Relationship ended before it even began

[FakeSympathy]

I (31M) was introduced to a girl (27F) in Korea. She was born and raised there, while I immigrate to US 20 years ago. We were introduced by a mutual acquaintance of our respective fathers.

At first things were going great, we tried to find this time of the day that worked for both of us to talk. We shared a lot of hobbies and interests, as well as sharing similar values in life and priorities. That last part was really winning me over. I’ve sent her a few digital coupons for iced coffees and teas, which she loved.

But then her job had an organizational shift, and she essentially became the team lead, which made her insanely busy (without the added benefits or pay, but that’s beside the point). I tried to be as responsive as possible, but she usually took three or four days to respond.

Now her father was traveling all over the world and the last stop happened to be my area. My dad was compelled to take him out to a dinner, and the three of us had a nice meal and good conversation. He confirmed that her daughter was in fact very busy, so at least I know she wasn’t lying to me to be nice. Her father seems to have taken a like to me. However, his vacation was cut short due to a sudden illness, and he flew back to Korea. She said the results don't look too good, and he is getting some treatments right now

I tried talking to her again and not only is she still responding late, but her responses have become a lot more cut and dry.

I just feel that she’s going through a lot right now. And I feel I would be the biggest douche if I pursue anything further with her.

I was planning a vacation to Korea in October, but now I’m not so sure if she’ll even have time to meet with me if I do. I can definitely tell that the initial excitement is gone from both of us, never mind the time zone difference. I feel with so many things getting in between our way, I should just end things here. Someone actually advised me on this, and in a what-if scenario where we get married, she will have to move overseas with me and it’s gonna be miserable for her; vice versa, if I moved over back to Korea.

And that brings me to the title; I genuinely thought this was going somewhere. I feel so disappointed I invested so much emotion into this

 

[Drathnoxis]

You should obsess over this until you are so distracted you start making mistakes at work, get fired, and pretty much flush your life and self worth down the drain. That's what I'd do, anyway.

 

[Zykon TheLich]

That sucks dude. Putting all your emotional capital into one thing that you hope will come off and make everything OK is a dangerous thing to do, it really trashes you if (or more likely when) it doesn't work out.

I mean I don't know much about you or your life, but as your mate seemed to advise you, someone across the other side of the world is likely a really long shot even if they do seem to be a good fit otherwise. Maybe look closer to home. I might be out of touch with the youngsters these days, but I feel that meeting with someone face to face goes a long way to forming proper social bonds. We live in a very socially disconnected world now, it's poison.

Anyway, enough unsolicited advice/rambling, I'm sure you just came to get it off your chest. You got any buds you can go for a beer with to have a bro chat? That's always a good idea at these times.

 

[Xprimentyl]

Not being privy to any details besides what you've chosen to share, I think one of two things: either you wanted this relationship to fail thinking it too good to be true, or you're giving up because you think it too good to be true. Neither is a condemnation, but I just feel your opting to firmly "end" it under completely reasonable circumstances is the knee-jerk reaction of someone who only ever saw one outcome in the end. She's busy, her father is ailing, and you take that as the sign that her possibility for YOU is inevitably under fire?

Relationships aren't easy, but the biggest test of them is when you are there for each other even when it's inconvenient and difficult. My advice? Leave the door open. Offer one communication that simply says you understand what she's going through and what she's dealing with, and that you are available when and if she needs to talk. That responsibly puts the ball in her court while simultaneously giving you the space for either outcome. She may just want to be friends, or she may realize she has some support she needs, or she may ghost you, but none of those are resulting from you making a final decision for the both of you as you seem to be the only of the two questioning the relationship.

 

[FakeSympathy]

So it's been about a week, since I last texted her, and she still hasn't read it. I've made the decision to finally move on.

While I think she is deliberately avoiding to talk to me, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and pretend her life is just busy.

So I decided to send her a long text explaining why this isn't gonna work out. This just happened. Not gonna repeat everything, but it pretty much boils down to me explaining:

• I planned to visit Korea and meet up with her in October of this year. I was really into her and wanted to get to know her better
  • And if signs are there, I was gonna ask her to go official
• But I can see how busy she is with her job. And I feel she deserves a full rest over the weekends rather than talking some guy on the other side of the planet
• I understand this can happen to anyone, and it's beyond our control. And this is why even if I visited Korea, I don't know if she'll have time for me. And asking her to dedicate what little free time she has to meet up with me would be unfair to her.
• I've seen way too many cases where people started dating even though they were busy, and it usually ended with nasty break-ups w/ everyone hurting. And I wasn't gonna put her through that
• While she did told me she'd be free by March of next year, I personally didn't have willpower to wait until then, and us texting until then sounded terrible
• Therefore, we should just go our separate ways. I wish her the best of luck, and know she'll find someone when the time is right.

This is the short version. It took me days to write the full response, really thinking about what I wanted from this relationship and where I think it's currently going. It's also because a lot of people in both of our lives were against the idea of us dating.

Did I make it sound like it was on her? Probably
Was I being honest? Yes
Should I have been a bit more patient? I don't know

I also probably wasn't the easiest person in the world to talk to; I mean cultural differences aside, I sometimes throw really crude jokes, talk about random stuff that throws people off, very poor choice of words sometimes, and other times stay completely slient to avoid offending others. I am willing to bet I did something wrong with my words which contributed to her stop talking to me.

This really sucks. I wish things were different. But I just didn't see this relationship going anywhere.

 

[FakeSympathy]

She replied back a few hours later. To summarize:

• I never bothered or offended her in any way.
• She also felt horrible about those late responses
• Past few weeks, she was in tears because of her work, and she pretty much ignored every form of casual communication or conversations, not just me
• She is sorry if she made me feel hurt, and thanked me for all the supporting and kind words I've sent to her so far.

Before the big shake up at her work, we talked a lot and I genuinely thought things were going great. And now we are at this situation. It's also the first time I was the one who broke the bad news. I thought carefully what to say for a few days, kept re-re-rewriting it to make it sound genuine, then agonized on whether I should hit that "send" button for hours.