Spoilers follow for the March 16th episode of Raw.
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We're just a little while away from WrestleMania at this point. I feel like, just maybe, I should care a little bit more about that. But the build to the biggest PPV of the year has been so mediocre that I just don't.
Anyway, Raw opens with the interview Michael Cole conducted with Randy Orton on Smackdown, because not enough people actually watch Smackdown to keep a segment like this exclusive. Our live show starts with The Authority -- apart from Triple H and Stephanie McMahon -- standing in the ring. Seth Rollins gets on the mic first. He thinks Orton betrayed him, which means he's going to completely ignore when he did it to Orton four months earlier. That's fine for a heel to do. He brings up The Shield, which he tries to justify. His promo really never goes anywhere, so he hands the mic to Big Show. Show apologizes to Rollins for letting what happened happen, because somehow it's his fault. No, I don't know how. Kane also apologizes. Jamie Noble, the secret weapon of The Authority, gets a mic afterward, and says Orton's betrayal hurt Joey Mercury a whole bunch. Mercury's too sad to even speak. We eventually come full-circle, which has Rollins say that Orton's messed with nobody like him before. Rollins also accepts a match at WrestleMania with Orton, but on one condition: Orton faces Rollins tonight.
Orton comes out to address this. He accepts this condition, of course. Hey! That segment was only 15 minutes, not 20! Baby steps.
AJ Lee (with Paige) vs. Nikki Bella (with Brie Bella)
AJ tries to wear down Nikki, Nikki does the "power Diva" routine -- even doing some pushups during the match to prove how strong she is -- and together they get a relatively lengthy match that's quite good. It even gets a commercial break. Yes, a two-segment match!
I'm not kidding when I say that this is a PPV-quality Divas match. It was so good that the fans even got into it, which is a rarity. It's too bad the commentary team winds up being more focused on very little of importance, and also sexism. Thanks, Booker T.
Our finish comes, unfortunately, when Brie and Paige have a tiff, Paige gets slammed into a ring post, and the distraction lets Nikki knock out AJ with a punch and then get the win with a Rack Attack. I know we're not going to get a clean finish, but it was such a good match that you want one anyway.
Match Rating: ***1/2
Renee Young interviews Kane and Big Show, asking them if they're going to have any influence in Seth Rollins' match later on. They argue, because one of them is turning face soon, I bet. Rollins interrupts, stopping them from fighting. They then turn their anger on Rollins, which is kind of fun. Kane decides he won't be in Rollins' corner tonight, while Big Show just stares and leaves. That's a teaser, I guess.
Ryback vs. The Miz (with Damien Sandow)
So, Ryback had a glorified squash match against Miz last week on Smackdown, so now we're going to do it again because ... why? Sandow gets to accompany Miz this time, which is fun. Remember when we thought they'd get a singles match at WrestleMania? Those were fun times. Ryback squashes Miz again here in as mediocre a match as the two had on Smackdown.
Match Rating: *1/2
Sandow helps Miz up after the match. Miz hits his finisher on Sandow after getting to his feet. Miz is such a good heel.
We're doing the contract signing for the Cena/Rusev match next. "I hate you." "Well, I hate you." Lana isn't with Rusev, since she's filming a movie. Rusev's new valet is apparently a lawyer, and he claims that the contract is null and void since Rusev didn't give the match himself; Lana did. The lawyer has a terrible accent that sounds incredibly fake. Rusev reads from a sheet, which we're told if Cena can restrain himself throughout, he'll get his rematch. Cena restrains himself long enough for the contract to be signed before sending Rusev out of the ring. The match we don't want but are going to get is happening.
The New Day (Big E and Kofi Kingston, with Xavier Woods) vs. Cesaro and Tyson Kidd (with Natalya)
Los Matadores are at ringside. They are heels now, in case you missed Smackdown. The match isn't good, isn't given much time, and exists to affirm Los Matadores as heels, or at least tweeners. They attack New Day after the match, and then allow Cesaro to hit his finisher on Xavier Woods. El Torito then takes out Cesaro, because Cesaro is a joke.
Oh, yeah, Cesaro and Tyson Kidd won.
Match Rating: *1/2
Seth Rollins gives a pep talk to J&J Security. He and Noble have a fight, which sees Rollins slap Noble. Mercury tries to break it up. Noble quits. Mercury shrugs his shoulders and walks away, too.
A pre-recorded Brock Lesnar interview is then shown, reminding us how bad Lesnar is at talking, and why he should really let Heyman do all of his talking forever.
Big Show vs. Erick Rowan
Big Show attacks Rowan before the match. He destroys Rowan, even hitting him with a diving elbow drop. The match never starts.
Match Rating: N/A
Larry Zbyszko is the next inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame. I have nothing else to add to that statement. It's a thing.
We return from commercial with a bunch of Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal competitors in the ring. Why? So Mark Henry can come down and announce that he'll be in it. Everyone starts brawling. Hey! Heath Slater is there! He's always fun to see. And I think Zack Ryder was also there! Everyone gets thrown out but Henry and Kane. They fight before Henry "eliminates" Kane. Curtis Axel, who was hanging around outside the ring, tried to get Henry out, but he's thrown out instead. Henry becomes a favorite to win.
