For those who weren't aware, Steven Seagal, like most B-Celebrities, has his own energy drink that goes by the appropriately cliche name, LIGHTNING BOLT. The chances of you liking it is about the same as being struck by one. Or two.
Lightning Bolt currently comes in two different flavors: Cherry Charge and (get ready for this one) Asian Experience. Yes. Asian Experience. You can make your own joke for that.
Now, you're probably asking why in god's name I tried a Steven Seagal energy drink.
His portrait on the can was eyeing me and my dad like a snake. I advised him against it - no, PLEADED him against it, but Asian Experience proved far too enticing for his small will. The snake had fooled again and it's venom was in the can.
I could tell by the squint in his eye and scrunch in his face that it wasn't good. Disgusted groans escaped his maw like bats out of a cave.
Of course, you know what that meant I had to do.
"Hey, let me try that."
There's a reason those are last words for many. I certainly regreted them.
As the devil's brew punishingly slithered past my throat I could actually feel myself getting less and less healthier, contradicting Seagal's promise of a 'Long Lasting Energy Elixir'. The aftertaste was worse. I actually had a splitting headache the rest of the day because of the damned stuff.
What evil cauldron of woe and despair had Seagal concocted? The only conclusion I could reach was that he had personally pissed in each can as a cruel joke to any idiot willing to buy the stuff.
"First energy drink to be made of 100% juice."
So, there you have it. 100% Juice... And Steven Seagal's bodily waste.
So, In conclusion...
Fuck Steven Seagal. I hope he falls in a ditch, that stupid idiot bastard.
-Castrate the Heathen, 9-21-08
