Serious Relationships: What made you go from casual ones?

[rasputin0009]

So, I've never actually had what I define as a serious relationship. The longest I've dated a girl would probably be two months. Other than that, it has been one night stands, fuck buddies, and casual sex with friends.

Lately though, I've been entertaining the thought of finding someone to start a serious relationship with. But then I go and have one night stands again and again while finding it hard to explain to potential love interests (and myself) that I'm ready to settle down. It's extremely hypocritical of me.

I was wondering, what made you change from casual relationships to serious relationships? Was it something slow over time? Or an abrupt event? Or did you just find that special someone?

 

[Vegosiux]

Truth is...you don't plan for it. It happens.

And if you are planning for it, you're doing it wrong. My longest relationship has been seven years. And I've had my share of one night stands, too. What was different between the women? I don't know. There was something, but I don't think it even makes sense to try and point a finger at it.

But, if you're actively seeking a steady relationship, don't look for it in places where you go looking for one nigh stands. If you go to a nightclub, you can bet most people who are there to get laid, are there only to get laid, not to maybe find a special someone too.

 

[TheRightToArmBears]

I've always preferred the idea of a serious relationship; whilst I do enjoy casual sex, and I've had the odd casual relationship, I value a closer bond much more than anything like that. That said... I don't think a serious relationship is something you can really force if you don't really feel that much about someone, so it's not something you can plan for. I'd prefer to be in a serious relationship than a casual one, but I wouldn't try and force it. It always worries me that if I got into a casual relationship I wouldn't know what to do if I fell for someone else. I generally suck at these things.

 

[Fappy]

I prefer serious relationships. No question. I've never really been in a casual relationship I don't think (at least I didn't treat it as casual), but I'm a sap and enjoy the more simple aspects of relationships. Sex is important, but it's pretty low on the totem poll for me.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

Conversely, I've had nothing but "serious" relationships. I couldn't start a casual relationship even if I tried to. Even when I think I'm getting into a casual relationship, I get pulled into a serious one (not that there's anything wrong with it). It's amusing. I had sex with this girl on our first date and we ended up dating steadily despite my prediction that either I'd never see her again or we would remain casual buddies. So... I dunno, I guess it's something that just happens. If you like a person, you go along with whatever makes both happy.

 

[Queen Michael]

I never had a chance to have a casual relationship, so once I fell in love with a girl who fell in love with me it was simmply the most logical thing to do.

 

[Raikas]

Truth is...you don't plan for it. It happens.

And if you are planning for it, you're doing it wrong. My longest relationship has been seven years. And I've had my share of one night stands, too. What was different between the women? I don't know. There was something, but I don't think it even makes sense to try and point a finger at it.

But, if you're actively seeking a steady relationship, don't look for it in places where you go looking for one nigh stands. If you go to a nightclub, you can bet most people who are there to get laid, are there only to get laid, not to maybe find a special someone too.

I agree that it just happens, but at the same time I don't think it's true that you can't plan for it or that you can't find it in the casual spaces. I've seen awesome relationships come out of arranged marriages and I just went to an anniversary party for a couple who met at a club. The beginnings matter less than what comes after.

It works if you make it work.

 

[Shoggoth2588]

Truth is...you don't plan for it. It happens.

I think this can be said of most relationships too. I'm curious about how the OP can do one-night-stands, casual sex with friends, etc as those are all things/situations I've never been able to understand in terms of, how to make it happen.

I haven't really had any casual relationships like that. I managed a one-night stand once and it was really shitty; I wasn't expecting it to be that short-lived. I had another short-term relationship as well which also drained me emotionally and did nothing all that positive for me. That was then and this is now though: my current relationship is with someone who I've known for about 5 years and we've been serious for roughly 2 or 3 of those five. I've lived with her for a while and I'm getting ready to move back in with her, this time permanently.

You'll know when you find someone OP. When you're ready and when you find the right person you'll know.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

I was wondering, what made you change from casual relationships to serious relationships? Was it something slow over time? Or an abrupt event? Or did you just find that special someone?

Huh. You have had a very interesting dating life so far. I'm actually not sure what to tell you.

Surprising as some people around here might find this, I actually default to serious relationships. When I date, I date seriously. Most of my casual sex... actually, almost all of my casual sex, with only a couple of exceptions, has happened within a serious relationship (with the full consent and usually participation of my partner). But I digress.

My marriage started out as a sort of fling - we were having sex, but we had no idea where things were going. We'd been friends for years, and best friends for at least a year before we first hooked up, so we talked about just being Friends with Benefits, but there was so much... energy and connection that it quickly developed into more. We were officially living together five months later (and unofficially semi-living together since about three before that). Basically, when it happened, it got serious REALLY fast. Ten years later, we're married with children.

Aside from that, I've usually gone into relationships by being asked out (or, on occasion, doing the asking) and then dating with the expectation that Couple Status was the goal. At the end of one slightly awkward date, the guy who'd just kissed me goodnight asked me "so, does this make us a couple?" and I was like "um, sure?" And then we were, for seven months. And then we broke up because it wasn't working.

Another time, this guy asked me out, and there was never a discussion of how serious we were. He kinda wanted to wait on sex because he wanted it to be special, and I was horny and wanted him to take me (and help me forget about this girl who'd broken my heart recently). After I finished seducing him, he wanted to meet my parents, and I was like... "um, no." And things got awkward after that.