Paul Heyman is out next. So that's fun. He pumps up Brock Lesnar, and his mic gets cut off, which at this point is just getting old. When Heyman gets into an anti-Roman Reigns rant, Reigns comes down from the stands to confront Heyman. Reigns actually isn't bad tonight, so that's something. It's still "I can do it, I swear!" but at least it was delivered decently well.
Paul Heyman gets interviewed backstage. Brock Lesnar will be on Raw next week.
Luke Harper, Stardust, and Bad News Barrett vs. Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler, and Dean Ambrose
R-Truth walks down the stage as the match starts, as he's going to, once again, be on commentary. He's got the Intercontinental Championship strapped to his back so nobody in the ring can see it.
The match is, essentially, just the same one we saw on Smackdown. But this time, the faces have a bit more animosity. It's solid in-ring work, and the match is fine, but I just struggled to care so much. It had some near-falls which were fun, especially one involving Harper and Ziggler, but the whole "stealing the title" thing just isn't doing it for me. Ambrose winds up winning with Dirty Deeds, although it's so chaotic that none of it really matters.
Match Rating: ***
Lots of people fight over actually holding the title after the match. It's a mess that you won't care to read. Barrett winds up with it after all's said and done.
Seth Rollins interrupts Triple H and Stephanie McMahon's "looking at pictures on a cell phone" time. They tell Rollins that he needs to fix his own problems.
A Bray Wyatt promo happens next. Yep.
Randy Orton vs. Seth Rollins
Rollins comes down alone and with a mic. He says he's made a fool out of Orton in the last three hours. The Authority members all come down. It was a ruse! They're all still on Rollins' side. Orton grabs a chair. This match isn't going to happen.
Match Rating: FOUR MATCHES IN THREE HOURS.
The Authority surrounds the ring, and then a crow sound happens, the lights go dark, Sting shows up, and The Authority gets sent packing. Orton and Sting beat up J&J Security. Such is the end of another poor episode of Raw.
The Good: AJ/Nikki. 6-Man Tag. Sting.
The Bad: Four matches in over three hours. New Day/Cesaro & Kidd. Ryback/Miz.
Match of the Night: AJ Lee vs. Nikki Bella.
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We're just a little while away from WrestleMania at this point. I feel like, just maybe, I should care a little bit more about that. But the build to the biggest PPV of the year has been so mediocre that I just don't.
Anyway, Raw opens with the interview Michael Cole conducted with Randy Orton on Smackdown, because not enough people actually watch Smackdown to keep a segment like this exclusive. Our live show starts with The Authority -- apart from Triple H and Stephanie McMahon -- standing in the ring. Seth Rollins gets on the mic first. He thinks Orton betrayed him, which means he's going to completely ignore when he did it to Orton four months earlier. That's fine for a heel to do. He brings up The Shield, which he tries to justify. His promo really never goes anywhere, so he hands the mic to Big Show. Show apologizes to Rollins for letting what happened happen, because somehow it's his fault. No, I don't know how. Kane also apologizes. Jamie Noble, the secret weapon of The Authority, gets a mic afterward, and says Orton's betrayal hurt Joey Mercury a whole bunch. Mercury's too sad to even speak. We eventually come full-circle, which has Rollins say that Orton's messed with nobody like him before. Rollins also accepts a match at WrestleMania with Orton, but on one condition: Orton faces Rollins tonight.
Orton comes out to address this. He accepts this condition, of course. Hey! That segment was only 15 minutes, not 20! Baby steps.
AJ Lee (with Paige) vs. Nikki Bella (with Brie Bella)
AJ tries to wear down Nikki, Nikki does the "power Diva" routine -- even doing some pushups during the match to prove how strong she is -- and together they get a relatively lengthy match that's quite good. It even gets a commercial break. Yes, a two-segment match!
I'm not kidding when I say that this is a PPV-quality Divas match. It was so good that the fans even got into it, which is a rarity. It's too bad the commentary team winds up being more focused on very little of importance, and also sexism. Thanks, Booker T.
Our finish comes, unfortunately, when Brie and Paige have a tiff, Paige gets slammed into a ring post, and the distraction lets Nikki knock out AJ with a punch and then get the win with a Rack Attack. I know we're not going to get a clean finish, but it was such a good match that you want one anyway.
Match Rating: ***1/2
Renee Young interviews Kane and Big Show, asking them if they're going to have any influence in Seth Rollins' match later on. They argue, because one of them is turning face soon, I bet. Rollins interrupts, stopping them from fighting. They then turn their anger on Rollins, which is kind of fun. Kane decides he won't be in Rollins' corner tonight, while Big Show just stares and leaves. That's a teaser, I guess.
Ryback vs. The Miz (with Damien Sandow)
So, Ryback had a glorified squash match against Miz last week on Smackdown, so now we're going to do it again because ... why? Sandow gets to accompany Miz this time, which is fun. Remember when we thought they'd get a singles match at WrestleMania? Those were fun times. Ryback squashes Miz again here in as mediocre a match as the two had on Smackdown.
