Relationships - fall for your equal or fall for your opposite?

[lacktheknack]

Fuck compromise, you'll never find a perfect compromise.

I think relationships can only work if there is a compromise between someone being like and someone being unlike you. We need partners that are similar enough that we can relate to and yet different enough to not just mirror ourselves. And according to research I've read (long lost, sorry), relationships are most sustainable long-term when there is similarity in how the couple approaches things like money or household chores or sexual routines, but difference in other issues so that they can push each other to grow. Because really, it's the mutual growth that makes relationships last.

Like I said, you'll never find perfect 50/50 middle-ground, and if you can accept that then you should deal with the fact the other half of the relationship is going to lean one way or the other. But never a perfect middle.

Eh. If you make enough attempts at equal compromise, law of limits states that you're eventually going to get there on the whole.

Personally, I'm happy if I can even get 40/60 compromise in the other person's favor. I'm not so anal-retentive that I'm ready to ditch a compromise because it didn't land flawlessly.

 

[bluerocker]

Me and my current boyfriend met through two activities of shared interest: Dungeons and Dragons, and a Japanese class.

Although we're not very much alike, a shared interest in things has helped pave the road for a working relationship; (Disclaimer: Communication between yourself and your partner will go a long way. That is important too.)

So, I'd have to say someone who is similar to me would be easier to fall for.

 

[TheRiddler]

Eh. I always figured that the "opposites attract" rule was probably just a myth. Spend enough time with anyone and you'll probably find places where you disagree, including people who you first thought were just like you. And vice versa. Voluntarily spend enough time with somebody else? There's probably [b/]some[/b] common ground. It's all based on subjective traits. I mean, spend a day locked in a room with an exact clone of yourselves, you'll probably still conclude that one of you is the messy one.

I don't think that we ever fall in love with either our opposites or duplicates of ourselves. Given any potential mate, there are probably both similarities and differences that we'll find. It's just a matter of time.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

Eh. I always figured that the "opposites attract" rule was probably just a myth.

I always thought this was a way of coping with the cognitive dissonance of being with a person who doesn't ace a certain requirement in your relationship checklist. "She's loud and disorderly but meh, opposites attract".

 

[stroopwafel]

I've had one relationship with a girl I had a lot similarities with(personality wise) and really cared about but(and I hate to admit it) for some reason have never really been in love with. I thinks this is what ultimately made us grow apart.

Now I've also had an on and off romance that was the complete opposite. We could talk for hours but also argue for hours(it turned from sweet talk to clashing opinions in a whim). I told her I was in love with her and she told me she wasn't in love with me. I tried to accept this and put her out of my mind only for her to send me messages again weeks(sometimes months) later. We meet up again(flesh is weak) only to have some of the most intimate, raw and (dare I say) 'desperate' sex imaginable. Rinse and repeat for years.

Later she broke the message she had fallen in love with someone and didn't want to see me anymore. Also just like that, ice cold, like none of it ever mattered to her. I always have a calm demeanor but I completely lost my shit and did and say some things I normally would have never done or said(nothing abusive, mind). Feelings reside fairly quickly when you don't see anyone anymore but at that particular moment my desire for her was so overwhelmingly strong I probably would have done anything to win her affection, including I think even risking my life. Now I think that's ridiculous but at that instant it felt, literally, like my heart was ripped out.

I'm over it now but sometimes, very rarely, I wake up in the night b/c I had some vivid dream about her. It was one of the most intense things I've ever experienced but needless to say right now I'd rather settle for harmony.

 

[L. Declis]

Yeah, I'd rather have similar. I've dated someone who was the opposite of me, and while she was out-going, beautiful and ambitious, we had trouble discussing things because we had no shared interests.

She disliked my hobbies, disliked my friends, disliked my choice of degree (because there is no job at the end of it) and so on. I disliked how pragmatic she was, to the point of dismissing romance utterly ("love won't feed you"), how she tried to force me to become a slave to her emotions, how she treated me badly.

She liked shopping and eating out and watching TV soaps. I liked painting, making things with my hands, playing video games, roleplaying, going to the cinema. We just didn't click.

On a more serious note, we couldn't even agree on a potential outlook. She was heavily racist against anyone who wasn't her race or white; I dislike all racism. If we had had a child, she would have disowned it if it was gay or dated a coloured person. We couldn't decide which country to live in when we were older. She felt that the woman should handle all the finances, I felt it should be 50:50.

In the end, the relationship fell apart from a hundred cracks, with no common interests to glue it together.

 

[Cerebrawl]

Definitely similar. Similar interests, similar values. But I'd gladly go for an opposite in personality: IE: I'm the laid back logical introvert one, and like more outgoing energetic girls to pull me out of my shell and activate me.

 

[Lawnmooer]

I typically fall for my opposite the majority of the time, while becoming close friends with people whom are similar to me.