... I'm not sure I'm being very helpful here.

I've never really noticed a signal that says "it is now serious" except the feelings involved. My spouse and I started sort of casual, but it was all very passionate and fiery and we just worked so well together and couldn't keep our hands off each other and... yeah, 10 years later. I've had other relationships start off more serious and never go anywhere. It just sorta depends, I guess.

I wish I could be more help here. If you'd like to ask me for more details on any of this, I'd be happy to provide them. You know, if I've accidentally stumbled over an answer in here somewhere.

 

[The White Hunter]

Well lemme analyze it for a moment...

A serious relationship is something serious and fulfilling and kind of give you purpose.

A casual one is for funsies.

Now, actually getting a casual relationship going is difficult for people such as me (awkward, lazy, indifferent, cold hearted, etc) and doesn't really have the same payoff. Rather than go to a bar to get laid and spend a good £80 on booze and fags for the evening and get a lay I'd rather just chill at home and watch a movie.

It's pretty simple actually...

I also really don't like to share. So fuck casual relationships.

 

[thejackyl]

I can't really say.

My first relationship lasted about 2 years - It started out as us being friends who were attracted to each other, we went out a few times, started dating for real and once things got physical between us our relationship turned into nothing but a physical relationship. Needless to say, it was fun but left me feeling empty. We didn't hang out much apart from "Let's go out to eat, and than back home to 'Have fun' ". We never actually had sex, but hands went down pants.

My second relationship only lasted about a month, which ended about 4 days ago. I went in wanting to serious relationship and wanting to take things slow. Three days later we're in bed and I'm receiving oral, two days later we have sex for the first time. While it was fun, again the fact that she wasn't as serious about it as I was. Personally, I think she just wanted someone who showed affection during/after sex but not an actual relationship.

I think it's more that I can't separate the physical and emotional aspects of a relationship, so having a "fling" like my last relationship just ends up hurting everyone involved. And while it sounds like my first relationship was stable it really wasn't. We pretty much stayed together hoping we'd have the opportunity to have sex, and if that's all that's holding your relationship together it's not much of one.

I really wish I could meet a nice girl who doesn't so much fucking drama attached to them.

 

[gazumped]

My first relationship (he was my first kiss/sexytime/etc as well) lasted over two years and was my longest relationship so far so I can't say I went from casual ones to serious ones.

It's been said already, but it's not something you plan. If you ask someone out by asking them for a long-term relationship, they'll likely run a mile in the opposite direction. You start out relatively casual (I say relatively because many people aren't cool with the person they're seeing seeing other people) and then if you click and it works out well then it gets serious, automatically. It's not something that's decided, it just happens.

 

[Lynx]

Never been very interested in casual relationships. I'm a serial monogamist, if you will. Granted, my first boyfriend and I only lasted for two months, but we were fifteen, and to me it was serious.

Second one lasted 16 months, third lasted 9. After that I fooled around a bit and eventually got back with my puppy love sweetheart. We've been together now for 2 years and four months.

 

[thehorror2]

I've never dated casually. I wouldn't know how; all of my relationships either fizzled in a span of weeks or lasted for years. (Well, more than 12 months, anyway.)

 

[JemothSkarii]

My first relationship lasted about 7 months which I thuought was serious but turned out more casual, which immediately turned into one that lasted 3-4 years. That got me heartbroken for about 6 months (and still occasionally affects me) and now I'm in a relationship that has been going for about 7 months...

*looks at the date*

7 months today.

I don't date for funsies, I look for a life partner if I choose to date someone....kinda picky but at the same time uninteresting to most people.

 

[Artemis923]

Worry about those serious things when you're older is what I say. I've wasted seven years on two serious relationships that didn't work out. If you try them at too young an age, they are bound to fail since you and your partner will both go through some drastic changes in how you do things.

That's just my experience. Now, instead of me desiring to be in a long lasting relationship with one lady, I have multiple ladies that I can take out and have a good time but not have to wade through all the shit while doing it.

 

[clayschuldt]

The complete inability to start a casual relationship was my number one reason. Not everyone has the raw sex appeal to pull off the casual relationship.

 

[SpecFour20]

Well. Iv been in what one could call a serious relationship for a while. talking positively about the future house, marriage, and children. Everything was perfect about her. In the first month she literally didnt do anything i didnt like. then all of a sudden she changes, talks less, turns away more, and wont hold my eyes after a kiss. I knew the end was coming and 2 days later, i brought it up. She told me she didnt really want to do any of it anymore.

I'v never been one to make a woman do something she doesn't want to do so i let her go. Shortly thereafter we have a GREAT time on the beach as friends. Everytime i look into her eyes i see emotions that she wont convey. I dont get it at this point.

So im fishing for opinions here. Maybe she just wants to take it slower? Maybe shes confuzed? Maybe she wanted to be able to have a one night stand at the Bad Religion concert? At this point, not knowing why is far far worse than not having a "girlfriend"

 

[Jadak]

It was never really an active decision...

There's just this girl I sleep with, whom I would like to continue having sex with, whom I get the feeling would rather I not be fucking others.

 

[ChippedShoulder]

Never ever had a casual relationship, I'm still with my first girlfriend and hope to stay that way