Relationship problem, help for a friend

[Carbonic Penguin]

I have a friend, he is 16 now, and he has found the love of his life, the one, his counterpart. However, I'm sure she doesn't return the feelings, and is in fact, playing with him. They went out for a week or so several months ago, with her saying she loves him, and he being so very happy... but then she broke it off because of 'family shit', much to his chagrin. She lead him on, saying that she still has feelings and stuff... but then she went out with several other guys... this sent him all depressive.

He cut himself, and contemplated suicide. In fact, he said the only reason why he didn't is because his mum walked in... this went on for several months. However, last weekend, they got back together again! He was so happy, and they returned to being all lovey-dovey... However, they had a fight, because quite a few friends (I haven't even met her though) really don't like her because of the pain she put him through, and will inevitably put him through again... Because, he seems to be her 'security blanket', so that she's always loved by someone... her last resort guy. But he doesn't see this.

So... I don't know what to do, especially if she leaves again... what should I say to him? And how should I help him when she does leave? And... what do I say when he wants to commit suicide??

If you need to know anything more, just ask...

 

[spartan1077]

Okay, first off you need to get professional help for your friend. Kids help phone(1-800-668-6868) can help(I think his age is fine...) or get an actual therapist. Tell your friend's parents and make sure they understand the severity of the situation. And make sure that you don't leave your friend alone after the breakup. Always have someone near him. I'm sorry that your friend is being put through this, but make sure for the professional help and to never leave him alone. Also, when he says he wants to commit suicide-name anything you can think of that may make him happy(past experiences, memories, puppies) while using physical contact(putting your hand on his shoulder, etc...) As for the ***** your friend is "dating", there is not much you can do. Don't go gossiping around that she is a dirty whore or anything as that is making you look bad as well. Just ignore her and focus on your friend.

 

[Carbonic Penguin]

Thanks for the response... It is good advice. However, kinda hard for me to stay near him, cause I've left school now, and he's been busy outside of school... I will tell the others to though. I'm not sure if he'll take professional help... but, I will tell his parents about what will probably happen. Thank you again.

 

[Terminal Blue]

So... I don't know what to do, especially if she leaves again... what should I say to him? And how should I help him when she does leave? And... what do I say when he wants to commit suicide??

Firstly, don't panic. The chances of your friend going through with his threat are minimal. People don't plan suicides like that, and they certainly don't tell their friends about it. Most successful suicides are opportunistic and were not planned at all. However, crying for help, which is what your friend is doing, is still incredibly dangerous.

If he does threaten it, offer to take him to the doctor. If he refuses, threaten to make an appointment for him and physically drag him there before the problem escalates. Your friend wants help, and whatever fantasy he has concocted neither you nor this girl are qualified to give it to him. If he is consistently threatening suicide, you need to take him to a doctor.

As for the actual girl situation. I don't think you can realistically involve yourself. It sounds like your friend needs to grow up a bit, but he won't learn anything if you step in and try and save him from his own stupid choices. In fact he'll probably resent you for it. By all means you should be there for your friend and let him know it, but you can't get involved in his life to that extent.

Don't judge the girl. She's probably not a bad person, just maybe a bit selfish and has some growing up to do, but it sounds like your friend is much the same.

 

[GenericAmerican]

I don't think I have any real advice; but after reading I could envision my self slamming him against a wall, slapping him, and (not-so)politely explaining that she is leading him on and he needs to suck it up and get over her...which I actually did to a friend once, it worked...kinda.

I hate 'beating around the bush' and am more straight up with people. Which is not always the best course of action but I do not know the meaning of discretion or patience.

 

[Carbonic Penguin]

snip power

I think he did see the signs last time, but he just couldn't forget about her. The 'head vs heart' debate... He knew he should just forget about her, but couldn't, and now he's 'fallen even harder than last time'. When it happens, I'll be sure to definitely get some professional help. Thank you

 

[Fawcks]

He will need professional help, definately.

I had a female friend who meant absolutely everything to me, and was the center of my world. We got engaged, but she eventually left... And I have been devastated ever since.

To be honest, only reason I never even contemplated suicide is because I promised her a long time ago, during some rough times, that I would never do that; put her through that.

Chances are, if your friend is letting one person control that much of his life, like I was, he may already have fairly serious issues. My issues mostly stemmed from a non-existant father and a mother who kind of hated me. But I eventually took my fiance to fill kind of every emotional and spiritual need in my life.

