Spoilers follow for the August 11th episode of Raw.
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First and foremost: R.I.P. Robin Williams. The news of his death put a pretty big damper on Raw. But I have a job -- well, I'm not getting paid, but it feels like a job -- to do. So let's do this. Keep his family in your thoughts tonight. Maybe watch your favorite Robin Williams movie after. I think I'm due for a re-watch of Good Will Hunting.
It's Hulk Hogan's birthday celebration tonight. He's, what, 61? Yes, he's 61. This is also the go-home Raw before SummerSlam. So, expect lots of story stuff. Raw kicks off with Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar. Heyman goes through Lesnar's accomplishments in WWE. He then hypes up SummerSlam. He also claims that when Cena beat him last time, Lesnar was only at 50%. And Lesnar dominated that match! They're doing a good job at building Lesnar. Heyman then "raps," which is just awesome. Lesnar does a mic drop, but Lesnar has him pick it back up so that Heyman can remind us that this is now "Brock's house."
Roman Reigns vs. RybAxel (Ryback and Curtis Axel)
After Reigns makes his entrance, Kane's entrance hits. He gave up his mask last week. Will he be playing Jacob Goodnight now? No. He's just back to Director of Operations, Corporate Kane. It's been like four months since he put on the mask again.
He announces that Reigns will have a handicap match against RybAxel, a team that hasn't even one a fifth of its matches in the last year. And with how protected Reigns has been from a booking perspective, this match seems like a foregone conclusion, assuming it gets a true finish.
The match is slow and nothing special. Roman Reigns did do a suplex, though, which means he learned a new move. I can't help but wonder if he saw Eva Marie on NXT pull one or two suplexes out and copied her. Regardless, he hit one here. After a mostly uneventful match, RybAxel finds themselves beating on Reigns outside the ring. It a DQ loss for RybAxel, as they didn't stop using the ring post to hurt Reigns. They then took Reigns into the ring to continue the beatdown, but Reigns counters and then takes them both out. Because he's Roman Reigns.
Match Rating: *1/2
Renee Young interviews Reigns in the ring afterward. He's not afraid of Randy Orton. After a terrible job on the mic, Orton catches Kane backstage. Kane tells Orton he's in a match against Sheamus tonight.
Rob Van Dam vs. Seth Rollins
This is a match we were supposed to get last week. Instead, we got to see Heath Slater pick up a Raw victory, which was probably even better. We've seen this singles match on two Raws before, and they've been perfectly fine, maybe even good. Van Dam dominates a good chunk of this match, which seemed a little weird. Rollins is the man whom the WWE is pushing. He wins with just a few moves. RVD dominates, Rollins gets a counter and curb stomp for the win. Uh, what? This was the worst of the three singles matches these two have shared.
Match Rating: **
It turns out that what we're really here for is the post-match antics of Seth Rollins. He approaches the presents for Hulk Hogan that are on the stage, thinking Dean Ambrose is inside one of them. He stands in front of one of them for a while, then laughs about how silly he looked. As he walks away, Ambrose jumps out from it and chases Rollins into the crowd. Ambrose then hypes their SummerSlam match.
Stephanie McMahon is out after the commercial break to make a confession to Brie Bella. First, she brings out Daniel Bryan's physical therapist, MEgan. It's not Stephanie making the confession; it's the therapist. The therapist claims that she's been having an affair with Bryan. Brie Bella storms the ring. She slaps Megan -- will she, too, go to jail? -- and then attacks Stephanie. She gets Stephanie in a Yes Lock before security breaks them up. Stephanie gets a mic as Brie is being dragged to the back. She says they're not waiting until SummerSlam. They're going to finish this tonight.
Somehow, I doubt it.
Jack Swagger (with Zeb Colter) vs. Cesaro
A rematch from two Smackdowns ago. And from that feud a little while back. The Smackdown match was pretty good. This one is pretty good, too. These two men know each other really well, and that allows for a match that flows wonderfully and is pretty entertaining. The only thing that slows it down is the constant stream of abdominal stretches employed by Cesaro, as he worked over the injured ribs of Swagger. But that's fine. Working a body part is rare and it's good to see. Seriously, though, this match is a reminder of how good Swagger can be and how poorly WWE butchered Cesaro in the last few months. He had such momentum and he can put on such good matches, and right now he's in limbo land. Swagger wins by making Cesaro tap to the Patriot Lock.
Match Rating: ***1/2
Colter cuts a promo after the match. As he goes to say "We the People," the Russian flag comes down and Lana and Rusev come out. But that's all that happens. They don't talk or anything. They just come out to the stage and that's all that comes of it.
A taped interview hosted by Michael Cole and between Chris Jericho and Bray Wyatt is shown next. Wyatt tells Cole to leave. Cole obliges. Wyatt does his creepy Wyatt thing. Jericho sits through most of the interview in silence. Eventually he speaks and basically just hypes the SummerSlam match a little bit.
