Relationship Question - age gaps UPDATE

[Auron225]

Interesting responses so far - yeah I'm definitely not comfortable with just agreeing to go out with her right now. I'm more than happy to be friends with her at the moment, but nothing more. The challenge is now getting my parents to get off my back about it -.- Still gobsmacked to see them so in favour of it.

For those wondering - I'm from the UK (Northern Ireland). Legal Age of Consent here is 16, so that isn't an issue - otherwise there's no chance I'd be considering it - it's just more the fact that I could be her teacher that irks me more. If I was actually her class teacher, then anything physical would be straight up illegal. I'm not, but it's the fact that I could be. I'd really rather wait until she's at least 18 and has left school before I even consider dating her as an option.

 

[Secondhand Revenant]

Eh I never understood dating people you don't know well anyways. I always saw it as don't bother about it unless you find someone you like.

Anyways yeah the age gap would put me off were I in the same position due to her age. Were she 18 and out of high school then it would seem more worth considering.

 

[Fieldy409_v1legacy]

It's my policy not to date anyone under 20, because they are still basically children to me. I'll stay with that twenty minimum well into my thirties(hopeful but still) But that's my rule do whatever the fuck you wanna do.

 

[DeimosMasque]

Me and my fiancee have been together for over ten years. I'm 34 and she's 27... do the math on that one and you'll see we started dating when she was 17 (well 16... she turned 17 a month after we started dating) It can work if the younger is more mature than the average person their age.

As for the high school formal thing in two years don't worry about it, if it's anything like the school my lady attended if you're over the legal drinking age you're not allowed to attend such events as a date (you know cutting down on that teenage drinking and all)

 

[SapphireMoon]

On the other side of the story, there was someone which I really really like, and he's eight years older than I am. If anything, I think it'd be better to wait until she's older, and get to know her better first.

 

[Smooth Operator]

Well you can date but this is extremely unlikely to last. Remember your teenage years and how everything would turn around for you day after day. Someone who is only just now getting to know themselves doesn't work out as a long term partner, sure she is crushing on you now and in a month it will be someone completely different.

But it never hurts to hang out, who knows it might go against all odds and she ends up being a steady partner.

 

[Shymer]

I don't know where you are. But here in England, I've heard (From a young teacher mate I had a few years ago), that the Age of consent goes up once you're a teacher. Back to how it was several generations ago. 21.

Meaning that Teachers can't bang 16-year-olds like the rest of us.

Yes, the Age of Consent in England is 16.

I don't know how accurate that information is though. Since we were mucking about in a Bar at the time.

The Sexual Offences Act 2003 in the United Kingdom specifically outlaws teachers having sex with one of their students, even if they are above the age of consent (16), but under eighteen. They are considered to be in a "position of trust". The age of consent does not change.

 

[shiaramoon]

Don't burn a bridge if you think things could change. Be honest with her, but respectful. Offer to be friends so that you can get to know each other and see where it goes.

 

[Here Comes Tomorrow]

1) My parents and her parents (who happen to be friends) are very gung-ho about it - they just think it'd be the best thing ever if we dated

Alarm bells.
Especially if her dad if enthusiastic about it.

"Yes, 22 year old man, please engage in a romantic relationship with my daughter." - Said no father ever.

 

[carnex]

Age gap matters more the younger you are. Reason is difference in matureness. Now, that is a general rule, so exceptions are plenty.

In all likeliness that will not end up as a more permanent state so go for it if you fancy her too. Age gap or not people should fell free to be with whoever they want (well with some exception for safety/health reasons). And if it really stands the turbulent tests of relationships, all the better for you.

 

[Michel Henzel]

I see little problem and would even consider it a pretty ordinary occurrence. Back when I was still in highschool (or the Dutch equivalent of it) girls of that age dating guys that were well into their 20's was more the norm then an exception.

 

[Mr.Mattress]

For those wondering - I'm from the UK (Northern Ireland). Legal Age of Consent here is 16, so that isn't an issue - otherwise there's no chance I'd be considering it - it's just more the fact that I could be her teacher that irks me more.

Yeah, that would be really awkward.

My advice? Be her friend, wait 2 years for her to get out, and then try dating her if you think you two are compatible. Then there is no awkwardness in school and you'll know if you two are compatible.

Me personally, I (would like to) date women who are either 2 years younger or 2 years older then I. Since I'm 21, my perfect age range is 19-23. Anything younger or older is too creepy for me.

