Relationships: Being yourself (with pictures!)

[DeimosMasque]

I've been in a happy relationship for eight years now and before that I was in a rapid succession of bad ones. Want to know what caused the bad ones? Being someone I wasn't.

Girl was into Wicca? Hey what do you know I'm suddenly not raised Catholic but instead really follow wicca and all that. Imagine the coincidence.

Girl liked country music and camping? Really? Me too. Isn't that amazing, turns out I'm not really a fan of industrial music at all!

The Lady loves yaoi anime? Yeah sure. Fake is one of my favorite animes too. How did you guess?

My relationship with my wife started by answering a personals add on Gothic Personals and the first serious thing I asked past all the "what's your name and stuff" was "So do you like comics?" She said yes, and guess what it was true. Do you like video games? I'm the queen of Soul Calibur out of my friends. Do you like table top RPGs? Never played them but they sound interesting. She asked me if I liked anime and I told her, "Mostly the older stuff like Sailor Moon and Voltron." What kind of music I like and I told her it was Industrial and 40s and 50s Crooners.

We didn't agree on everything, she loved going to the mall and hanging all day, I didn't. She liked comics but wasn't obsessed like I was. I liked KMFDM she liked Nine Inch Nails. Yet today we are still together and going strong.

Difference? We were both ourselves. We didn't make up some fake person that we would be miserable to be.

You have to be yourself because well, you are yourself. You can be someone else for a little while but eventually your just going to hate being this fake person and the truth will have to come out. And then you're miserable because your relationship is on the rocks and probably over.

 

[Johnny Impact]

Whenever I hear Be Yourself[sup]TM[/sup] or some variation thereof my first thought is, "What about when Myself is a pretty awful kind of person?"

If I ever figure that out, I'll let you know.

OT: I've been myself since forever. I don't know how to be anyone else. I suspect I would find it deeply distasteful to pretend.

On the other hand, being myself resulted in a string of rejections that lasted ten years and would no doubt continue today had I not abandoned the notion of ever having a woman in my life. I've left them alone the last twelve years or so and they seem to like it better that way.

I definitely envy people with appealing qualities (whatever those are) that allow them to form healthy, enduring relationships. I'm not at all sure I envy the slick fakers and narcissists who glide from one failed relationship to another, never feeling anything beyond greed, lust, or anger, never realizing the common factor in all their failures is themselves.

I have, at least, managed to acknowledge that women not choosing me is my fault, not women's.

....And what's wrong with being called Lucy? I think it's a pretty name. My name is so common I've never had a classroom or job where there weren't at least two of us.

 

[search_rip]

My name is so common I've never had a classroom or job where there weren't at least two of us.

I shall name you Johnny 1, Johnny 2 and Johnny 3, need to get two more people from the next classroom to make my pop boyband "The Johnnies" stardom here we come hehehe

 

[barbzilla]

snip

Okay, I've done quite a bit of research on this subject myself. The thing is, those guides you find are meant for first encounters. At this point the girl in question should have a fair idea of who you are, and already knows if she likes you or not. My suggestion is to, in fact, be yourself. You need to let her know that you are romantically interested in here as soon as possible. If you beat around the bush or do those stupid high school games, you are unlikely to make anything more than a friend. If you make a friend with the intent of dating her, you are shooting yourself in the foot. Just go up to her and say, "Hey we've been doing X for Y long, and I think you are really fun to hang out with. Would you like to go do Z with me sometime?" or you can be more direct "Hello X, since we started Y, I am really starting to like you. Would you be interested in going out with me sometime?"

If you go with any less direct approach you are not making your intentions known and this is where most guys get into trouble.

 

[barbzilla]

Why can't I be myself with another person?

A lot of advice that centers around how to act on dates, or how to converse with the opposite sex, aren't about masking your identity so much as putting your best foot forward. Projecting a positive impression. If "yourself" is about expressing your values and interests, by all means...be yourself. If "yourself" is being neurotic or depressing or needlessly confrontational, then you're not "being yourself" so much as indulging your desire to act however you please and then griping about the consequences.

Dealing with other human beings...romantically or otherwise...isn't terribly difficult, but it may require stepping outside your comfort zone. You'll often hear that you need to "be confident". Not because you can never show insecurity in front of a woman lest she tear you apart, but because CONSTANT insecurity is wearisome and not particularly attractive (in either gender). You don't need to be in a good mood all the time, but if you're looking to make a strong first impression I recommend not showing up and doing your best Eeyore impersonation. And on, and on, and on. No one has (or should have) a sense of self that precludes them being happy, or confident, or pleasant, or patient, or kind. If you feel that you do, you need to forestall dating until you've done some work on yourself.

