WARNING: Wall of text incoming, I will include a tl;dr at the bottom, but I would appreciate it very much if you'd take the time to read my problem entirely and offer advice afterwards.
Well, to clear things up right off the bat, yes I do have very low confidence, and very low self-esteem, and I have had these issues for about four years now. And yes, they are the cause of my current problem.
I'm dating this girl. We've been going out for about a month now, not long I know (I've known her for much longer, but as a friend), but the issue is still present, and I'd like to address it now when it can still be dealt with, rather than later.
The problem is we act like friends much more than we do a couple. I'm lucky to even get a hug from her, we've held hands once, for about a minute, no kissing yet. We've seen each other outside of school only three times so far. Only one of those times was alone.
I'm fine with taking things at a slow pace, but this is too slow, it's like we haven't even started.
It's not an issue of how far I'm willing to go, I've obviously kissed girls, and done further than that before.
I also don't believe it's a situation of how far she's willing to go either, as she's told my friend directly she wants to take the next step with me.
Of course, the situation gets more complicated. There's many things I have to take into consideration.
First and foremost, I'm her first boyfriend. Obviously this is going to be a huge factor regarding how she acts in a relationship.
Other things I have to consider are, she isn't giving me any signs. Like sure she tells people were dating, and seems to have no problem with it, but it doesn't really go past that. I'll go into more detail later.
Also to consider, I have very low self - esteem and confidence, as said before. Because of this, it's difficult for me to be the one to make first moves, especially without signs.
As I stated earlier, she has told one of my good friends shed like to start acting more like a couple with me. But self doubt triumphs as usual, and I convince myself that there's more to it than that, and it can't be true.
My self doubt is fueled on by the fact that she doesn't give me any signs. I'll use an example that includes one of my ex girlfriends, and her.
My ex: Dated her back in the summertime, when me and my current girlfriend were still only friends, so it was somewhat recent. All of my current self - esteem and confidence issues were present. When she wanted something, she'd make it known to me. Even something as simple as holding hands. When she wanted that from me, she'd usually get closer to me, or brush up against my arm slightly, and I would do it, because she made it apparent that it's what she wanted.
Now, my current girlfriend: In social groups she'll tend to stand away from me, with people between us, or standing at the opposite end of a circle where we are socializing with friends. She doesn't even seem to make an effort to be close to me, and if I get close to her, it usually isn't for long, she'll get distracted by something, leave, come back, but again distancing herself from me.
Another example is early on in the relationship, I was trying to get close to her as we were sitting on a ledge. Every time I moved closer, it would seem she'd get up and socialize with others, or move slightly away.
Now normally, I'd just assume she didn't want a relationship, and just end it. But what doesn't make sense to me, is she tells one of my best friends that she really likes me, that she wants me to hold her hand, put my arm around her, kiss her, etc. The problem is she isn't showing it. Physically, she's acting like she doesn't want it.
Now, I've revived multiple different kinds of advice from many friends. Two of my friends think I should just end it, hands down. If it's not going anywhere, they say it's not worth it, and that I'm essentially just wasting my time.
Another friend thinks that her and I will grow more closer as time goes by, and this problem will solve itself.
Another friend thinks that my girlfriend shouldn't be leaving this 100% up to me, and that it should be a team effort. I completely agree with this, but also feel slightly hypocritical.
Another friend thinks I should just do what I want, when I want. Go with my gut. Ideally, this would probably be one of the best things to do in this situation, but going with your gut requires confidence, which I lack.
Then of course there's the friend who had his own unique advice, I won't go into detail because it isn't very important in the big picture, but ultimately he decided I should do what I feel is right.
The problem with that final bit of advice is, I don't exactly know what's right.
There's part of me that thinks I should stay with her, because I do have feelings for her. Shes good looking, intelligent, understanding, funny, kind, and she was one of the only people there for me when I was going through and extremely rough time in my life in the recent past. But staying with her means this issue continues to stress me out. I don't want stress.
Then there's the part of me that thinks I should end it. We act like friends anyways, on a physical level, and somewhat on an emotional level as well. If I were to break up with her right now, we'd probably act the same towards each other as we did while dating. But, if I do end it, I know I'm going to blame it all on myself, I know I'm going to beat myself up over it, I know I'm going to think it's all my fault.
I'm basically caught in an ultimatum. Continue the relationship, and stress myself out. Or, end it, and stress myself out. I could always talk to her, but I would run the risk of making things extremely awkward between her and I if I say the wrong thing. I've so far had no problem opening up to her in terms of sharing my emotions with her, but this is an extreme case, and I'm very hesitant about bringing it up, especially since it involves her directly.
If it can be saved, I want to save it. If not, I guess it wasn't meant to be. I just want to get more opinions on what I should do before I decide on a final course of action.
tl;dr : Girlfriend and I act like we are friends, not physically close at all, don't know what to do about it.
