Twilight: A Parody
WELCOME TO TORKS! POPULATION 444444.
We drove past a sign that ushered us into the crappy little town of Torks. I had no idea what a Tork was, but it sounded lame anyway. The sign was electrical and clearly not counting the population properly, unless Torks was hiding some sort of labour-camp nearby. Damn. That's a creepy thought. Creepy thoughts made me wet my pants, so I stopped and looked out the window with a bored expression, gazing into the reflection of my own eyes. A young girl was looking back at me, that girl was me. Tracy Wu. She was Caucasian, long red hair, and freckles all over her expression of indifference. That or she was grimacing. You know. The kind of grimace when you're trying to squeeze a crafty little fart out, but are holding back a little because you can't discern if it's just air, or there's a little brown snake going to follow it. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that Wu is not an American name. I've never bothered to ask my mom why Wu is our last name when everyone I know in our family is white. Of course, I never really cared because that sort of stuff is just so below me, anyway.
The car was now going past stores and people, all of them were definitely looking at us cause we're new. Definitely at us. Well, just because their eyes aren't pointed in our direction doesn't mean they're not looking at us!!
A big, fat, naked guy ran past screaming 'WOO!' followed by several other naked guys all shouting 'TOGA! TOGA!'. I wondered if Toga was the fat guy's name. Oh well. I guess I'll never know. That, or I will know. I wonder what will come first, never finding out or finding out? ... The thought quickly escaped by mind as the car stopped. We were outside a pretty old house, thought it was well restored. It was my dad's place alright. I got out of the car as he came clambering out of the house. Okay, the first thing is, my dad is black. I know. My mum married him when I was two years old, and persists that he's my biological father. It could happen. But somehow I doubted it. Such complex thought wasn't meant for awesome people like me anyway.
"hey, baby" he said, and I swear he meant it to be serious. He didn't impersonate the Fonz at all. Seriously. That was just something he said. My dad wrapped his strong arms around me and as my face was forced into his red sweater I realised he smelled like eggs. Which was strange because he usually smelled like bacon. His musk of meat as he always called it. Whatever that meant.
He finally released his deathgrip that was a hug and let me stumble inside as I slowly managed to get air back into my body. Goddamn. The house was bright and well furnished. Everything about it said that he was either a middle-class guy who knew where to get fancy looking things, or he was a rich guy who was a complete tight fisted idiot. I opted for the second one even thought I knew the first was closer to the truth.
I sat myself down on the couch and looked to the TV's big, dark screen that was like an abyss made of glass. I looked at the image reflected on it. A little fat girl with ginger hair. I tried to pretend she wasn't me, but then I stopped. Every time I saw my own reflection and imagined it was just someone else, I'd swear that I could see her little lips moving to say 'you bastard.'
My dad came in, shutting the door behind him "Well, your mom's gone now. Say! It's getting late!" It was 9:30pm "Well, you should go to bed now. You got school in the morning remember!" I can't believe how quickly he managed to get me into that damn highschool. I was sure the administrative procedure would take longer than that. ow! My brain! That word was too long. Note to self: Only use big words when writing, so that you appear smarter and so that you take up more space on the page to make it seem like you've done more work. Ha ha. I love the thesaurus.
Without questioning my father I decided to go upstairs. I reached the hall and could see the bathroom door was left open. That toilet was sitting there grinning at me. I had no idea why I picture the toilet as a living thing. I blame that weird nightmare I had where the toilet tried to bite my fingers off because I wouldn't deliver 400 pounds of grated cheese to a specific address for him. It was weird.
I turned right and went into my room, it was awesome. It was covered in paint, like walls normally have, except this paint was special because it was pink and MY paint. Obviously, anything that belongs to me is instantly awesome... obviously.
I sat on the white sheets on the bed and picked up a little Pikachu toy I had sitting there. Pikachu, I always thought, must have been incredibly stupid. He or she, what ever the fuck Pikachu is, is always so happy! It's like, dude! You look like solidified urine! WITH EYES!
