Sexual Guilt

nuttshell

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Aug 11, 2013
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She gave you head and you flew? OP, you are now moraly obligated to give her tongue!

After a climax, the male usually loses interest and is easily distracted. After all, there could be predators lurking in the bushes (ain't I funny?). Try to explain yourself to her, if you can. If being disillusioned gives you such a bad time, you could try and get to know her a bit better to learn of her loveable side, allthough after saying, you just want to be friends, this could turn out to be a bit hard.

I'd say, yeah, you are a bit of an ass but sex is something that can be very confusing in the beginning. At least you know you are confused and didn't do the right thing.

As for personal experience, I was extremely dissappointed in sex in the beginning. But I still had time to experiment and after a while, me and my partner got better at it. But it can be a bothersome process. You also have to talk about it with your partner and that can be very awkward.
 

DanielBrown

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Dec 3, 2010
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Since you're not used to sex it's very understandable that you freaked out due to her being so straight forward. It's quite assholeish to bail after cumming though. You could've mentioned your virginity, but that might've turned her off or gotten her to try even harder. If you're intrested in seeing her again I think it would be best if you told her.
However, as others have said, oral sex isn't the same as having sex.

My first time wasn't much fun either. I was 13 or 14 years old, the girl was a few years older. I was really, really bad and she did the dead fish routine. The first time is supposed to awkward and bad. If someone didn't experience that I'd say they're the lucky minority.
 

s0p0g

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Aug 24, 2009
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i never really was in a situation like that, because i know myself well enough to know i don't hop onto a woman the day i meet her (as i'd really regret it; it just isn't for me).
that being said, my first time was as it "should" be (for *me* of course, hence the ""; to each their own :) ); first get into a relationship, then get to bed, then have THE awkward first time

with that out of the way... i get why you feel a bit awkward (although you kind of could have seen the whole thing coming; a call in the middle of the night from a girl who grabbed your crownjewels earlier that day, under the pretence of a forgotten inhaler? that's a cliché in itself ^^ ), although you don't need to feel bad (as in having done something morally completely wrong) in any way - she's certainly done that before (sounds a tiny bit easy, this young woman), she initiated the entire thing, and although at first you were taken by surprise - and for that time it was consensual, you decided to say no after a while, which is your right.
more importantly: as you didn't wait for getting your share (if i understood you correctly) and then bail out, leaving her hanging, you don't have a case of nail & bail here. hell, you could've jumped onto each other, and as long as both of you had a good time all would've been fine (from that point of view), even if *you* might regret it afterwards - one night stands and/or casual sex aren't for everyone.

so, long story short: at the end no harm's done, you learned a lesson about yourself, move on, gather more experiences, keep maturing - and welcome to the world of young adults; no, it's not all sunshine and rainbows, but the ups and downs are both worth it :)
 

Mutant150

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Jan 4, 2012
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You did nothing wrong and you did not take advantage of this girl. Drop the angst, because it's a waste of emotional energy and utterly self-indulgent. Consider this a missed opportunity because she clearly wanted it more than you did. There really is no point in over-complicating something that is so simple, so pleasurable and so freely-given as casual sex. Next time, just go with it and try to have fun.
 

NoeL

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May 14, 2011
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Mossberg Shotty said:
I'm a fairly conservative guy
That's pretty much all I need to know. I'm assuming you were also raised in a conservative (and likely religious) household, possibly also in a conservative neighbourhood. You were likely brought up with the belief that sexual expression/enjoyment is shameful/sinful (perhaps not stated outright but certainly implied) and so had absolutely no idea how to react when you were eventually faced with the reality of it.

Long story short, blame your parents. :p
 

sky14kemea

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Jun 26, 2008
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Moved to the Advice Forum, I think people will be a bit more civil in here.

I'd think you're still a virgin, if you only got oral sex. (Gratz, btw, even if you do feel guilty =P)

To be honest, you obviously don't know all that much about her yet, you've only known her a few days. I think you did the right thing by not taking advantage of her. For all you know, she could be having personal problems and wants to distract herself with sex. (I dunno, I'm just guessing. She probably isn't and I'm just as innocent as you).

Either way, if you don't want to rush into that kind of thing, then don't. It's your decision to make, no one elses. =]
 

PatrickXD

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Aug 13, 2009
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Eh, the only times I ever feel guilty about some sexual escapade is when I wake up too drunk to remember it having even happened - because that's when mistakes are made.
So, you're uncomfortable with sex outside of a relationship. That's totally fine - but you didn't rape anyone here. After a bit of thought you realised you're not into the idea, but it was consensual going in. That goes for both of you. That girl invited you , you both made out on her bed. This is a pretty mutual scenario, which she had an awful lot of control over. You got nervous, you decided you didn't want it. Want some advice? It's okay to say no. No matter how far you get with someone, at any point, you're allowed to be honest and back out of a situation that you're not comfortable with. The only reason she'd be upset is because she just got friendzoned, not because you took advantage of her - you didn't.
You feel guilty, but you've not done a thing wrong.
Also, in my book, you still only got to third base.

To answer the discussion questions, my first time was outside of a relationship, a few days after meeting the girl. We dated for a couple months after that but it was mostly just sex. And neither of us regret that happening.
 

sky14kemea

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Jun 26, 2008
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Spot1990 said:
sky14kemea said:
For all you know, she could be having personal problems and wants to distract herself with sex. (I dunno, I'm just guessing. She probably isn't and I'm just as innocent as you).
Or she just enjoys having sex like lots of women do (shock horror some actually love giving blowjobs too). I wouldn't start worrying about mental health issues just yet. and I'm sure it wasn't your intent but be careful because it's coming dangerously close to "A girl enjoys sex? There must be something wrong with her."
Y'know, I'm glad you called me out on that, because that's a really good point. :/

I might've been pushing my own insecurities with my comment, when the answer is probably a lot more simple, a.k.a she just enjoys having sex.

