Reviewing games as food.

[Grach]

A thought striked me the other day. I was thinking a way to translate games into food, under the assumption that you couldn't turn every game into some dish. I seriously couldn't think of any game that couldn't undergo this transfomation.

Let me clarify with some examples: Portal 2.

"Portal 2 is like a bar of chocolate that's one part white, the other milky and the last part dark chocolate. It may not satisfy and can get a bit indulgent at times, but it's ultimately enjoyable and quite memorable."

Battlefield 3.

"It's kind of like a tasty salad that unfortunately is a tad imbalanced and poorly seasoned. It could've been made better by reducing some spices while adding more of others. In the end, it leaves you with the impression that with a bit more care and time* it could've been so much more."

So I ask, escapists, what game do you feel like they're like a good lasagna or like crusty french fries?



*I will curse anyone who makes a thyme joke here.

 

[Racecarlock]

Portal is cake.

Batman Arkham City is a bunch of delicious bacon.

Katamari is like a bunch of candy.

Just Cause 2 is a delicious burger. Cheesy, but with a solid meaty part.

 

[skywolfblue]

Skyrim is like white bread with fancy frosting on it. It may look pretty, but when it comes down to it, the essence/substance is missing.

Dark Souls like like a Warhead [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Warheads_%28candy%29] candy. When you first taste it is very sour, but after a while it turns sweet.

Bayonetta is like dark chocolate. You know you probably shouldn't enjoy it as much as you do, that ridiculous over the top taste.

 

[MCerberus]

WoW is a Twinkie. It really isn't good, but it's in the collective conscious of being awesome. It's stale, hasn't changed in forever, and every once in a while you want one for no freaking reason.

Killing Floor is a bowl of Hamburger Helper. There's so much wrong with it, but it has its own crazy charms. Tasty, but not fine cuisine.

League of Legends and DotA2 are the two competing pizza places downtown. Your system really wishes you'd have less pizza anyway, it's making you less healthy... but still pizza

 

[username sucks]

Fallout: New Vegas a fine steak cooked very rare. Lots of good flavor, but you don't care to much about the flavor when out of nowhere you puke your guts out from glitches food poisoning.

TF2 is a gingerbread house. It's pretty tasty, but all anyone cares about is decoration.

Minecraft is an open bag of candy. Sweet, but you just can't stop eating.

 

[Launcelot111]

Persona 4 is a big steaming bowl of ramen because both are the best and because I think about both all too often during car rides or whenever. Also because Persona 4 has ramen.

 

[saintdane05]

I shall refer to Patrick Bateman for my food.
<quote=Patrick Bateman>
You're gonna have the peanut butter soup... with smoked duck and mashed squash. New York Matinee called it "a playful but mysterious little dish.

 

[Best of the 3]

Mass effect 1/2/3 is like a 3 course meal. Every one of them tasting delicious, and becoming more refined and flavourful the more you eat. ME1 is a nice salad starter with bacon bits. Messy but has the bare bones leaving you with room for more and promise of something even greater. ME2 is a lovely roast dinner but skimpy on the vegetables. Improved on the main elements yet cut out the "frilly bits" ME3 being a nice chocolate cake dessert. Enjoyed more in sections which easily fill you up but as with any desert, leaves you wanting more. Every bite is delicious. Then at the last bite and you recoil in shock at the taste of a turd.

 

[thethird0611]

DoTa 2 is like fast food. You know you shouldnt have it, its unhealthy, and you may even be able to break the habit!... but that one day you taste it 'just because I dont want to cook tonight', and you cant stop.

Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic is like a delicous $100 dollar steak.... that has a weird bone in it. When you try to cut a hunk off, you hit the bone and it annoys you, and you have to try cutting another way. When you finally get a piece though, its delicous.

The ME series is like a wonderful meal. The appetizer your hesitant about trying since its a lot of money for a small amount of food, but it comes out perfect and fills you up nice and content until your entree. The entree is nice, its presented really well, but when you taste it, its a little cold for how it should be. But then, you decide, 'I really want something sweet to tope it off', and get the chocolate cake with chocolate chips with chocolate syrup and a scoop of vanilla ice cream. Its so light and sweet and wonderful, and after the last bite, you set your fork down and rub your stomach, wonderfully full and happy.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

Okami is a delicious course of rice dumplings I guess.