Match Rating: *1/2
Sandow helps Miz up after the match. Miz hits his finisher on Sandow after getting to his feet. Miz is such a good heel.
We're doing the contract signing for the Cena/Rusev match next. "I hate you." "Well, I hate you." Lana isn't with Rusev, since she's filming a movie. Rusev's new valet is apparently a lawyer, and he claims that the contract is null and void since Rusev didn't give the match himself; Lana did. The lawyer has a terrible accent that sounds incredibly fake. Rusev reads from a sheet, which we're told if Cena can restrain himself throughout, he'll get his rematch. Cena restrains himself long enough for the contract to be signed before sending Rusev out of the ring. The match we don't want but are going to get is happening.
The New Day (Big E and Kofi Kingston, with Xavier Woods) vs. Cesaro and Tyson Kidd (with Natalya)
Los Matadores are at ringside. They are heels now, in case you missed Smackdown. The match isn't good, isn't given much time, and exists to affirm Los Matadores as heels, or at least tweeners. They attack New Day after the match, and then allow Cesaro to hit his finisher on Xavier Woods. El Torito then takes out Cesaro, because Cesaro is a joke.
Oh, yeah, Cesaro and Tyson Kidd won.
Match Rating: *1/2
Seth Rollins gives a pep talk to J&J Security. He and Noble have a fight, which sees Rollins slap Noble. Mercury tries to break it up. Noble quits. Mercury shrugs his shoulders and walks away, too.
A pre-recorded Brock Lesnar interview is then shown, reminding us how bad Lesnar is at talking, and why he should really let Heyman do all of his talking forever.
Big Show vs. Erick Rowan
Big Show attacks Rowan before the match. He destroys Rowan, even hitting him with a diving elbow drop. The match never starts.
Match Rating: N/A
Larry Zbyszko is the next inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame. I have nothing else to add to that statement. It's a thing.
We return from commercial with a bunch of Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal competitors in the ring. Why? So Mark Henry can come down and announce that he'll be in it. Everyone starts brawling. Hey! Heath Slater is there! He's always fun to see. And I think Zack Ryder was also there! Everyone gets thrown out but Henry and Kane. They fight before Henry "eliminates" Kane. Curtis Axel, who was hanging around outside the ring, tried to get Henry out, but he's thrown out instead. Henry becomes a favorite to win.
Paul Heyman is out next. So that's fun. He pumps up Brock Lesnar, and his mic gets cut off, which at this point is just getting old. When Heyman gets into an anti-Roman Reigns rant, Reigns comes down from the stands to confront Heyman. Reigns actually isn't bad tonight, so that's something. It's still "I can do it, I swear!" but at least it was delivered decently well.
Paul Heyman gets interviewed backstage. Brock Lesnar will be on Raw next week.
Luke Harper, Stardust, and Bad News Barrett vs. Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler, and Dean Ambrose
R-Truth walks down the stage as the match starts, as he's going to, once again, be on commentary. He's got the Intercontinental Championship strapped to his back so nobody in the ring can see it.
The match is, essentially, just the same one we saw on Smackdown. But this time, the faces have a bit more animosity. It's solid in-ring work, and the match is fine, but I just struggled to care so much. It had some near-falls which were fun, especially one involving Harper and Ziggler, but the whole "stealing the title" thing just isn't doing it for me. Ambrose winds up winning with Dirty Deeds, although it's so chaotic that none of it really matters.
Match Rating: ***
Lots of people fight over actually holding the title after the match. It's a mess that you won't care to read. Barrett winds up with it after all's said and done.
Seth Rollins interrupts Triple H and Stephanie McMahon's "looking at pictures on a cell phone" time. They tell Rollins that he needs to fix his own problems.
A Bray Wyatt promo happens next. Yep.
Randy Orton vs. Seth Rollins
Rollins comes down alone and with a mic. He says he's made a fool out of Orton in the last three hours. The Authority members all come down. It was a ruse! They're all still on Rollins' side. Orton grabs a chair. This match isn't going to happen.
Match Rating: FOUR MATCHES IN THREE HOURS.
The Authority surrounds the ring, and then a crow sound happens, the lights go dark, Sting shows up, and The Authority gets sent packing. Orton and Sting beat up J&J Security. Such is the end of another poor episode of Raw.
The Good: AJ/Nikki. 6-Man Tag. Sting.
The Bad: Four matches in over three hours. New Day/Cesaro & Kidd. Ryback/Miz.
Match of the Night: AJ Lee vs. Nikki Bella.
<color=D6D9DA>_________________________________________________________________________________
If you wish to be notified whenever I post something new, please join this <url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/groups/view/2-50-Reviews>user group.
For an archive of all my previous WWE reviews, please go <url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.846764-Marters-WWE-Reviews-Archive>here.
Talk to me on the Twitter, <url=https://twitter.com/martertweet>@martertweet.