Anyway, I threw it to the other side of the room and sighed because everything sucks when you're as awesome as I am. Because that's how I roll. I fell asleep pretty quickly and had a strange dream. No, not the cheese dream, a different one.
A man wearing a ridiculous haircut that looked like a tidal wave of brown hair came to me. He was wearing a black shirt and dark trousers, but, what was weird is that he was so pale! Like seriously, seriously, pale. I asked him,
"what are you, like a goth dude or something. Cause you're pretty lame for a goth dude."
"I'm dangerous... 'n' stuff." He replied.
Then I woke up.
"what the fuck kind of dream was that!?" I asked myself.
After half an hour I had successfully managed to negotiate my fat ass in and out of the shower and was now dressed, heading downstairs for breakfast.
The kitchen was filled with the smell of bacon and eggs. Either my dad had been cooking himself or breakfast was ready. I sat myself down at the table, before a plate and some cutlery, ready for my food. My dad came in, went to the cooker, paused and said, "your breakfast's burning" then he simply walked into the living room to watch some morning TV.
"what!?"
"your breakfast," he said again, "it's about to go on fire." and indeed it was. I hurried to the frying pan and saw bacon shriveling along side an egg all drowning in the bubbling oil that hissed at my constantly.
"OW!" I shouted as some of the fat jumped onto my arm, burning me. I quickly fetched a spatula and scooped up the bacon, ran over to the plate and placed the bacon on it, I then did the same with the egg. Turned the cooker off and sat to enjoy my well-done breakfast. I picked up the bacon (it was too crispy to do anything else with it) and took a bite. It crunched loudly, and most of it broke in my hand. Worst of all it tasted disgusting.
"You'll be late for school" said my dad as he sat watching a cartoon. So I left my breakfast where it was, got my bag from the couch, said goodbye and left the house.
Then I went back in. Got the car keys. Went back out.
I opened the car door and sat inside. The soft leather of the seat caressing my backside, the awesome steering wheel in all of it's circular goodness. The gearstick standing erect, ready to be violently bashed into every angle. Ah! The thrill of driving! Then I saw my dad. In his dressing gown. Coming to the car door.
"You're not driving. You know that. Get the fuck out." He opened the door and I got out, then opened the door to get into the back seats and sat comfortably. My dad, was now asking for the keys, which I gave him, and he put the car into gear, slammed the door shut, and we sped off! At 20 miles per hour. Torks had pretty strict speed limits.
"So dad... You're not working today?" I asked the back of his head,
"Nah. I get today off. So I'm going to do what any upstanding, male citizen of Torks would do on his one day off in the month ... and sit around getting drunk, watching kids TV and eating kids Cereal." He laughed heartily, though I didn't share his amusement.
"You excited about your first day of school then?" He asked me,
"of course not. I'm not ready. I think I'm sick. I can't go. I have..." I had to think quick, what was a common illness people got? Of course! "The ebola virus."
"Well, you can share Ebola with all the friends you'll be making at school. You see, you havn't even met them yet and you know you'll all have commonalities!"
The car screeched to a halt and my face was pushed into the back of the driver's seat.
"Should have worn a seat belt." Said dad.
"What ever, chuck." I said as I got out the car, and headed towards the school.
"HEYYY!" My dad shouted, I turned and was met with a heavy item hitting my face, hard. "Forgot your bag." he said as he drove away laughing along with a couple of bystanders. Yeah. Slapstick. My least favourite form of comedy. Sarcasm was the only true form of comedy. That and being awesome. Totally awesome.
I went inside, and followed the signs to reception. I asked the old woman what the hell I was supposed to do. She looked at me and handed me a timetable, then told me to fuck off. Okay, she didn't. But I wish she did, then I'd have an excuse to hate her stupid face!
