Spoilers follow for the August 4th episode of Raw.
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According to the dirtsheets (loldirtsheets), there will be no John Cena, no Brock Lesnar, and probably no Paul Heyman tonight on Raw. Now, I may be reading into this a little too much, but doesn't that just scream "CM Punk return confirmed"? I mean, let's not speculate here, but it's basically all but confirmed, right?
After a flashback to last week's events -- because we need those, right? -- The Authority comes out to kick off the live portion of Raw. Not just The Authority, either, but Kane, Randy Orton, and Seth Rollins, alongside Triple H and Stephanie McMahon. Triple H has a mic first, and he promotes SummerSlam. He also frequently mentions the WWE Network, and its $9.99 price tag. I'm guessing that's a shot at everyone criticizing the constant promotion of the Network. Triple H hates the internet wrestling community, after all.
HHH announces a Beat the Clock challenge between Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins. Whoever wins his match quickest will be able to pick the stipulation for their match at SummerSlam. Stephanie then grabs the mic and hypes up a contract signing between herself and Brie Bella. Is Brie going through a table tonight? How fun would that be?
Randy Orton gets on the mic next and guarantees that he'll destroy Roman Reigns. Reigns' music then hits and he comes down to the ring through the crowd. There are four men who dislike him in the ring right now. He stays in the crowd. He talks down to Orton. He says he'll beat Orton tonight, for free. Triple H says Orton and Reigns will fight at SummerSlam. Tonight, there will be Kane vs. Reigns. In a Last Man Standing match. Awesome.
<color=red>Last Man Standing Match: Kane vs. Roman Reigns
This type of match benefits Roman Reigns. Not from a kayfabe or storyline perspective, but as a worker. Reigns doesn't have a lot of moves, and as a result works best either in a tag team or in something like this, where there's a limited amount of actual wrestling. Weapons and big spots populate Last Man Standing matches. He can do that. And he can sell when Kane needs to get in some offense.
The match is filled with some fun spots. There's nothing too original -- Irish Whips into steel steps, a chokeslam through a table, chair DDTs -- but they're fun and they're not something we get too often on TV. As the opening match on Raw, this was a good one. It was exciting and a good way to get both the crowd and the TV audience engaged. Reigns wins after a spear. Just a spear. Kane wasn't knocked out, but he couldn't get back to his feet in time.
Match Rating: ***
A video package for the Cena/Lesnar match is next. It does its job. The WWE's video packages are almost always great. Whoever is editing them together needs a raise. Oh, wait, budget cuts. Then ... just let him or her keep the job.
Damien Sandow vs. Mark Henry
Sandow comes out dressed as a football player. Apparently the team he was dressed as it hated in the city Raw is in this week. He gets cheap heat. Then Mark Henry comes out. We haven't seen him since May. Henry squashes Sandow. This is a segment and match that probably mattered far more to the live crowd. But, hey, Mark Henry's back.
Match Rating: *
An Adam Rose promo happens after. He's standing in front of the mirror from Oculus, which was a WWE Films production. Rose stares into the mirror. We fade to a version of Rose in a suit, which is Rose's worst fear. Okay, then.
<color=red>Beat the Clock Match: Dean Ambrose vs. Alberto Del Rio
Just like the last time we did Beat the Clock matches, I'm still not a fan. They lead to rushed matches that don't allow for, you know, things like proper pacing or storytelling. The first match usually isn't too bad; it's the ones that follow that get progressively worse.
The opening Beat the Clock -- also the penultimate one -- is between two good workers and is a good deal of fun. Del Rio does his "I'm really aggressive" thing, reminding us that he's not the safest worker around -- he seemed to be working stiffer than usual, perhaps at Ambrose's request -- while Ambrose works a pretty normal match, outside of a couple of attempts at quick pinfalls. Ambrose does eventually win, after Del Rio dominates for most of the time, but it takes him 15:42 to do. That's fantastic. That's one of the longest Beat the Clock matches I've ever seen, and also one of the best.
Match Rating: ***1/2
After a reminder of the Brie/Stephanie feud, Rusev comes down to the ring for a match.
Rusev (with Lana) vs. Sin Cara
The whole match happened on the WWE App. No, I'm not joking. It was apparently a squash but still. That just smells like desperation.