Very true about confidence, but I'd like to add to it. Being confident is about instilling value in yourself. When someone (man or woman) is considering dating someone else, one of the primary aspects they look at is social value. This doesn't mean you need to be popular or anything like that, it is about wanting a m8 who is on the same level as yourself (disregard for some people, as some people like projects, and still others like to date "up"). So when you are acting confidently you hide your insecurities and some of your issues (unless you are in an intimate relationship with someone, these are your problems, not theirs), to elevate your social value/worth in their eyes. By all means follow your own standards of moral and economic factors, this is more about being yourself.

 

[Lyri]

Quite recently I met someone in my neighbourhood I've gotten fond of. While there hasn't been this huge spark between us, there are situations where I have and talk to her in order to get something done. But you see, if I were to go to her on moments where I don't really need anything from her, it would obviously come across as odd and weird to say the least.

So, being curious, I look up the internet to perhaps find a way to reach her without being clingy or weird or anything. Immediately I find thousands of websites with relationship guides the size of Christian Bibles telling you how men should act EXACTLY how women subconciously want them to act and so on.

But after five minutes of casual reading, it just hit me.

Why can't I be myself with another person?

Why am I required to read tons upon tons of books on relationships in order to have a SLIGHT chance of having one? These days, espescially if it's a person of the opposite sex, people like me face these gigantic f*cking barriers 'of entry' just to get TO KNOW a person.

You don't, that is what the websites want you to think so that you will subscribe to some periodical or some other nonsense they're trying to sell to get page views.
Those things do not work, I know a guy who lost his long time girlfriend and fell deep into the hole that these books and websites give you and genuinely believed that they were going to work for him and he could "manipulate" her into getting her back.

Obviously it didn't work, people are people and not a paragraph out of a book. Some girls like how you smell, some like how you look and some just take you as you come because you're a nice person.
Find out who you are and who you want to be and then just go ask her to hang out, the worst case scenario is she says no and then well, you're still exactly where you are right now and you haven't lost anything.
You only stand to gain by grabbing life by the testes and showing it who is the man.

Hint: You da man!

 

[TotalerKrieger]

You are overthinking it. The next time you see her just ask her out for a coffee or something similar. If she says yes, there is a perfect opportunity to get to know her better. If she says no, well you didn't really lose anything and your problem is resolved, rejection isn't as painful as it is made out to be and the so-called awkwardness after being turned down is non-existant for most people (they are usually just flattered).

Forget all the "be yourself" or "be like that guy" crap and stop reading manipulative self-help/p.u.a. books. Just go with the flow and just try to enjoy yourself. Forget acting one way or another. People can usually tell the difference between acting confident and being confident...and the only way to gain confidence is experience.

 

[DoctorObviously]

I have been looking at the thread for a while and I want to thank everyone who participated and gave advice. Thanks!

 

[someonehairy-ish]

You're over-thinking it. Self-help books on the subject are universally crap, because they're always going to come up with some 'this is what all women want' bullshit. People like simple solutions; that's how these things sell. But they won't actually help. Women are all individuals and there is most certainly not some universal thing that they're all after.

Be yourself isn't terrible advice. Be confident certainly isn't terrible advice. But the truth is that there is no relationship konami code. I think that once you've started chatting and found out if you have any similar interests or whatever, you'll be fine. Once you get to that point, you're just chatting to a friend, albeit with probably a bit more flirting.
Unfortunately, initiating things is probably the hardest part if you're not naturally hugely confident. All the relationships I've had have, I think, usually been with people who initially met when they were talking to a mate and had a bit of banter and got introduced. Other times there's just been a good opportunity. One girl I met on holiday was struggling with some luggage so I offered to help, great chance to get chatting...

So yeah. Trying to contrive situations where you're going to be around her won't do you any favours, it'll come of as a bit odd, however make the most use out of situations where you are around her, and if you do genuinely just happen to bump into her say hi. She's never going to notice you or get to know you if you keep all of your interactions entirely functional, ie, just trying to get stuff done, so you need to let a bit of your personality out. Don't be trying to conform to some mythical stereotypical perfect male.
That's all I have to say.

Edit:
One more thing. Just straight up inviting her out wouldn't be a terrible idea. Preferably take her somewhere familiar so that you feel comfortable chatting, even if it's somewhere a bit weird (I've taken people to the local metal bar) because then at least the weirdness is showing a facet of your personality and also gives her something to ask you about. It basically just makes it much easier to open up, and hopefully get the same response in kind.