According to the sheet, my first class was chemistry. But obviously, I had no idea where I was going. I walked down a hall, took a couple of turns. Had no idea where I was going, and saw a guy! I grabbed his arm and said
"Hey, listen, where the fuck's Chemistry. Room... 1-11... I'm fucking lost, dude."
The guy gave a perplexed look, and pointed over my shoulder, "... right behind you..." the then walked off, with a quicker pace than he had before. I turned and saw that yes, 1-11 was right behind me and beyond the glass of the door, the teacher, looking back at me. I walked in and noticed I was very late.
The teacher was a pretty young man with a light, brown beard, wearing a lab-coat and black trousers. He spoke with a loud voice,
"Tracy... Wu?" I could see he didn't believe the name. Fuck.
"Yeah. I know, the name... It's a long story." It really wasn't. Someone slept with someone. What's long about that? Man, I'm lazy.
"Well, take that seat there next to Jed." He pointed to the only empty seat next to a young man with stupid hair. THAT hair! It was him! He was in my fucking dream! Now that is seriously messed up.
I sat next to him awkwardly and a strange expression hit his face: He looked like he was going to puke. He better not puke on my sweet-ass-bag. My bag really is too good for his vomit. I'd rather someone like Brad Pitt would vomit on my bag... ah... Brad Pitt.
"Hi..." I said to 'Jed', surely that was a nickname, what a stupid nickname. He didn't really reply. He just sort of... nodded with a weird smile that hid his teeth, like he was holding something in his mouth. What was wrong with this kid?!
"Are you okay? You like kind of..." I couldn't finish my sentence. I didn't have a word for how he looked. He was so hot though! Even though he was creeping me the fuck out. Hot-Creep. I don't know... Suddenly, he darted out of his seat and left the class room... I sniffed my armpit. I smelled okay, so it wasn't me. Maybe I smell like bacon. Some people don't really like the smell of bacon.
A few hours later and it was my favourite time: lunch time, baby! I had gotten my favourite thing to have for lunch, too! Pizza! What a day! I took a seat at an empty table and began to eat the delicious, cheese covered, food. Mmm. But then my eating was interrupted my some weird Asian kid. He was like hyper-active. Jumping around all over the place, and talking really fast
"hi, hi, hi! You must be Tracy right? Tracy Wu? The new kid?"
"Uhm... yeah. Hi." I replied, he sat down and continued to speak,
"Man, I thought you were Asian."
"So did my teacher." He laughed and then was joined by four other people. Two girls, two boys. All of them were like totally hot, too. Did this school practice plastic surgery or something? Even their teeth were perfectly white. Of course, they weren't as awesome as me because I'm the main character. I mean, I'm just better. Yeah.
They all took a seat and began talking as if I was part of their group,
"say, new girl, you wanna come with us to the beach!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?" Exclaimed the hyper-kid, whose name, I learned, was Kevin.
"yeah! You should come!" agreed the blond girl, Stacey. And together they all agreed. They were so happy. And beautiful. And happy. I was scared they were going to tell me they worship comets and try to convince me to drink punch with them. Weirdos.
"Okay, sure I'll come." I replied, because obviously I was going to go. If I didn't that wouldn't be very interesting. Also it means I get to go out and do things. Outside. Or something. I'm not really sure.
A few more hours later and we were finished with the school day. Finally out of that weird school. Everyone was staring at me all day. Probably because I'm totally hot 'n' stuff. Like really awesome and they just were so captivated by how extremely amazing I am.
Across the parking lot I saw my dads car, but he wasn't in it. He probably got bored waiting and went to get a doughnut or something. I heard there was a Cafe near here. Somewhere. He probably left the doors unlocked because he mega-trusts everyone because he's an idiot like that.
