Shot, tired, feeling dead inside?

[Snotnarok]

Hi guys, I'm Mike.
I'm in a bit of a rough patch, especially as of late, I'm still up from yesterday as I had to take care of some issues with which I'd like to talk about a bit here.

I've been up for 36 hours so forgive me if this is a bit lackluster in coherency, and I urge you if you're having a depressing week, don't read this.

My mom has been diagnosed with a progressive mental disability that's terminal, been taking care of her at the house with my brother and dad for the past 6 or so years. My sister comes in from across the country every so often to visit/help and my aunt drives over and can sometimes help when she isn't agonizing over the situation ...on my shoulder with tears. It's gotten really bad recently we fought for 3 years to get an aid in here to help as we were refused coverage as the disease is both a rare form of a rare disease (progressive asphasia <=likely spelled wrong) but we recently got access to help for that in a limited capacity.

Basically the brain is atrophying, so she lost her math abilities, art abilities, we started noticing things were wrong and flash forward years later we're taking care of her in every way, she can't speak, understand she wanders the house aimlessly, she's nearly flooded the house, she can't really do much of anything and we've had to install a lock on the inside of the house so she doesn't wander off and get lost.

That's of course not the only thing going wrong, earlier this year my brother came home, was fine then suddenly was stumbling, wouldn't let anyone near him and he was falling over, apparently someone drugged him at a bar (he doesn't do drugs before you ask). Short ambulance ride later he's being held down by police officers in 4 point restraint freaking out, hours later he had no idea what happened and the hospital released him and didn't even test for the kind of drugs that would be slipped into a drink. What a wonderful waste of time and a catscan.

Recently it's gotten worse with my mom, she had a seizure and wound up in the hospital a month after my brother and that was a load of trouble as no one there understood the disease so it was hours of waiting and explaining, topped off by us having to wait an extra day so the psychologist could talk with her... figure that out (yes I'm aware it's probably some liability thing).

It's been super hard, I felt like the flimsiest crutch as my dad stumbled in the hospital hallway struggling not to burst out into tears as I held him up while we waited for answers for what was going on with my mom, brother wound up crying too, two people I've NEVER SEEN CRY both in my life, both in the same day.

Annnnnnnd just before New Years my grandma of 89 years old has been feeling ill and got checked out, turns out she may have cancer, this woman who I've come to call a robot has never needed any kind of notable medical care in her life. Her knee has acted up in her age but bowls, recently walked on a glacier while on a cruise. So today she left to have a biopsy and then surgery to remove the mass.
Prior to this I've been trying to keep her positive and she's been wearing me down saying things like "I'm just not ready to go yet" and "I'm so sorry, you guys have it rough enough" and it's already hard to say something to someone in such a dire situation so I looked her in the eyes told her to "Shut up, get your fists up because you're gonna fight this shit gram!" I'm sure that sounded brutal to someone but we have a darker sense of humor.

So she left today to get that stuff sorted ..hoping for the best here! My dad had to drive her so I was left to take care of my mom till the aid arrived, I come out and ...I had a very difficult mess to deal with that you'd ...'rather see in a toilet'.

That was a rough 3 hours of my brother and I trying to clean the house and sanitize it and keep my mom from walking in it, the aid wasn't able to clean her up as my mom sometimes gets in rough mood swings because of the illness and she'll fight...So my father literally had to drive back from the hospital to help deal with that. We're all worn and stressed out and help is just what we have between eachother, beyond my moms sister her family are a bunch of no-show cowards that couldn't stand being in the room with her for more than 15 minutes, the last party she was at they were basically all on the other side of the room while one of their wives and me stuck with mom while she 'talked' to us.
There was actually a party at my aunts house where many of the uncles wound up at a few days ago annnnnd not one of them visited, it's been nearly a year or more for some of them and they can't muster up the will to visit their terminally ill sister, let me tell you my hatred is in spades my friends.

