I wrote this last month, and a few friends and people from another forum liked it. I'm not sure if this is the right place to post it, but if it's not, I'll take it down.
(I got the idea to post this from the 'Poetry' thread.)
It's a really short story, and the only writing that I've done that I actually like.
What are your thoughts, and how can I improve my writing?
(I got the idea to post this from the 'Poetry' thread.)
It's a really short story, and the only writing that I've done that I actually like.
-Love and Sorrow-
There, through the crowd, I saw her--her beauty as if lovely Venus herself were incarnated; and there began the start of an episode in life that brought sorrow for years.
Her name, I knew, but repeating it burns my heart, not out of hate, but for the pain that is memory. Mystified was I when I saw her first that I wished her mine, and so the next morning I called her name from that crowd and she gazed at me with her gentle eyes. We spoke of nothing interesting enough to write about here, but we became friends. As that friendship grew, we began to grow close; then, one day I saw her alone by a fountain with sadness engraved onto her face and I asked:
"Why does one so beautiful as you carry such sadness in her eyes?"
To which she replied that she awaited her love who had promised to return to her, though never has; and I to her--and this I recall most of all, for it was a joyous moment:
"Let me help you forget."
Then she and I kissed, thus beginning a love that to this day I believe shall never be forgotten.
A year had passed on and our love, like a garden of flowers, grew more beautiful. In days of snow, rain, or hail--I would walk through it all (and would through fire) if only to see her for an hour or two; for she lived further and we could only meet in secrecy.
Confident in our love, and at times alone, I would hope there were another whom I could love, and there was; she was closer, but our love (if it may be called so) did not last, as a consequence word went to her which this story is about and who is my first love, and like a garden in the winter, our love was gone.
O! Spring could not come sooner for when it did the garden grew anew and she had forgiven my foolish mistake.
Our lives went on for another year until, again, I was drawn to loneliness and yet another girl. That cycle repeated itself, and she again forgave me--what a great woman she is to forgive a fool who caused her a sorrow so great!
Lies started to spew from my mouth like a venomous snake and yet her love was the same; she did not care for any of that, for she only cared for my love. What a fool I was to think that she cared that if in my life I succeeded or failed. If only I were true to her.
Alas, how disloyal was I, for again...my love had taken the wrong turn and it went not to my love's door, but to another. This was not of any loss of love for her, but I felt myself able to do so, for what I feel towards her, to this day has not changed. I was caught.
For fear of losing her, my venom began to make its effect; and so I, with fear in my heart said to her:
"I am sorry, I know not what I do, and for you my love is always there: without it, I would die." Foolish was I to say this next part, "my life, I would take this moment if we are to be apart, but forever I will love you, and through the deepest part of Hell, for that is were I belong, will ask for your forgiveness."
There, standing beside a river we were at this time. Again I am stuck with no words to say for it brings me more pain than I can put into words; but she told me that she loved me and threw herself into the cold river where I could not reach, but only weep for my love that was gone--drowned in the icy river.
No more would grow in that garden which is love; and no more would I be able to feel the same for another, for with her she took my ability to feel such emotion with her.
Only in another life will I meet her again, for through Hell I shall walk to do so, if only for a glimpse. For now my life goes on and still I love her, though I deem myself unworthy of such a love that is so kind and pure.
As a bird, with her I flew through the sky, but alone with broken wings, my life's pace seems to slow as does the beating of my heart.
There, through the crowd, I saw her--her beauty as if lovely Venus herself were incarnated; and there began the start of an episode in life that brought sorrow for years.
Her name, I knew, but repeating it burns my heart, not out of hate, but for the pain that is memory. Mystified was I when I saw her first that I wished her mine, and so the next morning I called her name from that crowd and she gazed at me with her gentle eyes. We spoke of nothing interesting enough to write about here, but we became friends. As that friendship grew, we began to grow close; then, one day I saw her alone by a fountain with sadness engraved onto her face and I asked:
"Why does one so beautiful as you carry such sadness in her eyes?"
To which she replied that she awaited her love who had promised to return to her, though never has; and I to her--and this I recall most of all, for it was a joyous moment:
"Let me help you forget."
Then she and I kissed, thus beginning a love that to this day I believe shall never be forgotten.
A year had passed on and our love, like a garden of flowers, grew more beautiful. In days of snow, rain, or hail--I would walk through it all (and would through fire) if only to see her for an hour or two; for she lived further and we could only meet in secrecy.
Confident in our love, and at times alone, I would hope there were another whom I could love, and there was; she was closer, but our love (if it may be called so) did not last, as a consequence word went to her which this story is about and who is my first love, and like a garden in the winter, our love was gone.
O! Spring could not come sooner for when it did the garden grew anew and she had forgiven my foolish mistake.
Our lives went on for another year until, again, I was drawn to loneliness and yet another girl. That cycle repeated itself, and she again forgave me--what a great woman she is to forgive a fool who caused her a sorrow so great!
Lies started to spew from my mouth like a venomous snake and yet her love was the same; she did not care for any of that, for she only cared for my love. What a fool I was to think that she cared that if in my life I succeeded or failed. If only I were true to her.
Alas, how disloyal was I, for again...my love had taken the wrong turn and it went not to my love's door, but to another. This was not of any loss of love for her, but I felt myself able to do so, for what I feel towards her, to this day has not changed. I was caught.
For fear of losing her, my venom began to make its effect; and so I, with fear in my heart said to her:
"I am sorry, I know not what I do, and for you my love is always there: without it, I would die." Foolish was I to say this next part, "my life, I would take this moment if we are to be apart, but forever I will love you, and through the deepest part of Hell, for that is were I belong, will ask for your forgiveness."
There, standing beside a river we were at this time. Again I am stuck with no words to say for it brings me more pain than I can put into words; but she told me that she loved me and threw herself into the cold river where I could not reach, but only weep for my love that was gone--drowned in the icy river.
No more would grow in that garden which is love; and no more would I be able to feel the same for another, for with her she took my ability to feel such emotion with her.
Only in another life will I meet her again, for through Hell I shall walk to do so, if only for a glimpse. For now my life goes on and still I love her, though I deem myself unworthy of such a love that is so kind and pure.
As a bird, with her I flew through the sky, but alone with broken wings, my life's pace seems to slow as does the beating of my heart.
What are your thoughts, and how can I improve my writing?
