Poll: Parents as Friends

[Azure-Supernova]

See, my parents are two very different people, quite the opposites of each other. So when I end up in an argument with my mum, it always plays out the way where she'll snap, I'll get a good slap and end of argument. She's my mother and that line isn't to be crossed. However, when I visit my dad and we argue, it's very different. For one he's a highly strung git and the second anything disagrees with him he'll bite back. So when we have an argument it's a big blow out and we'll shout in vain. But at the end he'll laugh it off and try and engage me in a man hug.

I get two very different feelings off my parents:

-My mother, who pays for the house and keeps food in my belly and a roof over my head.
-My dad, a goofy, jokey kinda guy who feels a bit more like a bar room buddy than a parent.

So when I spoke about this at with my counsellor (recoving from their divorce), we made note that my mum wants to be my parent but my dad wants to be my friend. I took this home to my mum who then went on to say that you can't be a friend AND a parent, one or the other. My dad seems to think he can do both, but that's where the problem lies. Because he's so friendly and buddy buddy with me, I often forget where 'the line' is and when I've crossed it he knows, but I don't.

If you understood that (I kinda did) then what do you think? Can you be a friend and a parent? Or one or the other?

Also on the note of those who don't have parents, do you find that your carers try to be a parent or a friend? Which one and does it work?

 

[Julianking93]

I'm friends with my parents, but then again, that very well could just be because I have no real friends my age.

 

[Dys]

It squarely depends on age, it's inappropriate for a parent to be worried about befriending their 10 year old, as they'll spoil them and the inevitable lack of discipline will harm the child. However, once the child has grown up and matured, it isn't unreasonable (the age obviously depends on the kid, there isn't a magic number that people hit and become mature, typically once someone has left home their parents can become friends).

 

[Sion_Barzahd]

Its the same sort of thing for me too, except my parents aren't divorced. My mum flies off the handle at all sorts of stuff and is the 'strict parent' whereas my dad is more like a bar mate, we take the piss have a laugh etc.

You can be a parent and a friend in my opinion, though i think you do need one just parent to keep things down to earth so you don't go too far.

 

[Azure-Supernova]

It squarely depends on age, it's inappropriate for a parent to be worried about befriending their 10 year old, as they'll spoil them and the inevitable lack of discipline will harm the child. However, once the child has grown up and matured, it isn't unreasonable (the age obviously depends on the kid, there isn't a magic number that people hit and become mature, typically once someone has left home their parents can become friends).

Well you see this is the problem, well my personal one anyway. My mum is at one extreme and thinks that we can never be 'friends' because she will always be my parent.

 

[DukeBishop]

Hmm I view my parents as well.. parents. I think that if you view your parents as friends rather than authority figures, you respect them less.

 

[Dys]

It squarely depends on age, it's inappropriate for a parent to be worried about befriending their 10 year old, as they'll spoil them and the inevitable lack of discipline will harm the child. However, once the child has grown up and matured, it isn't unreasonable (the age obviously depends on the kid, there isn't a magic number that people hit and become mature, typically once someone has left home their parents can become friends).

Well you see this is the problem, well my personal one anyway. My mum is at one extreme and thinks that we can never be 'friends' because she will always be my parent.

As I don't know you (nor could I ever in the same capacity your mother does) I can't really comment on whether it's appropriate for you to have a more friendship based relationship with your mother, I can say with all confidence if she thinks that such a relationship can never be possible she is wrong.

Ultimately, so long as you live in her house you can't really question her rules (even if you are being 'over parented'). The best advice I can give is to wait it out, when you get a bit older and move you she may change her ways.

 

[Jedoro]

You can be a friendly parent, but I don't think a parent could really fill the role of "friend" and still expect to be a "parent." Once the kid moves out or grows up, then the parents can be friends with them, but while raising the kid the parents have to make certain lines clear.

 

[metacree]

My mother was a caring disciplinarian and raised me not to be a jackass. I am 26 now and we are best friends. I think it's very important for your parents to maintain a parental role until they have finished the job of raising you. Then, when you are finally an adult, you can rely on them to be there for you when you need advice or a good laugh.

 

[DarkLordofDevon]

Both of my parents and I are very close and have always been. Being an only child they were 2 of the few people I saw on a regular basis and since they were good parents we rarely had occasion to fight. My mum is very 'mothering' and is the more emotionally based parent, whereas my dad is the 'friend' type some have described. We all get on well and I am glad for it. I know several people who have had quite dire parents.

 

[SnipErlite]

I think it'd be a bit weird for my mum to be as much of a friend as my dad. But that might be partly 'cause I'm a guy.

Hell I wanna be mates with my kids, but that's sorta hard to do if you also want to be the authoritative parent. hmm....

 

[Eagle Est1986]

I think becoming a friend to your children can only really come when they've moved out.
I moved out a couple of years back and now I consider my mother to be a very good friend, whereas before she was definitely just my mother.

 

[Banana Phone Man]

This sounds a lot like my family who are going through a divorce now. Parents are aways going to be you parents but when people are older and have moved out got a house and job etc. you won't look at your mum and dad and see them as people you have to depend on ao they can then be friends. Thats my opinion anyway.

 

[FactualSquirrel]

I'm certainly not friends with my parents, but I don;t think it's impossible.

It can be difficult, but there really are no specific parenting guidelines anywhere, so it's all open to interpretation.

 

[KaiRai]

While I can't stand either of my parents for various reason (Chiefly dad is OCD on some stupid things and mom is annoying as hell), my mom is very close to my grandma and grandad, and when my mom was young they caught her stealing, and my grandad threatened to hold her hand over the gas hob on the cooker.

I guess it just depends on whether you think they're doing the right thing for you. Your mother wants you to learn respect, and that when there is a problem, authority will deal with it, while your dad more seems to be, when there's a problem, you shouldn't bottle it up and be more friendly, so if you're in a bit of a pickle, he can be like your kind of "go-to-guy".

Both work well, I guess it just boils down to which you prefer.

 

[Glassesguy904]

Parents are supposed to be your friend in a way. The whole friend thing comes with them being your parents. It cancels itself out.

 

[Ophiuchus]

I definitely consider my parents to be friends as much as family. I guess it's an age thing - it wasn't always that way but, as I grew up and left home, they obviously became less relevant as authority figures and more relevant as lovely people that I enjoy spending time with. Now I'm in my late 20s, my dad and brother are the first people I'd choose to go out for a beer with. Or, more likely, sit around the house and drink beer with.

 

[Nemu]

Impossible. Regardless of wot any of you (you or your parents) say, there is ALWAYS going to be that "I'm your PARENT" dagger hanging over your head.

My mum is my mum. My friends are my friends. They all have access to certain parts of me, but none have Carte Blanche.

 

[Azure-Supernova]

while your dad more seems to be, when there's a problem, you shouldn't bottle it up and be more friendly, so if you're in a bit of a pickle, he can be like your kind of "go-to-guy".

That is where the issue lies I believe. My dad wants all the benefits of being a parent without the responsibilities. Whenever there's an issue where money might be involved, he always tells us (my two sisters and I) to talk to our mum about it. He's not the emotional type so I can't talk to him about anything without him making me feel stupid for it.

He's exactly how I'd describe it, it's like he's a guy I'd talk to down the pub or something. I mean I'm 17, I figure I should be able to depend on him rather than have him shirk his duties until he wants to hang out.

 

[Maze1125]

It's certainly possible to be both a friend and a parent, but the target is a pretty small one.
Get the balance even slightly wrong and one will overwhelm the other.