I tried the door, and yes, it opened. But I closed it again when I heard those pretty-people from lunch shouting on me. I turned and saw them waving, so I waved too. Then I heard it! Screeching coming from a car that was frantically out of control and heading straight for me! The car began to spin and I heard a loud bang and closed my eyes. I opened them and saw the car was stopped. I saw that freaky hot kid from Chemistry with his hand on the car, crouched down, and his other hand on my dad's.
"You stopped the car?! With sheer strength?" I asked him, just loud enough for him to hear, or so I thought.
"Yeah, I totally did." Then the driver of the car spoke, it was that crazy hyper-Asian kid! What the fuck was wrong with that guy!? Should he even be allowed to drive?
"No, Jeddy, you didn't stop the car... I jus' have really good brakes."
"Then what about this totally sweet dent I put in the side here with my hand when I totally did stop the car?"
"That was already there, remember. Fuckin' freak." Then the car sped off.
"'sup, I'm ..." He paused,
"Yeah?" I said,
"I don't really like my name.."
"Oh, go on."
"It's... Jedward. Jedward Bullen."
"Oh. Now I understand."
"You goin' to the beach today? That's where all the cool kids go. The beach. At night. To do... stuff." I could see the he was puffing up his chest and trying to make himself appear ... I don't know... Manlier? "I'm goin' to the beach anyway cause I'm totally one of the toally awesome, totally hot, totally totally, totally cool kids. Totally."
"Okay."
That night was weird. We all went to the beach and it was fucking cold! You don't go to the beach when it's cold! You go when it's hot! That's why there's sand there. These kids were idiots! Obviously, I was the only smart one because I'm fucking awesome that way. Obviously...
Stacey, the stupid blond ***** that she is, spoke, "So Bella! I mean!" All of her friends, which were now mine too because everyone loves me, gave her weird, angry looks then she corrected herself, "I meant Tracy." She smiled and laughed, "So, I'd like you to meet Jacob! He's totally awesome and totally not a monster like a werewolf or a fucking gay vampire!" she laughed with all of her friends, but Jacob and Jedward exchanged strange glances with weak smiles. Were they gay? Was that it? Were they offended by her saying 'gay vampire'. Maybe that was a weird type of slang in Torks. Messed up town.
"So we all like to make fun of Jacob because he's on a special register!"
"What do you mean?"
"She's kidding. Really. It's Jedward that fucked the pig."
"WHAT!?"
"Don't listen to him. He's just fooling around, I never fucked his mom, it was his dad."
"SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK GUYS!?!?" My words were drowned over their insecant laughter. But then Jedward, who had somehow gotten behind me, whispered into my ear, "Meet me by the big rock."
And I replied, "what rock? There's a lot of rocks."
"The one that looks like a giant... Well... you'll know when you see it."
Then Jacob came over to me and lead me off to the water with a weird fucking smirk on his face as he winked to everyone. I was getting pretty scared right then. We stood, watching the waters and I just had to ask him
"So, what's happened between you and Jedward..."
"What do you mean? What are you implying?"
"Nothing! It's just... I see the way you look at him and--"
"We were drunk alright! Things got outta hand, we didn't know what we were doin'..."
"Jesus! I just meant. Forget it."
"Look at him, that fucking poser." He nodded in the direction of a big rock, that was shaped like a man's... then I saw Jedward on top of it, sitting with one knee higher than the other, watching the horizon like some ponce from a explorer's magazine.
"He thinks he's so hot just because he's a..."
"A what?"
"An... an alcoholic! Yeah, he's had problems with coping and stuff. He drowns his alcoholic sorrows with more alcohol. It's really bad. Maybe you should go talk to him."
The Jacob just left me there. What a dick! ... a hot one though. Another hot guy in the town. Seriously, what the hell. Alright, I went over to cock-rock and climb up it, and took a seat next to Jedward.
"Hi."
"Hi."
And that was all he fucking said to me! I got bored after 40 minutes and went home like everyone else while he just sat there. That guy must have some issues. Alcoholics are creepy. Mainly that one.
