Spoilers follow for the May 12th episode of Raw.
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Le sigh.
Raw opens with The Shield cutting a promo about how they're not happy with Evolution and they want a rematch at Payback and all that good stuff. They claim they'll hunt down Evolution. Conveniently, Evolution shows up at that very moment. The Shield ambushes them backstage, reminding us that a punch that doesn't happen during a match does at least 30x the damage. Referees separate the factions.
Rob Van Dam vs. Jack Swagger (with Zeb Colter)
Before the match, Adam Rose and his Rosebuds show up. They distract Swagger, so RVD gets a kick and a Five-Star Frog Splash in for the victory. What a waste of both men. Adam Rose needs to get in the ring soon or else any interest he's generating is going to be lost.
Match Rating: *
Alicia Fox vs. Paige
Before the match, Alicia Fox grabs a mic and talks about how nobody likes Paige -- she doesn't fit in (presumably because she's actually good at this wrestling thing). Alicia is angry, and is going to prove something tonight.
Well, that didn't happen. Alicia has about three moves in her repertoire, and that's not enough to carry a match, which she's asked to do. Paige takes the brunt of the offense, as has been the norm for her matches. A reversal and a Paige Turner(!) later, and Paige wins. Apparently the Paige Turner, which we haven't seen since her debut, is an insta-win move. Paige landed a single move, the Paige Turner, on AJ to win the Divas Championship, and here she lands that one move for a victory again. Watch how it'll go from a OHKO move to something kicked out of after a back-and-forth match. It'll happen once AJ comes back. Probably.
Match Rating: **
Alicia gets angry and destroys some things at ringside after losing. Okay.
Following the commercial break, Daniel Bryan comes out. He says that this has been the best point in his life, but that his neck is hurt and he needs surgery. Why is he telling us this? I don't really know. Usually WWE just "injures" their Superstars, while here he's just saying he'll be out for a while. Is this the "Reality Era" style of writing people off TV? Huh.
John Cena and The Usos (Jimmy and Jey Uso) vs. The Wyatt Family (Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper, Erick Rowan)
The rematch from Smackdown is ... basically the same match from Smackdown. The Usos are not in the same class as the rest of the performers, and it really shows. It doesn't help that they've been randomly forced into this position, as they've got nothing to do in the tag team division right now. The lesser stars are in the ring for most of the match -- Harper and Rowan beat up The Usos -- before Cena eventually gets tagged in and does his Cena thing, eventually winding up with the victory. It was so dull that I contemplated sleep. The Cena/Wyatt feud needs to end at Payback. It's lost all of its momentum, in large part thanks to a lackluster series of matches.
Match Rating: **
Next up is Evolution, saying essentially exactly the same thing that The Shield said earlier, except with more authority to make matches. There are going to be three singles matches at Payback, it appears. The Shield interrupts and chases Evolution from the ring, but Batista grabs a mic and challenges Roman Reigns to a match later on. That's going to be our main event, folks, because having the worst wrestlers from both teams square off is the way to get people excited about the feud. Wait, no, that's the complete opposite of what it is.
Nikki Bella vs. Natalya
Apparently Nikki painted Natalya a painting on Total Divas but Natalya rejected it, so that's why this match exists. A few Total Divas cast members are at ringside and are "judging" the match by throwing up random numbers after every move. This includes Brie Bella, who is no longer afraid that Kane might try to get her, even though her husband is now out with an injury. WWE logic, am I right?
Nikki is the worst Bella twin in the ring, and Natalya has gotten really bad as of late. Their match reflects this. It's boring, it lacks flow, and it has nothing at all to excite anyone who doesn't watch Total Divas. Nikki won with a roll up. That's how good it was.
Match Rating: *
Sheamus vs. Curtis Axel (with Ryback)
Axel and Ryback flip a coin before the match to determine who will fight Sheamus. It seemed like a foregone conclusion that Sheamus would win, but Axel put up a bit of offense. It wasn't a great match, but it was moderately entertaining. Axel missed a move -- I still don't know what it was; he basically just jumped in the air and fell -- and Sheamus locked in the Cloverleaf for the win.
Match Rating: **
Ryback jumps in the ring afterward, challenging Sheamus to a second match. So that happens.