 

[Slitzkin]

The only reason you have an inkling of interest in her is because she has a crush on you. Move on, don't fool yourself.

 

[Ieyke]

I'm 27(nearly 28) and I'm investigating the possibilities of the ".5x+7" rule....
There's this girl I go to school with who's apparently AWESOME.
I've known her for 3 class days (like 12 hours), she's on a very similar wavelength to me, she's a Game Design major like I am, sweet, funny, a geeky internet creature, and goddamn gorgeous......but she's 20 - about to turn 21.
.5x+7 x=27 =20.5
.5x+7 x=28 =21

That puts me in the clear, right?
I'm hesitant...
Not sure why.

Probably because she's 4 years younger than my younger brother...

Mind you, she might not be interested at all, so it might not matter.
...or she might be.
I'm pretty massively TERRIBLE at picking up on that.

 

[unindexedsearchengine]

Well, I'm 17 and my girlfriend is 23 and there are no issues what so ever, but taking the whole teacher/student thing into account, the rumors that might pop up could be a problem, but hey, I've seen similar situations work out just fine.
Get to know her. If you guys click, and, as people, fit together, then go for it, don't let age stop you.

 

[Blow_Pop]

The age gap in general DOESN'T bother me.

What bothers me is that she's still in school. And (for my part of the US at least) underage. Me personally, I'd get to know her as a friend (which I have no problem with in general) and wait until she turned 21 before I attempted to get into a relationship with. And encourage her to try and date others in the meantime.

I've done this before and the other person involved wound up getting into a long term relationship with someone more on the same wavelengths at the same point in life as them and were happier than they'd be with me which makes me happier

 

[spartan231490]

So there is this girl I know, aged 16, who I've recently learned has a crush on me (it must be snowing in hell). Now, since I'm 22 (turning 23 in just a couple of weeks), there is a good 7 year age gap. I'm flattered but not sure if I'm interested - largely because of the age gap. Please note that if something did happen, then nothing physical would. We're both Christians so waiting until marriage for that (in general)!

My initial reaction was "likely not interested", but since then 2 big realizations have come into play.

1) My parents and her parents (who happen to be friends) are very gung-ho about it - they just think it'd be the best thing ever if we dated, which certainly shocked me at first. Reflecting on it, it's likely because of the 6 year gap between my parents and the 8 year gap between hers.

2) I'm in teacher training at the moment, very soon to be on my first placement. If all goes well, I will be a fully qualified high-school maths teacher this time next year. Meanwhile, she will have 2 years left of school... I seem to be the only one who finds that really off. For example, in 2 years time she'll be going to her high-school formal (prom). If I'm dating her, I guess I'll be going with her. Usually teachers are invited to go to those as well... as teachers - not the students dates!

I know the age gap will be more trivial when she's like 19-20, but until she at least leaves school I find it hella strange. It may not just be the age gap so much as the fact that she IS 16. Granted she does seem very mature for her age - I was too for a 16 year old. But I've still done a lot of maturing and had a lot of experiences since then so it seems we're at very different stages of life.

She herself seems lovely - I know very little about her since we haven't talked much. My parents seem intent on playing matchmaker and if I decide that I'm not interested then I need a way of convincing them to lay off.

What do you guys think? Should I try to get to know her first, or just say no now?

I'm going to go ahead and address this as 2 issues. The age gap is a little awkward now, but ask yourself if you would feel strange dating her in 2 years? In 4? As for my opinion, I don't really think there's anything wrong with that age gap, it's awkward, but not wrong.

However, there is something very wrong with a teacher dating a student who goes to the same school they teach at. It's a power dynamic thing. When one party in a relationship has that kind of authority over another, it's never a good idea. So, if you're going to end up teaching at the school she attends, I think it would be wrong to date her until after she graduates, even if nothing physical were to happen.

 

[eatenbyagrue]

I've been in that EXACT same situation during my internship, with a few extra monkey wrenches thrown in for good measure (the girl was 17, but I was 25 at the time (side note: where I live, that's pretty old to still be in university), and she's Roman Catholic and I'm an atheist. Also, I'm an English teacher).

That said, I've dated girls WAY younger than me (I was 22, she was 17) and I find that the real problem is maturity: girls, especially really young girls (and maybe guys too, I dunno. I was more interested in D&D and Magic when I was 17) still have that over-idealized vision of romance where if you're not thinking of each other 24/7, then something is wrong, and that makes a real, adult relationship difficult.