It's at the point where I daydream about some big talk show host will swoop in and say "Shit dawg we heard shit was rough so we renovated yo' house, here's 25k and here's a Sega Genesis and Supah Nintendo to take the edge off. Then there's confetti and some cheers and tears then some awkward face to camera nonsense....And bacon.

Yes I'm aware this is a discussion forum and not a blog for me to whine, but we're all worn out here and stressed and I figure I could vent and maybe- -you guys maybe had something you wanted to talk about, or discuss that you could relate to this. Disabled family members, are you disabled?

Honestly, I considered not posting this, hell it's probably best to delete this, I've never enjoyed dropping any of my weight on anyones shoulders. As I said, I'm on ...well 37 hours no-sleep now and I'm entirely exhausted and beat...as is everyone else. So ... how's shit goin' with you guys?

 

[BloatedGuppy]

Yes I'm aware this is a discussion forum and not a blog for me to whine, but we're all worn out here and stressed and I figure I could vent and maybe- -you guys maybe had something you wanted to talk about, or discuss that you could relate to this.

It's all good, vent if you like. You're going to run into people who resent it/hate you for harshing their buzz/remind you this isn't LiveJournal, but really, fuck those guys.

I do wish I had something to tell you that would make you feel better about everything, but I don't. This is one of those times that life has cheerfully arranged to fuck you up the ass. I wish I could even tell you that this is the last time it'll happen, or the worst it'll ever be, and that things will definitely improve from here and be smooth sailing, but life is seldom ever fair. It's random, it's occasionally very cruel, and there are no prizes awaiting you for having a tough go of things. You just get to soldier through it.

In particular, what's happening to your mother is devastating. I have an Uncle with rapidly progressing dementia/alzheimers and I know from experience how emotionally traumatizing these degenerative brain disorders can be. I am very, very sorry. You and your family have all of my sympathy on that one.

The only thing I can do/suggest for you that is worth a damn is to tell you to get some sleep. Seriously, get some fucking sleep. Keep an eye on your nutrition, and get exercise when and where you can, and make sure you're sleeping. Like to game? Like to read? Find something you love to do, and use it to keep mentally stable. Why? Because your body is going to be red-lining stress right now and likely for the forseeable future, and you're going to be fighting off clinical depression if you're not already in the middle of one, and you absolutely need to be taking care of yourself, because from the sounds of it no one else on hand is going to have the life energy or resources to do it for you.

Odds are you will come out of this a more patient, more resilient, more compassionate person. Adversity is how we grow. That's not going to make the process any more enjoyable for you though. Here's hoping 2014 is a little kinder to you.

 

[Able Seacat]

I'm really sorry to hear all these things you're going through. It must be so hard. I'm afraid I can't offer much advice or help. Don't be afraid to ask for help though from anyone or I even just ask to talk it out once in a while. I wish you all the best.

 

[Eamar]

There's nothing I can really say except that I am so sorry for you, and I honestly wish you and your family all the luck in the world.

I'm not sure there's anything worse than watching someone deteriorate like that. By the time my grandfather died a few years ago he had alzheimers, anorexia and was an alcoholic on top of the rheumatoid arthritis that'd made his life hell for years, and it killed us to watch it all progress while we stood by helpless. He was also prone to getting confused/aggressive and fighting the people who were trying to help him. At least he was in his eighties though; I can't imagine what it must be like to see your mother go through this.

I don't know if I should try to give advice, but if it's at all possible do try to make a little time for yourself every now and again and do the things you enjoy. You certainly deserve it more than most.

 

[Snotnarok]

Yes I'm aware this is a discussion forum and not a blog for me to whine, but we're all worn out here and stressed and I figure I could vent and maybe- -you guys maybe had something you wanted to talk about, or discuss that you could relate to this.

It's all good, vent if you like. You're going to run into people who resent it/hate you for harshing their buzz/remind you this isn't LiveJournal, but really, fuck those guys.

