Relationship problems

[The Almighty Aardvark]

So there's been a problem bothering me for a long time, about a year now. I'll try not to go into too much detail.

I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year and a half now. About a year ago she was going through some really hard times, and ending up getting really nasty to all of our friends and difficult to be around. On top of this she lost a lot of her drive and direction in life and more than a couple times considered suicide. This spanned a period of almost six months, and it got to the point where I had spent more time going out with someone who I couldn't enjoy being around than I did with the person that I genuinely liked. It became too much for me to handle constantly feeling like an emotional crutch, so when she brought up that I was seeming distant I ended up telling her that I didn't know if I could stay in this relationship. She broke down, and I hated to see her in pain and I kind of fell apart as well and I told her I was being stupid and the relationship continued.

It got a fair bit better a little while after that until her two closest friends for many years had a falling out with her. They now will not speak with each other which has resulted in all of her friends having to pick which side to remain friends with. Unfortunately for her most of them chose the other side. She has been feeling very alone and friendless and I'm basically the only person that she still feels close to. And this whole situation with her two best friends has been taking a huge toll on her, she has mentioned having wanted to kill herself on several occasions since.

So here's my problem, I'm basically the only person in the world who she feels like still cares about her, and because of that I am not letting myself consider whether I still want this relationship. The problem isn't that I necessarily want to end it, it's that I feel like I can't. Relationship or not I care about her a lot and I don't want to do anything that will push her over the edge.

So... what can I do?

 

[Vegosiux]

The inevitable question I have to ask is, do you have to be her boyfriend in order to be there for her? I'd be inclined to say "no".

It's an iffy position, but first thing to consider would be what you actually want, because if you're not sure, nothing you do will seem like the right decision.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

So there's been a problem bothering me for a long time, about a year now. I'll try not to go into too much detail.

I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year and a half now. About a year ago she was going through some really hard times, and ending up getting really nasty to all of our friends and difficult to be around. On top of this she lost a lot of her drive and direction in life and more than a couple times considered suicide. This spanned a period of almost six months, and it got to the point where I had spent more time going out with someone who I couldn't enjoy being around than I did with the person that I genuinely liked. It became too much for me to handle constantly feeling like an emotional crutch, so when she brought up that I was seeming distant I ended up telling her that I didn't know if I could stay in this relationship. She broke down, and I hated to see her in pain and I kind of fell apart as well and I told her I was being stupid and the relationship continued.

It got a fair bit better a little while after that until her two closest friends for many years had a falling out with her. They now will not speak with each other which has resulted in all of her friends having to pick which side to remain friends with. Unfortunately for her most of them chose the other side. She has been feeling very alone and friendless and I'm basically the only person that she still feels close to. And this whole situation with her two best friends has been taking a huge toll on her, she has mentioned having wanted to kill herself on several occasions since.

So here's my problem, I'm basically the only person in the world who she feels like still cares about her, and because of that I am not letting myself consider whether I still want this relationship. The problem isn't that I necessarily want to end it, it's that I feel like I can't. Relationship or not I care about her a lot and I don't want to do anything that will push her over the edge.

So... what can I do?

Does she ever THREATEN to commit suicide? Or does she just bring it up in casual conversation? Either way, threats of suicide to a romantic partner are considered a form of emotional abuse/blackmail. It's not cool.

Girlfriend sounds like she needs a lot of therapy, and you sound like you're at the end of your rope as far as this relationship goes. You can stay in it and hope things get better...depressions do tend to be transitional...but if your girlfriend is bi-polar or depressive or histrionic, she's not likely to ever really hold an even keel for long. The fact she's shedding friends like dandruff isn't a particularly good sign, really, but I suppose it could be indicative that the friends are assholes.

In any case, the suicide threats need to be dealt with. You need to set some boundaries if you want a healthy relationship going forward, and she needs intervention from medical/psychiatric professionals if she's going to keep talking like this. She probably also needs to spend some time self-reflecting on why she's blowing up all her relationships, although the likelihood of anyone engaging in serious self-reflection at her (presumed) age is vanishingly small.

Lastly, while there is a strong likelihood that she'll change a lot if she's as young as I think she is, you can't go into a relationship expecting or hoping for that, because there's no guarantee of it, and if there was there would be no guarantee she'd change in a way that suited you. You need to imagine being in a relationship with the person she is today, and decide whether or not that works for you, long term. If the answer is no, you need to gather the fortitude to leave.

 

[The Almighty Aardvark]

Does she ever THREATEN to commit suicide? Or does she just bring it up in casual conversation? Either way, threats of suicide to a romantic partner are considered a form of emotional abuse/blackmail. It's not cool.

Girlfriend sounds like she needs a lot of therapy, and you sound like you're at the end of your rope as far as this relationship goes. You can stay in it and hope things get better...depressions do tend to be transitional...but if your girlfriend is bi-polar or depressive or histrionic, she's not likely to ever really hold an even keel for long. The fact she's shedding friends like dandruff isn't a particularly good sign, really, but I suppose it could be indicative that the friends are assholes.

In any case, the suicide threats need to be dealt with. You need to set some boundaries if you want a healthy relationship going forward, and she needs intervention from medical/psychiatric professionals if she's going to keep talking like this. She probably also needs to spend some time self-reflecting on why she's blowing up all her relationships, although the likelihood of anyone engaging in serious self-reflection at her (presumed) age is vanishingly small.

Lastly, while there is a strong likelihood that she'll change a lot if she's as young as I think she is, you can't go into a relationship expecting or hoping for that, because there's no guarantee of it, and if there was there would be no guarantee she'd change in a way that suited you. You need to imagine being in a relationship with the person she is today, and decide whether or not that works for you, long term. If the answer is no, you need to gather the fortitude to leave.

