Relationship troubles: Need objective help.

[Vern5]

About a week ago, my gf of nearly two years and I called our relationship off. Things hadn't been going well due to college constantly interfering and generally bringing out our worst attitudes. It's been a little over a week now and I still have feelings for, but that's not the whole problem.

I've mostly kept to myself and I have been trying to desperately hold onto what little I have in the way of academic success. Whereas I retreated inward, she went outward. She's started hanging out with her friends a little more and I'm happy for her. One thing I'm not happy about is that guys she knows are already trying to move in where I've recently vacated.

She hasn't done anything serious yet. I think. I hope

Anyway, she called me just a few minutes ago in tears. She said she had gone on a date with some guy and something must have happened to upset her. From what I could gather between sobs, he hadn't done anything to her (physically I mean) but she said that he was a jerk. She also told me that she felt bad to be on the date in the first place.

I'm a heartless person. I try to be a nice, charming, and agreeable to make up for it but I rarely feel any emotions. What little feelings I do have are for her and those feelings are more apparent now than ever. I'm also a busy person. I'm going to be in another country for the summer and she's going off to be a Physical Therapist while I'm just scratching a resume together from what little I truly understand about English and Psychology. Our lives seem to be heading in different directions.

I don't know if I can trust her anymore, either. She nearly slept with a friend of hers (an acquaintance of mine) recently and now she's going on dates. I believe she is just trying to move on or was pressured into that date but I have nothing factual to base that upon.

I hate living like this. Uncertain, alone, and now heartbroken (and feeling slightly betrayed). I always knew that circumstances would seek to drive us apart but I figured that life is short; better to spend what time you have with someone you love. My heart tells me to try and fix things and take back my relationship before its too late. My mind tells me that she's better off without me in the long run.

I could really use an outside opinion with this. I honestly have no idea what to do. What should I do?

 

[SirDoom]

I don't know if I can trust her anymore, either. She nearly slept with a friend of hers (an acquaintance of mine) recently and now she's going on dates. I believe she is just trying to move on or was pressured into that date but I have nothing factual to base that upon.

I hate living like this. Uncertain, alone, and now heartbroken (and feeling slightly betrayed). I always knew that circumstances would seek to drive us apart but I figured that life is short; better to spend what time you have with someone you love. My heart tells me to try and fix things and take back my relationship before its too late. My mind tells me that she's better off without me in the long run.

I could really use an outside opinion with this. I honestly have no idea what to do. What should I do?

1- You broke up. It is perfectly reasonable for her to go on dates. Some people do try and get right back into the dating scene directly after a breakup. If you and her broke up because she "wasn't ready" for something and then she immediately went off and did that thing with a different person, then that's a different story. But from what I can gather, this is not the case.

2- The bolded part is a problem. While that's a noble thought, you're missing a critical detail: It's not just about her. In times like this, you can't let your feelings for another person get in the way of taking care of yourself. If you want to try to get back together, that's fine. If you want to try to distance yourself, that's fine. But whatever you do, don't do it for her sake. Do it for yours.

Personally, I would be a bit more outgoing for the time being. After my last breakup, I did basically what you're doing now (although I didn't feel betrayed so much as completely ignored, but that's a different issue altogether). Sitting around thinking about her is NOT going to help, no matter what your intended course of action is. Go out, spend time with friends, clear your head. Perhaps you'll meet someone new, perhaps you'll realize that you should get back together. The important thing here is that you're having fun in the meantime, and not letting this consume you.

 

[Vern5]

I don't know if I can trust her anymore, either. She nearly slept with a friend of hers (an acquaintance of mine) recently and now she's going on dates. I believe she is just trying to move on or was pressured into that date but I have nothing factual to base that upon.

I hate living like this. Uncertain, alone, and now heartbroken (and feeling slightly betrayed). I always knew that circumstances would seek to drive us apart but I figured that life is short; better to spend what time you have with someone you love. My heart tells me to try and fix things and take back my relationship before its too late. My mind tells me that she's better off without me in the long run.

I could really use an outside opinion with this. I honestly have no idea what to do. What should I do?

1- You broke up. It is perfectly reasonable for her to go on dates. Some people do try and get right back into the dating scene directly after a breakup. If you and her broke up because she "wasn't ready" for something and then she immediately went off and did that thing with a different person, then that's a different story. But from what I can gather, this is not the case.

2- The bolded part is a problem. While that's a noble thought, you're missing a critical detail: It's not just about her. In times like this, you can't let your feelings for another person get in the way of taking care of yourself. If you want to try to get back together, that's fine. If you want to try to distance yourself, that's fine. But whatever you do, don't do it for her sake. Do it for yours.

Personally, I would be a bit more outgoing for the time being. After my last breakup, I did basically what you're doing now (although I didn't feel betrayed so much as completely ignored, but that's a different issue altogether). Sitting around thinking about her is NOT going to help, no matter what your intended course of action is. Go out, spend time with friends, clear your head. Perhaps you'll meet someone new, perhaps you'll realize that you should get back together. The important thing here is that you're having fun in the meantime, and not letting this consume you.

You are very wise and correct. Thank you for the advice.

 

[SiskoBlue]

No one can say for sure but it's pretty likely this relationship isn't going to last. You've split and you've done it while you still have some feelings of, if not love, at least frienship for each other. That's good.

Break all contact with her. For your own good and hers. I speak from experience. Giving up a relationship is like giving up cigarettes. You have habits you need to break. Everytime you talk to her, read an email, talk about with friends, it's basically putting the pack under your nose. All you're doing is tempting and tormenting yourself.

And really what's the other options and possible outcomes at this stage? You can both try to keep in touch but for the break up to actually succeed you both need to move on and date other people. That's going to be painful to hear (it already is isn't it). Even if you never want to date someone again, hearing them dating other people hurts your ego, it hurts your feelings, and your imagination will make it 50 times worse than if you actually watched them date someone else.

So the outcome of that is that you'll both start being guarded about who you're dating. You'll both know it and get jealous and paranoid about what they're NOT telling you has happened, and then when you do it hear it it still comes as a surprise and it hurts. You also might go so far as to intentionally, or unintentionally sabotage any new relationships she'll form. You've known her 2 years, I'm sure you know what things you can say that can ruin her evening if she's going on a date. You might you can't help yourself but say them, then hate yourself for it (again I speak from experience).

So the best thing to do is write her a lovely email or letter explaining exactly what I've said. You can't see each other because all it does is remind you how close you were and how sad it is you're not now. And any "moving on" or happiness you hear about will just hurt the other person. So it's not healthy.

Also, I read an article once that asked, can broken up couples every be friends again. The ONLY success stories, the ONLY ones that succeeded in staying friends where the ones that broke contact for at least 6 months before they got in contact with each other again, whether it was by choice or circumstances.

I know it hurts to hear it, and it hurts to do but going cold turkey will be the quickest, nicest, and least painful way to get over this break up.

Good luck.