Spoilers follow for the March 9th episode of Raw.
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Raw opens with a Raw flashback. Wait a second! Isn't that Smackdown's thing? How dare Raw steal the one thing that made Smackdown unique? Luckily, it doesn't go on for long. Randy Orton and The Authority (sans Triple H and Stephanie McMahon) get to open up the show. How fun. Kane wants to discuss something with Randy Orton in public. He wants to prove that Orton is "one of them," because otherwise we won't believe it.
Kane and Big Show officially welcome Orton back into the stable. Even Jamie Noble gets some mic time, using it to state his displeasure with Orton's membership. Rollins addresses us, taunting that we're waiting to see Orton turn on Rollins. Which totally, 100%, absolutely will not happen at all ever. Rollins then announces he and Orton will team up tonight (in a handicap match against Roman Reigns). Orton gets the mic and wonders what happened to The Authority -- they've gotten soft. He then cuts down each member, verbally. He also says he definitely wants his revenge on Rollins. But he's just joking. It was a prank, like holding someone at gunpoint in your office building and then saying you're joking around. Yes, Chappie, that was stupid.
Daniel Bryan vs. Bad News Barrett
R-Truth is on commentary. Yes, again. Because WWE hates me, personally. So, we get to be distracted from the in-ring stuff by Truth.
That's a shame, too, because the in-ring stuff is good. Bryan consistently puts on good matches, and Barrett is a fun bRawler. They work well together. The match kind of ends awkwardly and out of nowhere, perhaps because they were running out of time. Barrett loses to the running knee (out of nowhere!), because Barrett loses all the time now. The match is good, but the finish is odd.
Match Rating: **1/2
Barrett attacks Bryan after the match, because he's the heel and is actually acting like one. Dean Ambrose comes out as Barrett makes his way up the stage and attacks Barrett. That's a face move in this case ... okay?
Dean Ambrose vs. Stardust
R-Truth remains on commentary, presumably because WWE hates me. This is a more competitive match than one might expect. I guess we need to make Stardust look like he isn't a joke, even though the chance of him winning at WrestleMania is essentially zero. Eventually, though, Ambrose hits his stupid rebound clothesline, follows it with a Dirty Deeds, and picks up the win. It's a good enough TV match, although there isn't any intrigue to it.
Match Rating: **1/2
Bad News Barrett comes out and attacks Dean Ambrose after the match. Bryan follows to make the save. Luke Harper is next, followed by Dolph Ziggler. Everyone bRawls. Meanwhile, R-Truth once again steals the Intercontinental Championship. Barrett is eventually the last one standing, and he tries to get R-Truth to give him the title, which Truth hid in a burlap sack. Truth gives Barrett a sack, but it doesn't contain the real title -- it's a replica belt. Truth then escapes with the actual Intercontinental Championship.
So, explain this to me. The match has already been made at WrestleMania. Who cares whether or not you have the physical belt for a few weeks? I don't get why it matters to anyone but Barrett.
We're then told that the next inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame is Connor "The Crusher" Michalek, a kid for whom the WWE already started the "Connor's Cure" foundation, and is now getting a posthumous induction into the Hall of Fame, getting the "Warrior Award," whatever that means. How sweet.
Speaking of sweet, Paul Heyman is cutting a promo after the commercial break. He intros a video about Roman Reigns, and then brings down Brock Lesnar. Heyman kills it on the mic, but he doesn't really do or say a whole lot beyond what he already has. It makes Lesnar look great. Bray Wyatt gets to do a brief backstage thing, which is also good but same-y.
Kane and Big Show vs. Erick Rowan and Ryback
A slow, uninvolving match sees Erick Rowan pick up the win after only a few minutes. No, really. Ryback does most of the selling -- again: no, really -- before hot tagging in Rowan who gets to win. It's not immediate, though. Big Show accidentally punches Kane, and Rowan gets to pin Kane for the win.
Match Rating: *1/2
Big Show and Kane argue in the ring after the match, which results in Stephanie McMahon coming down to the ring. She isn't happy. She insults them and throws them out of the ring -- not physically, of course -- and then out of the entire arena. That's it.
The Miz and Wiz Khalifa have a segment backstage. Miz wants to do an album with Khalifa, but Khalifa decides to go with "Wizdow" instead. "Wizdow" raps and also enters himself into the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. Khalifa does a song live after the commercial break. It's a song that's on the WWE 2K15 soundtrack. That's the only way I could recognize it. He then moves onto another song, one which I do not recognize. It is just as bad. He does a third song, which is even worse because at one point he tried to actually sing. What is this C-list (at best) celebrity doing taking up an entire segment on my wrestling show?
Nikki and Brie Bella get interviewed backstage, which is essentially just to promote the WWE/Flintstones crossover movie.