Later that night I was on my bed, thinking about the day. What a weird day it was. I noticed my window was open and letting in a cold wind, so I decided to shut it. I walked over to the window and was about to close it when I swear I could see Jedward running away, down the street. Running from what I wonder. Then I saw a small, golden chain on the roof of the porch, just ouside my window. I reached out to get it, couldn't quite make it. I stretched. Still not. Stretched some more. Then slipped. I rolled forward and fell. It was a pretty quiet fall, considering. I had landed into the garden and was somehow okay. That's just how awesome I clearly am. I could still see Jedward running -- how slow was that guy? -- Luckily, I was still wearing my clothes, so I decided to go after him, like a smart person would do. Maybe I could find out why he didn't talk to me earlier when I was right next to him. I ran, and ran, and ran, and then realised I didn't know my way about Torks. I got lost pretty easly, and after 10 minutes I was completely fucked. I was in some place, I think it was a car park. Then as if out of nowhere four men come up to me in hoods with knives
"Haha. I bet you're made of bacon!"
"What?"
"Yeah. Bacon!"
"Seriously, I'm confused."
"Look, we just got told to say some generic bullying shit and we'd get paid. Then he's supposed to come and pretend to beat us up and everyone goes home happy."
"who's paying you?"
"A guy called--" he was interrupted by a silver car ramming into his side. All four of the men were knocked down like bowling pins. Jedward came out of the car,
"Get in! Quick!"
... I felt like I had to. I didn't want to get on this guy's bad side. He clearly had no morals. And he still had the same stupid hair-do.
The car was driving through town "Yeah, I'm pretty bad-ass. Look, I'm breaking the speed limit."
I looked and indeed he was breaking it. He was going at 21mp/h. 1 over. Wow. Incredible.
"So... those guys..."
"Yeah, I totally saved you from them. They looked like they were going to rape you!"
"It looked to me like you killed them."
"Nah, they'll die in the hospital, more likely."
This guy was really scaring me now. A lot. A lot!!!
"Okay." I noticed we were surrounded by forest... "Where are we?"
"We're going back to my totally sweet, awesome mansion filled with expensive stuff. And a piano."
"Yeah but do you have--"
"We totally got sausage and bacon and eggs and lots of meat. But we don't eat it because we're vegitarians."
When we arrived it was actually a nice, huge, house. I was half-expecting a carboard box. But this was really nice. Big windows, all very modern looking. It was beautiful! I just wanted to go inside! We walked up to the door and Jedward pressed the buzzer, and we heard a little voice. A stereotypical camp voice. Of all the accents...
"Whatsth the pathword?"
"It's..."
"Just say the password, Jed." I said
"The password is HAPPY-DOO-LALLY-I-LOVE-APPLES!"
"that's the fucking password?!"
"Yeah. But it's all dark because we're --"
The door opened and we entered, greeted by a man who looked about thirty years older than Jedward but somehow more attractive.
"Where is everyone?" Jedward asked the man and he replied with that camp voice with the slight lisp
"Playing bathe-ball."
"'Kay, we're going to my room now."
He lead me upstairs with the otherman watching my every move. I felt weird. These people freaked me out. Were they mormons?
When we reached the room it was filled with toys and scooby-doo wallpaper.
"This is your room...?"
"Totally fuckin' sweet, isn't it." He said as he sat down on a bean bag, "Bet you wish you had all this sweet ass shit, huh?"
"... No."
"So you wanna know something cool?"
"what?"
"I just farted, that's what." I was begining to think Jedward was 'special.' Then he stood and grabbed my arm and pulled me to the window, opened the window and said,
"hold on to me." I did as he said with my arms around his neck, tighter than was nessecery. Then something weird happened. He jumped out of the window!! I was terrifyed, I screamed and the asshole laughed! Next thing I knew we were gliding through the air.
