Spoilers follow for the September 29th episode of Raw.
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Raw is once again in Chicago, so that means, probably, that CM Punk will return tonight. Just like he totally did last time, and that other time, and at that one PPV where everyone was, like, super sure he'd come back.
Raw opens with a flashback to the last few weeks of Raw, during which time we've re-opened the Seth Rollins/Dean Ambrose feud. Then the Authority comes out, hopefully to silence the inevitable "CM Punk" chants right now. One can hope, anyway. Because, you know, you're an idiot if you continue to chant the name of someone who left while still under contract, detracting from the talented athletes still working. Oh, and if AJ Lee isn't on the show, it's 100% your fault.
Stephanie asks why the fans continue to cheer for quitters. She launches into a quitting diatribe. She winds up talking about Ambrose and Rollins afterward. Triple H says that the MITB contract is a symbol of this business, and that he won't let anybody disrespect this business. Paul Heyman interrupts. He says that Brock Lesnar feels disrespected. Heyman has been told to come here to find out if Lesnar has a problem with Rollins. Rollins then comes out. Rollins said The Authority didn't tell him to try to cash in at Night of Champions. He did that. He wanted to beat the best. "CM Punk" chants start up and Rollins just shakes his head and looks down. He apologizes for offending Lesnar. Triple H shakes Heyman's hand before Heyman departs.
Dean Ambrose shows up on the titantron after Rollins begins talking about him. Ambrose tells Rollins to come get the briefcase if he wants it. The Authority begins to leave but John Cena comes. Cena attacks Rollins, but Rollins escapes through the crowd and gets back to the stage. Then we cut to commercial. Hopefully, during the commercial, Cena chastises the crowd for their abysmal chanting of he-who-left-you. But that's probably not happening.
A backstage segment has The Authority telling security that they have the ... authority to take the briefcase from Ambrose.
WWE Intercontinental Championship Match: Cesaro vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz (with Damien Sandow)
You know, if Miz won, the "CM Punk" chants would overwhelm the arena. So it had to be Ziggler retaining, Cesaro winning, or Sandow somehow managing to fool everyone into thinking he was Miz and then winning it himself, which honestly would be the best thing ever.
The match is exciting. They're all good workers -- yes, even Miz -- and they put on a good show. It's basically just entertaining spot after entertaining spot. That's what we needed. Or, what the crowd needed. There was at least one spot I don't recall ever seeing -- even though I'm sure it's happened. It was lots of fun, and, as was the most likely to happen, Ziggler retains. Not off his own move, but that's fine. Miz is hit with an uppercut, Cesaro is kicked out of the ring, and Ziggler pinned Miz for the win.
Match Rating: ***1/2
Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury -- the two security guards Triple H appointed -- are shown looking for Dean Ambrose backstage. They eventually reach The Great Khali, who says he can't hear Noble, because Noble is short. He said it in English. I don't remember Khali ever speaking English before. Huh. Oh, and Big E made an appearance. So that's a thing that happened.
A Bray Wyatt promo is next. It's a pre-recorded thing about how Wyatt found Luke Harper and made him a member of his family.
Noble and Mercury report back to The Authority, and explain that they can't find Dean Ambrose. Stephanie tells them they're fired if they can't find Ambrose. Miz and Sandow show up. Sandow does the speaking, but as Miz. He demands a one-on-one rematch for the title. Sandow gets a match with Sheamus. Miz is buried verbally by Triple H.
Rosa Mendes (with Natalya and Tyson Kidd) vs. Layla (with Summer Rae)
The match is so bad that we have to continually cut between it and "drama" between Natalya and Kidd at ringside. Rosa really is the worst Diva on the roster.
Layla wins after her finisher "The Lay Out," and that's that.
Match Rating: *
Dean Ambrose comes down to the ring after the commercial break, and sets up a table on which he places the MITB briefcase. We're having a "Dean Ambrose Clearance Sale." So, he plans to give away lots of Seth Rollins' personal stuff. The security force comes down to the ring. Ambrose tells them that if they want the briefcase, they can come into the ring to get it. Noble and Mercury leave. Ambrose gives away a whole bunch of t-shirts and stuff.
Noble and Mercury come down with Seth Rollins and a whole team of security personnel. Ambrose asks them if they were Rosebuds last week. It was a great line. Ambrose says he's sorry and leaves through the crowd. Rollins takes the briefcase and opens it, and is sprayed with green slime. Ha.
Another comedy segment takes place backstage. Then Mark Henry comes out. He apologizes to America. Bo Dallas interrupts. We're doing this match.
Mark Henry vs. Bo Dallas
Henry squashes Dallas. He misses one move and then Dallas his the Running Bodog and wins. I quit. That was awful, awful, awful.
