Poll: I need tips, ideas, help, etc. with this

0p3rati0n

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I alway have this tendency to write books. I can usually get a decent of really good idea about every month. So I finally forced my lazy alienated mind to sit down with my (new) mac and write something that I've had for a while. So I was hoping to get some tips, ideas, gammer lessons, criticism, etc. from anonymous people. Getting stuff from friends and family don't seem to be really help full.

***Take into notice***
Obviously the tab button doesn't work for indent (If it does then I'm more oblivious than I think I am). Also I have very little experience with writing books. So my format might not be right. Right now I'm just winging it. I'm also sophomore in High School. This is just a variable that I think I should just put out there just incase. Lastly, yes this chapter is further into the book (if I decide to keep writing it) and this is a weird part. If you have the tendency to keep thinking "this is weird" I don't blame you.

*Neon= main character who works for a Counter Terrorist Unit
*Cadee= A very shy girl who has a crush on "Neon" and goes to his school
"G"= Neons partner in the CTU who works as a janitor for undercover

Quick scenario- "Neon" just got done with school when he spots Cadee still at her locker. He tries to make small talk. But things go horribly wrong that can cost "Neon" his life.

*Names still in contemplation

The school got empty really quick. Not even many teachers were around. Although I shouldn't be that surprised since it's a friday. So I walk down the empty hall with on of the lightest backpacks I've had this year. The only truly major think that I could feel significant weight is my Five-Seven FN pistol. But I guess I just grown accustom to felling it with me to make sure no one sees it or worse take it.

I took a right turn at the end of the red hallway. When no more than two yards away from me was Cadee. I felt obligated to at least say "hi" to her. I feel that's the talk Metro and I had working on me. But when and did it away.

"Hey Cadee. I didn't know you were still her."

"Oh, 'Neon'..." she responded spinning around towards me. I must of scared her.

She placed one arm was behind her back and her hand on the other arm was toying with her hair. She seemed to be trying to make eye contact. Metro was right. Cadee is shy but that shyness turns into a love shyness when I'm around. I never really took notice it until Metro told me about crush on me.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you!"

Her head shot up and immediately made eye contact.

"No... it's ok."

There I go! I went and done it. I have a feeling that I made her think that I have a lot of feelings for her. She wouldn't of made eye contact if that didn't happen. This is why I said "no" to Metro when she asked me to ask Cadee out. I didn't want her to get the wrong idea! I really need to think about possible out comes with the words I say. But that just put too much pause in an conversation. That could also make her think of stuff like that.

"Hey 'Neon' is everything ok over here?" said "G" popping his head around the corner.

"What?" I said turning towards "G" "Oh yeah everything is just..."

Right before I could finish the sentence Cadee drops to the floor with a scream of pain. Then she puts a hand on her mouth and one on her stomach. I take a step back knowing that her body isn't liking her lunch. Sure enough I was right. She threw up all over the floor. The smell was horrible. Then again what do you expect puke to smell like? Febreze?

"Alright, now that you tossed the lunch monkey, lets get you to the nurse before you have another episode" I said with a sigh in my voice "Come on 'G' help me out."

But right before I could talk one step Cadee starts screaming in pain again. This time both hands on her stomach. Without hesitating I run over to see what?s happening.

"Cadee! Are you alright!... ARE YOU ALL RIGHT!" I start yelling at her.

"LEAVE!" She yells back with pain in her voice. Her face was tight with pain, her teeth clenched, and her eyes sealed shut.

I put my hand on her back. Then her shirt started swelling up. I pull my hand off and step back. I look back and 'G' is reaching for his pistol.

"No 'G' there is no point or reason for you to be reaching of your gun!" I yelled at him.

He then takes him hand away.

"G" I said to him "leave, I have a really bad feeling about this"

Cadee is still screaming and her shirt is still swelling with some sort of liquid.

"Leave! NOW!" I yelled at "G" "I have it handled"

Sure enough he left. But I think he just walked down a bit incase I couldn?t handle.

Then Cadee's shirt busts open with a silver goo that came out of the neck, her sleeves, and the bottom of the shirt. Then the goo covers her entire body. I was watching the transformation of a monster out of a shy and innocent girl.

