Russian Supercriminal Makes Off With 80,000 Pounds of Walnuts

[Evil Smurf]

Of course he's building a walnut powered death ray.

it is an insanity ray. it make the victims mad!

 

[ThrobbingEgo]

When no-one was looking, this criminal stole 80,000 pounds of Walnuts.
He stole 80,000 pounds.
Thats as many as 8 10,000 pounds.
And thats horrible.

Lex Luthor approves of the master criminals.

This might actually be a clever crime. Walnuts are street legal, pricey, and may be easy enough to fence. If only it was pecans...

 

[Daaaah Whoosh]

What kind of jail time do you get for stealing that many nuts? I mean, I guess he could go for an insanity plea, but the judge would have to be a big fan of puns.

 

[Infernai]

My bet's on a nut powered death ray...who else thinks nut powered death ray?

Obligatory...

Even more obligatorily:

 

[thespyisdead]

in mother Russia... nuts kick YOU in the nuts?

(i know... it's a foul pun)

 

[Assassin Xaero]

Obligatory...

Beat me to it.

 

[MrGalactus]

And the Escapist responded with 80000 pounds worth of puns. Congratulations, us.

When no-one was looking, this criminal stole 80,000 pounds of Walnuts.
He stole 80,000 pounds.
Thats as many as 8 10,000 pounds.
And thats horrible.

You deserve some kind of prize.

Of course he's building a walnut powered death ray.

My bet's on a nut powered death ray...who else thinks nut powered death ray?

Well. This is weird.

 

[scorptatious]

Looks like Lex Luthor has some competition.

 

[Callate]

Unless he's preparing to use some kind of walnut-powered doomsday device, I don't think he gets the "supercriminal" moniker for a $300,000 heist. Supercriminals have to have some standards.

 

[Moonlight Butterfly]

Ho Escapists of Midgard! This Squirrel Mans villainy will not stand! Walnuts I will avenge thee!

 

[yatterman1]

expecting next crimes to consist of flour, eggs, bacon or sausage, butter. because they are making really really large pancakes with eggs and bacon or sausage platter.

 

[Cyrus Hanley]

I think what I love most about this is not that he stole 80,000 pounds of walnuts, but rather that he stole 40,000 pounds of walnuts twice.

Then again, what is there NOT to love about this story?

I love it so much I want Hollywood to make a movie out of it.

Maybe embellish it a bit but keep the premise, it's gold.

 

[TheMadDoctorsCat]

I think what I love most about this is not that he stole 80,000 pounds of walnuts, but rather that he stole 40,000 pounds of walnuts twice.

Then again, what is there NOT to love about this story?

Hmmmm I'm not sure about that. Seems to me that it's very likely that the second thief was simply a copycat of the first one.

If my theory is right, expect dozens of simultaneous nut-truck thefts to break out all over the world. Soon to be referred to as "nut-jobs".

 

[Lt. Rocky]

I think I smell inspiration for the next James Bond villain.

Or..maybe Austin Powers.

 

[Charli]

OH MY GOD.

He's going to combine the stolen Maple Syrup and the stolen walnuts to create some kind of SUPER NUT SYRUP.




...

When I watched cartoons as a kid I was informed Super Villainy was more glamorous than this. Good to know the reality won't get me to default to the darkside.

 

[SpectacularWebHead]

I think what I love most about this is not that he stole 80,000 pounds of walnuts, but rather that he stole 40,000 pounds of walnuts twice.

Then again, what is there NOT to love about this story?

I like to think it was all a huge accident, and that this guy was actually trying to steal an entirely different thing, failed, ended up with nuts, tried again, Repeat.

I also think this story would be all the more hilarious if the guy was allergic to peanuts.

 

[SpectacularWebHead]

Russian Supercriminal Makes Off With 80,000 Pounds of Walnuts

The nut-thieving conman is described as a 6' 2" Caucasian male with a "very distinctive Russian accent" driving a white semi.

OMIGOD IT'S NIKO FUCKING BELLICK!
He must have seen saints row the third and gotten ideas!

 

[Bleidd Whitefalcon]

Looks like Lex Luthor has some competition.

But... those are pies.

OT: what the hell? Are those really going to be worth the trouble he had to go to in order to steal them? Must... resist... bad pun

 

[SodaDew]

I'm sure someones already made this comment but, this guy sees to me to be a total nut-case!

 

[Wesley Brannock]

I'd love to see what the headline of this story would be on the news. It'd probably say " This man had some balls to steal their nuts ".