Match Rating: *
Bo Dallas is interviewed backstage. All you have to do is bolieve. Henry then comes up from behind Dallas and destroys him. Is this a Henry heel turn? Maybe.
Stardust and Goldust cut a backstage promo. No, I don't know what it's about.
Brie Bella vs. Cameron and Eva Marie
Brie comes out first. She is ready for a match. Nikki comes out. She cuts a promo reminding us about Brie quitting the company. We're finally getting that justification for Nikki's turn. Nikki announces that Brie's in a handicap match. She's facing Cameron and Eva Marie.
Eva Marie. Is on Raw. Again. Thank goodness. It's been too long. the crowd is completely disrespectful to the Divas in this match. They should be ashamed of themselves.
The heels dominate most of the match, but Brie gets a rollup victory. Boo. Eva Marie should have won.
Match Rating: *1/2
Los Matadores (Diego and Fernando, with El Torito) vs. Slator Gator (Heath Slater and Titus O'Neil, with Hornswoggle)
Adam Rose is on commentary. Slator Gator has a theme song and stuff now. And they come out with someone dressed in a gator costume. Okay.
The match is boring, uneventful, and not good. Slater Gator wins. Why? I dunno. I fell asleep.
Match Rating: *
Hornswoggle does a gator roll on El Torito after the match. Adam Rose sends in the bunny to distract Slater Gator, and then attack Heath Slater. What is even going on?
Rusev and Lana come out next to discuss what happened on Smackdown, when Big Show basically destroyed Rusev. Lana tries to paint Big Show as a terrible person for ambushing Rusev after the match. Big Show comes out with a smile on his face. He knows what propaganda is. Big Show shows us what really happened. After that, Rusev starts talking. In English. Big Show charges the ring, chasing Rusev from the ring. Big Show then rips down the Russian flag that we continually have hanging after Rusev matches. That almost gets Rusev to charge the ring, but he never really does. He gets in there once, but is tossed back out almost immediately.
John Cena gets interviewed backstage. Ambrose is there, too, at some point. Ambrose says Rollins is his. Cena says Rollins is his. They have a staredown.
AJ Lee vs. Alicia Fox
Huh. I didn't think they'd use AJ tonight, but here she is. Paige comes out to the ramp before the match, cutting a Nikki Bella-like promo. Well, she cuts it the same way. Paige says AJ's opponent is her new best friend. It's Alicia Fox. Okay, then.
Alicia Fox wins in one move after AJ gets a bit of offense in, but is then distracted by Paige.
Match Rating: *1/2
Alicia Fox then grabs some ... soda, I think, and goes to do the Stone Cold thing. But nothing comes of it. Paige hits her DDT.
The Wyatt promo from earlier is replayed.
Sheamus vs. Damien Sandow (with The Miz)
Miz is on commentary. Sandow dominates a good chunk of the match. We're reminded here how good Sandow actually is. Eventually, Sheamus gets the leg up. Miz tries to console his stunt double, but walks away. Sheamus throws Sandow into Miz, then hits a Brogue Kick for the win.
Match Rating: **
Hulk Hogan is out next. If I wasn't obligated to review Raw, I would have turned the show off at this point. Hogan needs to stop being on TV.
Hogan gives props to breast cancer survivors, and also calls the WWE Network the "WWE Universe," because he's too old to cut coherent promos. He tells us to buy WWE merchandise whose profits will be donated to breast cancer awareness. I wish someone else was cutting this promo. It'd be better. Literally anyone. Even Rosa Mendes.
Randy Orton and Kane talk backstage after. They're going to take on Cena and Ambrose next. They're a little tired of Seth Rollins. Stephanie tells them to do their jobs.
Dean Ambrose and John Cena vs. Kane and Randy Orton
The match ... uh, it happens. I'd lost interest. Hogan killed that. Although, really, most of the in-ring action sucked on this episode. We build to an Ambrose hot tag. Ambrose takes everyone out, hits Dirty Deeds, and looks to win, but Seth Rollins comes out and attacks Ambrose. Cena and Ambrose win by DQ. Ambrose then takes out Kane and Rollins. People take out other people. Cena and Ambrose fight to take out Rollins. More people take out more people. It's basically just lots of brawling. Eventually, The Authority members get the upper hand. Ambrose and Cena are both taken out. And that's our show for this week.
Match Rating: **1/2
The Good: Cesaro vs. Ziggler vs. Miz.
The Bad: All three Divas matches. Henry/Dallas. Los Matadores vs. Slater Gator. Hulk Hogan. ?CM Punk? chants.
Match of the Night: Cesaro vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz.
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Raw is once again in Chicago, so that means, probably, that CM Punk will return tonight. Just like he totally did last time, and that other time, and at that one PPV where everyone was, like, super sure he'd come back.