 

[RJ 17]

The ME series is like a wonderful meal. The appetizer your hesitant about trying since its a lot of money for a small amount of food, but it comes out perfect and fills you up nice and content until your entree. The entree is nice, its presented really well, but when you taste it, its a little cold for how it should be. But then, you decide, 'I really want something sweet to tope it off', and get the chocolate cake with chocolate chips with chocolate syrup and a scoop of vanilla ice cream. Its so light and sweet and wonderful, and after the last bite, you set your fork down and rub your stomach, wonderfully full and happy.

Holy shit, actual praise for the ME series? *sheds a tear* Thank you, kind sir. Thank you. I'm not alone anymore.

Final Fantasy IV is like ordering a big plate of spaghetti with meat-sauce at a fine Italian restaurant. It fills you up with it's robust, delicious story that leaves you yearning for the next bite even as you're chewing what's already in your mouth. All while a violinist is playing just the most perfect mood-music for your dining experience.

Bah, I could do better, but I've been up for about 30 hours straight and it hard getting to think now straight. xP

Spoiler: Note:

Yes, the grammar errors were intentional for comedic effect.

 

[thethird0611]

The ME series is like a wonderful meal. The appetizer your hesitant about trying since its a lot of money for a small amount of food, but it comes out perfect and fills you up nice and content until your entree. The entree is nice, its presented really well, but when you taste it, its a little cold for how it should be. But then, you decide, 'I really want something sweet to tope it off', and get the chocolate cake with chocolate chips with chocolate syrup and a scoop of vanilla ice cream. Its so light and sweet and wonderful, and after the last bite, you set your fork down and rub your stomach, wonderfully full and happy.

Holy shit, actual praise for the ME series? *sheds a tear* Thank you, kind sir. Thank you. I'm not alone anymore.

Final Fantasy IV is like ordering a big plate of spaghetti with meat-sauce at a fine Italian restaurant. It fills you up with it's robust, delicious story that leaves you yearning for the next bite even as you're chewing what's already in your mouth. All while a violinist is playing just the most perfect mood-music for your dining experience.

Bah, I could do better, but I've been up for about 30 hours straight and it hard getting to think now straight. xP

Spoiler: Note:

Yes, the grammar errors were intentional for comedic effect.

Yesh, praise for my favorite series of all time! I have my few complaints (Like ME1 inventory and ME2 kinda taking a dip), but it was wonderful, and the Mass Effect 3 ending really left me happy and content. The extended cut helped it even more, and so did leviathon. Didnt get any of the other DLC yet though.

 

[RJ 17]

Yesh, praise for my favorite series of all time! I have my few complaints (Like ME1 inventory and ME2 kinda taking a dip), but it was wonderful, and the Mass Effect 3 ending really left me happy and content. The extended cut helped it even more, and so did leviathon. Didnt get any of the other DLC yet though.

Seriously, I'm glad to hear I wasn't the only one NOT punching holes in the wall and throwing the TV out the window at the ending. I was a little disappointed that there wasn't more of an epilogue, but that final walk through the base-camp where you talk to all your squadmates and they say their goodbyes...yeah, in the story it was them saying "If worse comes to worse and this really is the end...it's been an honor, Shepard." But I fully admit I was in tears from start to finish in of that segment. Because to me it felt like the characters were saying goodbye to me as a player...I became overwhelmed by nostalgia and the amazing ride the series had taken me on over the years. "This really is it...this is the end to the most enjoyable story I've ever played through."

As for the ending, I could see where they were wanting to go with it and even made a topic 6 days after the game came out in which I extrapolate on the 3 endings and explain what they'd mean for the future of the galaxy...coincidentally when the EC came out my extrapolations were proven to be 100% correct. :3

So yeah, I still say the series is perfect, no matter what the hordes of haters say. Maybe that makes me a fanboy, but I really don't care.

As for the DLC...you could honestly probably skip Omega, it wasn't that great and was full of graphical glitches. You've GOT to get the Citadel one though, you've just got to. I won't spoil it, but trust me: it's well worth the download.

 

[Decroux]

Deus Ex: Human Revolution is a meringue. It looks -so- appetizing and the first bite is... not quite as nice as it looks and then a few bites later oh god this is way too sickening I can't do this.

