lol... grammar & spelling just don't mean anything anymore... even when it's highlighted right in front of you...PureChaos said:
Poll: Is this joke funny?
- Thread starter PureChaos
- Start date
On a night when there is a new moon, get into your car and start driving out of the city. Take back roads. Get yourself lost on dirt paths. Watch the clock -- when it strikes 1:11 AM, you may now try to find your way back to civilization. If the night is right, you'll come upon an old, run-down diner or gas station. Stop here.
Go inside. There will be an old man behind the counter, his teeth dripping in a terrible grin. Sit on the third barstool from the right and pick up a menu. Study this menu and do not say a word. Do not make eye contact with the old man. Eventually, after many minutes of silence, he will say "What are you in the mood for, friend?" You must answer "The night holds a secret for us each." If you say anything else, the old man's teeth will rip from his face and strangle you in a silent horror.
If you have done this correctly, he will say "Very well, very well, come on back." If he does not say "very well" twice, it is a trap -- do not follow him and instead run as far away from the diner as you can, not turning back to witness the putrefied corpse that will now hunt you for the rest of your days. But if he does say "very well" twice, follow him behind the counter into the kitchen.
The kitchen will be very dark. Stare straight ahead at the old man's back. If you hear the clatter of utensils, try to fight the urge to turn your head towards the sound. Soon, the kitchen will fade and it will be just you and the old man in a pitch-black hallway. You will lose sight of the old man completely, and suddenly a spotlight will shine down onto a little girl's decapitated head, resting on the floor. The head will start to sing a single note, and you must match this note. You have one chance -- if you sing the wrong note, the head will grow to enormous size and chew you alive, and you will never die and you'll feel all of it forever.
If you sing the right note, however, the head will burrow into the ground and three doors will appear. Turn counter-clockwise (COUNTER-CLOCKWISE!) eighty-one times with your left arm outstretched. When you stop, the door closest to your left hand will be the wrong door. Do not go through this door -- take either one of the other two. It does not matter.
Once you pass through one of the doors, you will feel a strange sensation -- look down. You've been transformed into an owl. Fly upwards, out of the broken skylight, until you come upon the tallest tree nearby. It will be very tall. Fly up to it and land only on the sixth branch from the ground. If you land on the wrong branch, the tree will turn into blood and drown you.
But if you found the right branch, sit and wait here for exactly 45 hours with your eyes closed. Do not open your owl eyes until 45 hours have passed, or you will remain trapped as an owl forever, and the corpse from earlier will make it its goal to catch you. Forever.
If 45 hours have passed, open your eyes -- you are human again, but your legs have been replaced with great, bloody swords. Walk on your swordpoints on the precarious mountain trail until you reach the summit -- here there are two things resting on two executioner's blocks. The old man is also here. One of the things is an infant. The other is a severed torso.
The old man will say "make your selection." Using your sword-legs, you must jump into the air and simultaneously decapitate the baby and stab through the heart of the torso. If you miss the jump, the baby will suddenly be made out of coiled wires, and the wires will wrap around you like snakes, and constrict you like the Twisted Pictures logo at the beginning of the Saw movies. Then you will die forever.
But, if you perform the move right, the old man will smile, and say "Remember that terror is in the black heart of the moon, and horror can burn the sun with its bloodbones." Then the sun will turn black as the night, seeming to suck all the stars from the sky. The old man will now recite a 183-digit number that you only have one chance to remember.
The old man will morph into a safe with a digital keypad. Approach the safe and enter the long number into the keypad. If you make a mistake and the safe begins to hiss, run away on your sword-legs, and maybe the safe won't turn into a bloody bag of pus with tentacles that will try to impale you. If the safe doesn't hiss, or stops hissing, it's safe to start over.
If you enter the number right, the safe will transform back into an old man... but this time, he will have the head of a thousand bloody dogs. If you are lucky, the only pug's head in the superhead will bark and lick you. Do not try to force the pug to lick you, unless you want to be torn apart by a thousand dogs' heads. If the pug licks you, it will wink twice and its eyes will turn into razor blades. Then, suddenly, you will be back in your car, driving on an abandoned road again. Make your way back home and sleep.
If you have performed all of this correctly, then you will be allergic to sunlight and water, and your bones will turn into glass, but you will be able to teleport into any coffin in the world.
BUT WHO WAS CREEPING PASTOR
Stupidest goddamn thing I've ever read, and it stole a couple minutes of my life as compared to a few seconds for a normal joke.
Go inside. There will be an old man behind the counter, his teeth dripping in a terrible grin. Sit on the third barstool from the right and pick up a menu. Study this menu and do not say a word. Do not make eye contact with the old man. Eventually, after many minutes of silence, he will say "What are you in the mood for, friend?" You must answer "The night holds a secret for us each." If you say anything else, the old man's teeth will rip from his face and strangle you in a silent horror.
If you have done this correctly, he will say "Very well, very well, come on back." If he does not say "very well" twice, it is a trap -- do not follow him and instead run as far away from the diner as you can, not turning back to witness the putrefied corpse that will now hunt you for the rest of your days. But if he does say "very well" twice, follow him behind the counter into the kitchen.
The kitchen will be very dark. Stare straight ahead at the old man's back. If you hear the clatter of utensils, try to fight the urge to turn your head towards the sound. Soon, the kitchen will fade and it will be just you and the old man in a pitch-black hallway. You will lose sight of the old man completely, and suddenly a spotlight will shine down onto a little girl's decapitated head, resting on the floor. The head will start to sing a single note, and you must match this note. You have one chance -- if you sing the wrong note, the head will grow to enormous size and chew you alive, and you will never die and you'll feel all of it forever.