Raw opens with a flashback to the last few weeks of Raw, during which time we've re-opened the Seth Rollins/Dean Ambrose feud. Then the Authority comes out, hopefully to silence the inevitable "CM Punk" chants right now. One can hope, anyway. Because, you know, you're an idiot if you continue to chant the name of someone who left while still under contract, detracting from the talented athletes still working. Oh, and if AJ Lee isn't on the show, it's 100% your fault.
Stephanie asks why the fans continue to cheer for quitters. She launches into a quitting diatribe. She winds up talking about Ambrose and Rollins afterward. Triple H says that the MITB contract is a symbol of this business, and that he won't let anybody disrespect this business. Paul Heyman interrupts. He says that Brock Lesnar feels disrespected. Heyman has been told to come here to find out if Lesnar has a problem with Rollins. Rollins then comes out. Rollins said The Authority didn't tell him to try to cash in at Night of Champions. He did that. He wanted to beat the best. "CM Punk" chants start up and Rollins just shakes his head and looks down. He apologizes for offending Lesnar. Triple H shakes Heyman's hand before Heyman departs.
Dean Ambrose shows up on the titantron after Rollins begins talking about him. Ambrose tells Rollins to come get the briefcase if he wants it. The Authority begins to leave but John Cena comes. Cena attacks Rollins, but Rollins escapes through the crowd and gets back to the stage. Then we cut to commercial. Hopefully, during the commercial, Cena chastises the crowd for their abysmal chanting of he-who-left-you. But that's probably not happening.
A backstage segment has The Authority telling security that they have the ... authority to take the briefcase from Ambrose.
WWE Intercontinental Championship Match: Cesaro vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz (with Damien Sandow)
You know, if Miz won, the "CM Punk" chants would overwhelm the arena. So it had to be Ziggler retaining, Cesaro winning, or Sandow somehow managing to fool everyone into thinking he was Miz and then winning it himself, which honestly would be the best thing ever.
The match is exciting. They're all good workers -- yes, even Miz -- and they put on a good show. It's basically just entertaining spot after entertaining spot. That's what we needed. Or, what the crowd needed. There was at least one spot I don't recall ever seeing -- even though I'm sure it's happened. It was lots of fun, and, as was the most likely to happen, Ziggler retains. Not off his own move, but that's fine. Miz is hit with an uppercut, Cesaro is kicked out of the ring, and Ziggler pinned Miz for the win.
Match Rating: ***1/2
Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury -- the two security guards Triple H appointed -- are shown looking for Dean Ambrose backstage. They eventually reach The Great Khali, who says he can't hear Noble, because Noble is short. He said it in English. I don't remember Khali ever speaking English before. Huh. Oh, and Big E made an appearance. So that's a thing that happened.
A Bray Wyatt promo is next. It's a pre-recorded thing about how Wyatt found Luke Harper and made him a member of his family.
Noble and Mercury report back to The Authority, and explain that they can't find Dean Ambrose. Stephanie tells them they're fired if they can't find Ambrose. Miz and Sandow show up. Sandow does the speaking, but as Miz. He demands a one-on-one rematch for the title. Sandow gets a match with Sheamus. Miz is buried verbally by Triple H.
Rosa Mendes (with Natalya and Tyson Kidd) vs. Layla (with Summer Rae)
The match is so bad that we have to continually cut between it and "drama" between Natalya and Kidd at ringside. Rosa really is the worst Diva on the roster.
Layla wins after her finisher "The Lay Out," and that's that.
Match Rating: *
Dean Ambrose comes down to the ring after the commercial break, and sets up a table on which he places the MITB briefcase. We're having a "Dean Ambrose Clearance Sale." So, he plans to give away lots of Seth Rollins' personal stuff. The security force comes down to the ring. Ambrose tells them that if they want the briefcase, they can come into the ring to get it. Noble and Mercury leave. Ambrose gives away a whole bunch of t-shirts and stuff.
Noble and Mercury come down with Seth Rollins and a whole team of security personnel. Ambrose asks them if they were Rosebuds last week. It was a great line. Ambrose says he's sorry and leaves through the crowd. Rollins takes the briefcase and opens it, and is sprayed with green slime. Ha.
Another comedy segment takes place backstage. Then Mark Henry comes out. He apologizes to America. Bo Dallas interrupts. We're doing this match.
Mark Henry vs. Bo Dallas
Henry squashes Dallas. He misses one move and then Dallas his the Running Bodog and wins. I quit. That was awful, awful, awful.
Match Rating: *
Bo Dallas is interviewed backstage. All you have to do is bolieve. Henry then comes up from behind Dallas and destroys him. Is this a Henry heel turn? Maybe.
Stardust and Goldust cut a backstage promo. No, I don't know what it's about.