Sheamus vs. Ryback (with Curtis Axel)
This is a longer, more back-and-forth match. Ryback's power is on full display, Sheamus gets to do his brawler shtick, and the two entertain by trading blows rather consistently. Ryback looks like he might pick up the victory more than a couple of times, and that's probably what should have happened. Sheamus already fought Axel, and losing a second match right after wouldn't hurt him. Instead, Brogue Kick and a three count. Sheamus beats both Ryback and Axel, stopping all momentum the team had built up. He's somehow being booked stronger than resident monster heel Rusev; he actually beat two opponents in one night.
Match Rating: ***
Stephanie McMahon comes out to talk about how she was right all along. Daniel Bryan is not an A+ player. She also says she needs to tell Bryan something, and asks him to come down. Kane's music hits. Kane drags Bryan's lifeless body to the stage and then leaves. A stretcher, and ambulance, and a Bella twin later, and the segment finally ends. We should give Kane the title right now. That doesn't happen.
So, if we were telling people outright that Bryan was hurt, why also have Kane destroy him to write him off TV? One or the other should have happened. Not both. It doesn't make any sense.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Fandango (with Layla)
Are we done with the Santino/Fandango "feud" now? Please? Yes? Okay. Let's waste Ziggler on Fandango instead! To be fair, Ziggler and Fandango work well together and put on a better-than-expected match, even though it was short and uninteresting. There was about one semi-cool spot, but most of it was the same old things without a lot of flow or any stakes at all. Ziggler wins after a distraction, because we can't let Ziggler beat Fandango clean.
Match Rating: **
After the match, Fandango tells Layla he loves her. JBL screams that we need to cut to a commercial break after they start kissing. Everyone watching agrees.
The commercial break ends with Jim Duggan coming out to the ring. Can we go back to commercials? No? Darn. He's interrupted by Lana, who brings out Rusev to beat up Duggan. Big E comes out for the save, but is quickly tossed from the ring. I was only kidding about that #RacistRusev thing last week, but it seems like we're building up to Mark Henry when it comes to Rusev beating up Black Superstars. WWE should make that a real thing and get lots of heat on Rusev for it.
Damien Sandow vs. Cody Rhodes (with Goldust)
I was serious when I tweeted that Sandow and Rhodes would probably wind up being the best match of the night. It seriously was. Strong technical wrestling, plenty of close calls, some good counters -- given the competitors and its placement on the card, it was great. We even got a hint as to how the Rhodes brothers are going to break up. Cody won the match with an eye rake followed by a Disaster Kick. Cody will be the heel, it seems. Great!
Match Rating: ***1/2
Bray Wyatt cuts a promo on the Titantron afterward. I think he said the words "last man standing," which may or may not be hinting at something. I maintain that this feud needs to end.
Roman Reigns (with Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins) vs. Batista (with Triple H and Randy Orton)
If the idea of this match was to get me more excited for this feud, it failed. If it was to have a good match, it failed. If it was to fill time, it succeeded, I suppose. But where was our new Intercontinental champion, Bad News Barrett? Or Cesaro? Could they not have been in a match to fill the time? We already had a couple of Shield/Evolution segments tonight.
Batista and Reigns are the weakest wrestlers on their respective teams and they were boring in the main event. They couldn't do much with one another, and it seemed pretty likely that it would end with a large brawl anyway, making the match seem like unnecessary foreplay. Lo and behold, a brawl broke out, a bunch of random Superstars came down at the request of Stephanie McMahon, and The Shield beat up everyone somehow. And then they singled out specific Superstars, the most prominent of which was Ryback. It wasn't enough that he and Axel were fed to Sheamus, but now he gets to be The Shield's whipping boy. Way to continue to ruin the tag team division, WWE.
Match Rating: **
It's possible that a better Raw was planned and then scrapped after the news of Bryan's injury, but if you need to replace him, you can't leave Superstars like Barrett and Cesaro in the locker room.
The Good: Sandow/Rhodes.
The Bad: Everything else.
Match of the Night: Damien Sandow vs. Cody Rhodes.
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http://i55.servimg.com/u/f55/16/09/70/40/raw_lo10.png
Le sigh.
