Sexless Relationship?

[Musette]

-snip-

While I do, in general, agree with what you wrote, I just need to make sure; you're not conflating sex and intimacy, I hope?

I would hope it doesn't sound like I am! I definitely think there's a distinction between the two. I guess I was just focusing on sex as an expression of intimacy, since some perceive it that way more than others. Since the OP mentioned that his partner made statement that the relationship shouldn't just be about sex, I figured it would be worth making a point that sex in a relationship doesn't "have to just be about sex", because for some people, sex can be perceived as an act of romance as well. To be honest, I see so many forum topics online that are pretty much the inverse of this thread here, and so many people react poorly that I often feel like I need to remind them that sex in a relationship can sometimes be an expression of romantic intimacy as well.

I have definitely seen my fair share of discussions of intimacy online, so I would like to think that I'm aware that intimacy can be expressed in quite a few different ways, be it forms of physical intimacy or emotional intimacy (or a combination of the two). Sorry if I came off otherwise!

 

[Ratty]

Instead of talking just about sex, it sounds like you should talk about exactly what your relationship is. How long do you plan to be together? It could be this girl is afraid you've been chasing her for a booty call, and it could be that she's traditional so doesn't want to give her virginity to someone she doesn't know is "the one". Do you think she's "the one"? Do you think she might spend the rest of her life with you/you might like to spend the rest of your life with her?

Also her "don't quite understand penises" comment tells me she might not be quite sure of her own sexuality or gender identity right now. If you love her, be supportive and be there for her whatever she decides to do. If you don't love her, have the decency to tell her so. I hate to say it but the worst thing that could be causing this is that she may have been abused at some point and just has trouble with thoughts of intimacy as a result, but if this is the case she can tell you when she wants, or she might not tell you. But I don't think you should ask.
Take things slow and talk to her more. Don't be a pressuring douchenozzel but if you expect different things out of the relationship then there's nothing wrong with breaking it off. It's a cliche but it's true that any good relationship has to be built on communication and trust, without those you have nothing.

 

[Tsukuyomi]

Speaking as someone who had a multi-year relationship with no sex involved, I understand how frustrated you must be, OP. But being blunt with her seems like...really not the way to go. Sitting down and talking openly will likely help, but if she acts like she did in your example it may just cause her to panic and shut down or push you away, so I'd be careful on that front.

Ultimately...well, from your story I'm seeing a lot of different things. Some of these things are slight generalizations and I apologize for making them but as I've worked with more and more people around your age I find them to be true probably 75% of the time, so I'm not saying you guys ARE in these situations, I'm simply throwing them in as possibilities. Maybe even strong possibilities.

Being 18, 19 years old there's a lot of changes in life. For the first time you're an adult. You've got a lot of stuff that suddenly you're on your own for. Bills, Education, there's just generally a greater level of agency for you at that time. All of a sudden you're free after 17 years of having people making decisions for you. Some people embrace that and love it to bits. Some people (like myself), find it terrifying because suddenly the full weight of the world and even the mundane things of our own lives are on us and we may feel like we're not prepared for that. Add College onto that and I'm sure many people are very confused. Not only do you have the full spectrum of life suddenly in your face but now even the one constant that you had before, school, has changed. Depending on where you go, teachers don't care if you come to class or not, you make your own decisions for when and where to go to class, you make your own decisions on what to take, how to do things, much more of schooling is put on you now. Add on to that the traditional stereotypes of college and things get even MORE interesting/terrifying.

I don't wanna say that you guys are young, but...you're young. It sounds like she's unsure of herself, and as a relatively freshly-minted adult she's likely adjusting to a lot of things. Not everyone hits 18 and goes into the Party Phase (lord knows I didn't) that seems to last until about 24, 25.

Talking with her is probably a good start, as is observation: take stock of what you know about her and her behavior. The way she acts about other things may grant you clues into why she's acting this way about sex, as may anything she might have told you before such as religious affiliation, home or family life, personal values, etc. Obviously I'm not saying stalk her, but just pay some attention when you're hanging out together and examine the past times you've spent together and see if patterns come up. insecurity, trying to figure out her sexuality, anything of course is possible, but you may find some breadcrumbs to the reason simply by being observant. Not saying you should try to have her all figured out since the only person who can ever really know you 100% is you, but if you have a few pieces of insight, they might help you and her if you can get into an open, honest conversation.

I'd think the goal would be to, hopefully through trust and non-sexual intimacy/comfort with eachother, to be able to broach the topic in a way and time and place that allows her to be comfortable with talking about it. The goal is also to determine if that can ever happen BEFORE you try it.

 

[Flutterguy]

Sex is part and parcel to a healthy relationship. Likely she does not understand that and you will have to coerce her into understanding. If this is the case, she is essentially living chosen mediocrity for both of you.

Or more likely she is quite insecure and you need to get her over whatever past trauma led her to this. Be warned though she could be hiding something quite dark in her past. Or she bought into the false reality displayed in media and is trying to live life to unachievable standards which actually do not make happier people even when achieved. Regardless of sex being a goal or not making your loved one comfortable with themselves is a very noble thing.