Sexless Relationship?

[Saviordd1]

So I've been dating this girl for about 3 months now, and shes incredible and I'm loving every moment of our relationship.

Except the lack of anything sexual.

Minus one night where we got a bit heated we haven't done anything sexual at all.

And I brought this up today and we got into a fight, her telling me that it shouldn't just be about sex and that I should be better than that and what not. We were fine by the end of the night.

But the more I think about it and what signals shes sending the more it seems like sex is moving further and further away from our relationship. And while I hate to be that guy I do kind of want to have sex, to me its sort of important.

So what do I do? I don't want to break up with her over this but I can't confront her about it as she gets offended. So I'm lost.

 

[FieryTrainwreck]

How old are you guys?

Assuming you're both legal adults, there's nothing wrong with wanting to have sex - just as there's nothing wrong with not wanting to have sex. But two people who fall on opposite sides of this particular fence probably shouldn't be in a romantic relationship together. You'll pressure her for sex, she'll resent it, you'll hold back and resent her, and so forth. Physical compatibility matters, and you guys aren't on the same page.

You can try to get on the same page, and that will involve talking. Don't confront her, as you put it, but definitely engage her in conversation about this. Is there some reason why she doesn't want to have sex? Is it purely a lack of interest? Is she worried you'll use her for sex and then leave? Is she religious or traditional? Asexual? Not attracted to you? Did she suffer some trauma? Don't grill her like I have here. Just let her know you want to have sex, you want to have it with her, and you'd like to know if there is a reason why that can't happen.

 

[Batou667]

And I brought this up today and we got into a fight, her telling me that it shouldn't just be about sex and that I should be better than that and what not. We were fine by the end of the night.

Typical non-logic there: 3 months with no sex, you ask for sex once, and suddenly it's "JUST about sex"... jeeze.

Anyway, I agree with the other posters in this thread. Maybe a sexless relationship is right for some people, but if that's not what your expectation of a relationship is, then it's by no means unreasonable or shallow to end things. For some reason some people see romance as good and virtuous but sex as base and shameful, when of course they're two sides of the same coin.

Maybe there's some important reason this girl wants to keep things non-physical. Maybe it's purely down to her personal philosophy and morality. The best you can do is be honest with her in the hopes she'll be honest with you in return. Explain your position: physical affection is an important part of a relationship for you, you're at the stage where you consider your relationship serious, you want to fully demonstrate your feelings for her, but if she doesn't return those feelings for you then please could she tell you sooner rather than later because you're putting your feelings on the line. Something along those lines anyway.

If it turns out you don't have compatible libidos then that could well be a reason to end the relationship. Perhaps she'd be willing to stay friends; it doesn't necessarily have to be a final bitter farewell. Some couples make good friends but bad lovers, and vice-versa.

Good luck and be true to yourself.

 

[EeveeElectro]

Some women don't like sex for physiological or physical reasons. Some simply lack a sex drive.
Sometimes I'm just not in the mood for sex and I feel awful about it, I think talking about it would have just made her feel worse.
It does depend on how you word yourself. Saying, "Hey, we never do anything sexual" is a pretty poor move. If she's like me, she'll be aware of that and you pointing it out won't help matters.

Have you tried asking why? Has she had a bad experience in the past? Is she asexual? Perhaps only after 3 months she doesn't trust you enough to sleep with you. I waited 4 months until I had sex with my first serious boyfriend (now I wait like... 4 minutes LOL) because it takes time for some people to give themselves to a person. If she's a virgin, even more so.

Things like the pill can affect your sex drive, bare that in mind too.

If still nothing comes of it, you will have to decide how important sex is to you. If you like this girl enough to be in a sexless relationship, by all means continue.
If sex is something you need, then you both want different things from this relationship and it's probably best to move on.

 

[Saviordd1]

-snip-

We're both college freshmen, shes 19 and I'm 18.