AJ Lee vs. Eva Marie
It's AJ Lee vs. Eva Marie #3! This is how you win back a crowd! After a couple of technical grapples, Paige comes out to skip around ringside. AJ and Eva continue their match, but eventually AJ gets distracted and Eva wins with a roll up! Eva Marie just pinned the Divas champion. She should be next in line for a title shot. Not Paige.
Match Rating: *****
Speaking of Paige, she gets on the mic afterward and "apologizes" to AJ for pushing the champ off the Smackdown stage a little while ago. It's a rhyming apology. After Paige finishes, AJ heads outside and beats up on Eva Marie. Why? She didn't do anything wrong. She's even thrown into the barricade. But, no, keep telling me how she doesn't take bumps, IWC.
John Cena is out next to respond to Brock Lesnar, even though Brock Lesnar said precisely zero words tonight. Cena works the crowd and eventually tells Lesnar to try to kick him out of "his" house. Of course, Lesnar doesn't wrestle on Raw, so he doesn't come out. Eventually Cena leaves. I guess he won't wrestle tonight. Fine.
Brie Bella vs. Stephanie McMahon
Yeah, this isn't going to happen. Stephanie comes out not in wrestling gear and with a microphone in hand. Of course this isn't going to happen tonight. She slapped someone not employed by the company. She's going to prison!
Match Rating: N/A
I called this one. Of course it had to happen. Why? Because WWE. At least there's consistency here.
Heath Slater vs. Dolph Ziggler
The Miz is once again on commentary. At one point, when Miz was for some reason standing on the commentary table, his mic cord is pulled out. Cole and JBL manage to turn it into a funny segment. It's amazing what happens when you let the talent actually, you know, be themselves.
Slater dominates a good chunk of this match. Ziggler hits a couple of dropkicks and then gets off his finisher. The Miz jumps out from commentary and is chased around the ring by Ziggler. Ziggler winds up getting counted out. Slater wins a second straight match!
Match Rating: *1/2
Ziggler gets back into the ring afterward to shake Slater's hand. Slater tries to cheap shot him, but he gets caught and nailed with the Zig Zag. You can't have Heath Slater looking strong, now, can you?
Randy Orton vs. Sheamus
I can't generate any emotion for this match. Perhaps it's because Raw is too long, or that there's no reason for it to be happening, or how Robin Williams is dead, or the dread of knowing that we'll have to sit through the Hulk Hogan birthday thing after it's over. The match is fine. Sheamus and Orton are good workers. They know how to put on a sound match. But I just can't bring myself to care.
About the only point at which I was excited was at the finale, which saw Orton hit an RKO on Sheamus, who was diving off the top rope. It was nice. It also ended the match. Orton wins.
Match Rating: **1/2
Geriatric Birthday Celebration
I normally don't give titles to non-matches, but this one's super important and stuff. Hulk Hogan is, like, the guy, right? So his birthday is, like, important and stuff.
Sorry, I really don't care. Hogan can't cut a coherent promo or work a match these days. He's here for the nostalgics in the audience and nothing more. His birthday is not worth the main event slot on the go-home episode of Raw.
Gene Okerlund and Jimmy Hart are in the ring and every Superstar and Diva is on the stage. Because Hogan matters. Oh, wait, no he doesn't. Whatever. Hogan makes his way to the ring and we see a video package showing us why we're celebrating this at all. It would make more sense if this was Hogan's 60th birthday, but it's not. It's his 61st, which is not a special number.
Hogan grabs the mic and pimps the WWE Network. Seriously. He's currently just a marketing tool. Ric Flair comes out. Then "Mr. Wonderful" Paul Orndorff. Then Roddy Piper. Then Kevin Nash and Scott Hall. Hall gets to talk. Hogan rips off his shirt to reveal an NWO shirt underneath. Kevin Nash then gets the mic. He starts singing "Happy Birthday."
And then Brock Lesnar comes out! Yes! Perhaps he can save this segment. Lesnar grabs the mic from Heyman and says "party's over, grandpa." None of the legends look scared of him. Not even remotely. He has a staredown with Hogan. Cena comes out to make the save. Lesnar looks ready to fight but then leaves the ring. Because Lesnar doesn't wrestle on Raw. Cena, in the ring with all these legends, staring down a retreating Lesnar, is how Raw ends. So they make Lesnar look weak. Good job, WWE.
The Good: AJ vs. Eva #3. Swagger vs. Cesaro.
The Bad: Reigns vs. RybAxel. Slater vs. Ziggler.
Match of the Night: AJ Lee vs. Eva Marie.
