Okay a little context I am not going to use their real names so we will call the girl Jill and the guy Jack. Jack met Jill from a craigslist ad.
They both play Dungeons and Dragons together in my group. They have been dating 4 to 5 months. Jill according to Jack never seems to want to hang with him lately and cancels most of their dates. Jack is peeved about this and the fact its been several months and she still doesn't feel comfortable kissing. They are both in their mid 20's.
Ohh and Jack's had some pretty screwed up relationships i.e. being cheated on and violated in his sleep and having his arm broken, different girlfriends for each. This is her "first?" relationship according to her. I've known Jack for a couple years and Jill for only while they were together.
Jack broke up with Jill, then they sent eachother the following two emails, Jill forwarded them to me to get a girl's perspective "me and my husband use the same account".
First Jill's
I suppose... I owe you an explanation, don't I? I talk about saying things straight out but... I'm a bit of a hypocrite for doing this through email, but calling doesn't seem the best of ideas at the moment. To start, it would perhaps be more accurate to say that I was scared off as opposed to completely uninterested. I've mentioned this before, but I'm not a people person, and I can only take so much interaction (regardless of who it is). I suppose most women like being called every day (mom says that's a good sign or something...), but... not me. I don't even call my own best friends that often (we talk maybe once a week?). If I did, they'd probably tell me to bugger off, as they're the same way. It felt a little suffocating. The second, and way bigger thing, was the pushing. Yeah, MOST women would probably have hopped in their boyfriend's bed by now, but, again, I'm not most women. I didn't really take kindly to being put on a time limit early on (when you said that if things weren't at x point by x date it would be best to call it off), and I definitely didn't like being badgered into moving things forward at every time we met. It was worrying; I'm a worrier, and I tend to play cautiously. What really freaked me out was at the cake place when you were looking across the table like I was lunch or something; the brain went into "flee for safety mode" at that point.
The other thing is, I don't have a lot of time these days. If I can't hang out one week, I can't hang out that week. My job comes first (as it keeps me not homeless and all that), and when rare occasions come up to see my friends (such as with this week) I go and do that first. S and V have been my best friends for over ten years, and they were there for me when no one else was; they got me back on my feet. They get priority.
You seem really nice, and I enjoyed the hanging out/dates, but...well...you read the stuff above. I really should have said something sooner, but I didn't want to hurt your feelings by coming out and saying, "Hey, call me less. Too much talking." I tried talking to mom about it early on and she was like, "Hell no, C; don't tell him that!" I tried hinting about the pushing thing, but you...seemed to get upset about it at the cake place... I don't really know what else to say or do...
Now Jack's response
Alright for one thing I am not a mind reader but I am good at reading peoples emotions. The problem was not that you just kept avoiding me but also how you did so. Half the time the last month you gave off the signs of indifference, contempt and a little desperation which based of personal experience this pointed to you not liking me but lacking the experience to know how to get out of a relationship or that you didn't want to get out only for the sake of being in a relationship no matter how much you disliked it.
The other half of the time you gave me very mixed messages to the point I couldn't get a fix on what you wanted. That's why I wanted to see you in person and waited until we got to the cake place. There I tried a few different things to get your reactions each one told me something you are emotionally distant, have contempt at physical contact, wary of others strong emotional states. This kinda told me "back off I secretly hate your guts". I already really like you but from this and your response you don't feel the same way and probably never will. Sorry if this comes off as creepy but whenever I ignore my intuition something horrible usually happens to me like my ex-roommate sneaking into my room.
But let me tell you something about myself as a male in the prime of his youth I am interested in sex, it's hardwired in but even if you did say yes to it right now it would freak me out and I would say no. My last relationship where I went fast it scared the hell out of me. I prefer to go slow and at a fairly steady pace. Right now you set the pace pretty slow and I don't mind. I will do a little pushing now and then but I barely expected to get both feet on first plate for a while.
I could probably go on for a day and a half about all the things I like about you but do you honestly like anything about me?
My husband thinks Jack is just gay or something
Edit: I found out from both parties that the time limit thing was about feeling comfortable about hugging. Wow I really didn't know she was that nervous about stuff like that.