Match Rating: I honestly don't know, but probably *
Lana cuts a promo after the match. She sings "Happy Birthday" to President Barack Obama in Russian. Zeb Colter and Jack Swagger come out after that. Colter insults Russia and hypes up the Flag Match at SummerSlam. Kind of.
After the promo is seemingly at an end, Rusev attacks Swagger with a flag. It's kind of brutal. Rusev even smiles, for what might be the first time since his debut. Emotion? That seemed like a foreign concept to him. Not anymore. Rusev then turns his sights on Colter, backing him into a corner. Lana restrains him.
Cesaro vs. Dolph Ziggler
Neither man gets an entrance. The Miz is on commentary. Cesaro dominates. He does some strength moves. Ziggler counters one show-off move, hits his finisher, and wins. A one-move victory. A week after Cesaro had the best match on Raw. Okay.
Match Rating: *1/2
The Miz enters the ring after the match and holds up hits title. Ziggler tries to punch his face, but The Miz falls down and escapes.
Paige is interviewed backstage. She wishes AJ -- her best friend in the entire world -- a speedy recovery. She's really gotten better on the mic.
RybAxel (Ryback and Curtis Axel) vs. Goldust and Stardust
Um, haven't we seen this match before? Like, half a dozen times? This time around, we build toward a Stardust hot tag. Wait, we've probably done that, too. After Stardust gets tagged in, he dominates. Then he picks up the win. Goldust was, weirdly enough, on the top rope. Was a different finish planned? Was Goldust going to hit a splash? Who knows?
Match Rating: **
After the match, Kane takes off his mask and gives it to Stephanie. Is this the end of Kane?
Chris Jericho vs. Luke Harper (with Erick Rowan)
The match that Jericho had against Rowan on Smackdown was disappointing. The match against Harper is disappointing, too. But not because the in-ring action was bad, but because Bray Wyatt comes out and interferes, surprising absolutely nobody. The actual match was fine but too short and the lack of a true finish hurts it. Still, Harper is now banned from ringside at SummerSlam, which needed to happen so Jericho and Wyatt could have a better match.
Match Rating: **
Diego (with Layla, Summer Rae, and El Torito) vs. Fandango (with Hornswoggle)
I wish that was a typo. Fandango debuts a new dancer tonight, and it's Hornswoggle. I'm embarrassed to be a fan of WWE right now. Diego wins with a backstabber after a few seconds.
Match Rating: *
Renee Young interviews Randy Orton backstage after that atrocity. He says things about himself being dangerous or something. Whatever.
Bo Dallas vs. R-Truth
So, R-Truth beat Bo Dallas two straight times. So now we need it a third time. This was the longest and best of their matches, but it's still not at all exciting. Dallas eventually wins by holding the tights. For leverage, so goes the Kayfabe lore.
Match Rating: **
R-Truth starts beating up Dallas after the match, clearly enraged by the cheap victory. Dallas eventually counters and hits the Running BoDog from the steel steps to the floor. He's not even that heelish with the retaliation, but whatever.
A Bray Wyatt promo follows. It's an advertisement for the SummerSlam match. And ... other things, I think, but since it's Bray Wyatt, you're not going to understand, care, or remember much of what he says. You'll just watch and enjoy the minute or two he's given.
The same Lesnar/Cena video promo is shown after this. It's still good. But we don't need to see it twice. Surely this segment could have been better used by featuring a certain talent that rhymes with Eva Marie.
...
No, wait, that is Eva Marie. She's left off Raw again. That's how you'd get your darn WWE Network subscriptions, WWE.
Oh, yeah, I suppose that whole new Nation of Domination thing could have used the airtime, too.
<color=red>Beat the Clock Match: Rob Van Dam vs. Seth Rollins
So ... I guess RVD isn't hurt (anymore?). Remember when he was advertised for that battle royal, but then wasn't there? And then wasn't on TV for a while? The dirtsheets (loldirtsheets) claimed he was hurt. He looks pretty good to me.
Before the match, the announcer gets on the mic and says The Authority has said RVD will not be Rollins' opponent tonight. Instead, it'll be ... Heath Slater.
