If you've been keeping up with movies lately, then you may know of "Zombie"land. A recent film about a young white nerd boy making a survival guide as he tries to survive the zombie apocalypse, who also meets several other people along the way whom he joins in an effort to survive the end of the world, and also gain the family which he never had.
Well it stunk like a massive pile of rancid Kool-Aid filled poo in my opinion. Oh, it starts off great! It begins with the events leading up to the previously mentioned zombie filled apocalypse by showing tons of awesome slow motion and graphically intense scenes of people being chased, eaten, and brutally maimed by the undead. And later on in the beginning it makes plenty of humorous and awesome examples and notes on how to survive zombie assaults, as narrated by our young quirky protagonist himself.
I know, it sounds awesome right? And with this it's off to a great start! But alas, the awesomeness soon begins to fade as we get further along in the film, and a young hawt female is introduced (packing a useless younger sister to boot), thus turning the film into a "Boy Meets Girl" love story, and the video game/zombie survival guide motif slowly removes itself from the movie in general.
But fret not, my brothers (and sisters, if there's any out there)! For I have composed a list of all the things that would have turned this lazy, unambitious, and sorry excuse for a film into a masterpiece!:
1. They actually retain and fully take advantage of the Zombie Survival Guide/Video Game motif! - In which there would be loads more examples and rules and whatnot for/from the "survival guide" itself. Also there could be "achievements" (Kind of like the "Zombie Kill of the Week" thing it did, except moar and bettar), a health bar (or something like it), and even a Leaderboard (where it would keep track of how well each of the remaining survivors are doing - with points based on kills and power-ups collected and stuff of course).
2. The main character is less "typical shallow representation of a culture, and also mildly good looking, and awkward in a cute/hanky panky sort of way", and is more along the lines of "actually human and not all that good looking and has real, socially crippling flaws and is nerdy/geeky in more relatable ways (Examples: Not all that attractive, is pretty much unable to bond well with other people, is unable to get a girl AT ALL, etc, etc).
If they had REALLY wanted a relatable, shut in nerd for a main character, they would have used someone like this:
Now THAT would take some real work, and writing, and characterization, and movie-making-know-how to pull off as a main character! A feat worthy of many awards, me thinks.
3. The main character does meet other characters along his journey, but they are actually flawed and interesting, and DO NOT wind up joining the main character in a super awesome hugs and kisses filled tag team. Oh, they might pair up here and there or work together to survive the next local zombie attack, but that doesn't stop the other people from either abusing the main characters trust, or even from trying to kill him, whether it be because they were an ex-criminal or they're mentally unstable or they see the main character as a threat. Oh yeah, and killing other survivors gets you major points on the previously mentioned leader board, and gets you a rank up.
4. There's as actual abundance of zombies, and zombie attacks, and awesome slow-mo zombie killing! It's a ZOMBIE-FREAKING-APOCALYPSE!! I don't want Bill Murray dressed up as a zombie and the destruction of the local Indian shop or a crappy love subplot. I WANT ZOMBIES! AND LOTS OF THEM! I also want zombie animals, and mutated zombie people/animal/machine hybrids!
5. The main character should also have a stalker! An evil zombie-mutated-ex-criminal-child-abducting-clown-pirate-monkey-man. He's a zombie and all, but he's also smarter, and moar evil, and more cunning. He stalks our hero through out the film, and does whatever he can to drive the main character insane. He doesn't want to kill him. Oh no! Not until hes SUFFERED!
6. It would also be neat to see the main character make it to the top of the Leaderboard by the end, and receive a special weapon and armor from Chuck Norris, Jesus, and Bill Gates (That would be a much more interesting cameo)as a reward for his efforts!
So yeah... that's all I've got... I'm done...