The silver goo seemed to be attaching itself to her skin. Claws seemed to for on her hands. They looked sharp enough to stab right threw my gut. Then her eyes looked like something out of a some sort of alien sci-fi film. Within moments of the goo covering her and transforming her the scream that was Cadee changes as well. It turning into ear piercing cry that even I'm surprised my ears didn't start bleeding!

When the thing, that wasn?t Cadee any more, stood up it screamed at me in that horrible scream. I backed a way a bit and put my hands up showing I don't want to fight. When I made eye contact I could see rage and malice in it. I knew it was waiting for me to make a move. But I didn't want to make a move that would aggravate it. So I'd try to talk it out or show it that I didn't want to fight.

"Cadee I don't want to fight you." I said with my hands still in the air. But I used on hand to grab my Five-Seven out of my backpack. Then I took both hands and showed Cadee that I was disassembling it. I slid the magazine out and threw that to my right. I took the slide off and threw that to my left. Lastly I took what was left of my Five-Seven behind me. But even then Cadee still screamed at me. I knew I lost all contact with the physical and mental Cadee. I knew this wasn't going to end well.
 

Technocrat

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Nov 19, 2008
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Line 7: "Must of" should be "must have", or contracted to "must've".

Line 14: "went and done it." - either "went and did it" or "gone and done it"

"Claws seemed to for" - "claws seemed to form"

"Are you alright!... ARE YOU ALL RIGHT!" is a question, needs a question mark.

"Without hesitating I run" - most of the text is in the past, so needs to be ran. Stay consistent.


Nuts to this, there's a lot to look for in terms of grammar.

Stylistically, one thing that leapt out at me was the way that there are always speech marks around Neon and G's names implies that they're being said ironically somehow. Also, is Neon a codename, or his real name? If the latter, do people mention that it's an unusual name?

Alright, there's a lot of things that need fixing, more than this, but I'm only an English teacher by day! Don't let it stop you writing though, the only way to improve is practice. That, and reading a lot. What kind of things do you read a lot of at the moment? A clear and consistent style combined with well-produced imagery are what separate a ripping yarn from a daft fanfic.
 

katsumoto03

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Feb 24, 2010
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Two things:

Why is there (what seems to be) a highschool student in a Counter-Terrorism unit? And why does he carry a gun to his classes?


Ignoring the grammarical errors in this, it seems very out of context. I sincerely hope this isn't the intro.


It's a good draft, it just needs some work is all. Keep it up.



~Katsumoto
 

0p3rati0n

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Apr 14, 2009
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katsumoto03 said:
Two things:

Why is there (what seems to be) a highschool student in a Counter-Terrorism unit? And why does he carry a gun to his classes?


Ignoring the grammarical errors in this, it seems very out of context. I sincerely hope this isn't the intro.


It's a good draft, it just needs some work is all. Keep it up.



~Katsumoto
To answer your first question "Yes" I believe I explained that in the outline. As for your second question "idk! Jack Bauer pretty much had a gun on him all the time and would be off-duty or on his free time. I'm still working things out. Everything not final. Also no this isn't the intro. There's context in the chapter that shows that events that need to be explained happened before this event.

Technocrat said:
Line 7: "Must of" should be "must have", or contracted to "must've".

Line 14: "went and done it." - either "went and did it" or "gone and done it"

"Claws seemed to for" - "claws seemed to form"

"Are you alright!... ARE YOU ALL RIGHT!" is a question, needs a question mark.

"Without hesitating I run" - most of the text is in the past, so needs to be ran. Stay consistent.

Nuts to this, there's a lot to look for in terms of grammar.
Wow I need to some serious editing still. Then again all I did was go back to add in more detail.

Stylistically, one thing that leapt out at me was the way that there are always speech marks around Neon and G's names implies that they're being said ironically somehow.
ok....

Also, is Neon a codename, or his real name? If the latter, do people mention that it's an unusual name?
nickname.....

Alright, there's a lot of things that need fixing, more than this, but I'm only an English teacher by day! Don't let it stop you writing though, the only way to improve is practice. That, and reading a lot. What kind of things do you read a lot of at the moment? A clear and consistent style combined with well-produced imagery are what separate a ripping yarn from a daft fanfic.
Right now I read almost anything that is suggested to me. I'm into fantasy, sci-fi, and action. So far there are two series that I love right now.
Kingdom Keepers and the Hunger Games.

But yeah nothing is final right now. Like i said to Katsumoto I'm still toying with different things to see how I can play things out.