Really in need of help to make a decision.

[saoirse13]

This is probably going to be the most serious thread I'll have ever or will ever write. But it's something that is making me miserable, I really have no idea what to do for the best and I find it hard to talk to my real life friends or family about this.

Basically long story short (because it actually is a really long story), When i was 18 I met my Dad for the first time in 16 years. My dad and i got on great, and after about 2-3 months of getting to know eachother, he decided he wanted me to meet his two other sons (my half brothers my dad had with his wife at the time) . They were 5 and 8 at the time. Evrything went well and it was finally like i had a proper family again. My mum was happy I had met both my dad and brothers. I seen my dad on a regular basis about 2-4 times a week. I would often go and stay in his house and help look after my brothers when they were at my dads house each weekend.
Anyway a year after i first met my dad again, he died. He committed suicide. Alot of things changed, including getting to see my brothers. The last time i saw them in person was at my dads funeral which was 5 years ago.

I never wanted to lose contact with my brothers, and i would do anything to be able to see them again. Part of hy I dont see them is that their mother, my dadas ex wife, didn't want me around them at the time. I tried a few times afetr a few months of my dads death, I even asked my grandmother on my fathers side to ask if it would be possible for me to see them, I was basically told that she said no.

Now its 5 years on and all i want to do is just make some sort of effort to see my brothers, and if they wanted to have some sort of sibling relationship with them. I undrstand why my dads wife didn't want me around the boys then, but I'm hoping she may have changed her mind. My problem is, 1) everyone i have told about this is telling me not bother, if they want to see me then they will come to me. or 2) that i have no right even asking. 3That its not worth it.
Its killing me to think, that i missed out on 16 years with my dad but now im going to miss out on seeing my brothers grow up, and not only have they missed out on having a father, but now also a sister.

Maybe I'm being selfish and not taking into account the feelings of everyone else but this is tearing me apart, All i want is the opportunity to be apart or my brothers lives. I undestand that if i did make a decision where by I go to my dads ex wife and see her to ask her about it, if she said no then i would leave it at that.

But my question is this. What would you guys do? Would you take the plunge and just ask the ex wife if it would b possible from her point of view to have any sort of access to see the boys, (if they wanted to see me). Or would yu agree with everyone else and leave it for another 10 years until they are both 18 and wait to see if they decide to come and search for me?

P.S Whatever your view is, I'll gladly listen. whether harsh or not, and believe me i've heard some harsh views on this topic.

 

[Goofguy]

I wouldn't recommend waiting 10 years until they're old enough to come seek you out, that's a lot of missed opportunities and experiences together. I'm telling you this from experience, let me elaborate.

When I was 6 years old, there was a rift between my father and his seven siblings. It involved the passing of their last parent (my grandmother), the settling of the estate and lots of frustration boiling to the surface. Long story short, there was a falling out and my father essentially cut all ties to siblings except for one. For this, my brother and I had to live with the "sins of our father" and contact with our younger cousins was lost. By the time my brother and I were adults, it'd been so long that reaching out to those cousins would be like talking to complete strangers. It wasn't until I was 24 (almost three years ago) that my father and his siblings finally put the past where it belongs. Fortunately, my brother and I could finally meet our cousins without feeling like we're betraying our father. Unfortunately, we'd lost that chance to grow up together. Sure, we get along famously and we have plenty of years to make up for lost time but every time I hear them go on out about some hilarious thing that happened at some family event in the past 20 years, I can't help but feel a pang of loss. I missed out on such a great time to grow up with my cousins and there's not a damn thing I can do to fix it.

So TLR, you'll miss out on so many great times with your half-brothers if you don't do everything you possibly can to stay in touch with them. If you have to rattle a few cages to get what you want, so be it. This is an important time in your brothers' life as they grow up, and you owe it to them and yourself to be there for them.

 

[x0ny]

Yes, go ask in person, you've got nothing to lose, sure there's a chance you might get rejected, but if you never ask you never know what could have happened. At least you gave it a shot, you got an answer, whether good or bad.

The pain of rejection is only temporary, but regret is forever.

Just explain your feelings, be polite and delicate, don't try to rush in or force anything, you'll just push her away. Be understanding, eg: if she says something negative you don't like, just respond with something along the lines of "I understand how you feel", "you're right", "it's a delicate issue", "I'm sorry I didn't see it that way before".

Good luck ^^

 

[EeveeElectro]

I'm really sorry to hear about your father.

Is their any reason the mother doesn't want you to see them? You seem like a nice enough woman. I can see why she might be scared but she needn't be.
Unfortunately, they're still children so I assume the mother will make all the decisions for them.
I would go to her in person. A one on one, a mature adult conversation while the boys are at school so she can see what a nice and mature young lady you are. Tell her what you've wrote here - you want to be part of their lives because you don't like the idea of missing out on them like you did with your dad. All of you are missing your father and at times like that it's nice to surround yourself with family who share the same pain. Tell her you want to be there for them whilst they're growing up because you care and love them.

Offer a compromise, come round when she's there, or all go out for the day together. If she's okay with that, it may take a while for her to build up your trust but then you can start offering to baby-sit and take them out by yourself.

If she still refuses, I'd be polite. Offer her a "I'm just on the end of the phone if you need me" and give her your number. If they can't see you, they can at least ring you once a week. If she won't even accept that, then I'm sad to say you should probably move on until the boys are old enough to meet up with you themselves.
It'll be tough but you have to tell yourself "I tried. I tried my hardest and she wasn't interested, I made the effort and she wants the best for her kids, as do I." don't let yourself get down about it. I hope it all works out for you.

 

[zidine100]

If you have to ask us, you already know you will regret not doing it.

if your asking what id do, id wait, but that's mostly due to me being a coward in these sort of situations, so let me put it this way unless you want to take the route of a coward then id recommend at least trying to talk to her face to face, there may be a reason you and them should not have contact so don't just go barging in. Or better yet write the mom a letter.