Brie Bella vs. Cameron and Eva Marie
Brie comes out first. She is ready for a match. Nikki comes out. She cuts a promo reminding us about Brie quitting the company. We're finally getting that justification for Nikki's turn. Nikki announces that Brie's in a handicap match. She's facing Cameron and Eva Marie.
Eva Marie. Is on Raw. Again. Thank goodness. It's been too long. the crowd is completely disrespectful to the Divas in this match. They should be ashamed of themselves.
The heels dominate most of the match, but Brie gets a rollup victory. Boo. Eva Marie should have won.
Match Rating: *1/2
Los Matadores (Diego and Fernando, with El Torito) vs. Slator Gator (Heath Slater and Titus O'Neil, with Hornswoggle)
Adam Rose is on commentary. Slator Gator has a theme song and stuff now. And they come out with someone dressed in a gator costume. Okay.
The match is boring, uneventful, and not good. Slater Gator wins. Why? I dunno. I fell asleep.
Match Rating: *
Hornswoggle does a gator roll on El Torito after the match. Adam Rose sends in the bunny to distract Slater Gator, and then attack Heath Slater. What is even going on?
Rusev and Lana come out next to discuss what happened on Smackdown, when Big Show basically destroyed Rusev. Lana tries to paint Big Show as a terrible person for ambushing Rusev after the match. Big Show comes out with a smile on his face. He knows what propaganda is. Big Show shows us what really happened. After that, Rusev starts talking. In English. Big Show charges the ring, chasing Rusev from the ring. Big Show then rips down the Russian flag that we continually have hanging after Rusev matches. That almost gets Rusev to charge the ring, but he never really does. He gets in there once, but is tossed back out almost immediately.
John Cena gets interviewed backstage. Ambrose is there, too, at some point. Ambrose says Rollins is his. Cena says Rollins is his. They have a staredown.
AJ Lee vs. Alicia Fox
Huh. I didn't think they'd use AJ tonight, but here she is. Paige comes out to the ramp before the match, cutting a Nikki Bella-like promo. Well, she cuts it the same way. Paige says AJ's opponent is her new best friend. It's Alicia Fox. Okay, then.
Alicia Fox wins in one move after AJ gets a bit of offense in, but is then distracted by Paige.
Match Rating: *1/2
Alicia Fox then grabs some ... soda, I think, and goes to do the Stone Cold thing. But nothing comes of it. Paige hits her DDT.
The Wyatt promo from earlier is replayed.
Sheamus vs. Damien Sandow (with The Miz)
Miz is on commentary. Sandow dominates a good chunk of the match. We're reminded here how good Sandow actually is. Eventually, Sheamus gets the leg up. Miz tries to console his stunt double, but walks away. Sheamus throws Sandow into Miz, then hits a Brogue Kick for the win.
Match Rating: **
Hulk Hogan is out next. If I wasn't obligated to review Raw, I would have turned the show off at this point. Hogan needs to stop being on TV.
Hogan gives props to breast cancer survivors, and also calls the WWE Network the "WWE Universe," because he's too old to cut coherent promos. He tells us to buy WWE merchandise whose profits will be donated to breast cancer awareness. I wish someone else was cutting this promo. It'd be better. Literally anyone. Even Rosa Mendes.
Randy Orton and Kane talk backstage after. They're going to take on Cena and Ambrose next. They're a little tired of Seth Rollins. Stephanie tells them to do their jobs.
Dean Ambrose and John Cena vs. Kane and Randy Orton
The match ... uh, it happens. I'd lost interest. Hogan killed that. Although, really, most of the in-ring action sucked on this episode. We build to an Ambrose hot tag. Ambrose takes everyone out, hits Dirty Deeds, and looks to win, but Seth Rollins comes out and attacks Ambrose. Cena and Ambrose win by DQ. Ambrose then takes out Kane and Rollins. People take out other people. Cena and Ambrose fight to take out Rollins. More people take out more people. It's basically just lots of brawling. Eventually, The Authority members get the upper hand. Ambrose and Cena are both taken out. And that's our show for this week.
Match Rating: **1/2
The Good: Cesaro vs. Ziggler vs. Miz.
The Bad: All three Divas matches. Henry/Dallas. Los Matadores vs. Slater Gator. Hulk Hogan. ?CM Punk? chants.
Match of the Night: Cesaro vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz.
<color=D6D9DA>_________________________________________________________________________________
If you wish to be notified whenever I post something new, please join this <url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/groups/view/2-50-Reviews>user group.
For an archive of all my previous WWE reviews, please go <url=http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.846764-Marters-WWE-Reviews-Archive>here.
Talk to me on the Twitter, <url=https://twitter.com/martertweet>@martertweet.
