Poll: Men and women being freinds

[Darken12]

You're all so lucky that most of you (according to the poll) don't get friend-zoned the moment you have feelings for anyone -.-

That's because the friendzone is a myth that guys invented to feel less bad about themselves when they can't deal with rejection. It's not the girl who friendzones you. You friendzone yourself.

 

[Paradoxrifts]

This topic, again? Oh Escapist, you should know better than this.

Here's the thing. The reason why I think that this topic rouses such strong responses is that people are just terrified that they might have inadvertently been some girl's "Nice Guy", or indeed some guy's "Stone Cold Heartless *****". But this isn't exactly a dilemma that can only be solved through the application of quantum mathematics, fuck-in-hell, you don't even need a working knowledge of algebra.

If someone else treats their doormat with more common decency and respect than they do you, you are not their fucking friend. If you allow yourself to be treated like an absolute doormat, and prostrate yourself before them without a shred of dignity or self-respect, you are not their fucking friend either. Friendships work off mutual respect. The overwhelming majority of time that you spend together with your friends should involve sharing experiences that you both have an equal interest in pursuing for their own sake.

Sycophants and those who enjoy their attentions, whether they're ignorant or aware of the role they play in their twisted relationship are incapable of an honest friendship. In these circumstances a friendship cannot be betrayed, because in truth it never existed in the first place.

 

[DevilWithaHalo]

You're all so lucky that most of you (according to the poll) don't get friend-zoned the moment you have feelings for anyone -.-

That's because the friendzone is a myth that guys invented to feel less bad about themselves when they can't deal with rejection. It's not the girl who friendzones you. You friendzone yourself.

This is true. I've never understood men who remain friends with a girl who rejects them. You'll never be able to emotionally move on and focus on yourself, or another person, if you continue to subject yourself to the constant reminder that this person doesn't want you.

Then again, I understand that it's different for a lot of people; my Ex wanted to remain friends with me and didn't understand why I was so hostile to the idea. Some people like maintaining relationships with others that support their sense of self worth. Wouldn't it be better for them to cut them loose? Seems rather selfish to keep them around.

But while women do sometimes selfishly hold on to these men (or vice versa as the case may be), it's the men(or women) that don't walk away that only have themselves to blame.

 

[Tycon]

There seams to be a bit of hostility on this thread (only a few posts, most of you are very nice) about the issue and I find it quite unsettling =(. I really never thought much of the issue to be honest as friends are friends and romance is romance, they can mix or be separate it depends on the compromise of people. I'm sure plenty of people have felt attraction to their preferred sex gender whether they are consciencely aware of it or not (I never knew how much I cared about one of my friends until she was gone in my life, the possibility you might not know what you want or miss something until its gone is still there.) Perhaps this kind of hostility and expectations we put on genders is more to blame about men and women friendship problems than intercourse.

I'm glad to see feed back but wish some of the ranting was more civil and less intentional demeaning, it feels to common to hear Men say they hate women and women say they hate men than I'd prefer to be comfortable =(. The friend zone issue is also complicated and it saddens me to hear the frustrations and anger of both parties, the one attracted to the friend (generally seen as male) and the unattracted party (generally seen as female). I know your all free to rant, and both sides make very good arguments but I wish people would be more nice and understanding to the other parties point of view.

Anyways thank you all so much for taking the time out of your day and physical energy to provide feedback to this fourm with free content and allow people like myself to reflect on ourselves with your thoughts and experiences in mind. Also for the record I'd say its possible depending on circumstances really, I'm neutral.

 

[Maevine]

I didn't used to think it was very likely, but now that I'm married, I see that being friends with men is actually quite easy. I have 4 guy friends who come over every week to play Legend of the Five Rings with me, and we have a wonderful time just hanging out together. I've yet to feel the slightest bit of attraction to any of them, let alone the desire to hug/kiss/etc. them. It's not that they're unattractive, either---they're all decent-looking guys---I just don't need anyone other than my husband.

 

[Starik20X6]

I'm a guy who has more girl-friends than guy-friends. I consider all the friendships I have to be satisfactory and worthwhile.

I will confess however, that over the course off every single one of these friendships I have been sexually attracted to the girl on at least one occasion. This doesn't mean I agree that as a heterosexual male any attempt at an innocent friendship with a member of the opposite sex is doomed to failure for me, however neither can I deny that The Power of Hormones is at times much stronger than The Power of Friendship.

Who are you, and how did you get into my brain?

Yeah, I find plenty of my female friends attractive, though I'd never act on it- I respect them too much.

What's this whole connection between sex and respect? Not trying to be confrontational just genuinely asking

I don't know if 'respect' is quite the correct word. It's a case of "I like you enough as a person that I'm not disappointed that you won't touch my junk". The whole "seeing them as more than potential sex partners" kind of thing. It's a bit difficult to describe.

 

[Powereaver]

I have a boatload of female friends.. and tbh some are bloody gorgeous people! so if i was ending up in a relationship with them id be like a TOTALLY happy guy.. but being friends with them is just awesome also because it means i get to spend time with them anyways.. so i cant really complain!