It hasn't gotten so far as resentment but I fear you might be right and it could get there, like I said she was pretty miffed about me bringing it up.

And according to her she "Just doesn't quite get penises" thats her reason, not sure how valid that really is.

-snip-

You're probably right, I'm gonna give it a least a little longer before I make that sort of call but if sex is completely out of equation for us I don't think it'll work.

-snip-

Thing all of my ex's tend to become my enemy, sometimes that's my fault and sometimes it's theirs but its a very consistent pattern.

If still nothing comes of it, you will have to decide how important sex is to you. If you like this girl enough to be in a sexless relationship, by all means continue.
If sex is something you need, then you both want different things from this relationship and it's probably best to move on.

I feel like I could like her enough for that, but at the sametime I'm still a young guy. Maybe I'm still in the honeymoon phase I'm not sure.

 

[Vegosiux]

I feel like I could like her enough for that, but at the sametime I'm still a young guy. Maybe I'm still in the honeymoon phase I'm not sure.

You should think a little less about what you are and a little more about who you are. I mean, "I'm still a young guy", that's not really important, what's important is what you want. No use hiding behind the "young guy" thing as in, "of course I want sex, all young guys want sex". You don't want sex because young guys want sex, you want sex because you want sex.

And there's nothing bad about wanting sex. It's just that if your girlfriend doesn't seem to be willing to participate, you two either need to talk this through, calmly, like rational adults, or, if your interests in a relationship differ too much, go your separate ways. Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't. But you two need to clear this up between yourselves.

It's not you against her on this. It's both of you against the issue. Tackle it.

 

[Bernzz]

And according to her she "Just doesn't quite get penises" thats her reason, not sure how valid that really is.

Neither did my ex at first, but she was happy enough to figure them out, even if she did have a fairly low sex drive.

I think you need to properly talk about this. Search for a way to bring it up with her that won't make her mad, or sound accusatory. She could be insecure about her body, or how she may 'perform', or many other reasons.

She might also not be that into it, and if you are...that situation will get worse as time goes on, and it'll lead to resentment. Trust me on that one, I've been there.

Just remember that you're not bad or a douche or anything for wanting sex in a relationship, and she's not necessarily bad for not wanting it. It's definitely something you two need to have a proper discussion about, though.

 

[manic_depressive13]

There's nothing wrong with wanting sex from a relationship and it's pretty appalling that your partner would try to guilt you for inquiring. She needs to be upfront with you. If she doesn't want sex, if she's waiting until she's more comfortable with you, if she wants to wait until marriage, she needs to tell you. Refusing to talk about it and getting mad at you just for asking is plain unfair.

 

[Saviordd1]

-snip-

Well whenever I try to bring it up in a neutral fashion (As best as I can) she basically just says "I need time".

-snip-

Yeah from this thread I'm seeing I sort of got duped emotionally.

 

[mecegirl]

So I've been dating this girl for about 3 months now, and shes incredible and I'm loving every moment of our relationship.

Except the lack of anything sexual.

Minus one night where we got a bit heated we haven't done anything sexual at all.

And I brought this up today and we got into a fight, her telling me that it shouldn't just be about sex and that I should be better than that and what not. We were fine by the end of the night.

But the more I think about it and what signals shes sending the more it seems like sex is moving further and further away from our relationship. And while I hate to be that guy I do kind of want to have sex, to me its sort of important.

So what do I do? I don't want to break up with her over this but I can't confront her about it as she gets offended. So I'm lost.

It kinda sounds like she either has little experience with sex or has had bad experiences with sex. Which at your ages it wouldn't be surprising if she had sex in high school and it flat out sucked. All you can really do is talk to her about it. Even if she gets offended by the conversation, you just need to talk to her about it. Just try to not make accusations and be open and honest about your feelings.

And I would try suggesting to her that you two try other activities to warm up first. There is no point in going from 0 to full on sexual intercourse if she so skittish about it. You said that things got a bit heated once, try keeping it at that level with the promise that nothing more will happen. You might be pleasantly surprised at how soon she decides to push things a little further.