Well, to clear things up right off the bat, yes I do have very low confidence, and very low self-esteem, and I have had these issues for about four years now. And yes, they are the cause of my current problem.
I'm dating this girl. We've been going out for about a month now, not long I know (I've known her for much longer, but as a friend), but the issue is still present, and I'd like to address it now when it can still be dealt with, rather than later.
The problem is we act like friends much more than we do a couple. I'm lucky to even get a hug from her, we've held hands once, for about a minute, no kissing yet. We've seen each other outside of school only three times so far. Only one of those times was alone.
I'm fine with taking things at a slow pace, but this is too slow, it's like we haven't even started.
It's not an issue of how far I'm willing to go, I've obviously kissed girls, and done further than that before.
I also don't believe it's a situation of how far she's willing to go either, as she's told my friend directly she wants to take the next step with me.
Of course, the situation gets more complicated. There's many things I have to take into consideration.
First and foremost, I'm her first boyfriend. Obviously this is going to be a huge factor regarding how she acts in a relationship.
Other things I have to consider are, she isn't giving me any signs. Like sure she tells people were dating, and seems to have no problem with it, but it doesn't really go past that. I'll go into more detail later.
Also to consider, I have very low self - esteem and confidence, as said before. Because of this, it's difficult for me to be the one to make first moves, especially without signs.
As I stated earlier, she has told one of my good friends shed like to start acting more like a couple with me. But self doubt triumphs as usual, and I convince myself that there's more to it than that, and it can't be true.
My self doubt is fueled on by the fact that she doesn't give me any signs. I'll use an example that includes one of my ex girlfriends, and her.
My ex: Dated her back in the summertime, when me and my current girlfriend were still only friends, so it was somewhat recent. All of my current self - esteem and confidence issues were present. When she wanted something, she'd make it known to me. Even something as simple as holding hands. When she wanted that from me, she'd usually get closer to me, or brush up against my arm slightly, and I would do it, because she made it apparent that it's what she wanted.
Now, my current girlfriend: In social groups she'll tend to stand away from me, with people between us, or standing at the opposite end of a circle where we are socializing with friends. She doesn't even seem to make an effort to be close to me, and if I get close to her, it usually isn't for long, she'll get distracted by something, leave, come back, but again distancing herself from me.
Another example is early on in the relationship, I was trying to get close to her as we were sitting on a ledge. Every time I moved closer, it would seem she'd get up and socialize with others, or move slightly away.
Now normally, I'd just assume she didn't want a relationship, and just end it. But what doesn't make sense to me, is she tells one of my best friends that she really likes me, that she wants me to hold her hand, put my arm around her, kiss her, etc. The problem is she isn't showing it. Physically, she's acting like she doesn't want it.
Now, I've revived multiple different kinds of advice from many friends. Two of my friends think I should just end it, hands down. If it's not going anywhere, they say it's not worth it, and that I'm essentially just wasting my time.
Another friend thinks that her and I will grow more closer as time goes by, and this problem will solve itself.
Another friend thinks that my girlfriend shouldn't be leaving this 100% up to me, and that it should be a team effort. I completely agree with this, but also feel slightly hypocritical.
Another friend thinks I should just do what I want, when I want. Go with my gut. Ideally, this would probably be one of the best things to do in this situation, but going with your gut requires confidence, which I lack.
Then of course there's the friend who had his own unique advice, I won't go into detail because it isn't very important in the big picture, but ultimately he decided I should do what I feel is right.
The problem with that final bit of advice is, I don't exactly know what's right.
There's part of me that thinks I should stay with her, because I do have feelings for her. Shes good looking, intelligent, understanding, funny, kind, and she was one of the only people there for me when I was going through and extremely rough time in my life in the recent past. But staying with her means this issue continues to stress me out. I don't want stress.
Then there's the part of me that thinks I should end it. We act like friends anyways, on a physical level, and somewhat on an emotional level as well. If I were to break up with her right now, we'd probably act the same towards each other as we did while dating. But, if I do end it, I know I'm going to blame it all on myself, I know I'm going to beat myself up over it, I know I'm going to think it's all my fault.
I'm basically caught in an ultimatum. Continue the relationship, and stress myself out. Or, end it, and stress myself out. I could always talk to her, but I would run the risk of making things extremely awkward between her and I if I say the wrong thing. I've so far had no problem opening up to her in terms of sharing my emotions with her, but this is an extreme case, and I'm very hesitant about bringing it up, especially since it involves her directly.
If it can be saved, I want to save it. If not, I guess it wasn't meant to be. I just want to get more opinions on what I should do before I decide on a final course of action.
tl;dr : Girlfriend and I act like we are friends, not physically close at all, don't know what to do about it.