Raw opens with The Shield cutting a promo about how they're not happy with Evolution and they want a rematch at Payback and all that good stuff. They claim they'll hunt down Evolution. Conveniently, Evolution shows up at that very moment. The Shield ambushes them backstage, reminding us that a punch that doesn't happen during a match does at least 30x the damage. Referees separate the factions.
Rob Van Dam vs. Jack Swagger (with Zeb Colter)
Before the match, Adam Rose and his Rosebuds show up. They distract Swagger, so RVD gets a kick and a Five-Star Frog Splash in for the victory. What a waste of both men. Adam Rose needs to get in the ring soon or else any interest he's generating is going to be lost.
Match Rating: *
Alicia Fox vs. Paige
Before the match, Alicia Fox grabs a mic and talks about how nobody likes Paige -- she doesn't fit in (presumably because she's actually good at this wrestling thing). Alicia is angry, and is going to prove something tonight.
Well, that didn't happen. Alicia has about three moves in her repertoire, and that's not enough to carry a match, which she's asked to do. Paige takes the brunt of the offense, as has been the norm for her matches. A reversal and a Paige Turner(!) later, and Paige wins. Apparently the Paige Turner, which we haven't seen since her debut, is an insta-win move. Paige landed a single move, the Paige Turner, on AJ to win the Divas Championship, and here she lands that one move for a victory again. Watch how it'll go from a OHKO move to something kicked out of after a back-and-forth match. It'll happen once AJ comes back. Probably.
Match Rating: **
Alicia gets angry and destroys some things at ringside after losing. Okay.
Following the commercial break, Daniel Bryan comes out. He says that this has been the best point in his life, but that his neck is hurt and he needs surgery. Why is he telling us this? I don't really know. Usually WWE just "injures" their Superstars, while here he's just saying he'll be out for a while. Is this the "Reality Era" style of writing people off TV? Huh.
John Cena and The Usos (Jimmy and Jey Uso) vs. The Wyatt Family (Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper, Erick Rowan)
The rematch from Smackdown is ... basically the same match from Smackdown. The Usos are not in the same class as the rest of the performers, and it really shows. It doesn't help that they've been randomly forced into this position, as they've got nothing to do in the tag team division right now. The lesser stars are in the ring for most of the match -- Harper and Rowan beat up The Usos -- before Cena eventually gets tagged in and does his Cena thing, eventually winding up with the victory. It was so dull that I contemplated sleep. The Cena/Wyatt feud needs to end at Payback. It's lost all of its momentum, in large part thanks to a lackluster series of matches.
Match Rating: **
Next up is Evolution, saying essentially exactly the same thing that The Shield said earlier, except with more authority to make matches. There are going to be three singles matches at Payback, it appears. The Shield interrupts and chases Evolution from the ring, but Batista grabs a mic and challenges Roman Reigns to a match later on. That's going to be our main event, folks, because having the worst wrestlers from both teams square off is the way to get people excited about the feud. Wait, no, that's the complete opposite of what it is.
Nikki Bella vs. Natalya
Apparently Nikki painted Natalya a painting on Total Divas but Natalya rejected it, so that's why this match exists. A few Total Divas cast members are at ringside and are "judging" the match by throwing up random numbers after every move. This includes Brie Bella, who is no longer afraid that Kane might try to get her, even though her husband is now out with an injury. WWE logic, am I right?
Nikki is the worst Bella twin in the ring, and Natalya has gotten really bad as of late. Their match reflects this. It's boring, it lacks flow, and it has nothing at all to excite anyone who doesn't watch Total Divas. Nikki won with a roll up. That's how good it was.
Match Rating: *
Sheamus vs. Curtis Axel (with Ryback)
Axel and Ryback flip a coin before the match to determine who will fight Sheamus. It seemed like a foregone conclusion that Sheamus would win, but Axel put up a bit of offense. It wasn't a great match, but it was moderately entertaining. Axel missed a move -- I still don't know what it was; he basically just jumped in the air and fell -- and Sheamus locked in the Cloverleaf for the win.
Match Rating: **
Ryback jumps in the ring afterward, challenging Sheamus to a second match. So that happens.