I do wish I had something to tell you that would make you feel better about everything, but I don't. This is one of those times that life has cheerfully arranged to fuck you up the ass. I wish I could even tell you that this is the last time it'll happen, or the worst it'll ever be, and that things will definitely improve from here and be smooth sailing, but life is seldom ever fair. It's random, it's occasionally very cruel, and there are no prizes awaiting you for having a tough go of things. You just get to soldier through it.

In particular, what's happening to your mother is devastating. I have an Uncle with rapidly progressing dementia/alzheimers and I know from experience how emotionally traumatizing these degenerative brain disorders can be. I am very, very sorry. You and your family have all of my sympathy on that one.

The only thing I can do/suggest for you that is worth a damn is to tell you to get some sleep. Seriously, get some fucking sleep. Keep an eye on your nutrition, and get exercise when and where you can, and make sure you're sleeping. Like to game? Like to read? Find something you love to do, and use it to keep mentally stable. Why? Because your body is going to be red-lining stress right now and likely for the forseeable future, and you're going to be fighting off clinical depression if you're not already in the middle of one, and you absolutely need to be taking care of yourself, because from the sounds of it no one else on hand is going to have the life energy or resources to do it for you.

Odds are you will come out of this a more patient, more resilient, more compassionate person. Adversity is how we grow. That's not going to make the process any more enjoyable for you though. Here's hoping 2014 is a little kinder to you.

I honestly didn't expect anyone to respond to this, hah thanks.

Ohhhh yes I really do keep busy, I started a fun sci-fi webcomic, I've not given art up, never will (pry it from my cold dead hands!), I game, sleep as you suspected is of suspect quality and length depending on what goes on.

I'm terribly sorry about your uncle, my grandfather (my moms father) had alzhimers as well and she took care of him as best she and her sister could when he was put in a nursing home in the mid-late 90's and I was always brought down there as a kid. I never new the man as the illness had robbed him of everything personality/talking-wise by then but I have been gifted/damned with a really great memory for events so I remember his decline. That is something I wish on no one, or their families.

Thanks for the advice and kind words, what you say is true, we do look out for eachother but we can only do so much at the end of the day when we're all worn out. I really try hard not to talk about this nonsense as it's difficult for others to understand often and I'm simply not the person to make my problems other peoples problems- still grateful to hear someone at least understand for once.

To top this shit slide off, I was reminded via a gift on steam that my birthday is coming up on Sunday, I had totally forgotten, considering the circumstances it's not likely to be celebrated this year which, I'm fine with! I think there's much more important things like my gram getting out of surgery okay. The doctors were apparently shocked of both her age of 89 and her absolute lack of medical issues for the past 65+ years, but fingers crossed here, toes and eyes as well.


I'm grateful to those who read this, biggest thing I'd like to hear is that everyone doesn't ignore their loved ones, visit those you're not living with or around, or skype them, love the hell out of them! Give your moms a kiss and tell them "I love the shit out of you mom, you're awesome"

 

[Ragsnstitches]

I tried to think of something insightful or helpful... but there isn't anything I can add.

I hope writing all that out helped somewhat. I find doing such things helps arrange things in my head and at least etch out some order in the chaos. I also second Bloatedguppy's advice. As much as your family might need you, don't forget about yourself.

You have my sympathies, for what they are worth.

 

[Tzzimy]

I had the same situation with my grandmother. My younger brother, sister and I had to help our mother clean up her room. I do remember that once she glimpsed at my sister and she cried just for some seconds before she went back to aphasia state. We asked our uncle to help and after we had a heart-felt talk he and his family took care of her for some months. She died after 2 years at the age of 75.
My mother also has symptoms (she is 65) but nothing serious yet. I am thinking about it sometimes, just to have a feeling that I am pseudo-preparing myself when it comes. I am in an age after all that these things are normal to happen to me now.