 

[Saviordd1]

So I've been dating this girl for about 3 months now, and shes incredible and I'm loving every moment of our relationship.

Except the lack of anything sexual.

Minus one night where we got a bit heated we haven't done anything sexual at all.

And I brought this up today and we got into a fight, her telling me that it shouldn't just be about sex and that I should be better than that and what not. We were fine by the end of the night.

But the more I think about it and what signals shes sending the more it seems like sex is moving further and further away from our relationship. And while I hate to be that guy I do kind of want to have sex, to me its sort of important.

So what do I do? I don't want to break up with her over this but I can't confront her about it as she gets offended. So I'm lost.

It kinda sounds like she either has little experience with sex or has had bad experiences with sex. Which at your ages it wouldn't be surprising if she had sex in high school and it flat out sucked. All you can really do is talk to her about it. Even if she gets offended by the conversation, you just need to talk to her about it. Just try to not make accusations and be open and honest about your feelings.

And I would try suggesting to her that you two try other activities to warm up first. There is no point in going from 0 to full on sexual intercourse if she so skittish about it. You said that things got a bit heated once, try keeping it at that level with the promise that nothing more will happen. You might be pleasantly surprised at how soon she decides to push things a little further.

Well thats the thing, she doesn't even want to do what we did. We went from 3rd base (Depending on your definition of bases) to just making out occasionally.

 

[mecegirl]

Well thats the thing, she doesn't even want to do what we did. We went from 3rd base (Depending on your definition of bases) to just making out occasionally.

Did you notice that change before or after you tried to talk to her about sex that first time? Because if it was before she may have been spooked after that first 3rd base experience. So she may have been intentionally holding back because she isn't (for whatever reason)ready to have sex with you, and she didn't want to get you both riled up if she was only planning to back down later. Which is pretty smart on her part with the exception of not talking to you about it. That should have been a decision that you made together, but I understand the logic of resisting temptation if it wouldn't lead to anything.

So perhaps talking to her about it and ensuring her that you won't push it beyond 3rd base (or 2nd base whatever works for the two of you) will get her to relax and trust you. You don't know her sexual history, so you don't know if she was with a guy who didn't handle cooling down after 3rd base well. Opening up to her about your past sexual experiences and encouraging her to open up to you may help you to understand why she's so hesitant. If she just doesn't want sex to be a part of the relationship then you may need to part ways. But if it turns out that she had a negative sexual experience,or if she hasn't had sex before, you will have to ask yourself if you want to be patient enough to see her through it.

 

[Saviordd1]

Well thats the thing, she doesn't even want to do what we did. We went from 3rd base (Depending on your definition of bases) to just making out occasionally.

Did you notice that change before or after you tried to talk to her about sex that first time? Because if it was before she may have been spooked after that first 3rd base experience. So she may have been intentionally holding back because she isn't (for whatever reason)ready to have sex with you, and she didn't want to get you both riled up if she was only planning to back down later. Which is pretty smart on her part with the exception of not talking to you about it. That should have been a decision that you made together, but I understand the logic of resisting temptation if it wouldn't lead to anything.

So perhaps talking to her about it and ensuring her that you won't push it beyond 3rd base (or 2nd base whatever works for the two of you) will get her to relax and trust you. You don't know her sexual history, so you don't know if she was with a guy who didn't handle cooling down after 3rd base well. Opening up to her about your past sexual experiences and encouraging her to open up to you may help you to understand why she's so hesitant. If she just doesn't want sex to be a part of the relationship then you may need to part ways. But if it turns out that she had a negative sexual experience,or if she hasn't had sex before, you will have to ask yourself if you want to be patient enough to see her through it.

Actually we went on a two week break and part of the reason (As she's recently told me) is because she was terrified about how fast we were going, but then when I tried to bring it up again I got the reaction as told in the OP.