"what the fuck!?" I shouted, as we bounced off of trees. Jedward landed to the forest floor and began to run with me just barely able to hold on, the speed was incredible, like a big, stupid, egomanical, locomotive, he sped off up the hill. Then he stopped at a clearing. There were a couple of rocks being bathed in a beam of sunlight. I got off of Jedward's back, feeling like I was going to throw up,
"Why'd you stop?" I asked,
"The sun."
"It's just light dude."
"The truth is... I'm a ... No! I can't tell you!"
"Tell me."
"No. It's too hurtful. I don't wanna scare you away!"
"Say it."
"No!"
"Say it!"
"I'm a vampire!"
".... Awesome. Prove it. OH! That's why you could do all that jumping stuff right? Oh! That's why you can't go in the sun! Cause you'll die."
"What? Die? No, I can't die. It's my curse."
"Sounds like a blessing to me."
"I'll show you... my true form! If I go into the light it reveals itself!"
"Oh, I see. You go all fucked up and monstrous cause of the sun, Okay, I can buy that. Show me."
He walked on the brink of the light, "You ready for this?"
"Hell yeah!" I shouted, and he stepped into the light. Nothing happened. Weird. He tore his shirt off for some reason, and I assumed something cool was about to happen, he snapped round to look at me. I couldn't believe it. His skin... was sparkling!? What the hell.
"Uhm.."
"This is the skin of a killer...I'm a monster!"
"I'm pretty sure that's the skin of Gary Glitter..."
"I'm a hideous freak!" He jogged away, I knew he wanted me to chase him. I walked over and still managed to keep up with him. He stopped and turned,
"Somehow I think I'm hungry. FOR BLOOD!"
"It's not working."
"Sorry."
We walked back to his house, not talking, and when we returned, I was to meet the rest of his family. Actually, they were okay. I forget their names, I just know that they were okay. Not as weird as Jedward.
We even played baseball.
Then three people showed up! Vampires! Bad ones! That eat people 'n' stuff. I wasn't intimidated. All they did was hiss at us and then leave. Seriously.
A week later, and I hadn't seen Jedward for a while. Then during lunch he shows up and asks me to the prom, which was tomorrow! I said fine, I figured I'd humiliated him enough with the whole glittering thing. He ran off like a happy little girl. Skipping and jumping and laughing. I wish I was kidding. I really do.
That night I was filled with a weird feeling. Probably all the orange juice I'd been drinking. And when Jedward came to pick me up, he actually looked like a normal guy. I knew he wasn't, and my dad knew he wasn't the moment he opened his stupid mouth and asked him 'pull my finger?' I hurried us both out of the house and into Jedward's car. Then we drove off to the school. And well. We danced. Had some drinks, some laughs. Next thing I knew... I was in a hospital bed!
Jedward was there with me and instantly I knew he was somehow responsible, "Listen, Tracy, Some evil vampires attacked us. And then we tried to fight them off. And then it didn't work! And then I was all like 'Ahh! Take that!' but he was too strong. I totally kicked his ass though. Oh by the way... Uhm... One of them kind of bit you. I was going to help but Eric Thimpson, the kid from my woodshop class, had his Nintendo DS with him and let me play with his virtual dog. It was fun. I called it fluffy and made it roll over and--"
"Jedward. Keep on track."
"And so like, yeah. You were bitten. And now you're doomed to walk the earth forever as a vampire."
"I can live with that."
"but you sparkle!"
"... But I live forever and can't die."
"but you sparkle!"
After an hour of Jedward saying 'but you sparkle!' after everything I said, he got bored and left. Seriously. His exact words were 'I'm bored. Want a taco? I'm gonna get a pepsi. I love dogs.' Then a strange woman came in. She was a little overweight and carried herself with the kind of self-importance that only comes with a complete ass.
"Hi!" She said, "My name is ... Stephanie.. Nyer! Stephanie Nyer, that's it! KICK ME IN THE FUCKING TEETH!"
END.