You are doing something very difficult. You reach out, and I know how hard that is because I could not do that. It may not be the hand you can see or feel the time you need it the most. But it will be there. At all times. And you are taking care of yourself, doing your webcomic, art, you still live. And that is a miracle of its own, your mother wants that, when she would be able to tell you.
I hugged my mother and I told her what you said, she was laughing but when she saw I was serious she said "thank you".
Be strong, be loved, more, this new year.

 

[BanicRhys]

Damn it, this is not what I needed right now. I've been trying to wallow in self pity over what a lonely, miserable waste of spa... happy thoughts, happy thoughts... [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hskl2dTHYdk] anyway, now you come barging in, providing me with a fresh perspective.

That was a rough 3 hours of my brother and I trying to clean the house and sanitize it and keep my mom from walking in it, the aid wasn't able to clean her up as my mom sometimes gets in rough mood swings because of the illness and she'll fight...So my father literally had to drive back from the hospital to help deal with that. We're all worn and stressed out and help is just what we have between eachother, beyond my moms sister her family are a bunch of no-show cowards that couldn't stand being in the room with her for more than 15 minutes, the last party she was at they were basically all on the other side of the room while one of their wives and me stuck with mom while she 'talked' to us.
There was actually a party at my aunts house where many of the uncles wound up at a few days ago annnnnd not one of them visited, it's been nearly a year or more for some of them and they can't muster up the will to visit their terminally ill sister, let me tell you my hatred is in spades my friends.

In their defense, it can be really hard to see someone you care about while they're in that state.

My grandfather recently had a stroke, they say he should eventually return to his normal self but right now, he's really quiet, unsteady and confused. For a while, I avoided seeing him in this state because, whether he recovered or died, I didn't want to taint my memories of him with ones of him in that state.

I've since visited for a bit to help my grandmother look out for him, but I still kind of regret seeing him like that.

 

[Snotnarok]

Damn it, this is not what I needed right now. I've been trying to wallow in self pity over what a lonely, miserable waste of spa... happy thoughts, happy thoughts... [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hskl2dTHYdk] anyway, now you come barging in, providing me with a fresh perspective.

That was a rough 3 hours of my brother and I trying to clean the house and sanitize it and keep my mom from walking in it, the aid wasn't able to clean her up as my mom sometimes gets in rough mood swings because of the illness and she'll fight...So my father literally had to drive back from the hospital to help deal with that. We're all worn and stressed out and help is just what we have between eachother, beyond my moms sister her family are a bunch of no-show cowards that couldn't stand being in the room with her for more than 15 minutes, the last party she was at they were basically all on the other side of the room while one of their wives and me stuck with mom while she 'talked' to us.
There was actually a party at my aunts house where many of the uncles wound up at a few days ago annnnnd not one of them visited, it's been nearly a year or more for some of them and they can't muster up the will to visit their terminally ill sister, let me tell you my hatred is in spades my friends.

In their defense, it can be really hard to see someone you care about while they're in that state.

My grandfather recently had a stroke, they say he should eventually return to his normal self but right now, he's really quiet, unsteady and confused. For a while, I avoided seeing him in this state because, whether he recovered or died, I didn't want to taint my memories of him with ones of him in that state.

I've since visited for a bit to help my grandmother look out for him, but I still kind of regret seeing him like that.

I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather, I can understand it's a difficult thing but in my eyes it's better to help and make the person happy, I think it'd be hard to deal with things after the fact knowing you avoided the person intentionally.

With her family it's been nothing but selfishness and greed, when their grandmother was dying my father (unrelated to her) wanted to put her in a nicer nursing home, they were infuriated because it would deplete her funds FOR ANY WILL, he was, by her, put in charge of her remaining assets.
When their father was dying of alzhiemers, they never visited, it was always my mom, her sister, and me, sometimes my cousin would get pulled into it, I was at the nursing home every weekend nearly.

I sympathize it's really hard to deal with, I understand but for me, there's no option, gotta help the family out. For mom, for my brother and dad, maybe I'm just mental.

 

[Someone Depressing]

There's not much I can say. That's horrible. I hope you and your family pull through.