Poll: Epicenter Zero

[LV Solace]

This is about my story, Epicenter Zero, It's a novel taken place In city named Fallan. Anyway, my point for bring this up, and publiclly risking my self to the intelligence of the people here, Is I want an opinion about it. from someone who isn't below my intelligence level, or scared of me.

I want an unbiased opinion. Which is what this is for. I'm not well enough known to have any followers, and I'm not paticularly remarkable so no one would be impressed, by my post record, or avatar. So I figure a group of intelligent, honest people, would be good.

So in part I'll be posting a short part of my current 37 pages. about what is in my notebook one ish pages, of college rule paper. And here we go. For reference this is page two, and the story starts En media res. And yes I do use that phrase in conversation, when it applies.
-----

Nathanial, snuck up behind the man and pulled his knife from his pocket, held it to the mans throat, "Hello Roger. You're going to die tonight." Nathanial pulled the knife away, and struck the man in the back of the skull. He was on the ground, out cold.

Roger was tied up, hands above his head outstretched like a diver. His legs were spread, and from the knees to the ankles, were affixed to the floor with duct tape to the gymnasium floor. The majority of both of his arms were affixed to the floor in the same manor. His chest and head were also affixed to the ground with the same tape. Roger was naked and was laying on a pile of what felt to him like sand.

Roger heard a loud gunshot, it echoed through out the entire gymnasium. Roger thought it was much louder than in the crime shows liek CSI. The duct tape covering his eyes was violently ripped off, revealing a bright white light.

"Youre number Seven." Nathanial said calmly, "Did you know that? you're my second rapist though, only my second. Odd, you thought you could get away with it."

Nathanial took his knife, which he had been mindlessly playing with, and drove it into and through Roger's right foot. He screamed, And Nathanial drove the same knife through the mans left foot. He moved above Roger who was now begging for his life. Nathanial did the same to his hands, and now there was so much blood, Roger must have been anemic.

"Don't you go dying on me now Roger." Nathanial said playfully, "Did you ever wonder what she felt like? Being violated again, and again, and then being murdered? Did you think you would get away with it?"

The rapist layed there, crying, screaming, bleeding. He was scared, he knew now, he was going to die. He felt the knife go into his arms, cutting the tape, the flesh, up his neck, and around to the other side. To Roger it looked haphazard, to Nathanial it was perfect, precise. Roger's blood was mixing with the sandy substance, he lost conciousness.

Nathanial woke him with a quick kick to the head. "Not yet you get to be awake for this."

Nathanial moved from Roger's sight, and he heard a match light in the distence. Roger realised the sandy substance must have been gun powder, he screamed with all his strength. The gunpowder exploded, and Roger felt his flesh burn and he died.
-----

Not to violent, or gruesome I hope? Also heres to hoping the general public thinks it is good, and that I'm not beaten with the banstick for the content.

 

[NeedAUserName]

Maybe dumb down the language abit, and you said "wer" a lot, dunno if that was just a lot of coincidental typos or what, but I have no idea what it means.

After reading the second half all I can say is thats pretty fucked up.

 

[Maet]

Just in time for Dexter (Season 3)?

Phrases and were words were repeated and structured the same way a bit too much. For example, in the second paragraph you used the word "affixed" a lot. Change up your word selection. You call also refer to the characters more creatively than just their first name. The relentlessly grim tone leaves a lot of room for creative imagery.

It could also have been edited better, but that's probably why you're here in the first place.

It is too grim and... 'nihilistic'... for my liking. I hope my opinion helps you out a bit though. Keep at it.

 

[LV Solace]

I'll admit that I did use affixed a lot. I do have a problem with variation. I do get a bit better at it some where around page XX, as for variation of names, I only reallly have problems with Jewels, and Nathanial. Although for the sample, thats irrelivent, because, well the sample size only includes A dead guy and a murderer.

and needsausername, the "wer" they were in fact typos either due to my poor typing skills or a dirty keyboard.