No, she's never threatened to commit it, it's always been something I've learned in retrospect after some probing on my part. Her losing friends is a combination of her disposition towards pulling away if she thinks someone doesn't like her and them actually being assholes.

I'm not expecting her to change as much as I am hoping she'll get back to how she was, when she was more confident and had more self respect. In addition to being more emotionally stable.

I'm not entirely sure how well therapy would work. She's had it in the past for other things and she got nothing out of it. In addition I think she'd take it as a bit of an insult if I suggested that.

I believe you have 2 choices. Although it may seem like more, they will all boil down to these two in my opinion.

You can stay with her & be there for her as you have been doing. Things may change down the road but you will still be with her. I get the impression that you don't want to end things because you are afraid of how she see this, if it will push her over the edge & cause her further pain, isolation or suicidal thoughts. It's very good to consider that since it can happen. On the flip side, if you do end up unhappy with her, or simply want to explore more options within your life, staying with her will be limiting your happiness for hers.

Or

You can leave her, while trying to assure her that you will still be there for her. I realize that it's a huge risk assessment. If you do leave her, you will want to prove to her, not just with words but more importantly with actions that you are still her friend & you will be there for her. It's imperative. Otherwise, her condition may worsen. The risk here is this: what if you can't prove to that to her, or she simply refuses to believe it?

You know her better then the people who post in this thread will, after all. Ultimately, if you look at it from either perspective, you can see that you do have a choice. It's just a very precarious one due to it's potential consequences. Bottom line though, it's your choice. Ask yourself questions. What's important to you? What do you want to happen? Is this worth it?

When you are able to justify your possible choices to yourself, they become much easier to make.

I hope this helps!

You got the crux of the issue with the second option. She doesn't take all that well to personal criticism as she tends to turn problems I have with her into slights against her entire being. Although I've been told my delivery of these criticisms has not been in the most tactful ways or occasions, so I'm not sure how much of that is a part of it. If I ended it I'm worried that she would take that as further proof that all meaningful relationships with her are doomed to failure (as she's already thinking), and won't understand that I just can't have the relationship like that anymore. Although as I've said I'm not even sure if that's the case.

The biggest problem I have with the first option is even if I stay with her and wait for things to get better I don't know just how long they'll last. After the first thing that sent her into depression it looked like she was getting better but it was less than a month before they all got worse again.

There's a part of me that's been waiting for an occasion for her to feel alright enough that I can end it, but in that case I'm worried I'll just shatter whatever good mood she managed to get in.

The inevitable question I have to ask is, do you have to be her boyfriend in order to be there for her? I'd be inclined to say "no".

It's an iffy position, but first thing to consider would be what you actually want, because if you're not sure, nothing you do will seem like the right decision.

It definitely seems like this is what I should do before I consider the whole issue. Unfortunately it's really not easy with the added difficulty. I keep flipping between strong feelings of staying and leaving.

Thanks for the responses, I've been dwelling on this for far too long and any outside help is greatly appreciated

 

[BloatedGuppy]

I'm not entirely sure how well therapy would work. She's had it in the past for other things and she got nothing out of it. In addition I think she'd take it as a bit of an insult if I suggested that.

Finding a therapist you can work with, and who works for you, is a process. It's not a question of one size fits all. A friend of mine had to go through 9 therapists before finding one who worked for her. She stayed with that therapist for 7 years, and credits her with turning her life around.

As for her taking it as an insult...that would be an incredibly juvenile attitude for her to assume. Number one, everyone...EVERYONE...can benefit from talk therapy. We are all biased and blind when it comes to our behaviors and pathologies, having a professional and impartial individual to work things through with is invaluable. Two, she has talked on numerous occasions about suicide. People who float out little suicide trial balloons have absolutely no business whining if someone suggests they see a therapist. Frankly, I think you should be DEMANDING she see a therapist. Whether weighted threats or casual attention seeking behavior, talking about suicide is a one way ticket to Concerned Interventionville, and that's the way it should be.

You got the crux of the issue with the second option. She doesn't take all that well to personal criticism as she tends to turn problems I have with her into slights against her entire being. Although I've been told my delivery of these criticisms has not been in the most tactful ways or occasions, so I'm not sure how much of that is a part of it. If I ended it I'm worried that she would take that as further proof that all meaningful relationships with her are doomed to failure (as she's already thinking), and won't understand that I just can't have the relationship like that anymore. Although as I've said I'm not even sure if that's the case.

This is classic catastrophizing, and it's really not acceptable behavior. And in case you think this is easy for me to say, my girlfriend is one of the all time greats when it comes to this exact thing. When she was young she was diagnosed with bi-polar, and she has profound anxiety issues that cause her to spin small criticisms or minor adversities into life altering dramas. This is either a sign of a mental illness, or a profoundly immature human being. Let's give your girlfriend the benefit of the doubt and assume it's #1 (she is, at the very least, clinically depressed). People with mental illnesses do not get a "get out of acting crazy free" card. If they behave badly, you need to call them out on it. That doesn't mean they won't do it again, and that can be stressful, but that's part of life with someone who has a mental illness. Long story short, "She doesn't take well to criticism" doesn't mean she never needs to hear valid criticism.

The biggest problem I have with the first option is even if I stay with her and wait for things to get better I don't know just how long they'll last. After the first thing that sent her into depression it looked like she was getting better but it was less than a month before they all got worse again.

Clinical depression can be a long road. If she's prone to it, it can be a long and RECURRING road. If she's adamant in her refusal to see a therapist or look into anti-depressants, it's going to be an extremely painful and demoralizing road, as well, for both of you.