 

[spartan231490]

It really isn't possible unless both of them are unattractive to the other. You can still be friends, I have a few, but any attraction that exists will always cause problems, and pain, for both sides.

Sorry, but you're wrong. We've had loads of people on this thread testify otherwise. Perhaps you can't maintain friendships with people attractive to you, but a lot of us handle it just fine.

I don't believe you. I've seen more than enough real life evidence to the contrary. I've seen quite a few people who said exactly what you're saying, and then later realized how wrong they were. Just because you can maintain a friendship with someone of the opposite gender, doesn't mean that that your friend isn't having problems. Thing is, people tend to hide it from the other person when this is an issue because of the problems it will cause. And just because there haven't been any problems yet, doesn't mean they won't come later down the line, when there's a break-up, or the two of you meet up at a party when you're both smashed, ect. I've seen it time and time again, not that you can't be friends with people of the opposite gender, but these problems will always arise eventually. always.

 

[Starik20X6]

I'm a guy who has more girl-friends than guy-friends. I consider all the friendships I have to be satisfactory and worthwhile.

I will confess however, that over the course off every single one of these friendships I have been sexually attracted to the girl on at least one occasion. This doesn't mean I agree that as a heterosexual male any attempt at an innocent friendship with a member of the opposite sex is doomed to failure for me, however neither can I deny that The Power of Hormones is at times much stronger than The Power of Friendship.

Who are you, and how did you get into my brain?

Yeah, I find plenty of my female friends attractive, though I'd never act on it- I respect them too much.

What's this whole connection between sex and respect? Not trying to be confrontational just genuinely asking

I don't know if 'respect' is quite the correct word. It's a case of "I like you enough as a person that I'm not disappointed that you won't touch my junk". The whole "seeing them as more than potential sex partners" kind of thing. It's a bit difficult to describe.

But can't you have sex with someone AND respect them? Not being disappointed is cool, but what's weird is it makes it sound like you think less of someone you actually would have sex with.

Hence why I said respect isn't really the right word to describe it. It's not "I respect you for not sleeping with me", but "I can respect your decision to keep this relationship platonic, as much as I might want it to be otherwise."

 

[Darken12]

This is true. I've never understood men who remain friends with a girl who rejects them. You'll never be able to emotionally move on and focus on yourself, or another person, if you continue to subject yourself to the constant reminder that this person doesn't want you.

Then again, I understand that it's different for a lot of people; my Ex wanted to remain friends with me and didn't understand why I was so hostile to the idea. Some people like maintaining relationships with others that support their sense of self worth. Wouldn't it be better for them to cut them loose? Seems rather selfish to keep them around.

But while women do sometimes selfishly hold on to these men (or vice versa as the case may be), it's the men(or women) that don't walk away that only have themselves to blame.

The friendzone isn't typically referred to as the "let's just be friends" post-relationship break-up speech, but to the "befriends a girl to get into her pants, gets rejected, continues to cling to friendship thinking he might get another shot" tactic some men use.

I never understood why wanting to remain friends with someone could ever be misconstrued as a selfish idea. Friendships are a two-way street. If a girl wants to be friends with you, it's not because she wants to take advantage of what you can do for her, it's because she wants to share moments of friendship with you, and everything you do for her can be expected to be reciprocated. If a woman (or man, of course), uses the word "friend" as a codeword for "servant", then the idea of friendship is not to blame, that's just them being assholes.

 

[Evil Smurf]

I have some hot friends that I am attracted to, what of it?

 

[Ryotknife]

hmm. I am not attracted to any of my friends girlfriends (or ex's) in any way whatsoever. Not even a single sexual thought involving them. Im not attracted to any woman already spoken for because I despise drama and that seems to be stronger than my sexual drive.

As for being friends with a single woman not in a relationship? Done it a few times, always gets awkward somehow though. One of us will want something more, and then either get shot down or (in my case) dont have the single foggest idea that the other person wants something more in the relationship because I can not pick up on subtlety. Seriously, im terrible at it in real life.

It really got awkward when I found out that my best friend's younger sister has been hitting on me for years (and i had no idea).

 

[Xdeser2]

Personal Experience As a guy:

Yes, they can very much be just friends

 

[TakeyB0y2]

I'm male and have friends of the opposite gender. I'm not into the opposite gender though, so that might help.

I know a couple of them have crushes on me, and tend to get waaaay too uncomfortable cuddly with me, which bothers me a little bit, but I'm capable of looking past that.

 

[Darken12]

I don't believe you. I've seen more than enough real life evidence to the contrary. I've seen quite a few people who said exactly what you're saying, and then later realized how wrong they were. Just because you can maintain a friendship with someone of the opposite gender, doesn't mean that that your friend isn't having problems. Thing is, people tend to hide it from the other person when this is an issue because of the problems it will cause. And just because there haven't been any problems yet, doesn't mean they won't come later down the line, when there's a break-up, or the two of you meet up at a party when you're both smashed, ect. I've seen it time and time again, not that you can't be friends with people of the opposite gender, but these problems will always arise eventually. always.