Sheamus vs. Ryback (with Curtis Axel)
This is a longer, more back-and-forth match. Ryback's power is on full display, Sheamus gets to do his brawler shtick, and the two entertain by trading blows rather consistently. Ryback looks like he might pick up the victory more than a couple of times, and that's probably what should have happened. Sheamus already fought Axel, and losing a second match right after wouldn't hurt him. Instead, Brogue Kick and a three count. Sheamus beats both Ryback and Axel, stopping all momentum the team had built up. He's somehow being booked stronger than resident monster heel Rusev; he actually beat two opponents in one night.
Match Rating: ***
Stephanie McMahon comes out to talk about how she was right all along. Daniel Bryan is not an A+ player. She also says she needs to tell Bryan something, and asks him to come down. Kane's music hits. Kane drags Bryan's lifeless body to the stage and then leaves. A stretcher, and ambulance, and a Bella twin later, and the segment finally ends. We should give Kane the title right now. That doesn't happen.
So, if we were telling people outright that Bryan was hurt, why also have Kane destroy him to write him off TV? One or the other should have happened. Not both. It doesn't make any sense.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Fandango (with Layla)
Are we done with the Santino/Fandango "feud" now? Please? Yes? Okay. Let's waste Ziggler on Fandango instead! To be fair, Ziggler and Fandango work well together and put on a better-than-expected match, even though it was short and uninteresting. There was about one semi-cool spot, but most of it was the same old things without a lot of flow or any stakes at all. Ziggler wins after a distraction, because we can't let Ziggler beat Fandango clean.
Match Rating: **
After the match, Fandango tells Layla he loves her. JBL screams that we need to cut to a commercial break after they start kissing. Everyone watching agrees.
The commercial break ends with Jim Duggan coming out to the ring. Can we go back to commercials? No? Darn. He's interrupted by Lana, who brings out Rusev to beat up Duggan. Big E comes out for the save, but is quickly tossed from the ring. I was only kidding about that #RacistRusev thing last week, but it seems like we're building up to Mark Henry when it comes to Rusev beating up Black Superstars. WWE should make that a real thing and get lots of heat on Rusev for it.
Damien Sandow vs. Cody Rhodes (with Goldust)
I was serious when I tweeted that Sandow and Rhodes would probably wind up being the best match of the night. It seriously was. Strong technical wrestling, plenty of close calls, some good counters -- given the competitors and its placement on the card, it was great. We even got a hint as to how the Rhodes brothers are going to break up. Cody won the match with an eye rake followed by a Disaster Kick. Cody will be the heel, it seems. Great!
Match Rating: ***1/2
Bray Wyatt cuts a promo on the Titantron afterward. I think he said the words "last man standing," which may or may not be hinting at something. I maintain that this feud needs to end.
Roman Reigns (with Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins) vs. Batista (with Triple H and Randy Orton)
If the idea of this match was to get me more excited for this feud, it failed. If it was to have a good match, it failed. If it was to fill time, it succeeded, I suppose. But where was our new Intercontinental champion, Bad News Barrett? Or Cesaro? Could they not have been in a match to fill the time? We already had a couple of Shield/Evolution segments tonight.
Batista and Reigns are the weakest wrestlers on their respective teams and they were boring in the main event. They couldn't do much with one another, and it seemed pretty likely that it would end with a large brawl anyway, making the match seem like unnecessary foreplay. Lo and behold, a brawl broke out, a bunch of random Superstars came down at the request of Stephanie McMahon, and The Shield beat up everyone somehow. And then they singled out specific Superstars, the most prominent of which was Ryback. It wasn't enough that he and Axel were fed to Sheamus, but now he gets to be The Shield's whipping boy. Way to continue to ruin the tag team division, WWE.
Match Rating: **
It's possible that a better Raw was planned and then scrapped after the news of Bryan's injury, but if you need to replace him, you can't leave Superstars like Barrett and Cesaro in the locker room.
The Good: Sandow/Rhodes.
The Bad: Everything else.
Match of the Night: Damien Sandow vs. Cody Rhodes.
<color=D6D9DA>_________________________________________________________________________________
If you wish to be notified whenever I post something new, please join this <url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/groups/view/2-50-Reviews>user group.
For an archive of all my previous WWE reviews, please go <url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.846764-Marters-WWE-Reviews-Archive>here.
Talk to me on the Twitter, <url=https://twitter.com/martertweet>@martertweet.