The original Deus Ex is a Pavlova that has been covered in cream. At first you see a big white blob but as you cut into it and take your first slice you're treated to a perfectly cooked desert with the meringue base melting in your mouth, the second bite you nab some of the strawberry slices decorating the topping, then the chocolate sprinkles and rasberries and mint garnish all blending into the perfect combination of flavor. Finally you finish the entire thing having gorged yourself on the greatest food ever consumed.

 

[King of Asgaard]

Final Fantasy XIII is like a single strip of really overcooked chicken. There's little to keep you interested in eating more, and what little there is, is too much of a bother to get through.

Ni No Kuni is like an epic 5 course meal. The first 2 are a bit too long, and they're rather a slog to get through, so finishing is tricky, and every five minutes the chef comes up to your table to explain how to proceed with your meal, going so far as feeding you the first time he does it. That said, the venue is tastefully decorated, and there's a classical band playing something beautiful in the background, but it can't make you forget how frustrating it is to eat the food, even if it's probably delicious.

Dark Souls is like a mandatory buffet. There's a lot to get through, the different foods take some time to adjust to, and it's tricky at times, but for whatever reason, I keep coming back, hungrier than last time.

 

[Rpground]

Recettear:An Item Shop's Tale is that item on the menu when you read the short description you think "This seems...interesting..." It's in the back and when you order it you get a strange look from your waiter like he has NO idea what the hell you just ordered, so he/she just nods their head then goes and actually has to look through the menu to see what the bloody hell it is.

When you finally get it you just stare at it before you dig in...there it is in all it's splendor...you spent money on this, you wanted to satiate your curiosity...here it is. As you take your first bite you stop and think "It has sparklers...why?" then you resume. The first bite has a curious taste to it, and it makes you slightly nervous, you didn't get a little bit of everything in there so you wonder to yourself if you get a little more of this or that on that bite it will make it better.

At this point you remove the sparklers...they are really getting annoying and you also somewhat worry they will set your hair ablaze even though your waiter assured you that it's impossible anyway.

Now you experiment for a bit, getting into each bit of the dish seeing what tastes like what and what combinations go really well together. Soon after a few bits you hit it,the perfect bite...your mouth waters like a fountain all over the bite you just took, your eyes glimmer and a big grin creeps on your face. You then realize at that moment how everything moves and flows together into this perfect dish that no one ever really gave the chance to.

And soon before you know it, your meal is over...it's gone,over...and you miss it and actually a little upset about it wishing that it lasted longer...you're full and your satisfied but your hooked and still have a craving for more even though your stomach says no.

So you say to yourself "I'll be back,and I'm going to certainly have this again."



Lengthy, but I feel it accurately describes it. At least at the time I first played it years ago. P:

 

[Frotality]

mass effect the 1st is like a california roll: its has its fans, its not REAL sushi, but its exotic enough to satisfy sushi-eaters and traditional enough to still appeal to anyone willing to try it out.

mass effect the 2nd is like a fish taco sold at the same sushi place. you dont really know what its doing there or why theyre trying to sell it when there is a better taco place right down the road, but its still a pretty damn good lunch.

mass effect the 3rd is like a hibachi that gives you salmonella and turns out to be cat meat. people keep reminding you that at least it didnt taste bad at the time, but thats kind of missing the point.

 

[FPLOON]

Rayman Origins is like a mouthful of starburst... Each piece looks and taste like a contradiction done right... But, be warn, as it may silently choke you as you proceed to swallow the whole thing down... But, not to worry, as the juiciness of the taste causes a slight reset that prevents you from dying and having to re-swallow an entire section of said starburst yet again once you come back from purgatory... Although you can tag team with someone and try to eat this mouthhful of starburst together, but stick with just the two of you as more may cause some unneeded complications sometimes...


Overall, it's a great investment on your casual food palate, with a hardcore undertone if you're willing to eat that much... (It's also a neat change from the Mario graham cracker, in case you're wondering...)

 

[camerinian]

System Shock 2 and Deus Ex are like an aged wine. Sure, it's labeling may be pretty faded and visually unappealing today, but there are so many ways to enjoy it, with so many different extra variables, that your first time with it will be an experience you likely won't forget, and you'll want to keep trying it with slightly different variables, just to see how the experience changes