Poll: Does the Friend Zone actually exist?

[Hiraeth]

It's a term that seems to crop up in most threads about relationships these days, and since it's such a widely accepted phenomena, I wanted to find out how many people think it actually exists.

First of all, what is the friend zone?
this is what Urban Dictionary (people still use that site right?) says:

A state of being where a male inadvertently becomes a 'platonic friend' of an attractive female who he was trying to intitate a romantic relationship. Females have been rumored to arrive in the Friend Zone, but reports are unsubstanciated.
Girl:
"I love you (Insert the poor bastard's name here,) but I dont want to ruin a great friendship by dating you."
Guy:
"Well why the fuck did I waste two months on you?"

That's what I understand it to be, but if you guys have other definitions, please share them.

So, is this just a magical place/state where people end up because they tried to be friends with someone before asking them out? Are said people just so good at being friends that the person they've set their sights on values their friendship too highly to ever risk it becoming anything more? I call bullshit, for two main reasons:

1) In my experience, very few people going to turn down the chance to be with someone they're attracted to, just because they're friends. There are exceptions to this, such as if one of them were already in a relationship with someone else, but in my experience it is never because of their abilities as a friend.

2) As far as I'm concerned there's only one major difference between what a friend does (giving support, listening to your problems, generally being there for you) and what a boyfriend or girlfriend does. What is that you ask? Sex or its associated behaviours. People will not want to be in a relationship with someone they don't want to do the nasty with. Regardless of how well you 'would work as a couple', there's no way a relationship is going to last if one side isn't feeling the chemistry. Okay fine, say you want to talk about romance instead of sex, no one wants to do romantic things with someone that they are less attracted to than a sandwich.


So, if it is as I suggested, and the friend zone doesn't really exist, why do people keep talking about it. Again, I have a theory.

1. People lie (or at least hide the truth). For some reason it is considered more acceptable to tell someone that you value their friendship too highly to ruin it, than to admit that you're really just not that into them.

2. Relatedly - rejected people lie to themselves. If you get told that you're an amazing friend, is it easier to believe that, or the fact that whoever you're into probably just isn't attracted to you? I mean how many people do you meet every day that you're just not attracted to?


Anyway that's it from me for now since I should technically be studying. Do you agree with what I'm suggesting? Do you have a real example of being actively friend-zoned, or of friend-zoning someone that contradicts what I've suggested? Let me know.


EDIT: Wow this ended up in spectacularly the wrong forum. Should be in offtopic. My bad, if anyone could move this (or tell me who to ask to get it moved) that'd be swell!

 

[Terminal Blue]

No, it generally doesn't.

Like you said, the example given above is a polite way of saying 'I'm not attracted to you' whilst sparing the other person's ego. Since many men seem to have a curious belief that women should go out with them because they are nice, caring people and would be 'good for them' rather than because they are attractive, it's also easier for men to digest.

Maybe some people do genuinely feel like that, but I've never met them.

 

[Dags90]

2) As far as I'm concerned there's only one major difference between what a friend does (giving support, listening to your problems, generally being there for you) and what a boyfriend or girlfriend does. What is that you ask? Sex or its associated behaviours. People will not want to be in a relationship with someone they don't want to do the nasty with. Regardless of how well you 'would work as a couple', there's no way a relationship is going to last if one side isn't feeling the chemistry. Okay fine, say you want to talk about romance instead of sex, no one wants to do romantic things with someone that they are less attracted to than a sandwich.

There's also personality and goals to take into account. People are looking for different things out of a relationship. If one person is looking to settle down and start a family and the other person is allergic to children and marriage, shit isn't going to work out in a long term relationship. You can still be friends or fuck buddies, but you'd be rather daft to go into a relationship on the presumption that you'll be able to sway the other person. Or if you both enable each others bad habits, not exactly the best basis on which to start a relationship.

I've met people who I've found myself attracted to and gotten along with well, but couldn't see a long term relationship working out due to our personalities being too similar.

 

[Hiraeth]

There's also personality and goals to take into account. People are looking for different things out of a relationship. If one person is looking to settle down and start a family and the other person is allergic to children and marriage, shit isn't going to work out in a long term relationship. You can still be friends or fuck buddies, but you'd be rather daft to go into a relationship on the presumption that you'll be able to sway the other person. Or if you both enable each others bad habits, not exactly the best basis on which to start a relationship.

I've met people who I've found myself attracted to and gotten along with well, but couldn't see a long term relationship working out due to our personalities being too similar.

That's absolutely true. Would you say my main point still stands though, that you're not turning someone down because of the value of their friendship but for other reasons?

 

[Dags90]

That's absolutely true. Would you say my main point still stands though, that you're not turning someone down because of the value of their friendship but for other reasons?

Yeah, I don't think I've ever said "I just don't want to ruin our friendship" without my nose growing. But I have lied to people to "put them down easy" before. :/

I've become friends with people I've dated and it's totally possible to have a neutral break up. Plus not accepting can put strain on a friendship, so it's not even a guaranteed save.

