Relationship problems from the third person.

[Connor Lonske]

I have a big relationship problem going on right now, with both me and the person I like. Currently we are both friends, I am male and and she is female. We both live at a impassable distance away and at one point she had feeling for me, and I still do (to a point) for her.

Her problem is that she is dating a guy, for reference will be named ?John.? John and her started dating through a medium distance relationship (He lives in a long yet plausible distance from her for travel sense) but she broke up with him over his annoying behavior. Shortly after that I convinced her to go back to him because he told her he loved her. About one month later, she stops being my friend for the same reason that she stopped being John's boyfriend, and also because I was complaining about him being a ass to me. About four days ago we get back together as friends, and she tells me three things; One, she lost her virginity to John; Two, she was worried to death about getting pregnant and can't afford birth control; and Three, that she (after helping her think it over) was being forced to marry him after she finishes college, and is not even sure if she loves him and is worth it.

I really don't know what to do, If I tell her to leave John altogether, she will ether get mad at me and not be my friend again or think that I am doing this just 'cause I like her, and if I don't step in and do something than she might be stuck with this asshole for the rest of her life, and from my perception, he's a womanizer, and she is subconsciously doing it for the sex, so this is not going to end well.

I have known you guys for years, please help me, I don't know what to do.

 

[Penguinness]

So she complains to you and then get's angry at you for giving her any right advice for the situation? Whatever happens I'd say this: try to get over her, if she stays with him or not, it's probably going to be better for you to forget about it.

 

[zombiesinc]

About one month later, she stops being my friend for the same reason that she stopped being John's boyfriend, and also because I was complaining about him being a ass to me.

Can you elaborate on "annoying behaviour"? One thing I've learned through personal experience is that even when it's blatantly obvious the person you're complaining about is being a dick, it's rarely a good idea to complain to their significant other. If you were doing it in hopes of resolving the issue, still not a good idea. You'd be better off confronting him directly.

About four days ago we get back together as friends, and she tells me three things; One, she lost her virginity to John; Two, she was worried to death about getting pregnant and can't afford birth control; and Three, that she (after helping her think it over) was being forced to marry him after she finishes college, and is not even sure if she loves him and is worth it.

How exactly is she being forced to marry him? Unless she's being physically abused, she's not being forced to do anything. She needs to do what she wants, and what's best for her. She can't refuse to stand up for herself then go on to complain about the situation she chose to let happen. If she genuinely isn't happy in her relationship, she needs to be the one who does something about it, otherwise she'll never learn and will likely repeat this behaviour in a future relationship.

I really don't know what to do, If I tell her to leave John altogether, she will ether get mad at me and not be my friend again or think that I am doing this just 'cause I like her, and if I don't step in and do something than she might be stuck with this asshole for the rest of her life, and from my perception, he's a womanizer, and she is subconsciously doing it for the sex, so this is not going to end well.

You can offer your advice, ignore what she may think motivates you to say it, and leave it be. This isn't a situation you want to get involved in, or should over-analyze. As for her, if you don't step into something (that's really none of your business to begin with), and she chooses to let it continue, that's her problem. She needs to deal with it herself. Sounds harsh, but as I already said, unless she's the one to actually make a change in her own life, she'll never learn. If she chooses to ignore what she wants she's going to let herself down, and the only way she'll stop this sort of behaviour is by choosing to learn from past mistakes or current situations.

 

[rutger5000]

You have to explain her troubles with John a bit more clearly, I really don't get that.
Okay she isn't pregnant right? If so they should stop having unprotected sex right now. Really call her right now and demand this to her, one friend to another. Total bullshit she can't afford condoms, total bullshit. probably her boyfriend doesn't want to use condoms and she can't afford the pill. In that case she should simply become a bit stronger, and outright refuse to have sex without protection. No real fear to get pregnant then.
Now this solves the main problem. Have you already called her? If not really do it right now, don't wait with this kind of stuff. This next advice is only if you already called her, if you haven't then there is no helping you.
Okay why in Godsname would she be forced to marry John? She's not pregnant, so I really can't see any reason. Regardless of that none should force her to marry under any circumstance. As cruel as it may sound, if she is forced to marry it isn't the problem that she's forced to marry. The problem is that she is going along with it. That is the problem, having such a kind of relationship with you caretakers that you'll go along with it if they force you to marry. She should fix that.
Owh and she should check if she's pregnant. That's possible in a week or two.

 

[Connor Lonske]

Note to everyone, Forced was a bad choice of words, more like subconsciously lead to believe she wanted to marry him. He hasn't given her much choice in relationship term, and also, she was mostly worried about getting pregnant because of headaches and stress, but she is not pregnant. I do not know if she and him are using condoms, however, but I am assuming they are.

 

[TheRightToArmBears]

Well, to be honest she sounds incredibly annoying from what you've told us. I would personally suggest telling her to grow up and make her own choices, instead of being told what to do/manipulated by you or this John character.

 

[LetalisK]

Be honest with her. If she's your friend, then she deserves your honesty. If she doesn't want your honesty, she doesn't deserve to be your friend.

Also, this is just me, but I'd start stepping back from her, especially if she gets pissed that you're honest with her. This sounds like a situation full of drama and that nothing good can come from staying rooted in it.

 

[Polarity27]

I certainly wouldn't tell her to dump the other guy-- people telling her what to do seem to be part of the problem here.

Put the romantic feelings aside for the moment and be the friend she needs. Tell her the truth, that you care about her and are concerned about (things that genuinely concern you). Marriage is a big step, a pretty permanent step, and there's nothing wrong with taking it slowly. If the other guy is giving her ultimatums about it, that's a red flag. (And for fuck's sake she needs to not be having PIV sex until she can afford B/C. If she can't afford a condom, she can't afford a baby.)