Problem with a friend

[Phlakes]

Okay, so, instead of bringing the usual "need halp wit talk 2 gurl" thread (which even I've done before), I have a different problem. One of my female friends, who is like a cousin to me, probably, like 85-90% sure, fancies me. In fact, I think she just broke up with her boyfriend for me. This wouldn't necessarily be much of a problem, although I wouldn't be interested in making anything out of it, but for a while I've been talking to her about the person of my interest who is one of her closest friends. Now, that's happened to me before so I know what she would be going through, but I have no idea how to resolve this. I'd stop talking to her about it but she's basically my only chance at getting with the other one. So, if any of you have been through something similar, or if you just have some advice, that would be useful.

 

[BonsaiK]

If she already knows that you like her friend, because you told her, what makes you think that she would go for you instead of heeding the likelihood of a rejection?

Obviously if she says something about it, tell her how you feel, but to be honest I doubt this is even going to become an issue. Just be straight-up, but not an asshole about it, and you should be fine.

 

[EmzOLV]

Hmm, it's always going to be complicated when you risk hurting someone's feelings. To be fair though, a lot of friends always end up fancying each other in the end and it becomes messy.

I guess my advice is, you can't just stop everything with this girl (the best friend) because she's going to notice, and that's horrible. Continue as normal, and see if she brings it up or makes a move. If she does, apologise and just explain that you don't share the same feelings as her. Simple as. She would have made the move without knowing whether it would be reciprocated or not and people do get let down.

As for how you get to this other girl, its not completely fair to go completely through your best mate to do this (Even though that's probably how you met). Try and talk to her in person either at a group outing or meet up, or find her on facebook and make your own initial contact with her. Then your best friend who might fancy you doesn't have to hear about it anymore at all. Then you can make your own move on her *shrug*

That's just what I would do anyway! I know things are never that black and white but good luck anyway ^^ let us know how it goes!

 

[SiskoBlue]

Hmmm. I've been in this situation. Twice as the person being fancied, and quite a few times as the "friend-zoned" guy.

The one thing I've noticed over and over and over again, without fail. When the penny finally drops and the person realises that there really, really is NO chance of a relationship happening,... they get bitter. Few things sting more than realising you've being fooling yourself. And once you get over that you start noticing how much energy you were putting into the relationship, and how little they did. But of course that's not THEIR fault, they always said they weren't interested. But you remember. All the times you did what they wanted and not what you wanted to do. All the times you made the effort to call them, email them, go to their house, buy them presents. And how that compares to all the times they didn't do these things for you.

Resentment. As I said I've been on both sides so I know how unfair it is to be resented when you've done nothing wrong, and also how hard it is NOT to resent the person you've been pursuing.

Right now, even though you're talking about this other girl, she thinks she's got a chance to be with you. That you'll one day realise that she's the one for you. If you're 85%-90% sure she fancies you, then 100% sure she does. Right now she'll put up with anything from you. Including talking about being in love with other women. The only things that hurt her is anything you say to her which ruins her dream of being with you. Like "You're like my big sister". That's always great to hear from someone you're having fantasies about.

A good lithmus test for yourself is figure out how often you call/text/email her, and how often she does for you. Who initiates conversations. Do you find yourself talking a lot about yourself to her. Who's doing the legwork in your friendship.

If you're not interested in having that kind of relationship with her the best and kindest thing to do is to either start distancing yourself (which will probably upset her unless you have a good explanation), or have "the conversation" and then take a break from each other. And that conversation is awful but goes "I get the feeling you'd like us to be more than friends. If that's true then it's cruel for us to hang out when I don't feel the same way....blah blah blah....we'll always be friends". Which is bollocks but everybody always says it.

Right now if you start dating this other girl, and she has her realisation that you're not interested in her, and that you possibly "used" her, just remember "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". There's a reason why it's a saying.