Poll: Could you stay with someone who hates what you're passionate for?
- Thread starter Riki Darnell
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The question was "could you stay with someone who hates what you like" which is what I answered.krellen said:
If the question had been "could you stay with someone who acts like a complete fethwipe" then i'd have answered differently.
If my wife had turned out to be a numpty that shot her mouth off about things I liked and she didn't then no, no we wouldn't be together.
Then again that whole thing has nothing to do with being with someone who hates what the OP likes rather that the OP's boyfriend is a dick full stop.
I think your poll is a problem because the core issue here isn't that you and your partner have different interests, it's that your partner isn't respecting you.Riki Darnell said:
My spouse loves Dada (the art movement). I... couldn't care less.
I love collectable miniatures. My spouse... doesn't.
However, I make an effort to at least be pleasant about Dada, and my spouse attempts to support my miniature purchases (within reason). Neither of us is particularly interested in the other's hobby, but we respect one another and understand how important each of these things is to one another.
It sounds like your partner won't even try for you. So the problem isn't that he doesn't like art or space - it's that he won't try to be pleasant about it.
Is there something he likes that you don't? You might be able to get him to see your point of view if you can find something that he loves but you don't that parallels the situation. If he knows that you are making an effort to support his interests that you don't share, perhaps he will make the effort for you.
And if he still doesn't... then he's being a selfish asshole.
Both of those things are right up my alley. The reason I love Existentialism is because on the fundamental level it baffles me, it feels like it should be easy and simple to understand but I just cannot wrap my head around it, having to break it down and put it back together in my head. More of a mental exercise for stupid me. Space related science also floats my boat because of the sheer reality bending nature of it!Riki Darnell said:
Think all planet and stars are round? F U, here is an oval planet and star and this is why.
Think all stars are hot? F U, this star's surface is between 20 and 30 degrees Celsius and this is why.
Think being further away from the sun would mean that the outer gas giants atmospheres would be less active? F U, they are much more active and this is why.
Basic concepts you take for granted are pummeled and warped by the sheer unpredictability our universe offers.
If I was with someone who actively hated what I wanted to talk about with them but at the same time expected to be able to talk about anything themselves then I would go F.U. I am outta here.
If it were only one of my passions sure, I'd try to make it work, as long as they weren't actively trying to change my mind on it. If it were most of my passions, then no, what would we have in common then? I have dated a religious girl before, and while I'm an atheist, it was fine, because we just didn't talk about it.
A long-term relationship is one where two people actively decide to accept and ignore what they detest about one another (I don't really understand the desire to do such a thing, but I'm strange). No two people are going to mesh perfectly... so really, it just comes down to one decision: compromise with your own standards, or end it.
Personally, I lean towards ending it. But again, I'm strange. I would never expect a committed sexual relationship to survive more than a year or two.
Personally, I lean towards ending it. But again, I'm strange. I would never expect a committed sexual relationship to survive more than a year or two.
As Chris Rock said, there's no such thing as a soul mate. You aren't going to find another person who loves Seinfeld and the Wu Tang Clan, It just isn't going to happen. I see one of two thing happening here (and I don't want to sound like I'm insulting you). I'm just an outsider relying on the information you gave.
1. Boyfriend doesn't appreciate you. If I had a girlfriend, I'd pretend to be interested in whatever she was talking about, just by virtue of the fact that she was talking to me. Then again, I'm overly dependent and desperately lonely. This is part of why I'm single in the first place. (I've also never been in a real relationship, so take my advice with a massive grain of salt.)
2. You're annoying him. It's possible to present a foreign subject to somebody and make it interesting to a layperson. It sounds like you might not be bothering to do that. Try to relate it in real life somehow or give it some sort of hook. It's tricky, but I've found there's almost always a way.
In my mind, the guy is ungrateful and doesn't know what a good thing he has. Maybe you're the only one who does. If you do feel compelled to leave, he'll definitely see the error of his ways, but it won't make much of a difference when you're with a new fella.
1. Boyfriend doesn't appreciate you. If I had a girlfriend, I'd pretend to be interested in whatever she was talking about, just by virtue of the fact that she was talking to me. Then again, I'm overly dependent and desperately lonely. This is part of why I'm single in the first place. (I've also never been in a real relationship, so take my advice with a massive grain of salt.)
2. You're annoying him. It's possible to present a foreign subject to somebody and make it interesting to a layperson. It sounds like you might not be bothering to do that. Try to relate it in real life somehow or give it some sort of hook. It's tricky, but I've found there's almost always a way.
In my mind, the guy is ungrateful and doesn't know what a good thing he has. Maybe you're the only one who does. If you do feel compelled to leave, he'll definitely see the error of his ways, but it won't make much of a difference when you're with a new fella.
Yes, conditionally.
Find someone you can share your interests with and see how he behaves. If he behaves negatively to you being visibly pleased by your discussions with somebody else (specifically, if it's a guy), then drop him at once.
I won't expand on that. I'm sure you can see the disgusting trait lurking behind that enormous warning flag. I hope it isn't there, but if it is, do the only smart thing.
Find someone you can share your interests with and see how he behaves. If he behaves negatively to you being visibly pleased by your discussions with somebody else (specifically, if it's a guy), then drop him at once.
I won't expand on that. I'm sure you can see the disgusting trait lurking behind that enormous warning flag. I hope it isn't there, but if it is, do the only smart thing.
My fiancee dislikes physics and F1, I'm a physicist and the only sport I watch is F1. But it is not a problem in the slightest because if I talk to her about those things she will have a fairly well educated discussion with me, she went and learnt as mush as she could about something that didn't interest her so we could talk about the things I like, and I did the same for her passions that I have no interest in.Riki Darnell said:
My ex disliked physics and F1 and had a massive strop whenever either topic came up, I had again learnt a bit about her passions. This is why she's an ex. We moved in together and it became quickly unworkable, it all ended in some blazing row.
