Poll: Rate my poem

[letsnoobtehpwns]

I had to write a couple poems for English class and I want some opinions on it. Remember, I'm just a 15 year old kid so, my poem is like comparing Mark Twain to Invader Zim fan fiction writers. Keep that in mind while your rating it. It's titled "Mad World". Please grade honestly!

Bang goes a shot
Down innocent people go
It is a Mad World

Buildings are burning
People are dying
It is a Mad World

Good men are saying goodbye to their sweet hearts
They all get a ride to their fight
To this Mad World

Money is spent
Resources are fought for
Over this Mad World

In this Mad World
Boys become men and men become heroes
In this Mad World

Thousands are dead
Millions are now safe
But it is still a Mad World

 

[Nimbus]

I dislike repetition. It grates on my ear. That is all I have to say.

 

[Caimekaze]

It's not that great, to be honest... Rhyming isn't useful when you just use the same last word, and it lacks any real imagery. Don't give up though, I was pretty bad at poetry at your age.

 

[Simriel]

You have potential. But the poem as it stands is... not very good. I am speaking as a poet myself.

 

[clicketycrack]

You should put in something about sex and Mcdonalds and you'll have just about all the worldly madness bits down.

 

[Lukirre]

I like what you're trying to say, but in this day and age poetry demands new, innovative styles of writing. Unfortunatly, this poem has been done multiple times in different forms. Also, you transition from the building up, right to the end, missing out on the crucial cathartic step.

Other than that, atleast you haven't completely forgotten about this style of writing.

 

[bodyklok]

*Vomiting on keybord*

OK it wasn't that bad. But anyway that aside, this is how I'd change it.

Bang goes a shot
Innocent's dies
It is a Awesome World

Buildings are burning
People are dying
It is a Awesome World

Good men are saying goodbye to their loves
They march to their fight
To this amazing Awesome World

Money is spent
Resources are fought for lives are exhausted
On this Awesome World

*Guitar solo

In this Awesome World
Boys become men and men become heroes
In this Awesome World

Thousands are dead
Millions live
But it is still a Awesome World.

Now throw in Freddy Mercuary's vocals, some great base along with Iron Maidens guitars and we got ourselves a hit!

 

[Herb sewell]

I see what you were trying to do but it's not that good. That poem sounds a little cliche and the repetition kills me. I couldn't decide between d or c then I saw you wrote be honest so i figured you were looking for critisism in order to improve so I went with D.

P.S. Take it with a grain of salt as it's still a better poem then I could write and unless you go to some little lord fonteroy's school for Hypochondroid hemophyliacs you'll get an A, so don't be afraid to turn it in.

 

[letsnoobtehpwns]

As a reminder, it's for school so I'm not going to say "Awesome World" while writing about war, I'm in an average freshman class and most people in my class are border line retards and I don't really need to write the next Earth shattering poem, I just need to get a passing grade.

 

[bodyklok]

As a reminder, it's for school so I'm not going to say "Awesome World" while writing about war, I'm in an average freshman class and most people in my class are border line retards and I don't really need to write the next Earth shattering poem, I just need to get a passing grade.

That was supposed to be a deep and profound statment about societys concept of war.

 

[Sparrow]

Wait, wait. This is just that song isn't it? Mad World by... I dunno', sounds like REM if you ask me but, haven't you just copied that? Wait a tic, lemme' linkage...

Yeah, this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hW93CV6m-JU

NO idea who Gary Jules is though.

 

[Ago Iterum]

It doesn't seem very imaginative to me, and a couple of verses are irrelivent to others, but keep it up!

 

[MegaDale]

I know your young and trying but you need to make this more emotive to have a greater impact and therefore be actually good, consider using an arching story of one man seeing this everyday in a dystopia, then you will have yourself a poem.

Man do I sound like a teacher.

 

[bodyklok]

Hey everyone Rate my poem as well to tell me what you think.