 

[2012 Wont Happen]

Not really. Maybe if you are really old friends. But certainly not at my age. Probably not even at your age. You'd have to have a very long precedent in friendship before it could happen.

 

[FieryTrainwreck]

I'm confused. You lay out exactly what it means to be "in the friend zone", but you think it's bullshit?

People definitely misrepresent "the friend zone" with small white lies designed to spare their own egos, but that doesn't invalidate the overall concept. "The friend zone" is very real. Ask any guy who swung for the fences and ended up with a super hot female... pal.

It's important to note that the "friend zone" is a miserable place. Typically, the guy still wants the girl, and having to spend time with her as a purely platonic friend ends up causing him no small amount of pain and frustration. He usually severs the friendship, sometimes passively, in order to spare himself the grief.

 

[Hiraeth]

I'm confused. You lay out exactly what it means to be "in the friend zone", but you think it's bullshit?

People definitely misrepresent "the friend zone" with small white lies designed to spare their own egos, but that doesn't invalidate the overall concept. "The friend zone" is very real. Ask any guy who swung for the fences and ended up with a super hot female... pal.

It's important to note that the "friend zone" is a miserable place. Typically, the guy still wants the girl, and having to spend time with her as a purely platonic friend ends up causing him no small amount of pain and frustration. He usually severs the friendship, sometimes passively, in order to spare himself the grief.

When people talk about being put in the friend zone, they're talking about a point in their relationship with a girl, when they cross from being a potential romantic partner, to being simply a friend, purely because of how good their friendship is. As though there's a point at which the friendship becomes too valuable to risk by entering into a relationship. This is what I'm calling bullshit on - the idea that there's a state in which you are such good friends with people that it is because of this, and no other reason, that they won't enter into a relationship with you. I'm saying that women (or men) do not have a group of people whose friendship they value too highly to risk a relationship with them.

As far as I'm concerned, ending up becoming friends with someone who you were initially trying to get into a relationship with, is not the same as being friend-zoned.

 

[Gethsemani_v1legacy]

Good friendship versus bad relationship? I know which one I'd take. Admitedly, the tradition might be different in other places but both me and my sister have put a fair share of our male friends in the friend zone. What it breaks down to is that I have a good friend, but I don't want to get romantic or sexual with that friend. That's also what girls mean when they tell you that they like you as nothing more then a friend.

You are turning the person down because you don't want to be in a relationship with them, but you still want to be their friend. That's what "friend zoning" is all about. You could argue the semantics of it, but I believe the friend zone to be very much real.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

I am waaaaaay too intoxicated at the moment to respond to this coherently so I will have to try to came back to it later. I would have to say though that you are misrepresenting (or misunderstanding) the "friend zone".

I will try to respond when I am sober.

 

[FieryTrainwreck]

When people talk about being put in the friend zone, they're talking about a point in their relationship with a girl, when they cross from being a potential romantic partner, to being simply a friend, purely because of how good their friendship is. As though there's a point at which the friendship becomes too valuable to risk by entering into a relationship. This is what I'm calling bullshit on - the idea that there's a state in which you are such good friends with people that it is because of this, and no other reason, that they won't enter into a relationship with you. I'm saying that women (or men) do not have a group of people whose friendship they value too highly to risk a relationship with them.

As far as I'm concerned, ending up becoming friends with someone who you were initially trying to get into a relationship with, is not the same as being friend-zoned.

Weird. That's exactly how I'd describe the friend zone. That's definitely how all of my friends use the term. Hollywood, too.

It does depend heavily on how you choose to initiate your romantic relationships, though. A lot of people, both male and female, prefer to befriend someone before considering a romantic relationship. These are the only people who are vulnerable to "the friend zone". Their romantic and platonic relationships begin in the same fashion, so they can't readily distinguish between the two until the relationship fails to "mature" as desired. That recognition is the precise moment when a person enters the FZ.

It's also worth noting that "friend zone" friendships don't last. Frequent platonic interaction with someone who has rebuked romantic advances tends to generate intense feelings of frustration and even pain/sadness for a lot of people, and they often opt to sever the friendship rather than suffer in silence.

If you're the sort who approaches romantic relationships and friendships very differently, the "friend zone" concept won't make a lot of sense to you.

 

[Bobbovski]

It feels like I'm mostly repeating what everyone has already said. But the way I understand the friend zone is that it's supposed to work like this:

* All guys the girl meets are either placed in the friend zone or in the "potential boyfriend" zone. This placement can happen very quickly. So if a guy is not clear enough with his intentions, gives a bad first impression or figures out he's in love late in the (non-romantic) relationsship with the girl he might be placed in the friend zone.

* Once a guy is in the friend zone it's very hard if not impossible to get out of it. The theory is that girls have a hard time changing their view of someone once they've decided that a guy is "friend material".