine being able to sustain a relationship when once trust has been broken. But maybe I'm just a particularly unforgiving person. Plus I've never been cheated on or cheated on someone, so I'm really just speculating about this.

I would like to know other people's take on this though, and hence this thread. Feel free to share, speculate, discuss, whatever.

Question, are we talking about strictly physical cheating or is emotionally cheating on your partner included as well?

Physically cheating but I complete get what your saying (and I still think it's just as bad in certain situations).

 

[minnull]

49.2% 'have neither cheated nor been cheated on'??? The option should be rephrased 'I have neither cheated nor been cheated on, that I am aware'. That figure couldn't be accurate, could it?

You'd be surprised. From the statistics I've run across, most people do not cheat or never get cheated on (of course theres always the 'never got caught' variable but we're measuring the calculable here, speculation aside). Those that never cheat or never get cheated on are more inclined to never bring it up while those that have cheated or have been cheated on usually bring it up when talking about their relationship history.