Relationship advice.

[ClockworkPanda]

Hello, I've recently joined and I have a question about a relationship I'm in. Its about a girl I am with and if you don't care to read further no one is stopping you from leaving. My girlfriend, well I should start from the beginning. About November-December this girl I think started having a crush on me but I'm not too sure, her name is Alex. Alex would hug me a lot and be very... I dunno touchy? Not too touchy but like she'd like on me a lot and lean on me. I immediately starting crushing on her. Maybe it was for the wrong reasons but I have genuinely no knowledge of relationships and no experience at all so maybe I was being weird. Anyway I think she had a crush on me then and that's why she started acting so close because we are now together, and at one point early january I was so close to telling her I liked her but I was really nervous and we got interrupted. I didn't get the courage for a long while until this party we were going to, a friend of ours 21st. I was planning to tell her how I feel at this party and honestly I was gonna try and get with her. Now I can't remember much of the party since I was pretty drunk and honestly I smoked some weed. I don't do it much but sometimes, but this stuff had some weird heavy stuff in it and I kinda blacked out for a while. Anyway, what I do remember and from what I was told was that while I was high I was being very quiet and hadn't talked much, so I didn't say anything to anyone to aggravate anyone, just needed to say that point. Now before I got high Alex was talking to two other guys a lot, one of which was pretty cool (at least I think) Jeff, and the other who is cool sober but is an asshole when he is drunk, Andy. Now she talked to Jeff a lot during the party and I didn't want to be an asshole and interupt them so I talked to her when I could and we had fun, i tried to flirt and I am okay at flirting I think. Anyway after I calmed down from my high we played spin the bottle, we all kissed a few people and Alex kissed Jeff and Andy a lot, she later had sex with Jeff. I was devastated, partly cos I was drunk but also cos I thought I liked her a lot. Jeff said to me "I don't want to sleep with her but she's all over me and I feel bad on you because you like her, but she says you might be... clingy" and he felt really bad at this, or at least he looked it. I gave up, I told him I'd harbour no hard feelings and get over it. So she slept with him, didn't sleep with Andy who was acting like a dickhead. I went home a few hours later and she hugged me when I did. It was a one night stand between them and they acted mature on it afterwards and didn't act flirty or anything.

A couple months later me and Alex get together, we've been together for almost 3 months. There was a couple month gap between us getting together and her sleeping with Jeff. Here's the thing, she said she liked me since January and KNEW I liked her because of the way I acted, ages before she slept with Jeff. Why the hell, if she liked me, did she sleep with Jeff. She said she knew how much I liked her and wanted to be with her and yet she still had sex with him. Now we are together and we've said we love each other but recently my mind keeps going back to that party, and why if she loves me now and liked me back then did she sleep with another guy when she wanted me? What the fuck does that mean?

And another thing, maybe I got with her for the wrong reason. Maybe I got with her just to have a girlfriend as I have never had one before. What do you guys thing? Am I with her for the wrong reasons? Is she wrong for having slept with another guy when she said she really wanted to be with me?

Right now she said she loved me first and I said it but I don't know if I do love her or if I'm just swept up in the moment cos I'm a hopeless romantic. I think she really does love me but I don't know if I love her. Is this really love? Am I right to be angry at her for sleeping with him when she knew it would hurt me? Am I over reacting since we weren't together at the time? Is it weird that she doesn't acknowledge this? Should she feel guilty? Am I being a possessive asshole? Am I being obsessive? Should I ask her about it? Should I have grown a spine and asked her out earlier (i think i should have) but does it make a difference since she liked me and knew I liked her should she have made the move? Is it wrong to sleep with someone when you want another person and you know they want you and you know they are in the same house when you sleep with them?

Sorry for all the questions and I'm sorry if I seem weak or crazy I just have a lot of trouble processing my thoughts.

 

[Phasmal]

You weren't dating her when she had a one night stand. She had no obligation not to sleep with other people. What it means is- you weren't in a relationship at the time. She's not wrong for not being faithful to someone she wasn't even dating. You don't own her past, you need to let that go.

As for the other stuff, only you can say why you are with her. I'd be asking yourself if you really want to be with her or if you just want to be with someone.
I think you would probably know if you loved her or not, but you've not been together that long, you don't really need to be super in love right now.

 

[Batou667]

Real life is complicated I'm afraid buddy.

It's perfectly possible to be attracted to two or more people at the same time - in all honestly she probably did like you at the time but she also liked the two other dudes. But you two weren't together then so don't start thinking of it in terms of "well, we liked each other, so we were pretty much together, so she effectively cheated on me". This is kind of whore/Madonna thinking - picturing women as either horrible dirty sluts or pure and innocent with nothing in between. It's not a healthy way of thinking.

Enjoy your current relationship and learn from it. Finding or inventing faults is a surefire way of making yourself unhappy when you're actually in a pretty sweet situation.

 

[TheRightToArmBears]

You weren't dating her when she had a one night stand. She had no obligation not to sleep with other people. What it means is- you weren't in a relationship at the time. She's not wrong for not being faithful to someone she wasn't even dating. You don't own her past, you need to let that go.

As for the other stuff, only you can say why you are with her. I'd be asking yourself if you really want to be with her or if you just want to be with someone.
I think you would probably know if you loved her or not, but you've not been together that long, you don't really need to be super in love right now.

That's pretty much it.

Perhaps her opinions on you changed? Maybe she thought you weren't ever going to make a move? It doesn't really matter, you weren't together and she had every right to do as she pleased, but still, people are complicated. It's best to try and forget about it, if you bring it up it would make her uncomfortable at best and angry at worst, and if you let it get to you it'll cause you problems. I wouldn't kick yourself over thinking that way though, it's entirely understandable, but you should try not to.

You'll have to figure the other bit out on your own, but frankly I wouldn't worry too much. You two have fun together? That's really what matters. You haven't been together that long, you're 21, it doesn't need to be soul-mate stuff. Not all relationships have to be like that, provided you're happy.

Overall, I'd say try not to stop worrying so much. Just relax, enjoy the relationship for what it is and learn from it.