Have you tried talking to your boyfriend about it? He probably doesn't realize just how important these topics are to you. Tell him doesn't need to like it but you at least want him to listen from time to time.
I see it this way. My girlfriend is important to me and anything she finds important is important to me too. That said, I like to be open to the things she likes; I sometimes have the pleasure of learning something new.
I see it this way. My girlfriend is important to me and anything she finds important is important to me too. That said, I like to be open to the things she likes; I sometimes have the pleasure of learning something new.
Personally no. What I am passionate about I tend to argue very strongly about, and I have lost friends over issues like politics and religion.
However, I know some people who are with and have been with people of wildly differing opinions for years, and are very happy. Mostly it seems to be that those who stay together very carefully avoid subjects that they know they disagree about. This might be my problem, I can't not argue about politics and religion, whereas other people can.
However, I know some people who are with and have been with people of wildly differing opinions for years, and are very happy. Mostly it seems to be that those who stay together very carefully avoid subjects that they know they disagree about. This might be my problem, I can't not argue about politics and religion, whereas other people can.
Though being yourself should mean not having to actively avoid topics you're passionate about so not to start an argument. I've tried that, it works in the short term well but you soon resent the other that you can't just talk about whatever you're thinking.MelasZepheos said:
A lot of people seem to be saying well don't talk to your partner about it, go talk to a friend or someone about it. Is that really what anyone wants though? You can't be yourself with your partner so you have to find people to be yourself with? If that's the case go find someone else to be your self with and DATE THEM.
tippyyyyy, y u so meeeaaan??tippy2k2 said:
no, actually i completely agree on the last part: as long as it's tolerated as in not discouraged, leave it be, one doesn't have to love ALL the same things; a differnce here and there can surely help to keep things interesting, and also gives an opportunity of doing something for yourself instead of the-two-of-you
so, could i stay with someone who hates what i'm passionate for - eeyup
i love satire, intelligent comedy, metal and (especially smooth/cool/lounge) jazz, for example
ex-gf (lastet 6 years, that's ok i guess) did not do so as much (the reason for breaking up also was quite unrelated)
besides that... i love astrophysics, space related science and the engineering behind it, too! and existentialism (next to several other disciplines) - marry me <3
No, I couldn't really give a shit what they looked like, but it helps I guess.
If they don't have a sense of humour, or vaguely like the same things I like, I can't be bothered with them.
If they don't have a sense of humour, or vaguely like the same things I like, I can't be bothered with them.
Hey, if I talk about Shakespeare or other literature, writing, or even some video games, my girlfriend (of almost a two year relationship) doesn't exactly get annoyed, but she kind of gives a really short response that sounds like she doesn't care at all. I know that it's not the same, and I know she does it because it's not interesting to her or she doesn't know what to say. I think that you should talk to him about this. Get him to understand what you feel. He shouldn't be putting you down so much on that.
Now, if my girlfriend was like your boyfriend, I wouldn't be happy. It would probably ruin the relationship to the point where I want out, but it might also probably just mean that I don't talk to her about these things and keep them to myself and speak to them to other friends. Now, if she told me that I couldn't have these passions, then I wouldn't leave the relationship because I wouldn't be happy at all about it.
Now, if my girlfriend was like your boyfriend, I wouldn't be happy. It would probably ruin the relationship to the point where I want out, but it might also probably just mean that I don't talk to her about these things and keep them to myself and speak to them to other friends. Now, if she told me that I couldn't have these passions, then I wouldn't leave the relationship because I wouldn't be happy at all about it.
Well, for a while, certainly. Even if it is a long term relationship, but you're not living together and you have friends who share your passions and you hang around with other people. But if it ends up being serious, it might become a problem. It could end up being the cause of many arguments. One day, you'll want to read a book about space, and he'll want to hang around, and you'll refuse and he'll be bitter about this passion of yours that "steals" you from him and so on. If he was interested in educating himself about it a little and trying to have a conversation about it, maybe even let you educate him, that would be different. But you stated that he outright says that those passions of yours are stupid and irrelevant. That's a bit more than just not being interested. I was not interested in many things at one point, but if someone mentioned it and wanted to discuss, I would go and research it. Who knows, maybe it interests me after all, but I just never knew. There aren't many things that I would call "stupid and irrelevant", especially if a best friend or a boyfriend considers them passions for a lifetime.
For example, my best friend from college and I are interested in two different things. We study the same thing, but she's interested in medieval period, I'm interested in antiquity. We often tease each other about it, but ultimately, even though I don't like medieval times at all, I help her search for books about it, I listen when she's explaining something to me and I do some research from time to time; she does the same for me. That's why it works.
Truth be told, no one can be certain if this would work. It's up to you to see that, along with your partner. But to me, it classifies as the lack of respect for something that I hold dear and that would bother me. Right now, it's just two topics that can easily be avoided, but who knows what else will he find "stupid and irrelevant". And that hurts, especially when described with those words. Personally, I wouldn't be able to live with someone like that.
For example, my best friend from college and I are interested in two different things. We study the same thing, but she's interested in medieval period, I'm interested in antiquity. We often tease each other about it, but ultimately, even though I don't like medieval times at all, I help her search for books about it, I listen when she's explaining something to me and I do some research from time to time; she does the same for me. That's why it works.
Truth be told, no one can be certain if this would work. It's up to you to see that, along with your partner. But to me, it classifies as the lack of respect for something that I hold dear and that would bother me. Right now, it's just two topics that can easily be avoided, but who knows what else will he find "stupid and irrelevant". And that hurts, especially when described with those words. Personally, I wouldn't be able to live with someone like that.