You do realise that this means bisexuals and pansexuals can't have any friends whatsoever, right? That they are doomed to be forever friendless because these problems, according to you, will always arise eventually? That's absolutely ridiculous.

Ludicrous, even.

[insert Ludacris picture here]

 

[spartan231490]

I don't believe you. I've seen more than enough real life evidence to the contrary. I've seen quite a few people who said exactly what you're saying, and then later realized how wrong they were. Just because you can maintain a friendship with someone of the opposite gender, doesn't mean that that your friend isn't having problems. Thing is, people tend to hide it from the other person when this is an issue because of the problems it will cause. And just because there haven't been any problems yet, doesn't mean they won't come later down the line, when there's a break-up, or the two of you meet up at a party when you're both smashed, ect. I've seen it time and time again, not that you can't be friends with people of the opposite gender, but these problems will always arise eventually. always.

You do realise that this means bisexuals and pansexuals can't have any friends whatsoever, right? That they are doomed to be forever friendless because these problems, according to you, will always arise eventually? That's absolutely ridiculous.

Ludicrous, even.

[insert Ludacris picture here]

Yeah, it's completely ludicrous that human beings would act irrationally out of self-interest and emotion . . . oh wait.

 

[spartan231490]

It really isn't possible unless both of them are unattractive to the other. You can still be friends, I have a few, but any attraction that exists will always cause problems, and pain, for both sides.

Sorry, but you're wrong. We've had loads of people on this thread testify otherwise. Perhaps you can't maintain friendships with people attractive to you, but a lot of us handle it just fine.

I don't believe you. I've seen more than enough real life evidence to the contrary. I've seen quite a few people who said exactly what you're saying, and then later realized how wrong they were. Just because you can maintain a friendship with someone of the opposite gender, doesn't mean that that your friend isn't having problems. Thing is, people tend to hide it from the other person when this is an issue because of the problems it will cause. And just because there haven't been any problems yet, doesn't mean they won't come later down the line, when there's a break-up, or the two of you meet up at a party when you're both smashed, ect. I've seen it time and time again, not that you can't be friends with people of the opposite gender, but these problems will always arise eventually. always.

Birds of a feather flock together. Your 'real life evidence' is probably more limited to people such as yourself. And it may shock you to learn that if you paid attention to more than yourself you'd see that some people in the thread have plenty of experience of their own.

And nope, the problems needn't always arise eventually. Your failures are not everyone else's no matter how much you may want them to be.

So, for posting an opinion on an opinion thread, something which you almost certainly did as well(on this very thread no less) you have concluded that I am some introverted asshole who never pays attention to others? You can judge me all you want, it doesn't hurt my feelings, I've been around long enough to have self-confidence. Nice try to bully me into silence though.

Also, I am not speaking of just my experience, but the experience of every single person I've ever met, excluding those who aren't even old enough to enter high school. It always causes problems eventually. Say what you want, but ignore me at your own peril.

 

[Darken12]

Yeah, it's completely ludicrous that human beings would act irrationally out of self-interest and emotion . . . oh wait.

The connection between what you just said and the topic at hand is impenetrable for me (and, I wager, to most of the people reading your post). Please elaborate, because I have no idea how being self-interested, irrational and emotional precludes friendship (after all, we're all self-interested, emotional and irrational to a higher or lower degree, and we still manage to form deep bonds of friendship in spite of that).

 

[Daveman]

While I'm not so much friend-zoned (because that's bullshit), I've recently got disappointed because I realised all this shit that the girl I like did which I interpreted as flirting (and in most other situations I think I would be right to do so) she's been doing with everyone and their dog. I was pissed off initially, mostly at myself for getting my hopes up and not slamming down the cynicism immediately like I usually do when sober, but I'm kind of over it now. I'm still going to hang out with her and I'll still fancy her because frankly there's nothing I can do about that and if anything happens that's great. She's my friend and I still really like her so I'm going to hang out with her.

So yeah, there's that, and I would have sex with most of my female friends. They're all good looking and lovely people which is a lot more selective than most people are, not that I consider myself picky.

I don't get why women don't see things the same way, besides the biological foundation for that perception. I don't understand most things about women though. They're just a constant source of confusion, bemusement, frustration and self-loathing for me. Love, in a nutshell.

 

[Zykon TheLich_v1legacy]

so I have a few questions

1. is there anyone slightly older (marrie deven) who still had freinds (and only freinds) of the oposite gender?

2. do you have freind fo the oposite gender and how do you feel?

Old git here.

Yes. You will come across a lot of people in your life. Some of them you will like, some of them you will not. Some of them you will want to have sex with, some of them you will not. Just because you get on with someone of the opposite sex, it does not follow that you also want to fuck them.

Another point, I would guess (or at least it is my experience) that as a general rule, the younger and more pumped full of hormones you are, the more likely you are to want to shag your friends, the older you get, the more picky you become, the more likely someone is going to be flagged up as friend material as opposed to relationship material as the selection criteria become more stringent.