 

[Carbonic Penguin]

Le snip

Hmm... perhaps he does have some issues... I wouldn't know though, I've only known him for a couple of months... I shall ask a closer friend if such a thing does apply. This could help greatly! Thanks!

 

[Fawcks]

A couple of people who knew both me and my fiance (though no one really 'knew' my fiance, because she was extremely anxious and introverted around anyone who was not me) would often accuse me of relying on her too much. She was often all I spoke about, all I thought about, etc.

The reason was likely because I never really liked myself. I would always put myself down while talking about her and I, and even if a problem arose out of no fault of my own, I would blame myself. I would somehow misconstrue everything until it was due to my failings and shortcomings, and nothing was her fault at all. Looking back on it... I think she took advantage of this at times...

Is your friend like that? If so, oh boy, here comes the emotional wreckage train.

 

[Carbonic Penguin]

Snippy

I haven't seen him do that... He did write a lot of notes when he was depressed about how she played around with him though (naturally, they have been replaced with a love poem), so... I don't think he's like that. But he may have a different issue... I don't know...

 

[BonsaiK]

I have a friend, he is 16 now, and he has found the love of his life, the one, his counterpart. However, I'm sure she doesn't return the feelings, and is in fact, playing with him. They went out for a week or so several months ago, with her saying she loves him, and he being so very happy... but then she broke it off because of 'family shit', much to his chagrin. She lead him on, saying that she still has feelings and stuff... but then she went out with several other guys... this sent him all depressive.

He cut himself, and contemplated suicide. In fact, he said the only reason why he didn't is because his mum walked in... this went on for several months. However, last weekend, they got back together again! He was so happy, and they returned to being all lovey-dovey... However, they had a fight, because quite a few friends (I haven't even met her though) really don't like her because of the pain she put him through, and will inevitably put him through again... Because, he seems to be her 'security blanket', so that she's always loved by someone... her last resort guy. But he doesn't see this.

So... I don't know what to do, especially if she leaves again... what should I say to him? And how should I help him when she does leave? And... what do I say when he wants to commit suicide??

If you need to know anything more, just ask...

There's a good chance that the family-related reasons for breaking things off were completely legitimate, or maybe they weren't, but that's nobody's business but his and hers. They're back together now so I guess they worked it out somehow. Anynway, what's between him and her is between him and her. His "friends" aren't helping by rejecting her and if they don't like her they should just stay out of it. You're not helping either by being so judgemental about her. If he feels like he's in a tug-of-war between you and her and his friends, that's going to feed his depression big-time. He needs support and self-esteem, whether he's in a relationship or not and if I were you I'd be befriending her and if possible working with her, not against her.

 

[Carbonic Penguin]

SNIPS

I don't even know her, I was in exams when everyone met and after them they were split until I finished school... And I'm trying to explain the situation from what I've heard and from what friends have told me of her, to get as much information up as I can... I don't think I have made a judgement, just some guesswork on motives.... but I suppose that is judgement... anyway, back on topic. I don't think I'll have a chance to meet her easily, so I can't do anything... I'll try to talk to the people who are making it into a tug-of-war though... at least so they'll talk to him again. There's actually just one major friend that is causing the tug-of-war... I'll call her A... she won't because of

Well its her fucking fault for what she's done to him, and I will never forgive her. She dosent know what its like to think that her baby fucking brother has killed himself whilst you can do nothing...its something I wouldn't even wish upon my worst enemy and for that i'll never forgive her

And A also believes that if you truly love someone, then you wouldn't leave them for family problems and go out with other guys... I personally think that the family problems are a legit reason, in circumstances... I personally am staying out of it, but considering what has happened, I still want some help...

 

[Zaik]

To be honest, a tried and true tactic at dealing with these types of people is hostility. He's in two hazes at once: Both disturbingly infatuated with a girl, and regularly deeply depressed.

Get in his face and try to "shock" him out of it with something, then explain to him he's 16, she's a slut, and he's got his entire life to settle for some slut, there's no need to get so worked up over this one. After the initial attention grab, you can tone it back some(but not entirely, work it down as time passes), but at first you're going to need to be serious fucking business.

He's not going to get it at first, but it should plant the seed. From there just water it by pointing out everything wrong that she does, and everything bad that reminds you of her. Angry women have been doing this one for years to make everyone else as miserable as they are, there's no real reason why it wouldn't work for a reasonable person.