I have a bit of a strange personality, I can be loud, obnoxious and dismissive of other people's feelings. I therefore find it preferable to be with someone who's a bit more in control of themselves, more sensible and responsible who can ensure that I don't cause to many issues with my personality/volume.

We can also have vastly different hobbies and still get along fine (As long as we respect each other's preferences, we won't force each other into our preferred hobby and won't get upset if we spend time on them)

That said, I can still fall for people whom are similar to me, though it usually ends up in something very messy and I really need to avoid these situations...

 

[EeveeElectro]

Dating someone previously who was the opposite of me personality wise (well-off, middle class, parents still together, apparently never experienced anything bad in his life) did not work. I changed as a person because I cared too much of what he thought about me and I wanted to look like a better person. I was caking myself in make-up and wearing clothes I usually wouldn't because I felt like he needed everything in his perfect life to carry on being perfect.

It slowly sent me bat-shit insane, constantly feeling like I wasn't good enough and couldn't outwardly show my down to earth, silly and easy going nature around him and his and family.

My boyfriend now, is basically a male version of me and it works great. We have some different interests to keep things interesting and while he is also quite middle class, he isn't stuck up about it. His family are crazier than me but awesome too so I feel completely at ease~

 

[Erttheking]

Really I'd just like to fall for someone I know and respect. And really someone I share basic interests in, you know, so we actually have something to do together.

 

[FPLOON]

Well, considering that I've never dated anyone in my life (so far), I will say that I was attracted to someone who we both had A LOT of similarities, personality-wise... and finding out that one of my graduating classmates was attracted to me, despite them literally being the opposite of me personality-wise, was kinda awesome to me, since it showed me that I could technically get a date if I act like myself... (Granted, I knew that when it came to finding a date, but the results justify my knowledge of dating! WOO!)

With that said, I say a mixture of both similarities and differences seem to be what I look for in a relationship... We're similar enough to bond over, but different enough for us to grow as a couple... I may not be picky on types as some people[footnote]Is my desperation showing?[/footnote], but that doesn't mean I don't have some standards under my belt... (Although, I having a hard time thinking about how dating a rule 63 version of myself would turn out... given the possible inconsistencies between the both of us, personality-wise...)

 

[willard3]

I'm a musician, and have only ever dated musicians. My current girlfriend I met when she hired me to play on her senior recital. (I'm an accompanist, which means I play piano for/with vocalists and other instruments.) I'm more reserved and quiet, and she's outgoing and outspoken, frequently with many opinions to share. She's also from New York and Boston, which means she's also loud and accented. But we both share a love of music, and then our differences complement each other.

 

[FieryTrainwreck]

Your best bet for long-term passion is shacking up with your opposite. The differences will generate arguments/fights/shit-tests, and these will provide opportunities to demonstrate independence, value, dominance, etc. - all things that lead to sexy times.

Your best bet for long-term contentedness is your like. The absence of drama will generate serenity, peace, security - all good qualities in a loving relationship.

Of course, most people who go a long time without passion will eventually find themselves discontent...

Short answer: you're fucked.

 

[Padwolf]

Well, me and my boyfriend met through a similar interest; league of legends. We have many similar interests, and we both want the same things in life. We are similar in personality in some ways but mostly different. It's great because I'm quite quiet and a bit shy and he is the opposite, so it brings me out of my shell a little and makes me feel more at ease with new people and situations. Our differences just work. The similarities are great since it means we both get overexcited about the same things.

 

[Phasmal]

Sometimes me and my boyfriend are so alike I make terrible Bioshock Infinite jokes about us.
But we do differ on many things. I wouldn't want to date myself.

I think it's better to be with someone who is mostly similar, but that's because I'm with someone mostly similar, so I'm probably biased.

I think it's important to have key things in common, I've mentioned before I could never date a guy who wasn't into games, simply because my level of involvement would drive them insane and them not giving a fuck about it would drive ME insane.

 

[Grach]

I have way too low self-esteem to actually fall in love with myself. So I think I'd prefer a girlfriend who is opposite to me.

 

[Rariow]

Personality-wise, I prefer women who are opposed to me, as long as that doesn't mean being loud and obnoxious. This is partially because if I was in a relationship with someone like me most of the time would be spent in awkward silence, but mostly because I just find energetic people strangely attractive. Interests-wise, however, I find we need to be a relatively close match: otherwise we don't seem to have much to talk about. I don't mean I can only date gamer girls with a disturbing obsession with the works of Arthur Conan Doyle studying Maths, they just need to like stuff like literature and film over stuff like sports or gossip.

 

[Elfgore]

I'd prefer someone with similar interest, but with a different personality. I tend to be rather loud and obnoxious, if a future girlfriend was the same, it would get annoying very quickly. But similar interest is a must have.

 

[Something Amyss]

I prefer partners who engage me on a personal and intellectual level. I don't care if they're like me or my opposite. I care that I care about them, they care about me, and we can click on some level. My current tends to be of the same mindset as me much of the time, but that's not always been the case with my relationships. Differences can be just as stimulating, sometimes more so.