Match Rating: N/A
<color=red>Beat the Clock Match: Seth Rollins vs. Heath Slater
Rollins tries to get Slater to just walk out of the ring and take a count out loss. Slater looks like he thinks about it, but eventually lands a couple of strikes on Rollins. Part way through the match, Dean Ambrose shows up at ringside. Ambrose toys around with the briefcase at ringside. He even rips up the MITB contract inside it. I don't know if that counts for anything, but hey, it's a thing that happened.
Here's how this match works. Ambrose does something silly or funny at ringside, Rollins gets distracted, and then Slater gets in a bit of offense before Rollins takes control again. Then we repeat. Eventually, Heath Slater rolls up Rollins for the win.
Match Rating: **
The match itself gets a mediocre rating, but that's only for the in-ring work. This was an entertaining segment. It just wasn't a good match.
Time for the contract signing we've all been waiting for! Stephanie and Triple H come out first, followed by both Bella Twins. Triple H gets the mic and says he can't officiate the contract signing because of the personal interest. Instead, Michael Cole will do it -- although he never even gets to talk. Because, you know, that'll make the segment better.
Brie struggles with her lines. She's really terrible at this acting/promo work. It makes you wonder exactly how much Total Divas is scripted. She's so much better on that, which makes you think that she's not acting a whole lot. Brie signs the contract and does some trash talking. Stephanie does the same. Eventually, Nikki gets slapped, Brie gets held in the corner by Triple H (and a table), and Nikki is Pedigreed. Brie eventually tries to get out, but Stephanie stops her. Stephanie then hits a Pedigree on Brie, too. The show ends with Stephanie standing tall.
The Good: Kane vs. Roman Reigns. Dean Ambrose vs. Alberto Del Rio. Heath Slater getting a win. Paige interview.
The Bad: Diego vs. Fandango. Hornswoggle as a "dancer." Damien Sandow vs. Mark Henry. Adam Rose segment.
Match of the Night: Dean Ambrose vs. Alberto Del Rio.
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http://i55.servimg.com/u/f55/16/09/70/40/raw_lo10.png
According to the dirtsheets (loldirtsheets), there will be no John Cena, no Brock Lesnar, and probably no Paul Heyman tonight on Raw. Now, I may be reading into this a little too much, but doesn't that just scream "CM Punk return confirmed"? I mean, let's not speculate here, but it's basically all but confirmed, right?
After a flashback to last week's events -- because we need those, right? -- The Authority comes out to kick off the live portion of Raw. Not just The Authority, either, but Kane, Randy Orton, and Seth Rollins, alongside Triple H and Stephanie McMahon. Triple H has a mic first, and he promotes SummerSlam. He also frequently mentions the WWE Network, and its $9.99 price tag. I'm guessing that's a shot at everyone criticizing the constant promotion of the Network. Triple H hates the internet wrestling community, after all.
HHH announces a Beat the Clock challenge between Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins. Whoever wins his match quickest will be able to pick the stipulation for their match at SummerSlam. Stephanie then grabs the mic and hypes up a contract signing between herself and Brie Bella. Is Brie going through a table tonight? How fun would that be?
Randy Orton gets on the mic next and guarantees that he'll destroy Roman Reigns. Reigns' music then hits and he comes down to the ring through the crowd. There are four men who dislike him in the ring right now. He stays in the crowd. He talks down to Orton. He says he'll beat Orton tonight, for free. Triple H says Orton and Reigns will fight at SummerSlam. Tonight, there will be Kane vs. Reigns. In a Last Man Standing match. Awesome.
<color=red>Last Man Standing Match: Kane vs. Roman Reigns
This type of match benefits Roman Reigns. Not from a kayfabe or storyline perspective, but as a worker. Reigns doesn't have a lot of moves, and as a result works best either in a tag team or in something like this, where there's a limited amount of actual wrestling. Weapons and big spots populate Last Man Standing matches. He can do that. And he can sell when Kane needs to get in some offense.
The match is filled with some fun spots. There's nothing too original -- Irish Whips into steel steps, a chokeslam through a table, chair DDTs -- but they're fun and they're not something we get too often on TV. As the opening match on Raw, this was a good one. It was exciting and a good way to get both the crowd and the TV audience engaged. Reigns wins after a spear. Just a spear. Kane wasn't knocked out, but he couldn't get back to his feet in time.