 

[mecegirl]

Actually we went on a two week break and part of the reason (As she's recently told me) is because she was terrified about how fast we were going, but then when I tried to bring it up again I got the reaction as told in the OP.

I see. That sounds about right, the missing piece is why she was so terrified and unfortunately she may not even know that. It sucks, but if you want this to work you will have to be the mature one. Otherwise things will continue on this way and you will continue to be in the dark about her motivations.

 

[Saviordd1]

Actually we went on a two week break and part of the reason (As she's recently told me) is because she was terrified about how fast we were going, but then when I tried to bring it up again I got the reaction as told in the OP.

I see. That sounds about right, the missing piece is why she was so terrified and unfortunately she may not even know that. It sucks, but if you want this to work you will have to be the mature one. Otherwise things will continue on this way and you will continue to be in the dark about her motivations.

Yeah you're right.

Thanks though

 

[sanquin]

I don't get guys that 'demand' sex after a month of dating. But after 3 months it's perfectly reasonable to want to at least be more intimate than making out. It does sound like she's scared of going further. Sounds like this would be her first time too. So it could be even more nerve wracking.

So far everything's fine, but now comes the problem that a lot of young couples seem to have. Whether it is the fault of both sides or one side is different per couple. In this case, it seems to be her fault. The problem is that if you're scared of such a thing, you should talk about it. Even just admitting you're scared or anxious can help a lot, both for yourself and your partner. But she's apparently unable to do so, for some reason. Which I can understand, as making yourself so vulnerable in front of anyone can be very difficult.

It all comes down to this. Are you willing to wait for her longer, or do you think this relationship is going a bit -too- slow for you? And if you do break up with her, don't tell her you do so because she wouldn't 'put out' sort of speaking. But because she didn't trust you enough to at least calmly talk about it.

Hope that made sense. My thoughts are a mess sometimes.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

There's no reason why you shouldn't be able to discuss sex like grown ups. Maybe your girlfriend is overreacting a bit when she says "not everytihng should be about sex", considering you've spent the entirety of your relationship without getting any. It's perfectly normal and perfectly healthy to want sex and to have it. If she can't even have a mature discussion about it I don't know what to tell you.

 

[BakedSardine]

You should simply ask her where she thinks sex fits in a relationship? It's perfectly possible she is a virgin and uncomfortable with the topic because she has no experience and would rather shut down any action that deal with it in an open manner.

 

[Musette]

Well, this is actually a type of thread I tend to see in asexuality forums, usually told by the person who doesn't want sex, though there's the occasional thread made from the other perspective. (I'm not making assumptions about your partner's orientation though, because orientation alone only says so much about attitudes towards sex and vice-versa.) While I can't claim to have much personal experience in this matter, I would guess that the most important thing is just to have an open and honest conversation about sex. A lot of the time, the people who talk about their partner wanting more sex than they do might be bitter because they don't associate it very strongly with any sort of the emotional intimacy that they want and/or don't believe that their partners feel that way. I'm sure I'm stating the obvious, but sexual compatibility is an important part of any romantic relationship, regardless how much sex is actually involved. There's no way to know your partner's perspective with certainty unless she discusses it with you. Her reaction when you mentioned sex sounds rather strong, so I presume there is some reason for it, and that may act as a roadblock when trying to communicate about sex, especially since it involved shutting down a potential conversation on the topic. Personally, I think it's unrealistic to ask someone who highly values sex to be in a sexless relationship for the partner's, the same way I think it's unrealistic to ask someone who isn't very interested to have sex 20 times a week. Sometimes, that difference in interest can be solved by simple compromise, but I don't consider it shallow to break up with someone over sexual incompatibility. I hope it doesn't come to that, since you seem happy with your partner otherwise. Either way, I wish you luck, and I hope everything works out!

 

[Vegosiux]

-snip-

While I do, in general, agree with what you wrote, I just need to make sure; you're not conflating sex and intimacy, I hope?