They both play Dungeons and Dragons together in my group. They have been dating 4 to 5 months. Jill according to Jack never seems to want to hang with him lately and cancels most of their dates. Jack is peeved about this and the fact its been several months and she still doesn't feel comfortable kissing. They are both in their mid 20's.
Ohh and Jack's had some pretty screwed up relationships i.e. being cheated on and violated in his sleep and having his arm broken, different girlfriends for each. This is her "first?" relationship according to her. I've known Jack for a couple years and Jill for only while they were together.
Jack broke up with Jill, then they sent eachother the following two emails, Jill forwarded them to me to get a girl's perspective "me and my husband use the same account".
First Jill's
I suppose... I owe you an explanation, don't I? I talk about saying things straight out but... I'm a bit of a hypocrite for doing this through email, but calling doesn't seem the best of ideas at the moment. To start, it would perhaps be more accurate to say that I was scared off as opposed to completely uninterested. I've mentioned this before, but I'm not a people person, and I can only take so much interaction (regardless of who it is). I suppose most women like being called every day (mom says that's a good sign or something...), but... not me. I don't even call my own best friends that often (we talk maybe once a week?). If I did, they'd probably tell me to bugger off, as they're the same way. It felt a little suffocating. The second, and way bigger thing, was the pushing. Yeah, MOST women would probably have hopped in their boyfriend's bed by now, but, again, I'm not most women. I didn't really take kindly to being put on a time limit early on (when you said that if things weren't at x point by x date it would be best to call it off), and I definitely didn't like being badgered into moving things forward at every time we met. It was worrying; I'm a worrier, and I tend to play cautiously. What really freaked me out was at the cake place when you were looking across the table like I was lunch or something; the brain went into "flee for safety mode" at that point.
The other thing is, I don't have a lot of time these days. If I can't hang out one week, I can't hang out that week. My job comes first (as it keeps me not homeless and all that), and when rare occasions come up to see my friends (such as with this week) I go and do that first. S and V have been my best friends for over ten years, and they were there for me when no one else was; they got me back on my feet. They get priority.
You seem really nice, and I enjoyed the hanging out/dates, but...well...you read the stuff above. I really should have said something sooner, but I didn't want to hurt your feelings by coming out and saying, "Hey, call me less. Too much talking." I tried talking to mom about it early on and she was like, "Hell no, C; don't tell him that!" I tried hinting about the pushing thing, but you...seemed to get upset about it at the cake place... I don't really know what else to say or do...
Now Jack's response
Alright for one thing I am not a mind reader but I am good at reading peoples emotions. The problem was not that you just kept avoiding me but also how you did so. Half the time the last month you gave off the signs of indifference, contempt and a little desperation which based of personal experience this pointed to you not liking me but lacking the experience to know how to get out of a relationship or that you didn't want to get out only for the sake of being in a relationship no matter how much you disliked it.
The other half of the time you gave me very mixed messages to the point I couldn't get a fix on what you wanted. That's why I wanted to see you in person and waited until we got to the cake place. There I tried a few different things to get your reactions each one told me something you are emotionally distant, have contempt at physical contact, wary of others strong emotional states. This kinda told me "back off I secretly hate your guts". I already really like you but from this and your response you don't feel the same way and probably never will. Sorry if this comes off as creepy but whenever I ignore my intuition something horrible usually happens to me like my ex-roommate sneaking into my room.
But let me tell you something about myself as a male in the prime of his youth I am interested in sex, it's hardwired in but even if you did say yes to it right now it would freak me out and I would say no. My last relationship where I went fast it scared the hell out of me. I prefer to go slow and at a fairly steady pace. Right now you set the pace pretty slow and I don't mind. I will do a little pushing now and then but I barely expected to get both feet on first plate for a while.
I could probably go on for a day and a half about all the things I like about you but do you honestly like anything about me?
My husband thinks Jack is just gay or something
Edit: I found out from both parties that the time limit thing was about feeling comfortable about hugging. Wow I really didn't know she was that nervous about stuff like that.