Match Rating: ***
A video package for the Cena/Lesnar match is next. It does its job. The WWE's video packages are almost always great. Whoever is editing them together needs a raise. Oh, wait, budget cuts. Then ... just let him or her keep the job.
Damien Sandow vs. Mark Henry
Sandow comes out dressed as a football player. Apparently the team he was dressed as it hated in the city Raw is in this week. He gets cheap heat. Then Mark Henry comes out. We haven't seen him since May. Henry squashes Sandow. This is a segment and match that probably mattered far more to the live crowd. But, hey, Mark Henry's back.
Match Rating: *
An Adam Rose promo happens after. He's standing in front of the mirror from Oculus, which was a WWE Films production. Rose stares into the mirror. We fade to a version of Rose in a suit, which is Rose's worst fear. Okay, then.
<color=red>Beat the Clock Match: Dean Ambrose vs. Alberto Del Rio
Just like the last time we did Beat the Clock matches, I'm still not a fan. They lead to rushed matches that don't allow for, you know, things like proper pacing or storytelling. The first match usually isn't too bad; it's the ones that follow that get progressively worse.
The opening Beat the Clock -- also the penultimate one -- is between two good workers and is a good deal of fun. Del Rio does his "I'm really aggressive" thing, reminding us that he's not the safest worker around -- he seemed to be working stiffer than usual, perhaps at Ambrose's request -- while Ambrose works a pretty normal match, outside of a couple of attempts at quick pinfalls. Ambrose does eventually win, after Del Rio dominates for most of the time, but it takes him 15:42 to do. That's fantastic. That's one of the longest Beat the Clock matches I've ever seen, and also one of the best.
Match Rating: ***1/2
After a reminder of the Brie/Stephanie feud, Rusev comes down to the ring for a match.
Rusev (with Lana) vs. Sin Cara
The whole match happened on the WWE App. No, I'm not joking. It was apparently a squash but still. That just smells like desperation.
Match Rating: I honestly don't know, but probably *
Lana cuts a promo after the match. She sings "Happy Birthday" to President Barack Obama in Russian. Zeb Colter and Jack Swagger come out after that. Colter insults Russia and hypes up the Flag Match at SummerSlam. Kind of.
After the promo is seemingly at an end, Rusev attacks Swagger with a flag. It's kind of brutal. Rusev even smiles, for what might be the first time since his debut. Emotion? That seemed like a foreign concept to him. Not anymore. Rusev then turns his sights on Colter, backing him into a corner. Lana restrains him.
Cesaro vs. Dolph Ziggler
Neither man gets an entrance. The Miz is on commentary. Cesaro dominates. He does some strength moves. Ziggler counters one show-off move, hits his finisher, and wins. A one-move victory. A week after Cesaro had the best match on Raw. Okay.
Match Rating: *1/2
The Miz enters the ring after the match and holds up hits title. Ziggler tries to punch his face, but The Miz falls down and escapes.
Paige is interviewed backstage. She wishes AJ -- her best friend in the entire world -- a speedy recovery. She's really gotten better on the mic.
RybAxel (Ryback and Curtis Axel) vs. Goldust and Stardust
Um, haven't we seen this match before? Like, half a dozen times? This time around, we build toward a Stardust hot tag. Wait, we've probably done that, too. After Stardust gets tagged in, he dominates. Then he picks up the win. Goldust was, weirdly enough, on the top rope. Was a different finish planned? Was Goldust going to hit a splash? Who knows?
Match Rating: **
After the match, Kane takes off his mask and gives it to Stephanie. Is this the end of Kane?
Chris Jericho vs. Luke Harper (with Erick Rowan)
The match that Jericho had against Rowan on Smackdown was disappointing. The match against Harper is disappointing, too. But not because the in-ring action was bad, but because Bray Wyatt comes out and interferes, surprising absolutely nobody. The actual match was fine but too short and the lack of a true finish hurts it. Still, Harper is now banned from ringside at SummerSlam, which needed to happen so Jericho and Wyatt could have a better match.
Match Rating: **
Diego (with Layla, Summer Rae, and El Torito) vs. Fandango (with Hornswoggle)
I wish that was a typo. Fandango debuts a new dancer tonight, and it's Hornswoggle. I'm embarrassed to be a fan of WWE right now. Diego wins with a backstabber after a few seconds.