If you sing the right note, however, the head will burrow into the ground and three doors will appear. Turn counter-clockwise (COUNTER-CLOCKWISE!) eighty-one times with your left arm outstretched. When you stop, the door closest to your left hand will be the wrong door. Do not go through this door -- take either one of the other two. It does not matter.
Once you pass through one of the doors, you will feel a strange sensation -- look down. You've been transformed into an owl. Fly upwards, out of the broken skylight, until you come upon the tallest tree nearby. It will be very tall. Fly up to it and land only on the sixth branch from the ground. If you land on the wrong branch, the tree will turn into blood and drown you.
But if you found the right branch, sit and wait here for exactly 45 hours with your eyes closed. Do not open your owl eyes until 45 hours have passed, or you will remain trapped as an owl forever, and the corpse from earlier will make it its goal to catch you. Forever.
If 45 hours have passed, open your eyes -- you are human again, but your legs have been replaced with great, bloody swords. Walk on your swordpoints on the precarious mountain trail until you reach the summit -- here there are two things resting on two executioner's blocks. The old man is also here. One of the things is an infant. The other is a severed torso.
The old man will say "make your selection." Using your sword-legs, you must jump into the air and simultaneously decapitate the baby and stab through the heart of the torso. If you miss the jump, the baby will suddenly be made out of coiled wires, and the wires will wrap around you like snakes, and constrict you like the Twisted Pictures logo at the beginning of the Saw movies. Then you will die forever.
But, if you perform the move right, the old man will smile, and say "Remember that terror is in the black heart of the moon, and horror can burn the sun with its bloodbones." Then the sun will turn black as the night, seeming to suck all the stars from the sky. The old man will now recite a 183-digit number that you only have one chance to remember.
The old man will morph into a safe with a digital keypad. Approach the safe and enter the long number into the keypad. If you make a mistake and the safe begins to hiss, run away on your sword-legs, and maybe the safe won't turn into a bloody bag of pus with tentacles that will try to impale you. If the safe doesn't hiss, or stops hissing, it's safe to start over.
If you enter the number right, the safe will transform back into an old man... but this time, he will have the head of a thousand bloody dogs. If you are lucky, the only pug's head in the superhead will bark and lick you. Do not try to force the pug to lick you, unless you want to be torn apart by a thousand dogs' heads. If the pug licks you, it will wink twice and its eyes will turn into razor blades. Then, suddenly, you will be back in your car, driving on an abandoned road again. Make your way back home and sleep.
If you have performed all of this correctly, then you will be allergic to sunlight and water, and your bones will turn into glass, but you will be able to teleport into any coffin in the world.
BUT WHO WAS CREEPING PASTOR
Stupidest goddamn thing I've ever read, and it stole a couple minutes of my life as compared to a few seconds for a normal joke.
Kuroneko97 said:
So these three guys are shipwrecked on a desert island, where they encounter some natives. The natives tell them that all three will be killed unless they can go into the forest, pick up a piece of fruit, and shove it up their own ass without making a sound. If they can do that, they are free to live among the natives. If not, they will be sacrificed.
The three men go out into the forest. The first comes back with a banana. He shoves it up his ass, but groans in pain. He is killed on the spot.
The second man comes back with grapes. He shoves one up his ass without making a sound, but right as he's about to pull it out, he bursts into laughter. Right before the man is killed, one of the natives asks, "Why did you laugh? You were so close?"
The man replies, "I couldn't help it. I was fine until I saw the other guy walking up holding a pineapple"
The three men go out into the forest. The first comes back with a banana. He shoves it up his ass, but groans in pain. He is killed on the spot.
The second man comes back with grapes. He shoves one up his ass without making a sound, but right as he's about to pull it out, he bursts into laughter. Right before the man is killed, one of the natives asks, "Why did you laugh? You were so close?"
The man replies, "I couldn't help it. I was fine until I saw the other guy walking up holding a pineapple"
(inb4 dick joke)
I chucked, it's certainly not the worst joke in the world though. Get a sense of humour, it's funny, cringeworthy but still a little funny.
I'll be honest, That's one of his better jokes. The others I either don't get or aren't very funny.IcyEvils said:
Required an explanation, so therefore not funny.
That and it should probably be told as "the Hovis witnesses" since its a pun on Jehovah's Witnesses
That and it should probably be told as "the Hovis witnesses" since its a pun on Jehovah's Witnesses
Dammit, I need to catch up with some of his material...gibboss28 said:hes got a shorter oneMana Fiend said:Lay off puns! ;] I once wrote a sketch about coins stuck down the back of the sofa, which was entirely coin punsmazzjammin22 said:Oh, and an interview with the God of Weather written with rain puns.
That said, Hovis isn't a great play on Jehovah, so I don't really find it funny.
Now, for a punny joke from Jimmy Carr.
Venison's deer, isn't it?
Dwarf shortage
*edit* well someone beat me too it but thats all I've got to add to this post. Other than..eh that jokes alright, I've heard better terrible jokes.
I saw a man stealing a gate once, I didn't say anything in case he took a fence to me.
Or even worse
MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOWWWWWW
I voted "Next time you see your mate, punch him for me", beacuse I found that to be funnier than the joke.
My friend and I used to do a two person vaudeville routine. Spoiler-text is my lines, stuff that appears when you click is her lines. You dig?
Tip your waitress, I'm here all week.
Bob.
Art.
Matt.
Dave.
Dave doesn't think so either, he's got no arms and no legs!
Tip your waitress, I'm here all week.
