Problems with my (ex) girlfriend

[theotakuoverlord]

So I've been going out with this girl for a year now and I really love her. I've had girlfriends in the past but I've never really "clicked" with them on an emotional level. I'm a really emotional person and I tend to get really emotionally invested in my relationships.

On Saturday, I talked to her on the phone and everything seemed fine, but a few hours later, she texted me saying she wanted to be single for a while because she needed "space". I'm not proud of it but I really lost my cool and while we'd certainly had worse arguments, it reached breaking point and we split up, with a promise that we'd stay friends but with us probably getting back together in a few days time after we'd calmed down.

Well I screwed that up magnificently. In a stupid fit of suspicion, I hacked into her facebook account to look at her messages thinking she was cheating on me. She wasn't, but when she found out, she basically said she hated me at that moment and that she wanted to get back together today before this happened.

I feel so shit, and I'm not pretending that I'm anything other than the bad guy in this situation, but I love her so much and there's definitely still feelings between us. I'm kind of afraid I might self-harm if this doesn't end well.

TL;DR : I made a really bad mistake and lost my girlfriends trust. How am I supposed to show her that there's still a chance for us, or at the very least, how am I meant to stay friends with someone when there's still so much emotion involved?

 

[Lionsfan]

Well at least you admitted what you did was wrong. Cliched or not admitting the problem is the first step. I would give her a gift or something and let her know how sorry you are. At that point you need to back off and let her decide, it's her choice after all and if you're putting pressure on her it's likely she would resent you for being overbearing and choose to not trust you again/stop being friends.

And if the worse comes up, ie she wants to stay separate, then you're going to have to find a way to let her go. As much as it hurts you can't force her to change her mind, you would probably regret making her justify her decision if you flipped out.

Finally, if you are having thoughts about harming yourself don't come back here for advice. Everyone is nice enough and it's not for a lack of caring, but in those cases it's always better to seek out professional's help on it.

Best of luck to you, hope everything turns out ok.

 

[ExileNZ]

You're pretty much limited in your options there, but Lionsfan is right - admit you were the bad guy here. Maybe she'll cool off and forgive you - my girlfriend and I had an argument over her searching through my e-mails for signs of cheating but I got over it and now she's my wife.

But you need to also think about why you broke up, why you needed space, what else was going on etc.

Unless she's done something worse, you're pretty much in the dog box until she forgives you for that.

EDIT: Sorry, why SHE needed space.

 

[theotakuoverlord]

Okay, so we had a big talk about it, and we decided that for a while, we're just going to be friends, but not seeing anyone else until she's decided.

As for why she needed space, I'm not sure, but we are talking (which is probably a good start) and I'm just going to try to be as nice as possible and give her the space she needs. Frankly, I'm still depressed though.

 

[Lionsfan]

Well you've done all you can do right now, I mean the best thing to do is just keep doing what you're doing, just keep it cool and give her the appropriate amount of space. It's a old saying but it's still true, Time Heals All Wounds. As long as you stay calm and let her work this out on her own, eventually she should be able to trust you again.

Good Luck!

 

[Zaverexus]

How am I supposed to show her that there's still a chance for us, or at the very least, how am I meant to stay friends with someone when there's still so much emotion involved?

I would recommend at this point not trying to get back together for a few reasons:

-She said she wanted to be single for a while. In my experience this usually means that either a) she is playing games with you: she wants to jerk you around and is testing what she can get away with or b) she isn't really interested in the relationship, but doesn't want to completely break it off for one reason or another.
-You hacked into her Facebook. Plainly this was a mistake, as you admit, but now she is always going to be suspicious of that. It sucks, but its not something that can be undone, and now she knows its something you're willing to do. Without total trust on both sides (that means not having to check her Facebook) it not only won't work, but its probably not healthy either, for either of you.
-Are you sure you want to get back together with this girl? She was already trying to break it off, if even for a few days at a time, and keeping you on the ropes to pull you back when she wanted; and then you apparently couldn't trust her enough to not hack her Facebook. I can't tell you whats best, but you should at least think about it.

I'm kind of afraid I might self-harm if this doesn't end well.

Don't say that. No matter what, no break up is worth physically harming yourself. It may feel bad, but give it time and, speaking from experience, you will always get over it; but you may never get the chance if you hurt yourself or worse.

 

[Fawcks]

My (ex) fiance needed space once.

Then she moved to California and I never saw her again. :c

 

[TheLoneBeet]

You're probably better off just not thinking about it. Apologize and then let it go. It'll work out better no matter what decision she makes. If she forgives you; great. If not; at least you won't be so concerned.

In my experience the whole "let's stay friends" thing doesn't work. Because whichever one of you got dumped is going to feel horrible watching the other person move on while you still have feelings. The easiest way to get past it is by not seeing them.

To end on a happy note, I once heard something that always makes me feel better whenever one of my relationships have come to a close. "You either always love them, or never loved them at all." I've been in relationships and felt like the girl meant the world to me and all that cliche stuff, but then it ended, and within a few months I didn't really care. It's just a good feeling to know that you weren't meant to be and to have some proof of that.

 

[Dissolve]

It's pretty much unanimous, just say to her exactly what you said to us. Admit that what you did was wrong and apologize. Even if you don't do anything else, just learn from this experience. Never prod around in anyone's private business.*

*Unless you're Lulsec

 

[Troublesome Lagomorph]

Uh oh... Shouldn't have hacked her. This might not be able to fix. She's probably going to figure you'll be a suspicious person from now on and move on.

 

[thecatsme0w]

Speaking as a girl here, if a guy I was dating ever hacked my email/facebook you name it, I'd probably never trust him again. Now once during an internet outtage at my place, I did call my boyfriend and had him log into my email and read me emails over the phone. But that was with my permission and my consent.

she said she needed space, yea? Give her space. Don't call, don't talk, don't "like" whatever she posts on facebook. For a couple of weeks. See how you feel after that. See how SHE feels after some actual space. Re-evaluate from there.