I need to learn to stop jumping to the worst case scenarios. =P
 

wulf3n

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Mar 12, 2012
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Nail and bail, haha that's a good one. But on a serious note, she forced herself on you and you feel guilty. Really?

Imagine if the roles were reversed, you forced it on her do you think she should have to feel sorry?

If I was her I'd be kind of insulted, not because you weren't interested, but because you felt she wasn't of rational mind to make a conscious decision, that you took advantage of her.
 

wulf3n

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Mar 12, 2012
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Spot1990 said:
wulf3n said:
Nail and bail, haha that's a good one. But on a serious note, she forced herself on you and you feel guilty. Really?

Imagine if the roles were reversed, you forced it on her do you think she should have to feel sorry?

If I was her I'd be kind of insulted, not because you weren't interested, but because you felt she wasn't of rational mind to make a conscious decision, that you took advantage of her.
Threw herself at him? Yes. Forced herself on him? No. If they were making out he was at least interested, she proceeded to escalate and he was free to stop it anytime he wanted, he did not. It'd be forcing herself if it was against his will, which it was not.
Kinda picking at nits there :p

So "forced" wasn't the best word. How about coerced?

edit: Also given the "crotch grabbing" at the beginning of the story, I could argue that forced may have been the appropriate term from my perspective... but I wont :)
 

Lieju

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Jan 4, 2009
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I'm not sure if I'm misunderstanding here, but is your problem that things got a bit further than you thought they would? And you feel shame because you think you were misleading her?

Do you feel violated in any way?

As for sex, it's like anything else; you get better at it with experience, and if you and your partner know what each other likes.

And whether you're a virgin or not, depends on your definition. It's just a label and it's not like you're spoiled for marriage now.
 

nuttshell

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Aug 11, 2013
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Y'know, I'm glad you called me out on that...
I might've been pushing my own insecurities with my comment...
I need to learn...
Here is the ultimate proof, that Moderators aren't real people! :D
Seriously, it is very nice to see a person do this on an internet forum even if (and also because) that person is a Mod.
 

teisjm

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Mar 3, 2009
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Honestly, if you didn't somehow make a direct promise of forming a relationship, and that was the reason for sex, you shouldn't feel guilty.
She's fully capable of handling her own emotions, and if she wanted to have sex with you, theres no shame in liking that part without wanting more.
If she only wanted to have sex based on the idea that it'd lead to a relatoinship, she should've just waited till she was in a relationship.

Don't treat sex as something women do in order to achieve something from you.
Don't act like you owe anyone something just because you had sex with them (appart from putting effort into making
them enjoy it as well while you're at it ofc :p)

If you really wanna bash your head against a wall for something, do it for not acting like a gentleman and not offering her some oral sex in return.

Don't take this too hard, i know the fell myself, and have been in situations somewhat like yours.

If it helps you, think about it this way:
If you like a girl, and ends up having sex with her, only for her to leave afterwards, not wanting a relationship, you'd still probably be like, "well, at least i had some nice sex with her"
just because you can't have the full menu, doesn't mean you can't appreciate the starter.
 

EeveeElectro

Cats.
Aug 3, 2008
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OMGz! FRIENDZONE! It can happen to gurls!?

On a serious note, if I see it from her point of view if a guy crawled into my window at night I'd assume he was up for it.
It seemed to be her plan to get you there and you went with it, I can't blame her for wanting more.
IMO, you should have said, "Okay thanks, can you hold onto it and I'll come and collect it in the morning?" then gone to her front door, taken your thing and left unless you wanted to stay for a chat.

I don't know many guys who would turn down sex, so I wouldn't feel bad. I've even had guys fake interest in me to get a bit of sex but you seem like a genuinely nice guy and didn't want that. Crawling through her window wasn't a smart move because it would make me think you were interested. She was coming onto you and you sounded pretty taken aback so like I said, don't feel guilty over it.

Don't crawl through any more girls bedroom windows unless you are interested and it might be a good idea to not see this girl again for a while. Make sure she knows where you both stand in this situation.
 

Mossberg Shotty

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Jan 12, 2013
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Spot1990 said:
Threw herself at him? Yes. Forced herself on him? No. If they were making out he was at least interested, she proceeded to escalate and he was free to stop it anytime he wanted, he did not. It'd be forcing herself if it was against his will, which it was not.
A fair point. The issue here, at least for me, was my emotional response, not whether or not everything was consensual, because it was.
Lieju said:
I'm not sure if I'm misunderstanding here, but is your problem that things got a bit further than you thought they would?
I guess that's at least part of it. Kinda threw me for a loop, but I wasn't like completely shocked or anything.



Lieju said:
Do you feel violated in any way?
No, violated isn't the right word. More like cheap. I'm not opposed to sex, but I at least expected it would be with someone I was close to, and not somebody I hadn't even known for 24 hours. But I guess that's just a pitfall of being impulsive.

Lieju said:
As for sex, it's like anything else; you get better at it with experience, and if you and your partner know what each other likes.
I appreciate the sentiment, but my performance isn't really the point of concern. I mean, I think I did just fine, it would be kind of hard to mess up really.