Summer Rae (with <color=red>Eva Marie and Cameron) vs. AJ Lee (with Paige)
<color=red>Eva Marie! In the actual arena part of the show! This is amazing!
Summer Rae is just ... she's awful. She couldn't do anything properly in this match. Why wasn't <color=red>Eva Marie in the match instead? I don't know why. AJ wins with a Black Widow, because of course she does. This is not good.
Match Rating: *1/2
A "Sting" video package airs. It's all just pre-recorded footage with voiceover narration. I put quotes around "Sting" because I'm pretty sure it's not him. "He" talks about why he wants to fight Triple H, which winds up being reasons Triple H already told us in his promos. Waste of a segment!
John Cena then approaches Rusev and Lana backstage. He essentially says nothing.
Rusev (with Lana) vs. Curtis Axel
Rusev squashes Axel.
Match Rating: *
Rusev gets a mic after the match. He claims Axel is representative of all of America. Cena comes down to beat him up, getting Rusev into the STF. He makes Rusev pass out to the STF. Good for him. What a great babyface, attacking someone for no reason. He then wakes Rusev up with a splash of water and then locks in the STF again, torturing someone for absolutely no reason.
Lana begs Cena to let Rusev go, and gives Cena a match at WrestleMania to get him to do that. Apparently torturing and bullying is what our top babyface is telling us to do.
Wyatt does another backstage promo, saying that tonight he raises the dead. Will we get an Undertaker appearance? We'd better, just to make up for the tripe we've seen sat through thus far.
Rusev gets mad at Lana backstage for giving Cena a match. At least, I assume that's what he's mad at. The whole segment is in Russian.
The New Day (Big E and Xavier Woods, with Kofi Kingston) vs. Cesaro and Tyson Kidd (with Natalya)
A boring, uninvolving match in which three good wrestlers, and Big E, do little of interest or value. Xavier Woods wins with one of the weakest things I've seen in a while. It's not even a roll-up -- it was just dumb.
Match Rating: *1/2
The Usos and Naomi come down afterward, because Naomi has a match. WWE must've been really short on time tonight, since this sort of thing happens a few times.
Natalya (with Cesaro and Tyson Kidd) vs. Naomi (with The Usos)
The match starts during the commercial break, because DOWNLOAD THE WWE APP ALREADY. What we get to see winds up being the most technically sound wrestling we get to see all night. Well, apart from the point at which there should've been a three-count, but it just didn't get called because the match wasn't supposed to end. Sadly, the Usos and Cesaro/Kidd wind up getting involved with each other, Natalya gets distracted, and Naomi wins with the Rear View.
Match Rating: **
The Usos (with Naomi) vs. Los Matadores (Diego and Fernando, with El Torito)
A large portion of this match happens during the commercial break, too, because DOWNLOAD THE WWE APP ALREADY. What we get to see afterward is ... not fun. It's a mediocre-at-best match. That's even being too generous. El Torito distracts an Uso which allows for a matador to win. I wish I knew who was which and where was when, but I don't.
Match Rating: *1/2
Seth Rollins and J&J Security talk about whether or not Rollins can trust Randy Orton. Of course he can't! But he thinks he can.
Bray Wyatt is out next. He's hoping to get The Undertaker to show up. So are we. He cuts a promo about stuff and things. Eventually he asks The Undertaker for a match at WrestleMania. He's got the urn. He opens the urn and then laughs. Smoke eventually comes out of the urn and lights begin to flicker. The Undertaker's gong happens a few times. A spotlight is shone on Wyatt's chair. "You will rest in peace" is said, having been previously recorded. Then lightning strikes the chair, setting it on fire. No, we don't get to see Undertaker. The segment was cool enough, though.
Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins and Randy Orton (with J&J Security)
Orton and J&J Security have a couple of arguments, which eventually sees Rollins banish them from ringside so that Orton doesn't get angry at The Authority. Orton refuses to tag in from Rollins, and then flips him double birds, which the producers try to censor but only somewhat succeed in doing. What a shocking turn. Reigns then spears Rollins to pick up the win.
Match Rating: *1/2
Orton beats up Rollins a whole bunch outside the ring. He eventually takes the abuse into the crowd. It concludes with an RKO through the announcer's table. No punt, guys.
The Good: <color=red>Eva Marie! Undertaker (kind of).
The Bad: Rusev/Axel. Kane & Big Show/Rowan & Ryback. Rae/Lee. Los Matadores/Usos. New Day/Cesaro & Kidd. Reigns/Rollins & Orton.
Match of the Night: Daniel Bryan vs. Bad News Barrett.