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First and foremost: R.I.P. Robin Williams. The news of his death put a pretty big damper on Raw. But I have a job -- well, I'm not getting paid, but it feels like a job -- to do. So let's do this. Keep his family in your thoughts tonight. Maybe watch your favorite Robin Williams movie after. I think I'm due for a re-watch of Good Will Hunting.
It's Hulk Hogan's birthday celebration tonight. He's, what, 61? Yes, he's 61. This is also the go-home Raw before SummerSlam. So, expect lots of story stuff. Raw kicks off with Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar. Heyman goes through Lesnar's accomplishments in WWE. He then hypes up SummerSlam. He also claims that when Cena beat him last time, Lesnar was only at 50%. And Lesnar dominated that match! They're doing a good job at building Lesnar. Heyman then "raps," which is just awesome. Lesnar does a mic drop, but Lesnar has him pick it back up so that Heyman can remind us that this is now "Brock's house."
Roman Reigns vs. RybAxel (Ryback and Curtis Axel)
After Reigns makes his entrance, Kane's entrance hits. He gave up his mask last week. Will he be playing Jacob Goodnight now? No. He's just back to Director of Operations, Corporate Kane. It's been like four months since he put on the mask again.
He announces that Reigns will have a handicap match against RybAxel, a team that hasn't even one a fifth of its matches in the last year. And with how protected Reigns has been from a booking perspective, this match seems like a foregone conclusion, assuming it gets a true finish.
The match is slow and nothing special. Roman Reigns did do a suplex, though, which means he learned a new move. I can't help but wonder if he saw Eva Marie on NXT pull one or two suplexes out and copied her. Regardless, he hit one here. After a mostly uneventful match, RybAxel finds themselves beating on Reigns outside the ring. It a DQ loss for RybAxel, as they didn't stop using the ring post to hurt Reigns. They then took Reigns into the ring to continue the beatdown, but Reigns counters and then takes them both out. Because he's Roman Reigns.
Match Rating: *1/2
Renee Young interviews Reigns in the ring afterward. He's not afraid of Randy Orton. After a terrible job on the mic, Orton catches Kane backstage. Kane tells Orton he's in a match against Sheamus tonight.
Rob Van Dam vs. Seth Rollins
This is a match we were supposed to get last week. Instead, we got to see Heath Slater pick up a Raw victory, which was probably even better. We've seen this singles match on two Raws before, and they've been perfectly fine, maybe even good. Van Dam dominates a good chunk of this match, which seemed a little weird. Rollins is the man whom the WWE is pushing. He wins with just a few moves. RVD dominates, Rollins gets a counter and curb stomp for the win. Uh, what? This was the worst of the three singles matches these two have shared.
Match Rating: **
It turns out that what we're really here for is the post-match antics of Seth Rollins. He approaches the presents for Hulk Hogan that are on the stage, thinking Dean Ambrose is inside one of them. He stands in front of one of them for a while, then laughs about how silly he looked. As he walks away, Ambrose jumps out from it and chases Rollins into the crowd. Ambrose then hypes their SummerSlam match.
Stephanie McMahon is out after the commercial break to make a confession to Brie Bella. First, she brings out Daniel Bryan's physical therapist, MEgan. It's not Stephanie making the confession; it's the therapist. The therapist claims that she's been having an affair with Bryan. Brie Bella storms the ring. She slaps Megan -- will she, too, go to jail? -- and then attacks Stephanie. She gets Stephanie in a Yes Lock before security breaks them up. Stephanie gets a mic as Brie is being dragged to the back. She says they're not waiting until SummerSlam. They're going to finish this tonight.
Somehow, I doubt it.
Jack Swagger (with Zeb Colter) vs. Cesaro
A rematch from two Smackdowns ago. And from that feud a little while back. The Smackdown match was pretty good. This one is pretty good, too. These two men know each other really well, and that allows for a match that flows wonderfully and is pretty entertaining. The only thing that slows it down is the constant stream of abdominal stretches employed by Cesaro, as he worked over the injured ribs of Swagger. But that's fine. Working a body part is rare and it's good to see. Seriously, though, this match is a reminder of how good Swagger can be and how poorly WWE butchered Cesaro in the last few months. He had such momentum and he can put on such good matches, and right now he's in limbo land. Swagger wins by making Cesaro tap to the Patriot Lock.
Match Rating: ***1/2
Colter cuts a promo after the match. As he goes to say "We the People," the Russian flag comes down and Lana and Rusev come out. But that's all that happens. They don't talk or anything. They just come out to the stage and that's all that comes of it.
A taped interview hosted by Michael Cole and between Chris Jericho and Bray Wyatt is shown next. Wyatt tells Cole to leave. Cole obliges. Wyatt does his creepy Wyatt thing. Jericho sits through most of the interview in silence. Eventually he speaks and basically just hypes the SummerSlam match a little bit.