 

[Amnestic]

I want to see more, though not particularly because I'm intrigued, but rather because there's not enough of it there thus far for me to really make a choice one way or the other.

 

[LV Solace]

ok Amnestic, I'll work on putting up a few pages more. continuing right from where that one left off. And I thank you that despite no paticular intrest, you want to see more and possibly help.

 

[Amnestic]

Might I advise rather than posting it on the forums, you rather email it out to people who express interest like NewClassic did? I prefer it that way, anyway.

 

[Maet]

If you're going to email copies to potential editors, I'll take a copy too (if you don't mind.)

 

[LV Solace]

Well I haven't even gotten to the editing phase yet, I was planning on getting responces on the content. And then finishing it. I"ve got I think about a hundred pages of content I still need to write. I'll edit after that. I'm also fairly paranoid about people stealing my work. I've had that happen. some one stole my sketchbook, and I failed my class because of it. plus I lost the art I liked.

 

[Beowulf DW]

I think it could use a little bit of polish, but overall this is awesome. I suppose the premise is "vigilante who administers true justice." Is that correct? If so, I should tell you I genuinely enjoy stories like this. I just hope you avoid the typical moral dilemma that usually makes the main character rethink his ways in these kind of plots.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[NewClassic_v1legacy]

As far as prose goes, it's easy to get lost. Even though the piece is short, I had to take a few seconds to re-orient myself to even scene shift. After I did, I felt like I was... I'm not sure, cheated of the experience. Everything seems so distant, so... absent.

What was it like for Roger to be stabbed in the foot. Why was he screaming? Did he pull the knife out, or did a second go into his other foot. What about the knife wound up his arm. How deep was it? Did he bleed profusely, or was it a light scratch? Did Nathanial miss the jugular on purpose, or did the man survive through sheer luck? What kind of gymnasium? Was the gunpowder deluded so it wouldn't explode, but instead catch flame? What about being burned, did it outweigh the pain of being stabbed through the foot? Were Roger's last thoughts of fear? His family? Girlfriend? Victims?

All of these questions are just what's on the tip of my mind, and I've read... six paragraphs? That's also avoiding the exposition questions such as who is Nathanial, how did he get access to this gym, how does he know that Roger is a rapist, and how has he gotten good enough at what he does to sneak up behind, subdue, torture, and violently murder Roger without being interrupted in the gym, or even to be found out later? Did Nathanial have any worries?

These characters don't feel real to me, and whatever connection I'm trying to establish feels too forced, like I'm trying to see the similarities between myself and a flying whale. The whole story to me feels like I'm watching a foreign film, with no subtitles, through someone else's static-y TV, from outside of their house, through a murky window.

When I look back over it, I still feel like I'm not present for any of it, just watching with mild disinterest with the corner of my eye. It needs more connecting ability, because I don't feel immersed.

Also, the description feels light. I can't visualize much more than what I supplant as the wooden floors of my high school gym, and blackness hovering all around them. Where was Nathanial when the duct tape was ripped off? I dunno. Was he sitting in a folding chair? Did he have a surgeon's table? I have no idea. It's very hard to visualize, like the retelling of a story, instead of the original telling.

Otherwise, not too bad. Grammar wasn't perfect, but it was solid enough to get the message across. Occasional but light spelling errors, although it's a short piece, so it's hard to tell. Not usually my kinda story, but not at all hard to read. Reads fairly quickly, and isn't to taxing, so good job on that.

To really wet my feet, I'd need more. Beginning to, about, page 5 or so would probably be enough exposition to really get a decent enough feel for it.

You're not a bad writer, practice will definitely help, and don't be afraid to play around with adjectives and thicken out the setting. I like to read in a world, not in a dark room where the only thing I see is the main focus. I like to get to know my worlds, the characters' whose lives I'm riding along with. Let me into their heads, and their observations.

Also, for future reference, it's in medias res.