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Raw opens with a Raw flashback. Wait a second! Isn't that Smackdown's thing? How dare Raw steal the one thing that made Smackdown unique? Luckily, it doesn't go on for long. Randy Orton and The Authority (sans Triple H and Stephanie McMahon) get to open up the show. How fun. Kane wants to discuss something with Randy Orton in public. He wants to prove that Orton is "one of them," because otherwise we won't believe it.
Kane and Big Show officially welcome Orton back into the stable. Even Jamie Noble gets some mic time, using it to state his displeasure with Orton's membership. Rollins addresses us, taunting that we're waiting to see Orton turn on Rollins. Which totally, 100%, absolutely will not happen at all ever. Rollins then announces he and Orton will team up tonight (in a handicap match against Roman Reigns). Orton gets the mic and wonders what happened to The Authority -- they've gotten soft. He then cuts down each member, verbally. He also says he definitely wants his revenge on Rollins. But he's just joking. It was a prank, like holding someone at gunpoint in your office building and then saying you're joking around. Yes, Chappie, that was stupid.
Daniel Bryan vs. Bad News Barrett
R-Truth is on commentary. Yes, again. Because WWE hates me, personally. So, we get to be distracted from the in-ring stuff by Truth.
That's a shame, too, because the in-ring stuff is good. Bryan consistently puts on good matches, and Barrett is a fun bRawler. They work well together. The match kind of ends awkwardly and out of nowhere, perhaps because they were running out of time. Barrett loses to the running knee (out of nowhere!), because Barrett loses all the time now. The match is good, but the finish is odd.
Match Rating: **1/2
Barrett attacks Bryan after the match, because he's the heel and is actually acting like one. Dean Ambrose comes out as Barrett makes his way up the stage and attacks Barrett. That's a face move in this case ... okay?
Dean Ambrose vs. Stardust
R-Truth remains on commentary, presumably because WWE hates me. This is a more competitive match than one might expect. I guess we need to make Stardust look like he isn't a joke, even though the chance of him winning at WrestleMania is essentially zero. Eventually, though, Ambrose hits his stupid rebound clothesline, follows it with a Dirty Deeds, and picks up the win. It's a good enough TV match, although there isn't any intrigue to it.
Match Rating: **1/2
Bad News Barrett comes out and attacks Dean Ambrose after the match. Bryan follows to make the save. Luke Harper is next, followed by Dolph Ziggler. Everyone bRawls. Meanwhile, R-Truth once again steals the Intercontinental Championship. Barrett is eventually the last one standing, and he tries to get R-Truth to give him the title, which Truth hid in a burlap sack. Truth gives Barrett a sack, but it doesn't contain the real title -- it's a replica belt. Truth then escapes with the actual Intercontinental Championship.
So, explain this to me. The match has already been made at WrestleMania. Who cares whether or not you have the physical belt for a few weeks? I don't get why it matters to anyone but Barrett.
We're then told that the next inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame is Connor "The Crusher" Michalek, a kid for whom the WWE already started the "Connor's Cure" foundation, and is now getting a posthumous induction into the Hall of Fame, getting the "Warrior Award," whatever that means. How sweet.
Speaking of sweet, Paul Heyman is cutting a promo after the commercial break. He intros a video about Roman Reigns, and then brings down Brock Lesnar. Heyman kills it on the mic, but he doesn't really do or say a whole lot beyond what he already has. It makes Lesnar look great. Bray Wyatt gets to do a brief backstage thing, which is also good but same-y.
Kane and Big Show vs. Erick Rowan and Ryback
A slow, uninvolving match sees Erick Rowan pick up the win after only a few minutes. No, really. Ryback does most of the selling -- again: no, really -- before hot tagging in Rowan who gets to win. It's not immediate, though. Big Show accidentally punches Kane, and Rowan gets to pin Kane for the win.
Match Rating: *1/2
Big Show and Kane argue in the ring after the match, which results in Stephanie McMahon coming down to the ring. She isn't happy. She insults them and throws them out of the ring -- not physically, of course -- and then out of the entire arena. That's it.
The Miz and Wiz Khalifa have a segment backstage. Miz wants to do an album with Khalifa, but Khalifa decides to go with "Wizdow" instead. "Wizdow" raps and also enters himself into the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. Khalifa does a song live after the commercial break. It's a song that's on the WWE 2K15 soundtrack. That's the only way I could recognize it. He then moves onto another song, one which I do not recognize. It is just as bad. He does a third song, which is even worse because at one point he tried to actually sing. What is this C-list (at best) celebrity doing taking up an entire segment on my wrestling show?
Nikki and Brie Bella get interviewed backstage, which is essentially just to promote the WWE/Flintstones crossover movie.
Summer Rae (with <color=red>Eva Marie and Cameron) vs. AJ Lee (with Paige)
<color=red>Eva Marie! In the actual arena part of the show! This is amazing!