Match Rating: *
Renee Young interviews Randy Orton backstage after that atrocity. He says things about himself being dangerous or something. Whatever.
Bo Dallas vs. R-Truth
So, R-Truth beat Bo Dallas two straight times. So now we need it a third time. This was the longest and best of their matches, but it's still not at all exciting. Dallas eventually wins by holding the tights. For leverage, so goes the Kayfabe lore.
Match Rating: **
R-Truth starts beating up Dallas after the match, clearly enraged by the cheap victory. Dallas eventually counters and hits the Running BoDog from the steel steps to the floor. He's not even that heelish with the retaliation, but whatever.
A Bray Wyatt promo follows. It's an advertisement for the SummerSlam match. And ... other things, I think, but since it's Bray Wyatt, you're not going to understand, care, or remember much of what he says. You'll just watch and enjoy the minute or two he's given.
The same Lesnar/Cena video promo is shown after this. It's still good. But we don't need to see it twice. Surely this segment could have been better used by featuring a certain talent that rhymes with Eva Marie.
...
No, wait, that is Eva Marie. She's left off Raw again. That's how you'd get your darn WWE Network subscriptions, WWE.
Oh, yeah, I suppose that whole new Nation of Domination thing could have used the airtime, too.
<color=red>Beat the Clock Match: Rob Van Dam vs. Seth Rollins
So ... I guess RVD isn't hurt (anymore?). Remember when he was advertised for that battle royal, but then wasn't there? And then wasn't on TV for a while? The dirtsheets (loldirtsheets) claimed he was hurt. He looks pretty good to me.
Before the match, the announcer gets on the mic and says The Authority has said RVD will not be Rollins' opponent tonight. Instead, it'll be ... Heath Slater.
Match Rating: N/A
<color=red>Beat the Clock Match: Seth Rollins vs. Heath Slater
Rollins tries to get Slater to just walk out of the ring and take a count out loss. Slater looks like he thinks about it, but eventually lands a couple of strikes on Rollins. Part way through the match, Dean Ambrose shows up at ringside. Ambrose toys around with the briefcase at ringside. He even rips up the MITB contract inside it. I don't know if that counts for anything, but hey, it's a thing that happened.
Here's how this match works. Ambrose does something silly or funny at ringside, Rollins gets distracted, and then Slater gets in a bit of offense before Rollins takes control again. Then we repeat. Eventually, Heath Slater rolls up Rollins for the win.
Match Rating: **
The match itself gets a mediocre rating, but that's only for the in-ring work. This was an entertaining segment. It just wasn't a good match.
Time for the contract signing we've all been waiting for! Stephanie and Triple H come out first, followed by both Bella Twins. Triple H gets the mic and says he can't officiate the contract signing because of the personal interest. Instead, Michael Cole will do it -- although he never even gets to talk. Because, you know, that'll make the segment better.
Brie struggles with her lines. She's really terrible at this acting/promo work. It makes you wonder exactly how much Total Divas is scripted. She's so much better on that, which makes you think that she's not acting a whole lot. Brie signs the contract and does some trash talking. Stephanie does the same. Eventually, Nikki gets slapped, Brie gets held in the corner by Triple H (and a table), and Nikki is Pedigreed. Brie eventually tries to get out, but Stephanie stops her. Stephanie then hits a Pedigree on Brie, too. The show ends with Stephanie standing tall.
The Good: Kane vs. Roman Reigns. Dean Ambrose vs. Alberto Del Rio. Heath Slater getting a win. Paige interview.
The Bad: Diego vs. Fandango. Hornswoggle as a "dancer." Damien Sandow vs. Mark Henry. Adam Rose segment.
Match of the Night: Dean Ambrose vs. Alberto Del Rio.
<color=D6D9DA>_________________________________________________________________________________
If you wish to be notified whenever I post something new, please join this <url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/groups/view/2-50-Reviews>user group.
For an archive of all my previous WWE reviews, please go <url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.846764-Marters-WWE-Reviews-Archive>here.
Talk to me on the Twitter, <url=https://twitter.com/martertweet>@martertweet.