EDIT Just realized how negative this all sounds. I'm trying to help, not bash. Sorry if I kinda give off that impression. It's not bad, and I'd like to see more. Good luck, and happy writing. Have fun, because that's really the most important part.

 

[LV Solace]

No not at all NewClassic. That is the kind of thing I was looking for. you gave honest constructive criticism, the whole murky window bit was a bit much, but, I'll let it be since I'll admit this is unrefined, and yes to an outside reader, I can see how it would be hard to see the transitions.

YOur main problem as far as I can tell is a lack of detail to sufficiently flush out the world. I wrote it like that mainly because my last piece was horrible, I was obsessed with the details. I literally spent half a written page on a person,a nd what she was wearing. So I cut back apparently to much on descrption, it was osmethign that crossed my mind, but I dismissed it because I can see the scenes playing out in my head like a movie. And I know it's dumb that I can see it and expect everyone else to get the same images in my head, when they read it.

-----

@ Beowulf DW No, Nathaniel wont have one of those cop out revelations on stopping because suddenly people are happy good people. I wont reveal other things in case I feel like putting it up anywhere or I get it refined to the point where it could be published, though I doubt that.

-----

I'll be re writing it as soon as I get more spiral note books, ecause I accidently pulled 12 pages out of it, and it bothers me, so now I can rewrite it with more detail, and better flow of the story. And oddly enough what I've put up already is about halfway down page 2 to the begining of page five.


EDIt; my god I suck at typing.also NewClassic, if you would I'd like to discuss withyou in more detail, and more privacy about this, if you wouldnt mind.

 

[NewClassic_v1legacy]

NewClassic, if you would I'd like to discuss withyou in more detail, and more privacy about this, if you wouldnt mind.

Gladly. PM me about it, or hit me up on AIM/MSN/Yahoo. Mine are all listed in my Profile.

 

[Beowulf DW]

@ Beowulf DW No, Nathaniel wont have one of those cop out revelations on stopping because suddenly people are happy good people. I wont reveal other things in case I feel like putting it up anywhere or I get it refined to the point where it could be published, though I doubt that.

I hope I didn't go too far with that. I just think your story has some great potential. Seeing a cop out like that would break my heart (and I mean that). Sorry if I crossed the line with my last post.

Just one more thing:

I kind of disagree with NewClassic's criticism of lack of detail. Don't get me wrong, detail is necessary most of the time; however, I thought that the lack of detail gave the excerpt you posted a certain coldness. The kill seemed to be presented in a fast, unflinching way, which made me pause as I considered the sadistic act that Nathaniel was committing. To put it simply, it made me sit back and say, "Whoa."

But maybe that's just me.

I'm no literary critic, I just thought that I'd put my two cents in.

 

[Maet]

Also, for future reference, it's en medias res

If you're referring to the Latin phrase that translates into English "in the midst of/in the middle of things," it is in fact in (according to my Latin text book at least).

 

[Ultrajoe]

If i may comment, its pace is screwed more than Pamela Anderson backstage at a concert.

The flow of the story is very static and seems to be a list of events with no direction. there could be so much more reflection from the characters, or even... any. What do they feel bout the events unfolding?

Not to say that the writing is completely shot, but its hard to have an interest in characters with no perspective on events. Especially for a part of the story so emotionally charged.

That, and it seems to be almost painfully forced when it comes to attempting to make me cringe. Read 'American Psycho' to learn how it's done. For all its talk of gruesome events, you have no emotional investment to capitalize on when 'cashing in'. Think of it as earning points to spend, you need to make me have an opinion on events to shock it with such an act as this murder.

Also, have you seen 'Dexter' by any chance?

I realize this sounds harsh, be assured i dislike your writing and not you.

 

[NewClassic_v1legacy]

Also, for future reference, it's en medias res

If you're referring to the Latin phrase that translates into English "in the midst of/in the middle of things," it is in fact in (according to my Latin text book at least).

Wow, bad place for a typo, huh? I'm an idiot. Fixed.