Summer Rae is just ... she's awful. She couldn't do anything properly in this match. Why wasn't <color=red>Eva Marie in the match instead? I don't know why. AJ wins with a Black Widow, because of course she does. This is not good.
Match Rating: *1/2
A "Sting" video package airs. It's all just pre-recorded footage with voiceover narration. I put quotes around "Sting" because I'm pretty sure it's not him. "He" talks about why he wants to fight Triple H, which winds up being reasons Triple H already told us in his promos. Waste of a segment!
John Cena then approaches Rusev and Lana backstage. He essentially says nothing.
Rusev (with Lana) vs. Curtis Axel
Rusev squashes Axel.
Match Rating: *
Rusev gets a mic after the match. He claims Axel is representative of all of America. Cena comes down to beat him up, getting Rusev into the STF. He makes Rusev pass out to the STF. Good for him. What a great babyface, attacking someone for no reason. He then wakes Rusev up with a splash of water and then locks in the STF again, torturing someone for absolutely no reason.
Lana begs Cena to let Rusev go, and gives Cena a match at WrestleMania to get him to do that. Apparently torturing and bullying is what our top babyface is telling us to do.
Wyatt does another backstage promo, saying that tonight he raises the dead. Will we get an Undertaker appearance? We'd better, just to make up for the tripe we've seen sat through thus far.
Rusev gets mad at Lana backstage for giving Cena a match. At least, I assume that's what he's mad at. The whole segment is in Russian.
The New Day (Big E and Xavier Woods, with Kofi Kingston) vs. Cesaro and Tyson Kidd (with Natalya)
A boring, uninvolving match in which three good wrestlers, and Big E, do little of interest or value. Xavier Woods wins with one of the weakest things I've seen in a while. It's not even a roll-up -- it was just dumb.
Match Rating: *1/2
The Usos and Naomi come down afterward, because Naomi has a match. WWE must've been really short on time tonight, since this sort of thing happens a few times.
Natalya (with Cesaro and Tyson Kidd) vs. Naomi (with The Usos)
The match starts during the commercial break, because DOWNLOAD THE WWE APP ALREADY. What we get to see winds up being the most technically sound wrestling we get to see all night. Well, apart from the point at which there should've been a three-count, but it just didn't get called because the match wasn't supposed to end. Sadly, the Usos and Cesaro/Kidd wind up getting involved with each other, Natalya gets distracted, and Naomi wins with the Rear View.
Match Rating: **
The Usos (with Naomi) vs. Los Matadores (Diego and Fernando, with El Torito)
A large portion of this match happens during the commercial break, too, because DOWNLOAD THE WWE APP ALREADY. What we get to see afterward is ... not fun. It's a mediocre-at-best match. That's even being too generous. El Torito distracts an Uso which allows for a matador to win. I wish I knew who was which and where was when, but I don't.
Match Rating: *1/2
Seth Rollins and J&J Security talk about whether or not Rollins can trust Randy Orton. Of course he can't! But he thinks he can.
Bray Wyatt is out next. He's hoping to get The Undertaker to show up. So are we. He cuts a promo about stuff and things. Eventually he asks The Undertaker for a match at WrestleMania. He's got the urn. He opens the urn and then laughs. Smoke eventually comes out of the urn and lights begin to flicker. The Undertaker's gong happens a few times. A spotlight is shone on Wyatt's chair. "You will rest in peace" is said, having been previously recorded. Then lightning strikes the chair, setting it on fire. No, we don't get to see Undertaker. The segment was cool enough, though.
Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins and Randy Orton (with J&J Security)
Orton and J&J Security have a couple of arguments, which eventually sees Rollins banish them from ringside so that Orton doesn't get angry at The Authority. Orton refuses to tag in from Rollins, and then flips him double birds, which the producers try to censor but only somewhat succeed in doing. What a shocking turn. Reigns then spears Rollins to pick up the win.
Match Rating: *1/2
Orton beats up Rollins a whole bunch outside the ring. He eventually takes the abuse into the crowd. It concludes with an RKO through the announcer's table. No punt, guys.
The Good: <color=red>Eva Marie! Undertaker (kind of).
The Bad: Rusev/Axel. Kane & Big Show/Rowan & Ryback. Rae/Lee. Los Matadores/Usos. New Day/Cesaro & Kidd. Reigns/Rollins & Orton.
Match of the Night: Daniel Bryan vs. Bad News Barrett.
<color=D6D9DA>_________________________________________________________________________________
If you wish to be notified whenever I post something new, please join this <url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/groups/view/2-50-Reviews>user group.
For an archive of all my previous WWE reviews, please go <url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.846764-Marters-WWE-Reviews-Archive>here.
Talk to me on the Twitter, <url=https://twitter.com/martertweet>@martertweet.