AJ Lee vs. Eva Marie
It's AJ Lee vs. Eva Marie #3! This is how you win back a crowd! After a couple of technical grapples, Paige comes out to skip around ringside. AJ and Eva continue their match, but eventually AJ gets distracted and Eva wins with a roll up! Eva Marie just pinned the Divas champion. She should be next in line for a title shot. Not Paige.
Match Rating: *****
Speaking of Paige, she gets on the mic afterward and "apologizes" to AJ for pushing the champ off the Smackdown stage a little while ago. It's a rhyming apology. After Paige finishes, AJ heads outside and beats up on Eva Marie. Why? She didn't do anything wrong. She's even thrown into the barricade. But, no, keep telling me how she doesn't take bumps, IWC.
John Cena is out next to respond to Brock Lesnar, even though Brock Lesnar said precisely zero words tonight. Cena works the crowd and eventually tells Lesnar to try to kick him out of "his" house. Of course, Lesnar doesn't wrestle on Raw, so he doesn't come out. Eventually Cena leaves. I guess he won't wrestle tonight. Fine.
Brie Bella vs. Stephanie McMahon
Yeah, this isn't going to happen. Stephanie comes out not in wrestling gear and with a microphone in hand. Of course this isn't going to happen tonight. She slapped someone not employed by the company. She's going to prison!
Match Rating: N/A
I called this one. Of course it had to happen. Why? Because WWE. At least there's consistency here.
Heath Slater vs. Dolph Ziggler
The Miz is once again on commentary. At one point, when Miz was for some reason standing on the commentary table, his mic cord is pulled out. Cole and JBL manage to turn it into a funny segment. It's amazing what happens when you let the talent actually, you know, be themselves.
Slater dominates a good chunk of this match. Ziggler hits a couple of dropkicks and then gets off his finisher. The Miz jumps out from commentary and is chased around the ring by Ziggler. Ziggler winds up getting counted out. Slater wins a second straight match!
Match Rating: *1/2
Ziggler gets back into the ring afterward to shake Slater's hand. Slater tries to cheap shot him, but he gets caught and nailed with the Zig Zag. You can't have Heath Slater looking strong, now, can you?
Randy Orton vs. Sheamus
I can't generate any emotion for this match. Perhaps it's because Raw is too long, or that there's no reason for it to be happening, or how Robin Williams is dead, or the dread of knowing that we'll have to sit through the Hulk Hogan birthday thing after it's over. The match is fine. Sheamus and Orton are good workers. They know how to put on a sound match. But I just can't bring myself to care.
About the only point at which I was excited was at the finale, which saw Orton hit an RKO on Sheamus, who was diving off the top rope. It was nice. It also ended the match. Orton wins.
Match Rating: **1/2
Geriatric Birthday Celebration
I normally don't give titles to non-matches, but this one's super important and stuff. Hulk Hogan is, like, the guy, right? So his birthday is, like, important and stuff.
Sorry, I really don't care. Hogan can't cut a coherent promo or work a match these days. He's here for the nostalgics in the audience and nothing more. His birthday is not worth the main event slot on the go-home episode of Raw.
Gene Okerlund and Jimmy Hart are in the ring and every Superstar and Diva is on the stage. Because Hogan matters. Oh, wait, no he doesn't. Whatever. Hogan makes his way to the ring and we see a video package showing us why we're celebrating this at all. It would make more sense if this was Hogan's 60th birthday, but it's not. It's his 61st, which is not a special number.
Hogan grabs the mic and pimps the WWE Network. Seriously. He's currently just a marketing tool. Ric Flair comes out. Then "Mr. Wonderful" Paul Orndorff. Then Roddy Piper. Then Kevin Nash and Scott Hall. Hall gets to talk. Hogan rips off his shirt to reveal an NWO shirt underneath. Kevin Nash then gets the mic. He starts singing "Happy Birthday."
And then Brock Lesnar comes out! Yes! Perhaps he can save this segment. Lesnar grabs the mic from Heyman and says "party's over, grandpa." None of the legends look scared of him. Not even remotely. He has a staredown with Hogan. Cena comes out to make the save. Lesnar looks ready to fight but then leaves the ring. Because Lesnar doesn't wrestle on Raw. Cena, in the ring with all these legends, staring down a retreating Lesnar, is how Raw ends. So they make Lesnar look weak. Good job, WWE.
The Good: AJ vs. Eva #3. Swagger vs. Cesaro.
The Bad: Reigns vs. RybAxel. Slater vs. Ziggler.
Match of the Night: AJ Lee vs. Eva Marie.
<color=D6D9DA>_________________________________________________________________________________
If you wish to be notified whenever I post something new, please join this <url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/groups/view/2-50-Reviews>user group.
For an archive of all my previous WWE reviews, please go <url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.846764-Marters-WWE-Reviews-Archive>here.
Talk to me on the Twitter, <url=https://twitter.com/martertweet>@martertweet.
